4. LOVING YOU IS EASY

Next day after dinner, imo placed the phone call to umma instead of me. She put the girls to sleep in one room with Minki sleeping between Soo-jin and Jiyeon. Soo-jin was turning into a little mother for Minki, who was like a tail of her. Minki wanted everything of hers to be done by Soo-jin and that made Soo very happy. From bathing, dressing to eating, Soo-jin was happily taking care of Minki. I wanted to sulk but didn’t because Soo-jin was same with me when she was little. I knew the feeling it gave Soo, because I’d felt it too.

Minki was 14 years younger to Soo who was 14 years younger to me. I remembered her being my tail once I was back from school. I was the only relative Soo ever stayed with alone. She wouldn’t let umma do anything for her. She’d make me bathe her, dress her, feed her, and even tell her bed time stories as she cuddled into me in my bed. She’d wear my smallest tee-shirt to bed, foregoing all her night dresses. And when I’d fall asleep in the middle of my own made up fairy tale, she’d keep waking me up with “oppa next” till I somehow completed the story.

Being a teenage boy, I’d found it strange the first time this happened. But she was so cute and cuddly that it didn’t matter that I was a boy and she a girl. We had a strange bond between us. I think she gave me the first taste of parenthood, without my even realizing it. I’d continued to feel responsible for her since her infancy. I still did.

Life had come full circle, and it was Soo-jin who was playing a little mother for Minki now. I smiled as I saw Minki roll over in sleep and bury herself half under Soo. I knew she would stay there the rest of the night.

Everyone had slept except imo who had called me to sleep beside her. Instead of sleeping, she closed the bedroom door and sat down to talk.

“Jinki what happened between you and Minho? Unni told me what you’ve already said to the whole family. I know there is more. Talk to me.”

I debated remaining silent but if anyone deserved to know more it was imo and uncle.

“Imo you must be aware now that I do not have a good marriage. It turned bad within the first year only. I had wanted to leave Minho then only but I couldn’t because I was sure I wouldn’t be allowed to. I’ve put up with years of every kind of abuse. But I can’t now. I have to think of Minki too. You can see what the stress of my marriage has done to her. I’d rather break up my marriage now when she is too young than later when she is too old. I don’t want her to grow unhappy like I did.”

Imo listened to every word I said, “Tell me about the day you finally left Minho.”

I related the incident to her.

“I am sure that wouldn’t have been the first time. You would have noticed something before too.”

I debated how much to tell imo. She was known as the most innocent and babyish person in the family. Umma had seen the dark side of marriage, but not imo.

“There had been many incidents since Minki’s birth imo. I am not sure whether they were deliberate or a result of drunkenness.”

Imo waited silently for me to talk more. It was clear that I’d have to do the bulk of the talking.

“When Minki was about 6 months old, one late night Minho decided to have dinner outside. I was in the front passenger seat with a sleeping Minki in my lap. You remember the very big intersection near the market that’s near my house? Minho was crossing that to turn right and suddenly a car jumped signal from the other side and came towards us. Minho stopped the car in the middle of the intersection. Thankfully the other car was at slow speed and could brake in time only a few feet away from my door. Had there been a collision, it would have been at my side of the car, head on with my door. Minki and I might not have survived it.”

“Was that the only time?”

“Last winter, when we were returning after a dinner with Kibum’s family, there was a dense fog. Minho began asking me to agree to some mistake I’d supposedly made and I refused. He began driving on the wrong side of the road. I could hear a big size truck coming but Minho wouldn’t change lanes till I agreed to the mistake. It didn’t matter to him that we had Minki in the car with us. Its only when I said yes, he began driving safely. I stopped going out in the car with him.”

“What else?”

I narrated the incident of the fireball when I was carrying Minki. “One night, he took the mosquito spray and began playing around with it. Suddenly he flicked his cigarette lighter for a flame and sprayed directly on it. A huge wave of fire passed inches from my face. I was three weeks away from my delivery.”

“You didn’t tell these to your mother?”

“I didn’t want to worry her imo. And I wasn’t sure whether they were accidental or intentional.”

“What do you think?”

I kept silent.

“Has Minho shown any signs of uous interest in Minki?”

I looked at her in shock. How did she know about that conversation? Then I remembered I had told umma and Kibum about it. Kibum of course had refused to accept that Minho had talked of believing in .

“Imo I did not make it up. Minho did tell me that. And no I have not seen any signs yet. But he is not into little children, he is into teens.”

“How do you know?”

