14. MY LIFE, MY CHOICE

Next evening, my whole family landed to meet me and talk about the new 'friend' in my life. I thought it best to show them. Puppy’s charm as a friend could only be felt and not explained. I messaged Jonghyun to drop in to meet my family. We discussed about Minho's move to USA while we waited. Imo served tea and snacks. No one knew when Minho had applied for the job and been accepted. Appa wanted Minho to vacate the premises of the medical practice appa had opened for him and sell it. I agreed.

Jonghyun arrived just as everyone was finishing tea. He must have been dressing for work because he was in his uniform. Soo went to prepare coffee for him. He had brought roses for imo, umma and Minki. Imo had received flowers from him a lot of times, so she wasn't surprised, but umma was. Minki was bouncing in joy. The puppy bowed ninety degrees to my father and politely greeted Taemin and Kibum.

Jongin stared at him with his mouth open, before screaming “I am a good boy” and running to hide in imo's room. Jonghyun took permission from imo and went with Minki and Jiyeon to get Jongin. They returned soon enough with the Yoda puppy carrying Jongin in his arms. Jongin was a lollipop. Jjong had remembered Jongin was scared of police. The girls were lollipops too. What did he do? Buy the whole lollipop shop?

I must have looked bewildered, because Jjong momentarily faced me with his back to everyone else and winked. He gave his badge to Jongin to play with as he insisted on sitting in puppy’s lap. He answered all of appa's questions. He told Taemin about Tae's hoobae who was his colleague at the station. It was his subtle way of telling Tae to inquire about him. Minki couldn't take Jongin sitting in her favorite uncle’s lap anymore and climbed on his shoulders to show her supremacy. When Kibum moved to take away Jongin, puppy gestured him to remain seated. Minki wanted to know whether he had brought his police bike or car. Both kids began bouncing when he said bike. Umma and imo were exchanging glances as they watched Jjong play with the kids.

"Jinki-ssi if you and your family will permit I can show the kids the bike? I am sure they will enjoy seeing it."

I nodded, trying not to laugh at his formal way of addressing me. But we had not factored in the big-eared and equally big-mouthed daughter of mine.

"Ajeossi why are you calling ummappa Jinki-ssi and not toki?"

He did not even blink, "Because brat you need to learn manners and your ummappa has directed me to be nothing but formal with him always. Does your ummappa resemble a toki right now or Jinki-ssi?"

I was trying not to feel embarrassed but could feel my face heating up. Kibum, imo and umma were trying hard not to giggle. Appa and Taemin were watching silently.

"He looks like pink toki to me. Jongin oppa what do you think?"

Jongin studied me critically while I glared at Minki. "Dotty, omoni looks like umma when appa kisses him."

Kibum squeaked loudly while the room exploded with laughter. Jonghyun herded the kids out before they could create any more mischief. Taemin followed them trying to control his blush.

Appa asked where I'd met him. I related my meeting with him and stressed on the fact that he was nothing more than a good friend. I reminded appa that after a bad marriage I was not interested in a relationship. But I did not see any harm in making good friends of either gender. He was good with Minki and she liked him too. I could see only positives in my friendship with Jonghyun and if appa felt differently, he was welcome to let me know. Appa was silent. He couldn’t really find anything wrong. I knew appa could make his own inquiries if he wanted.

One battle won. The puppy had really done me proud in the way he handled my family by just being himself. I decided to find a suitable way to thank him. Of course, I would have still continued my friendship with him even if my family hadn’t approved. Still it was much less hassle this way.

After dinner, I received a call from my aunt Eun Jee. I told imo Dae Hei that I was going for a walk and would be back after sometime. Uncle locked the door behind me and made sure I had a key in my pocket for my return. Minki would sleep with imo that night.

It had been a few years since I’d talked with imo Eun Jee. We’d last spoken at the death of her young son. I was barely surviving through my own bad marriage to be of any real comfort to her at that time. We had sort of drifted apart since my parent’s separation when I had gone to Seoul. She had been talking to umma earlier in the day and came to know that I had separated from Minho. She also had separated from her husband after the death of her son. I could hear the empathy in her voice.

“How are you doing Jinki? Are you happy after leaving?”

“Imo I don’t know. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed. I had always wanted a forever marriage. And now, just after seven years of marriage, I left my partner. I broke my promise to be with him till I die. Where did I go wrong imo?”

“Jinki did you do your best to save your marriage?”

“Yes imo I did. I cannot think of anything else I could have done. I made a few youthful mistakes. Apart from that I tried my best but still my marriage failed imo.”

“Jinki you studied medicine for a few years, right?”

“Yes imo.”

“Did you study about gangrene and its treatment?”

“Yes imo, only treatment is to amputate or remove the affected body part to stop the spread. If not treated in time, it will spread and be fatal.”

