No more, no less
Love at First Act
YOUR POV
Gayoon unnie kissing Yoon Doojoon.
My immediate reaction is to run. Run away far from that scene. I didn’t noticed that tears has been flooding my face. I stopped as I’m out of air. I know I’m far enough from that painful scene. Panting and tearing at the same time as I was holding on to my knees for support. But my knees lost it support as tiredness and pain made me so weak. I fell down, sitting at the middle of the street. Tears has been flowing out of my eyes. I hold onto my chest as I can’t handle the pain anymore. As I can’t control anymore, I start to weep so hard. I lost my control with my emotions. I don’t care if everyone is looking at me right now. I can’t. I just can’t. I want to let it out.
Gayoon unnie kissing Doojoon.
So everything about them were true. Doojoon loves her. Gayoon unnie loves him. They love each other. And now they’ve kissed, everything will be settled between them. They knew well how they felt for each other. I feel so pathetic. I’ve expected too much. I dreamt high too much. I’ve been an optimist too much. Why did I even think that there would be a chance for him to like me? It was damn real far from the reality. You’re so stupid, Maya! You’re pathetic! Why would a Yoon Doojoon like you? Wake up!!!! You’re not in fairytales. You wouldn’t get whoever Prince Charming you want. You know well it was really impossible but you didn’t stop yourself. That’s what you get when you keep on living in fantasies!!!!
I wiped my tears, gathered all my strength to stand up. I shouldn’t ruin Hyunseung oppa’s birthday by just disappearing. I should go back right now. They might be looking for me already. I don’t want them to know what just had happened. It’s too shameful if they would know that I’m crying because Doojoon and Gayoon unnie are now together. Maybe I’ll somewhat forget what happened for a while.
Before I went inside the private room, I made sure that I looked okay. I don’t want them to know that I’ve been crying. I try my best to get rid of these puffy eyes but splashing cold water wouldn’t do. I guess they wouldn’t notice since they’re already drunk. Then I slowly went inside the room and sat down far away from them.
“Yah! Where did you go?” I looked up and saw Hyunseung oppa. He sat beside me. He’s obviously drunk.
“I just went out to have some fresh air. It’s getting hot here, you know.” I said as if nothing happened.
“Mwoya? Have you been crying?” he said then he cupped my face to look closely at me. Oh damn! What should I say?!!!!
“A-ah, it’s just an… a-allergy! My eyes has to be like this if I had a drink.” I said, quite stuttering. Oppa, bite that excuse!!! Please!!!!
“Ah, jinjja? Then you shouldn’t have to drink anymore. By the way, Doojoon hyung said she’ll take Gayoon home since she already passed out. I wonder how he saw her.” he said while putting away my glass of beer away from me. Not again. I’m about to forget it already, oppa!!!! Then you mentioned them again. I feel like I was getting pierced in the heart because of the pain as I hear their name. I feel like crying again. But no!!!! This isn’t the right place for that. I need to forget. I need to forget…even just for a while.
“Yah, oppa! Give me that!!!” I shouted as I reached for my glass, still half. I immediately drank the remaining beer in one straight shot. I gulped as I swallow it. Tonight, beer tastes very well for me. I didn’t taste any bitterness and everything. It seems taste so sweet. And what it makes it sweeter is that, it makes me feel light-headed. I smiled at Hyunseung oppa who is staring at me because of what I did.
“Yah, you said you’re not a drinker? How can you…? And your eyes!!!” he asked looking surprised with I did.
“I’m not. But I guess, tonight is an exception. Don’t worry about my eyes, it would be okay by tomorrow. Now, pour me some more beer.” I said and handed him my glass. He gets my glass from my hand without saying anything as he refilled it with beer from the big jug. Then he handed it to me again giving me a playful smile.
“Aish, my dongsaeng is getting naughty.” He said as he handed me my glass, now full with beer.
“Komawo, oppa!” I said then smiled at him. He gets up as he wants to join everyone who still enjoying the singing-slash-drinking marathon. I drank my beer in one shot again. I went to sit near the jug of beer as I refilled again my glass. I drank my glass empty then glass after glass. I couldn’t stop myself now. It gets sweeter and sweeter in every gulp. But what makes it sweeter is that I already feel numb. I forgot the pain I felt a while ago. Oh, this is great!!! I guess a more glasses of beer would make me feel nothing at all. As I keep on refilling and gulping, I forgot how many glasses I had. I don’t care. I feel so great right now. I stood up, quite stumbling.
“Oppa, let me sing a song!” I volunteered. Since Hyunseung oppa said I’m good, I guess singing here isn’t bad thing.
“Ah jinjja? Aren’t you shy anymore?” Hyunseung oppa said then he handed me the song book and look for a song. My eyes stopped at the song “Lonely” by 2ne1. They start cheering as I typed and enter the code. I grabbed the mic and stood up.
“Jigeum naega haneun yaegi, neol apeuge halji mola” as I started singing.Everyone is cheering again and I was just being playful and smiling at them while singing. I don’t know exactly what that song meant, I just keep singing it. My head starts to feel really light. I was laughing while singing as everyone is playing around while I’m singing. There was Kikwang and Dongwoon who are holding their hands, trying to play a couple for the song. Everyone starts to stomping and laughing so hard. I feel so happy.
Then after I sang, they requested me to sing another one. Then I didn’t noticed, I was singing song after song non-stop, mostly dance songs. I don’t care. Singing and being playful or even dancing as everyone is really drunk including me is really fun. I forgot about Doojoon. I forgot about the kiss. I forgot the pain.