“Once my accounting class was cancelled half way through and I returned home early unexpectedly. I saw my maid’s teenage daughter giving a body massage to Minho. Her hands were pressing near his groin, his pelvis to be exact.”

Imo looked puzzled.

“It is the area where the legs meet the upper body. The girl was pressing there. I made her leave the house immediately and scolded her mother too. Minho tried to explain that his legs were paining so he had asked the girl for a massage. Imo that girl was just thirteen years old. Her fingers were just millimeters away from Minho’s inappropriate places.”

“Whattt? Minho did that?”

I went silent immediately and my arms crossed across my chest in a gesture of defensive closure.

“Jinki I am not saying I do not believe you. I know you wouldn’t lie. If you have kept the true nature of your marriage hidden behind your false smiles for so long, you wouldn’t lie now about Minho.”

She began wiping away her silent tears. I hugged her and she started crying on my shoulder. Damn! I should have kept silent. I knew my baby imo wouldn’t be able to take the bitter truths. I tried to comfort her to stop her tears but she suddenly became upset with me.

“How could you remain silent all these years and not say anything Jinki? Am I not like your mother too? Have I not cared for you like a mother since your birth? How could you hide your suffering from me too? Do you trust me so little?” She kept scolding me as she sobbed into my shoulder.

“Imo it is not about trust. When I realized that appa and Taemin wouldn’t support my separating from Minho, I didn’t want to put you in a position of standing against them. They were already so upset with you over supporting umma. I couldn’t burden you with my problems too.”

“Don’t you dare call yourself or your troubles a burden? Children are never a burden on their parents. If Soo comes to you with a problem will you think it to be a burden?”

“How will I imo? She is more like a daughter to me than a sister. She’ll always find me standing by her, whether she needs my support or not. She may push me away but I won’t go.”

“Then? Why do you think I’d not feel the same for you?”

“I’m sorry imo. Please forgive me. I wanted to spare everyone the pain of seeing me broken.”

“Jinki you are not broken. Are you sure you have told me everything?”

I nodded. I thought about my raw skins but suppressed the memories immediately. Maybe one day, when I was ready to face it, I’d tell imo.

“Why are you hesitating when nodding?”

“Imo there is always more in a seven years marriage. It’s not just a few isolated incidents. These incidents are just the last straws. Minho has not always been bad, there have been good times too. But the bad ones overshadow all the good things in him. I cannot trust him anymore. I cannot risk Minki’s safety.”

She hugged me again to offer me comfort.

“Unni told me about the whole family’s reaction to your news of separating from Minho. Last night you asked me why Kibum was behaving so differently. Do you want to know what I think?”

I nodded.

“Hyeongbu, your father, is predictable. Abusing after drinking is his usual way of dealing with his frustrations of life. I used to be confused too at first. But your uncle explained it to me. Hyeongbu is more talk than actions. He also does not like feeling helpless. He likes being the strong one and to control every situation. In your case, he does not have the courage to say anything to Minho and his family. So he has turned to abusing you and your mother for putting him in this state of helplessness. It is wrong. He should say all this to Minho. But he will never do that. Instead he will take out his anger at you only. Your uncle is very upset with your father about this.”

I nodded in agreement. I was of the same opinion. That is why I kept telling umma to ignore his ranting after getting drunk.

“Taemin wants only one thing in life. Money.”

“I know imo. His mantra in life is mine is mine, yours is also mine. Especially, where I am concerned.”

“Don’t let him take your money or your portion from hyeongbu’s money. You have to think of Minki. Taemin has enough and your father will give him more in future as well.”

“But imo I cannot become like Tae. Money has no value for me except to live a comfortable life and securing Minki’s future. What will I do with so many properties and safe deposits?”

“Give it to Minki. You owe it to her.”

“I will see imo. But I will not fight or argue with Taemin over money. If he wants it, let him have it. I will earn and secure Minki myself. I don’t need appa or Tae to do it for me.”

“But hyeongbu keeps telling everyone how much money he has already given you and will give in the future too.”

“That is his prerogative imo. I cannot stop him for saying anything to anyone. But it is one of the main reasons I don’t want any money from him either. It makes me feel very little when he tells anyone. I want to work hard and reach a stage one day when I can give back all the money that appa has ever spent on me. I don’t want to be humiliated any more. I want to stand tall on my own feet. I want Minki to be proud of me as a parent. Not see me as a beggar.”

She whacked me for my stubbornness. “It is your due Jinki. Your father is not doing you any favors. If he says to others, then let him do it as well. If he can do for Taemin, he can do for you too.”

I remained silent. I was dreading the next topic that she would broach – Kibum.

