22. I LOVE YOU

After I had showered and controlled my emotions, I thought about what I wanted. I put Minki to sleep next to imo and went for a walk. It was deserted. All the neighbors had gone to sleep. The best time of the night for a thinking walk.

I wondered if I was making the right decision about giving the house back to my father. Both imo and uncle had differing opinions about it. Imo’s suggestion about keeping the house for Minki’s future made me hesitate about the rightness of my decision. What if I was unable to ever reach the financial independence to purchase a house for Minki?

I played with my destiny bracelet before reaching a final decision about the house. I would stick with my original decision about returning the house. I would work hard and make Minki’s future on my own.

But what should I do about Jonghyun? When I had started on my life’s journey alone with Minki, I had not thought that I would ever find someone like Jonghyun. I had not wanted to fall in love again. I had not wanted to make any promises again. But I had.

Unlike Minho who had never warmed up much to my family, Jonghyun was already a daily fixture at imo’s house. His daily visits had become daily dinners. And now, both imo and uncle were ready for me to take the next step and had offered to accept Jonghyun into their family if he wanted to live with me and Minki as a family. But was I ready for this?

Jonghyun had given me the destiny bracelet. Were we really destined for each other? My instincts told me we were. But we had not even known each other for a year. Could I really trust myself to make the right decision when I had failed so badly with Minho? Whatever I decided about him, it would deeply impact not only Minki but all of imo’s family as well. However, there was a difference this time. My acceptance of him was complemented by my family’s acceptance of him as well. Imo and uncle would never gamble with the future of their daughters. May be this time I should rely on their thoughts more than mine.

But what if Jonghyun decided he was not actually gay? What if he loved an illusion rather than reality? What was really there in me for a guy like him to love? To love was different, would he bear the responsibility of a family? The responsibility that came with me? He would be father to a child who was not his. He would be responsible for not just loving her but also guiding her, financing her, teaching her right from wrong, be her emotional, physical and financial support in life. Was he strong enough for this? Did he want it? Could he do it?

I texted him.

Sleeping?

Was about to. U ok?

Yes. Gud nite

My phone rang almost immediately. It was him.

“Are you okay yeobo? What happened? Is Minki okay?”

“Yes Jonghyun. We all are fine. It was stupid to message you at this time.”

“Anytime yeobo. You know that. Where are you?”

“Taking a walk.”

“What are you thinking yeobo?”

“You missed a serious discussion at the dinner table tonight puppy.”

“What about?”

“Lot of stuff. Mainly my house, appa, Us.”

“What about it yeobo? Do you still not trust me enough to talk on your own?”

“I do Jonghyun. I am talking to you. It is difficult to let go of habit formed over the years. I am trying. Please believe me. I do trust you.”

“Calm down toki. What did you talk about the house?”

“Where are you going at this time of the night? You said you were about to sleep?”

“I realized I have to be somewhere very important.”

“More important than your sleep?”

“Yes. Very important yeobo.”

“Oh. Go safely. We will talk later.”

“We can talk even now yeobo. Come on give me a smile.”

“We will talk when you are free. And who says I am not smiling.”

“Your voice when you realized I am going somewhere.”

“You are mistaken. I will say bye now. I have to go sleep.”

“Is your thinking complete?”

“Yes. I am home now. Will talk tomorrow. Good night.”

“Toki?”

“What?”

“I love you. You are my sweetest, cutest, softest toki.”

“I am your only toki.”

“True and I love you.”

“Good night now. I am going to sleep.”

“Liar. Yeobo, you still don’t believe that there is no one more important in my life than you?”

“I didn’t say that.”

“Then open your eyes and get up from the sidewalk. You are not home.”

I opened my eyes in shock. How did he know I was lying?

He stood in front of me. His phone to his ear. A sad expression on his face. Because of my lie.

I went to him and wrapped my arms around him. I couldn’t believe he was there with me. “I love you, Jonghyun.”

“I love you too yeobo. Only you. Always you.” He hugged me briefly and pulled me to his bike.

We went to our park. Once we were seated, he pulled me into his arms again and whispered, “Say it again yeobo.”

“I love you.” I barely whispered.

He pecked my lips. “Now tell me what is bothering you? Why were you walking at this time of the night?”

“Do you think I should return my house to my father or should I keep it for Minki’s future?”

“Are your father or brother giving you problems again? Did they say anything about the house?”

“No. Imo, uncle and I were talking during the dinner. Uncle and I want to return the house, imo wants me to keep it for Minki.”

“If you return the house, where will you go should you want to leave imo’s house? I can always apply for house allotment and you can use it. But it will take time. Hang on to it till I am allotted a house by the department. I will apply tomorrow itself.”

“You don’t have to do that Jonghyun. It will make me feel I’m a burden on you.”