“Yah, you’re having too much fun without me?” out of nowhere, there he was, smiling widely as he entered the room. I stopped singing and so do everyone as we looked at him. I tried my best to avoid looking at him. His mere presence just make me feel pain. I felt like crying again. It really hurts. It’s unbearable.
“Maya unnie, why did you stop?” Sohyun said as she’s nudging me.
“Oh, nothing. I just felt like singing a different song.” I reasoned.
“Okay, then. Choose whatever you like.” Jiyoon unnie said. I grabbed the song book, still trying not to look at Doojoon, who is now talking with the boys as they were asking what happened. I didn’t hear anything. I would prefer not to hear anything.
“Oh, That Woman!” Yoseob shouted as he saw what song I entered. Yup, “That Woman” by Baek Jiyong. That’s the song I feel like singing. I really want to cry but I shouldn’t. I’m not even in the right place to cry. People here are celebrating. Doojoon has no relation to me, so why would I cry? I guess this song would help me to release everything without crying. I knew too well that singing could release everything I feel right now. As the music, starts playing, I took a deep breath, still not having a glance at Doojoon. I don’t want to see how happy he is since Gayoon unnie and him has finally… ugh! I can’t even say that word. I should start singing now, the cue is near.
Han yeojaga geudaereul saranghamnida
A woman loves you
Geu yeojaneun yeolshimhi saranghamnida
The woman loves you wholeheartedly.
Maeil geurimjacheoreom geudaereul ttaradanimyeo
She follows you around like a shadow every day.
Geu yeojaneun useumyeo ulgoisseoyo
She smiles but is actually crying.
Eolmana eolmana deo neoreul
Ireohke baraman bomyeo honja
How much longer do I just have to look at you, alone.
I baramgateun sarang I geojigateun sarang
This love that came like wind,
This love that is like a ,
Gyesokhaeya niga nareul sarang hagenni OH
If I continue this, will you love me?
Jogeumman gakkai wa jogeumman
Just come a little nearer, just a little bit.
Hanbal dagagamyeon du bal domangganeun
Please don’t step back
Neol saranghaneun nal jigeumdo yeope isseo
I, the one who loves you,
is still next to you.Geu yeojan umnida
That woman is crying.
Geu yeojaneun seonggyeogi soshimhamnida
That woman is very shy
Geuraeseo unneun beobeul baeweotdamnida
So she learnt how to smile
Chinhan chinguegedo mothaneun yaegiga manheun
She can't even share her story with her best friend
Geu yeojaeui maeumeun nunmultuseongi
Her heart is so full of tear,
Geuraeseo geu yeojaneun geudael
Neol sarang haetdeyo ttokgataseo
That's why, that woman loved you
Tto hanagateun babo tto hanagateun babo
Cause you were so like heranother fool yet another fool
Hanbeon nareul anajugo gamyeon andweyo OH
Please give me a hug before you leave me
Nan sarangbadgo shipeo geudaeyeo
I want to be loved, dear.
Maeil sogeuroman gaseum sogeuroman
That's all I wanted
Sorireul jireumyeo geu yeojaneun oneuldo
She shouts, just in her heart
No one can hear her
Geu yeope itdeyo OH
but that woman is still next you
Geu yeojaga naraneun geol anayo
Do you know thatI am that woman?
Almyeonseodo ireoneun geon anijyo
You don't do you?
Moreulkkeoya geudaen babonikka
Because you are just a fool.
Eolmana eolmana deo neoreul
Ireohke baraman bomyeo honja
how much longer that I must gaze at you like this alone?
I babogateun sarang I geojigateun sarang
this foolish love , this miserable love
Gyesokhaeya niga nareul sarang hagenni OH
would you love me?
Jogeumman gakkai wa jogeumman
come closer a little bit more
Hanbal dagagamyeon du bal domangganeun
when I take a step closer you run away with both feet
Neol saranghaneun nal jigeumdo yeope isseo
I who loves you , even now im at your side.
Geu yeojan umnida
that woman is crying.
Exactly what I feel. Damn. I feel tears forming on my eyes. I must not let it flow. I mustn’t let it be poured out. I don’t want to. I need to get the hell out of here. The beer is losing its’ effectiveness. I’m starting to feel the pain again. And the worst is… he’s here.
“Oppa, I have to go now. It’s already getting late.” I whined, trying not to show what I really felt. Then I just noticed, everyone is staring at me, no cheerings and everything. They all look sad. Did my singing carried them away? Could it be possible my feelings are too obvious? OH NO.
“Oh, right. Let someone take you home. You’re drunk.” Hyunseung oppa said. No. I want to be alone. I’m pretty sure I’m about to broke into tears.
“Oppa, do you want an accident to happen? Everyone is drunk. I’m going to take the cab. I’m not that drunk. Oppas, Unnies, Sohyun, I have to go now. I had a great time. See you soon.” I said and bowed at them while giving my fake smile and still avoiding to look at Doojoon. I walked out of the room but went back as I remembered something. I forgot to give Hyunseung oppa my present.
“Oh, oppa! I forgot to give you this. Happy birthday!” the I handed him my gift and obviously he had a shocked face so does everyone. I tried best to give him a warm smile, forgetting what I really feel.
“Thank you Hyunseung oppa for bringing me here. Thank you oppas, unnies and Sohyun.” Then I finally walked away. No, oppa I regret being here. Not I regret to be here enjoying this event with those people. What I regret about is…dreaming to high and creating hopes with the most impossible person on it.
As I was walking on my way to streets, tears keeps on flowing. I’m not drunk anymore. The pain is back. My eyes are sore. My heart is aching. I have to face this reality. The reality full of pain. Now, I know where to place myself. I’m just a fan. I’m just a classmate. I’m just partner. No more, no less.
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