“Kibum, the Taemin clone!”

I looked at her in surprise.

“Don’t look so surprised. You are blind where Kibum is concerned. He does not deserve the love you shower on him. To me he is nothing but an arrogant, money-grubbing, mean-minded man, cast in the same mold as Taemin.”

“No, imo. He is not like Taemin.”

“Is he not? Is he supporting you in your fight to keep Minki safe? Is he supporting you in leaving an abusive husband? Does he really love Minki? If he did he wouldn’t have left her crying that evening Jinki.”

I remained silent. I had no words to defend Kibum.

“You have done everything possible for Kibum. You settled him into the family after his marriage. You settled disputes between him and Taemin. You stood as a shield in front of him when Taemin fought with him. What was he before marriage Jinki? Don’t think we all were blind?”

“His father lied at the time of arranging his marriage with Taemin. You tried to bury the truth so no one would point a finger at Kibum. You tried to shield him even then Jinki. But your father blurted out everything to your mother one day when drunk. His father is not a college professor but a teacher in a small school. Your father was very unhappy with the lie. He felt cheated and he saw Kibum in a different light. Yet you never changed your behavior towards Kibum. You cared for him just the same. Do you really think Kibum loves you back even a little bit?”

I remained silent.

“We know everything you did for Kibum. From teaching him how to dress, how to talk, how to drive, how to fit into Lee family, how to keep Taemin interested in him, everything Jinki. Don’t we know Taemin is cast in the same mold as your father? If it was not for your strong support, Taemin would have cheated on Kibum multiple times by now. It is you who has kept Taemin in line all this time. Don’t think I don’t know about your threat to castrate Taemin if you ever heard of him even flirting with someone outside his marriage.”

I looked in shock at imo. How did she know all these things that I had kept secret? Taemin must have told appa about the castration threat who must have told umma.

“Kibum should be bowing to you in gratitude everyday Jinki. He knows he owes his present happiness to you. But what does he do? It is in the time of need you get to see the real personality of people. It is the test of time that brings out real character of people. We all can see Kibum as he is. He cannot hide it behind sweet talk anymore.”

“He is not always bad imo. He is young and still has to learn a lot.”

“He is only two years younger to you. You were only twenty four when you made sure his marriage would be happy. You were much younger than he is now. He is nothing but an opportunistic person. He keeps saying he understands, but does he really? If he did, he would never tell your parents to send you back to Minho. And you still make excuses for him. Wake up Jinki. Open your eyes.”

“Imo my eyes have always been open. You are not telling me anything new.”

Now imo looked at me in shock.

“I knew all this the day I came to know about the lie Kibum’s father had told to arrange his marriage. It was a small issue, but appa would have refused marriage. He has been blaming me for their marriage since then. To me it didn’t matter much except to show the real people behind their masks. It explained to me a lot of Kibum’s mannerism, behavior, attitude and words. But I still chose to love Kibum. I opened myself to all the hurt I am feeling now. I felt my love would be able to change him. I am a fool. I made the same mistake with Minho also. Minho killed all my love for him. But I still love Kibum. May be one day I will stop loving him. But that day is not today imo.”

“I remain silent about many things imo. But it does not mean I do not know the reality or have not faced the reality. Sometimes the only way I can carry on is to pretend I do not know. Like I pretended throughout my marriage that I didn’t know about Minho cheating on me. Like I pretend Taemin is not cheating me about money. Like I pretend appa loves and treats me the same like Tae. Like I pretend Kibum genuinely cares for me.”

Imo looked at me in surprise.

“I was hurt till last night because somewhere deep in my heart I still had some expectation of understanding me or loving me from them. But not anymore. I do not expect anything from them anymore. But I cannot become like them either. I cannot become a greedy bastard or a Lucifer. I may be broken for now. But I will not always remain so. I have to be strong for Minki. I cannot allow myself to be weak. She needs me to be strong. About them, don’t worry yourself imo or feel sad. They will face God and be answerable to him. I cannot control their actions. I can only control mine. I refuse to turn into them.”

Imo was upset. I think she wanted me to denounce them. But I couldn’t. I still loved them. I hugged her and kissed her cheeks.

“My dear imo, if I turned into them would you be able to love me like you do now? Do you really want me to lose your love?”

She shook her head. “You should have been a lawyer.”

“But my dear lovely imo, you wouldn’t love me half as much as you do now, if I was anybody else other than myself.”

“My silly Jinki, I’d love you no matter who you were. How is it possible to not love you, silly boy?”

I hugged her and kept silent. If it was so easy to love me then why didn’t Minho and Kibum?