“We are pleased to inform you that you passed the qualifications for our Exchange Student Program at Dongshin University.” That letter where everything started. No matter how painful to remember it, I still want to treasure it in my heart. This letter of acceptance that changed everything and made me experience how painful a love can be.

That unusual love I felt. Every time I remembered every details of that love, there might be pain but everything was beautiful. It did not ended well but I’m still happy to have those memories in my life. Yes, the love I felt when I studied on that foreign country with unfamiliar people for me. The love I shared with that guy who used to be just a dream for me. I never imagined to be that close to him for he was up there and I just look up on him from here beneath. As I keep on remembering how his cold stare from his eyes reached my eyes for the first time, the first time I smell his perfume-less scent, and the first time I saw how great man he is, I couldn’t imagine that everything was real. And those backhugs that made me weak and fell for him every time. My mind has been saying no to those hugs but my heart always prevail. I keep on pinching myself to know if it is real, and yes, it hurts so it’s real. Well I guess, that’s my luck again but he wasn’t for me. I want to accept that fact but I really can’t. I’m too afraid to let him risk everything for me. I can’t bear to see everything fall apart for him. What makes me smile again despite what happen is, I know I left him a good memories despite how we ended this love we had. With this kind of situation we have, I’m not expecting to see each other anymore. Well, maybe in our next life yet I’m not sure if there is, but I still keep looking forward to it.

I realized it’s been five years since everything happened, everything seems fresh to me. I guess it’s because there are no days I keep on thinking about him. I don’t know how long it will take me to move on. Time will come, God will make a way.  But I truly love this guy and I can’t just let go every pieces of me that reminds me of him.

Another day for trying to be normal, I once again rode the subway. I’ve been doing this since our debut until now to remind me to always keep my feet on the ground. But no….. I’m not doing this for the last 5 years for that old reason. I’m doing this to remind me of someone or let’s say to try my luck to see her again since this is where the first time we saw each other. I know, I know it’s quite funny… she’s not somewhere near anymore but I just wanna try. I just can’t lose the opportunity if our ways meet again. I just can’t forget her. I just can’t let go of our memories together. Her double-eyelid hazelnut eyes that I always look out for when she smiles, and yeah, it’s surprises me to see she has a really nice eyesmile. Her light-tanned skin, which is weird for me to love since I’ve been used to like those pale yellowish skin tone. Her sweet warm smile that flutters my heart even my mind keeps denying this fact trying to fight it. Her optimism and perseverance that always encourages me. Her patience and being so understanding that made me fell for her more. And what I misses the most are the back hugs I always give to her. I know she do love that and I felt that what makes her heart flutters. I just want her to love me more but I’m such a loser to not protect her and let her give up everything we had. I hate the decision that she made just to protect me and she didn’t even let me decide what I want. She didn’t even ask me what I really want. ‘Cause me, I only want… her.