“A bad marriage is like gangrene. The only effective way to deal with it is to make a break. Like you cut and throw away a gangrenous body part, same way you have to cut yourself away from a bad marriage also. Otherwise, it will destroy you. You cannot let yourself be destroyed Jinki. You have a daughter to think of. You did the right thing to break your marriage. Do not worry about what could have been. No one wants to break a marriage and live alone. But it is better to live alone than die in a bad marriage.”

“But imo no one understands how much it hurts.”

“Jinki only the person who suffers from gangrene and its treatment knows the pain of it. Same way, do not expect anyone who has not suffered like you to really understand your pain. They can try to, but everyone does not succeed. Stop letting anyone tell you what to do or what not to do. Stand proud and tall in your life. Only if you are proud of yourself will others learn to take pride in you. You want others to respect you, then respect yourself first.”

“Imo, appa and Tae both want me to go back to Minho.”

“It’s your gangrene Jinki, not theirs. Only you have the right to decide to live or die. It’s your life, your choice. I will speak to Daewon-ssi.”

“How are you doing imo? I have been a bad son to leave you alone all this time.”

“Jinki each one of has their own battle in life which we have to fight alone. Stop worrying about everyone else. For now just think about yourself. Concentrate on your recovery for now. Forget everything and everyone else.”

I continued walking and thinking after our call ended. She was the only person who had rationalized my bad marriage and my separation in a way that I needed to redefine my own thoughts about it. To live or to die? I had chosen to live. She’d made it simple.

My phone rang again and I absent-mindedly answered, only to mentally curse myself for not checking the caller Id. It was Minho with the same old thing – I was cheating on him with this young guy. Blah, blah, blah. I tuned him out and let him rant. When he finally stopped speaking I said only a few words.

“Minho, Jonghyun may be young but he is a police officer. Be careful. An official police complaint is not going to help you reach USA. Don’t mess with me anymore.”

He thought for a moment then began ranting how I liked using people and if my new friend realized I was using him. Blah, blah, and more blah. My phone started beeping. It was puppy’s usual night call. I said a quick bye to a still talking Minho and ended the call.

I continued walking while talking to the puppy. I thanked him for charming my family. I asked him if he could come and meet me for a few minutes. I don’t know why I wanted at that moment to talk face to face with him. I knew it wasn’t fair to him. He was at work. I could hear him give an excuse at the station and start his bike. Before I could change my mind, he stopped his bike next to me. I hopped on behind him without a word and he took us to a nearby park. We walked the meandering pathways.

“Toki what’s worrying you? Did your family say anything after I left?”

“No puppy. You handled them well. Anyway it wouldn’t make a difference. I am not going to stop being your friend.”

“Did Minho call again?”

I nodded.

“Why did you take his call? Should have ignored it.”

“By mistake. It’s not what he said over the phone. I guess sometimes my life overwhelms me. I had always wanted a forever type of marriage. My other imo called. She is same age as umma. She related my bad marriage to gangrene and told me I did the only thing possible to survive it, leave Minho.”

“Don’t over think toki.”

“I just sometimes feel so alone.”

“I do too, but then I think of you Onew and it makes me feel warm.”

“I don’t want to depend on you Jjong.”

“Will it be so bad if you do?”

“Yes. You will get married one day and I will be alone again. It’s better not to depend on you at all. That way when you marry, status quo will continue.”

“And if you remarry, won’t I be alone?”

“I won’t remarry. I don’t ever want anyone to have that kind of power over me again.”

He stopped walking and guided me to sit on a bench. He took my hands in his.

“I am only 22. I am not marrying for a long time, if ever. If I end up with a woman like my mother, my life would be hell. No way. I may never marry. Now will you stop feeling alone?”

“Jonghyun don’t make such serious decisions so lightly.”

He leaned towards me and pecked my lips.

“I am not Onew.”

“Don’t do that Jjong.”

“Do what? This?” He pecked my lips again.

“Yes. It’s not right.”

“Feels very right to me.” He pecked my lips again.

“But it is not. We are only friends.” I tried to move away. His hands wouldn’t let go. “Let go Jjong.”

“I will always be your friend. I will always be with you.”

“You can’t Jjong. It’s not possible. You have your whole life ahead of you. Don’t spoil it for a broken me.”

“Let me put you back together. It’s my life. It’s my choice. I choose you. If you accept me only as a friend in your life, I am okay with your decision, as long as you are a part of my life.”

Why couldn’t I be selfish for a few minutes? What harm will it do?

When Jjong pecked my lips again, I opened my lips and kissed him back. He moved back a little to look at me and be sure he was not mistaken. My lips were open and my eyes were closed.

He gave me his first sweet kiss.