3. BREAKDOWN

The next morning, there was a big rush around the house. Imo was a kindergarten teacher in a premier private school, owned by her father’s younger brother. It was laughable how appa thought so much about his money and forgot that my mother came from one of the richest families in the country. She had married him for love when he did not have two pennies to rub together and was an office worker in my mother’s father’s real estate business. My father had taken over the business when my grandfather died because my mother’s brother had died at a very young age. All the money we had came from that business only.

I loved my father, but he was an ungrateful person who had passed on the same thing to Taemin. Maybe this is why he understood and empathized with Minho so much. Both were from the same mold.

Imo’s daughters were studying in the same school. Imo announced she would take Minki with her to school as they had a free day care center for the children of teachers and she would be there in case of any emergencies and would keep visiting Minki during her free time. She also wanted to speak with the management and get Minki enrolled in the same school. I smiled at her.

I remembered my childhood days spent frolicking in the house of my younger grandfather. They had a house that was 10 times bigger than our present one. We spent many school holidays living there, especially when umma would go to stay with them after a big fight with appa. But I had not met them in years because appa did not allow us to keep any relations with them. I was not sure if I should burden them with taking my daughter in their school. It appeared opportunistic and greedy to me. I voiced my concerns to Imo.

“Jinki, leave it to me. You are worrying too much. For now, Minki will go to the day care center only. She is over two years old and still speaks only a few words. It’s not that she cannot speak. When she wants she speaks full sentences. But she prefers not to speak. She has suffered along with you and learnt from you to keep her words in. I believe being with other children of her age, all happily talking, will help her overcome her speech barrier. Trust me. She will begin speaking shortly.”

I nodded and hugged her. While everyone dressed, I packed lunches for them and lots of milk for Minki.

Jiyeon came to stand beside me and watched while I did kitchen work. It was nothing unusual for her to see a man in the kitchen as uncle Ho-jin was equally adept in kitchen work. “Oppa why did you name her Minki? It’s a boy’s name.”

“I know Jiyeon. But the name for my first child was decided many, many years ago. Don’t you think she will be unique with a boy’s name? Maybe she will start a new trend of naming girls Minki?”

“Umma I want a boy’s name too. I want to start a new trend myself.”

I began laughing. Minki began laughing too. Soo-jin picked her up and gave her big kisses on her cheeks turning them pink. I immediately found the reason for my laughter. This family was happy. There was no abusing or tensions right from the morning. Uncle Ho-jin did not abuse people and house-workers like my father and brother did. No wonder I preferred to stay with them during my college days too.

I dropped everyone to school in my car, giving uncle Ho-jin some extra sleeping time which must be rare for him. He was having tea when I returned, and he had prepared a cup for me too. Imo never drank tea, she was a coffee person. Uncle’s mother was having tea in her room.

My uncle’s mother of whom I used to be scared as a kid had begun loving me a lot when I grew up. Out of all of imo’s nieces and nephews she liked me best because, according to her, I spoke the least. Like everyone else she had also welcomed me and Minki with open arms. She’d asked me many questions about umma and whether she was happy with my father on her return. And she was upset with my father for turning away yet another family member. She was glad that they were there and able to offer a home and comfort to us. But, she was very old and her medicines made her sleep most of the time. She rarely came out of her room.

Uncle explained about his advertising business to me over the tea. Then took out some of his clothes and gave to me along with some new boxers as well. He was taller than me and even Minho. After bathing and dressing, we prepared breakfast together and packed lunches for ourselves. I learned to eat breakfast while driving, from him. It turned into a lifelong habit.

He talked more about his office and the staff. He had a small office with nine workers. There were two digital graphic artists, one accountant, two errand persons, two girls to look after paper work of clients and media, one office manager and one front-desk operator. The last two persons were on leave. Bulk of their advertising orders was received through phone, fax and email. Email was handled by one of the graphic artists. Uncle was looking after phone and fax himself. This was affecting his marketing and business development. Usually he was out of the office a lot looking after these two sections. They specialized in employment ads, though they did do other ads too along with designing and printing works as well.

We were the first ones to arrive. Uncle showed me around his small office. He had taken a much bigger office in the same building but they still had to shift there. With the office manager on leave, it was too chaotic to even think about moving. He gave me the task of front-desk management, writing and copy-editing of the ads because of my excellent English skills. He showed me how to work the complicated phone system. I hoped I would remember it all.

I was introduced to everyone in the office as they arrived. I could see relief on some faces and fear on others. The first call came and I slowly learned how to greet clients and take their advertisements. Till then I had only read ads in the newspaper. Uncle thankfully did not leave the office. He went and sat in the office manager’s place and began doing her work.

I soon realized that my uncle had no place to sit. He was hardly in the office and this meant he had no chair for himself. The main errand person was called OP for short as his name was too long to say every time. He helped me learn more about taking the ads, confirming back with the clients, coordinating with the junior ad-maker and breathe.

Oh my God! I hardly had any time to even breathe till I heard uncle call out to OP to begin serving lunch. This was another amazing experience. I had worked in my father’s office for three months before leaving for Seoul. I had sat with their accountant--typist and done accounting for three months. My father’s partner sat in their luxurious office and my father was out on business development throughout the day. In fact in three months, my father visited the office maybe twice. The segregation of the office owners and the staff was very evident there.