“Yeobo, how can you ever be a burden to me? Please don’t think like that. I love you. Everything I have or will have is yours. The problem is I don’t have much. I am just starting my career. But I don’t want you to worry. I may be able to offer you a life of less means than you are used to, but I will be able to provide for the basic necessities for you and Minki.”

Was he for real?

“Jonghyun why are you making your life difficult by being with me? I come with a lot of emotional baggage not to mention Minki.”

“Are you equating Minki to baggage?”

“No. But she is a responsibility you wouldn’t have had for at least another 6 to 10 years.”

“I love her. I am thankful she is a part of my life. My life is enriched by her presence. I know she may never accept me as her father. But as long as she lets me be a part of her life, I am happy. I will always consider her my daughter.”

“What if I walk out of your life right now?”

“I wouldn’t let you. You can’t leave me yeobo. I am never letting you go. Do you realize that for the past 4 months we have met every day? Do you recall the night when we didn’t speak over the phone? Every night for 4 months now and before that we either texted or spoke for another month. You can’t leave me. I will follow you wherever you go. Everywhere yeobo. I promised you I will follow you even in death. I won’t let anything or anyone keep me away from you. Not even you.”

He was holding me tight to him. I pecked his lips to silence him.

“Jonghyun don’t love me so much please. I am afraid I will wake up one day and find you to be a dream.”

“I have just begun loving you. You don’t believe in my love for you? I can see you doubting me again tonight. What happened yeobo? What did I do to make you doubt my love?”

“It’s not your love I doubt. I doubt my worthiness for your love.”

“I hope I don’t have to spend my lifetime proving what you mean to me? That would really hurt me you know.”

“Uncle and imo are thinking about your moving in with us. Uncle has even allotted one of the rooms to you, me and Minki. Whatever we decide will deeply impact their family. They have accepted us. But we know your family doesn’t. I don’t know about mine. For now imo and uncle are my family. What uncle said today affected me a lot. He said I don’t need anything from my father, not even the house. I don’t even need its rent. What he, you and I earn will be sufficient to take care of the family and girls’ future.”

He listened silently, rubbing my back to comfort me.

“I am afraid that this is a dream. I will wake up one day and this will all be a lie like everything in my life has been before.”

“Yeobo, I don’t know why your family has behaved like they have till now. I don’t know why Minho behaved like he did. There could be many reasons – money, greed, taking you for granted, their personality flaws, or other things. I believe one thing though, if they cannot love you they cannot love anyone else either. If Minki does not have their love, they are incapable of loving altogether. Don’t let their behavior color your judgment about everyone else.”

I opened my heart and mind to his words, letting them soothe years of pain.

“You deserve our love yeobo. Don’t ever consider yourself unworthy of love. I love you. Don’t ever talk about leaving me again. If you don’t want to live with me, then don’t. We can stay like now for the rest of our lives and I will still love you. Did I scare you with my words of desire tonight? I won’t ask you for anything yeobo. Just love me like you do now. Allow me to be a part of Minki’s life. Let me help you bring her up. That’d be enough for me.”

“I want to live with you. I just don’t want you to realize one day that this is too much for you. I could live with the pain of your leaving, but Minki has already lost one father. I don’t think she could bear to lose another.”

“Only time will prove the truth of my words yeobo. Are you willing to give me that time?”

“Yes. And I do want to be one with you. But you will have to be patient with me.”

“All the time yeobo. I will wait eternity for you.”

“And stop singing MJ to me over the phone.”

“Should I sing it for you in person then?”

“No, no. No y songs.”

“Hmm. Ok let me see. How about bed to the floor yeobo?”

I've loved you for life but this time I want to love you from the bed to the floor

I am going to kiss you from your head to the toes

I don’t think you’ve really had enough of me so put your hands on my shoulder

Just bring your pretty lil body real close to me and let’s do something creative

As you want and I know that we both will freak the bed

So baby say that you’ll go out with me and let me just drive you crazy

As I love you straight I want to love you from the bed to the floor

I am going to kiss you from your head to the toes

“Stop, stop right there. You can’t even sing this one to me. It’s no better. No singing these songs.”

“Driving you crazy yeobo?”

“A few minutes ago I was nearly crying on your shoulder and now you are singing such songs. Are you crazy?”

“Always, for you.”

“No, no you are plain crazy.”

“It did perk you up and got you out of your funk yeobo. So it’s ok if I’m completely crazy for you.”

“Silly puppy.”

“Come its late toki. We both have work tomorrow. Or rather today.”

He dropped me home and I stood watching him ride away, knowing that tomorrow he was just going to ride back in. It was a brief parting. His last night of freedom, sort of.

Because starting tomorrow night I had no plans of letting him ride away from me ever.