Love in Chairos.

There’s two concept time in koine Greek, Chairos and Chronos. Chronos was clock time, sequential time and Chairos was special: “the right time”. We all knew both of Chairos and Chronos couldn’t turning back, especially Chairos, Chairos only happens in the right time, they even said Chairos is God’s time. That’s proof of why God not always answer our prayer in the same time when we pray because God answer our question in his right time (Chairos).

But most of us always didn’t aware of it.They just let the time walk away freely, without enjoy the moment. And when we realize that’s the right time, we want turn back to that moment, but we can’t. Then we could only reminiscing and regret everything.

Like what happened to Jessica, she was reminiscing and regret everything. She didn’t know when God send a certain Taeyeon to her, that’s the right time for her to fell in love. But she didn’t fell in love, she just wasted her love. And when Taeyeon had left, she just realize that her love was left too.

Jessica sat all alone on her bed, resting her back on headboard of bed. Through the window her eyes locking into rain which falling really hard, she was sure it was the most heavy rain on this week because she could heard sound of rain hitting her windows very clear and she was sure it would be so cold if she stay out there.

“I can’t sleep. So cold..” she muttered softly and clunched the blanket.

Yes, it was cold outside but her room was far from cold temperature. The air conditioner was off, the warmer was on, her room was warm enough to help her drift  into deep sleep, plus a baby blue blanket she use now, it would be make her sleepy and resting her tired body. The only reason she couldn’t rest is her body was missing warmth that someone used to give to her.

“Tae why i can’t sleep?” she said while turning her head to her side. But she frowned while she found nothing but only blue pillow beside her.

She sighed, “I miss you. Now i realized the only reason why i never have a good sleep is because i miss you warmth..” she said bitterly.

Jessica used to sleep on Taeyeon embrace, Taeyeon’s warmth help her to drift to her dreamland. She know that her body was missing Taeyeon, she know that her heart longing for Taeyeon, but her brain still in denial wether she miss her or not. She didn’t want to admit that she was missing Taeyeon.

There’s inner battle on Jessica : Her brain said ‘Why would you miss her? She just your housemate, nothing more.’ But her heart said ‘Surely you miss her darling, just admit you miss her, just admit you love her, I know you don’t love her in the first time, but look now, your body is dying for her warmth right?’

That was right, Jessica wasn’t fell for Taeyeon in the first time. She was stright, and never thought she will fall in love with a girl. She always waiting for fall in love but she thought that her love will be a charming prince, that’s why she was wait and wait and wait for a charming prince come to her and take this hopeless romantic princess and never look at princess charming who love her, eventhough Taeyeon always in front of her kneeling while extending her right arm, wait Taeyeon take her hand.

Easily Jessica didn’t care about Taeyeon presence, she dumped every flower she gave, she threw every gift she gave, she closed her ears to every single sweet poems Taeyeon said, she closed her eyes to every single kindness Taeyeon did to her, she just push Taeyeon.

But Taeyeon was stubborn in the good way, she was presistant, she didn’t give up for her love, she didn’t mind sacrifice too much for her love, she will doing anything for her love, and slowly Jessica heart was melted for Taeyeon.

Although her heart already melt, she keep her ego high. Jessica never admit that she love Taeyeon, she never admit that she always blushed when Taeyeon sing for her, she never admit that she always happy when Taeyeon become cheesy to her, she never admit that she always smile wholeheartedly when she read all the poem Taeyeon’s made for her, she never admit that she always feel safe when she was on Taeyeon embrace, she never admit that every bliss feelings that Taeyeon gave, she never admit it.

Taeyeon kept doing all sweet things for making Jessica fall everyday. See lacking of her response, Taeyeon grew tired of waiting, then she found someone who appreciate her love better from Jessica.

“I wish i could turn the time back and appreciate your love better Taeyeonah..” she said followed with heavy sigh as she looking hopelessly to the blue blanket.

Jessica remember how painfully saw Taeyeon’s smile grow because of other girl, she thought the one who should make Taeyeon like that is her. She was jealous to death, she just want pulled the girl’s hair who made Taeyeon smile like that, dragged Taeyeon to her room and locked Taeyeon in the room with her. But her brain come and said, ‘You are not her girlfriend so you don’t have to do that.’

Then Jessica only could Taeyeon from a far, see the person who used to sing for her now she sing for other girl, see the person who used hug her now she hug other girl, see the person who used to do sweet things for her now turn to other girl, and see the person who used to love her now love other girl. But she was stupid too for letting her go without any effort to stop her.

“I feel so stupid and regret everything.” She said softly as she lied and tucked in her body into blanket, “Why i didn’t stop you when you move out? Why i didn’t stop you when you start walk away from me? why—“ she stop as warm tears start falling from her eyes, “Why i didn’t say that i love you when you start love her while the fact that i have fall for you Tae..”

But regret always come in the end. And now Taeyeon already happy with another girl who appreciate her love better from the first, and Jessica couldn’t do anything now. She felt so stupid didn’t said three words back to Taeyeon and didn’t appreciate the moment and the love Taeyeon gave, she angry to herself because she followed her brain and stupid logic, she hate her self because she thought she was extrimly egoistic. But with every overwhelmed feeings Jessica felt now, she couldn’t do anything. Now she just keep regreting and replaying every memories she had with Taeyeon, missing her presence, and crying about her every night until she fall asleep.