In uncle’s office, there was no such thing called segregation. Everyone’s lunch was opened and every one ate together whatever they wanted, sharing the food. Family and personal things were talked about. Children’s achievements were lauded and illnesses were sympathized with. A lot of sympathy was offered to me because I was still coughing. I came to know many cough remedies during lunch. The two girls still treated me with fear, I was their boss’s nephew after all and the only relative their boss had brought in the office to work with him.

The day was over before I knew it. The phone was still ringing when we closed up the office. I wanted to go back in and pick it up. Uncle asked me to ignore it. He had strict work time policy that he had adhered to all his married life. He did not let his work intrude into his family time, unlike my father. We discussed work and he clarified a few doubts for me and explained more details about the business.

Minki hugged me tight when we reached home. I began questioning her about her day and she answered a few questions then decided she did not want to discuss her school time with me and went to Soo-jin. Then it was my turn to answer Imo’s questioning about my day in the office. Uncle began praising my learning ability but warned I still had a long way to go. We prepared and ate dinner together and went to meet the doctor after that.

The doctor who had treated me throughout my childhood was well versed with my family history. He listened to my account of my present ill-health and told imo and uncle to come back for me after half an hour. They left with the girls for some ice cream. The doctor then questioned me more about my marriage and my previous psychiatric visits before giving a tentative diagnosis. He explained about his belief that years of bad marriage had brought me to a state of nervous breakdown. When I wanted him to explain more about it, he brought out his medical book and showed to me what it meant.

“Nervous breakdown (also known as mental breakdown) is a non-medical term for an acute, time-limited psychiatric disorder that manifests primarily as severe stress-induced depression, anxiety or dissociation in a previously functional individual, to the extent that they are no longer able to function on a day-to-day basis until the disorder is resolved. A mental breakdown is defined by its temporary nature, and often closely tied to psychological burnout, severe overwork, sleep deprivation and similar stressors, which combine to temporarily overwhelm an individual with otherwise sound mental faculties. A mental breakdown also shares many symptoms with the acute phase of post-traumatic stress disorder.”

He pointed out where each of the further listed causes and symptoms matched with mine. According to him, my cough also had roots in years of breathing second-hand smoke from Minho’s indoor smoking. This had weakened my lungs. Due to the nervous breakdown my immunity was severely compromised. The symptoms in each person were different. In me it presented as a cough that increased whenever I was more stressed than usual. He prescribed me an anti-depressant along with a cocktail of other drugs.

When imo and uncle returned, the doctor warned them that my recovery would take a long time and a lot of care was needed for me to fully recover. That night when I talked with umma, imo took the phone from me and began narrating everything that the doctor had said. I’d wanted to keep it away from umma, knowing how much she’d worry. Imo was adamant that umma needed to know. I left them to talk and went to cuddle with Minki. She was sleeping but I still enjoyed holding her.

I fell asleep holding my miracle close to my heart.

This was another good thing about imo’s house, we slept wherever we fell asleep. There was nothing like my bed or your bed. There were rooms for sure - imo’s room, girl’s room and uncle’s mother’s room. But except for uncle’s mother no one had designated beds.

My cousin Mooyi called me one day and expressed her surprise that I was working in uncle’s office. She was sure I had forced my way in. But when I told I was invited by uncle to work she became very upset. It appeared to me that since she completed her mass communication course, she had expected to work with uncle but he never asked her to. She even called imo to express her displeasure at my working with uncle. When I became upset about her reaction, imo sat me down and explained the difference. According to her, uncle wouldn’t allow any family member into his office because he did not want sycophants or lazy workers. He was sure I was neither and this is why I had been invited, not the others. It was not pity. It was not mass comm or other academic qualifications. It was the ability to work and the desire to learn and do the best.

Before I knew it, a week had passed. I was happier working with uncle. I had learned the front-desk management and devised my own working methods to keep track of the incoming and outgoing ads and tally them each day. Clients were happy to talk to me and with my follow ups.

My cough was beginning to reduce in its intensity and frequency. Minki was smiling and laughing all the time. I worried about umma, however. I had left her in a mess at home. I spoke with her daily, rather she called me daily to update me of what was happening there. Appa continued to abuse me and umma. Kibum had begun inviting Minho for dinners with the family.

I laughed loudly at that. Imo and uncle looked at me in surprise. I told them about Minho's daily dinners at umma's house. Both of them wondered why I wasn't upset. I assured them I was upset but I also found it hilarious that Minho could digest his dinners without abusing me. It was even funnier that Minho was eating daily with the people he had sworn he couldn't tolerate for more than a few minutes. He must really want me back very badly. I was laughing so hard that Imo took the phone to talk with umma and assured her that I had not gone crazy. She sounded doubtful about it though.

I was still laughing when she ended the call. She sat near me and began wiping away my tears that I wasn't aware of shedding. She took me in her arms and I began crying.

"Imo it hurts. It hurts so much. I don't want to hurt anymore imo. I just want to stop hurting. Where did my love for Minho and Bummie go wrong? What mistake did I do that they hurt me so much? I love Bummie so much. How can he turn away from me imo? I gave up so much for Tae and today I am a burden on him? I wish I was never born imo. I can't bear this pain."

Uncle immediately called the doctor who asked him to give me another dose of the anti-depressant. I soon fell asleep holding imo's hand as my anchor to reality again.