10. I WILL PROTECT YOU

Next afternoon, I took all three girls to watch a cartoon movie while imo and umma went to watch a tear jerker. I asked Kibum to send Jongin with umma for the movie. He said they were going to his parents' for a visit. Umma told me and imo that Jongin got a slap from Kibum for wanting to go to the movie with us. I was very upset and called Kibum about it. He refused to discuss it with me and told me what he did with his child was his business and I’d better take care of the mess in my own backyard first. I advised umma to tell appa. Appa did not say anything to Kibum or Taemin.

The next day, the two sisters wanted to go shopping while four of us decided to go to gaming arcade. I thought about asking Kibum to send Jongin but did not wish any further trouble for him. Umma told us that this time Kibum informed Jongin that he had not been invited by his 'omoni' for the gaming arcade. Jongin was crying for omoni when umma had left home. Imo said we should go pick him up. I was not so sure; I could somehow sense trouble in making.

My relationship with Kibum had hit the lowest point and I had a strange foreboding in my heart. But, still I drove with everyone to pick up Jongin. Kibum made another excuse to not send Jongin with us, saying Taemin was home to spend time with them. Jongin wanted to go with us but he was not allowed.

As we were leaving, I had a strong urge to go back and check on Jongin. I asked the others to wait in the car and went back in myself. As I entered their room without knocking, following my instincts, I saw Jongin lying near the edge of the bed with Taemin standing over him with Jongin's baseball bat raised in his hand. Jongin looked at me with fear in his eyes and Taemin looked shocked to see me back. I snatched the bat from Taemin and warned him about ever hitting Jongin again. It led to a big row between Taemin and me. Umma and imo returned to check what was taking me so long. They sided with me.

Jongin hugged Kibum and both began crying loudly and Kibum called appa. Appa came in a hurry to find out why Kibum was crying. He found me in middle of yelling my head off at Taemin. Kibum, Taemin and even Jongin refused that any physical abuse had taken place either that day or before. Appa screamed at me and umma for making false allegations at Taemin and Kibum.

I told appa these were not the only times. I narrated how when I was staying with them I had seen Kibum once hit Jongin in the back with his foot and another time bent his thumb all the way back for not reciting a nursery rhyme correctly. I had quietly warned Kibum but he had told me I must have been mistaken in what I saw. But after the recent two incidents in two days, I was sure I was not mistaken.

Appa asked Kibum, but he denied mistreating Jongin in anyway. He started sobbing that he was an outsider because of which he was being blamed. For the first time I regretted approving Kibum for becoming a Lee. For the first time I regretted listening to appa and agreeing for Kibum to have a child. I tried to ask Jongin to tell the truth, but naturally he sided with his crying mother and refused everything. He did not want to talk to me because I'd made his mother cry.

The end result was that appa asked me to stop creating trouble for his family and leave the house. I tried to convince him, but I had no proof except my two eyes. Imo told appa that he was making a big mistake by not believing me. But in appa's view we were the trouble makers. We returned with a heavy heart. We smiled for the girls but the joy for the day had dimmed for us.

Jjong wanted to join our arcade trip but I turned him down. I was in a bad mood. But maybe he would be better company for the girls than me. After a brief mental debate, I finally refused because I did not want to depend on anyone.

Onew u r so sweet. U smell sweeter than these roses.

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 He sent me another bouquet through text to sweeten my mood, but I did not relent. I was made of sterner stuff.

I think I am turning allergic to roses.

Pls pls pls u hav 2 let me

I’m not stopping u. Pls go ahead & . But no arcade.

: O

I smiled at my own pun. The puppy had his uses. He had made me smile.

At night imo, uncle and I discussed the problem when the children had gone to sleep. Both imo and uncle were strongly against any form of child abuse. But they also realized that Kibum and Taemin were physically hurting Jongin and appa was turning a blind eye to it. There was nothing anyone could do. They told me to ignore it. How could I? I called aunt Hee Young and asked her to intervene. She also advised me to ignore it.

I called umma for an update and she told me that Taemin had spoken with her after dinner. His logic for asking her not to intervene was simple that she had beaten him as a child and no one had prevented it. With what right was she asking them to not do the same?

I remembered Taemin being hit by umma after his temper tantrums and turning the whole house upside down. That is why umma had sent him away to a boarding school because he was uncontrollable as a child and umma did not want to continue hitting him. I also remembered her crying hard every time after she had hit him. She was wrong in hitting him but she at least had felt remorse for it. Kibum and Taemin felt no remorse at all. They felt it their right to treat their child as they saw fit, and that included physically abusing him for every small mistake.

Umma said appa had at least warned Kibum and Taemin that he would not tolerate any mistreatment of Jongin. But, both umma and I knew appa was turning into an ostrich and hoping that if he did not recognize the problem, it would go away on its own.

I ended the call, and for a long time after even imo and uncle had slept I kept thinking about Jongin. I remembered his birth, his sleeping on my chest, his tiny fragile body that was in my safekeeping for a month and the fear in his eyes as he had looked at me when I had entered the room that evening. I felt I had failed at being a good omoni to Jongin. I tossed and turned the whole night but could not sleep for long. My dreams were full of Jongin being beaten. I cursed myself for asking to take out Jongin. If I had not done so, he would not have beaten. But then, his parents would have found another reason to beat him. I finally stopped blaming myself.

Finally around 2 am, I checked to see everyone’s status. Soo-jin who had slept next to me that night was lightly snoring. Minki was rolled into imo in her sleep and Jiyeon was fast asleep too. I went out for a walk through the deserted lanes in front of imo’s house. I called Jonghyun. He realized from my voice that I was not in a good mood and stopped joking around.

I asked him what the police usually did in cases of child abuse. He informed me that only very extreme cases were reported to the police. No one reported minor physical mistreatment as it was socially acceptable. Though there were laws against child abuse, they were ineffective because society by and large turned a blind eye to it. Only serious cases involved the police where the child either died or required short or long term medical care. ual abuse was also rarely reported. Molestations never came to light.

He asked me how I punished Minki for misbehavior. I just used a strict voice and glared at her. She had to come to understand that softer I spoke while glaring, more trouble she was in. A raised voice was for when I was upset with others. Sometimes to stop her from making a mistake, I would just give her a glare and shake my head, no words spoken. She would mend her ways immediately. I simply hated abuse of any kind – physical, verbal, mental or ual. If I reached a point where I thought I would lose control with her, I asked her to go and be with imo or the girls till I calmed down. This was very rare because I hated losing control anyway.

I realized even my language had changed since Minki was born. I never used bad words. Even words like idiot, damn and hell had been replaced in my vocabulary by silly, dang, and heck. If I wanted Minki to not say or do something, I made sure I never said or did it myself. How could I tell her no, when it was a yes for me? Parenthood to me was not just about authority, it was setting a good example.

Jonghyun and I talked for nearly an hour. I thanked him and ended the call. I continued walking, deep in thought.

I thought about Minho. I thought about Seoul. My skin began to crawl. I needed to take a shower. I need to clean myself. I returned home and took a shower. I continued scrubbing even when the water turned cold. I realized what I was doing and that I could not afford another episode. I left the shower and took a pill. The doctor had replaced anti-depressant with anti-anxiety pills. As soon as the pill began taking effect, I could feel myself calming down.

I picked up sleeping Minki from imo’s bed and hugged her to me. I looked into her sleeping innocent face and remembered my promise to her. I fell asleep repeating it to myself – I will protect you.