The whole house had been tense since Wednesday. Yunho and Jaejoong argued everyday over the smallest things.

 

Jihee was terrified that this would be the end of her brother’s marriage. He had called her in tears half a dozen times. He had even spent Friday night at her house, curled up in her bed crying and shaking.

 

Jaejoong locked himself in is office for most of Saturday morning. At noon, Yunho knocked on the door.

 

“Jae? I brought you some lunch. And I just want to tell you Dr. Lee will be here at 1:30.”

 

“What is it?” Jaejoong eyed the tray Yunho was carrying.

 

“Chicken Caesar salad. And a strawberry protein shake.” Yunho set the tray down on the coffee table. “At least drink the shake, please?”

 

Yunho knelt next to Jaejoong and rested his hand on his husband’s thigh.

 

“I’m really not hungry. I just want to get caught up on a little work,” Jaejoong said flatly, not taking his eyes off the screen.

 

“Okay. Mom’s staying for dinner, if that’s okay with you.” Yunho stood and ran his hand through Jaejoong’s hair. He kissed the top of Jaejoong’s head and turned to leave.

 

“Yunho, wait.”

 

“Yeah?” Yunho placed his hand on Jaejoong’s shoulder.

 

“I’m… I’m miserable. This week has been awful. We fought in front of the kids. Jihee is convinced we should separate. I feel like I’m going insane.”

 

“Jaejoong? Do you want to? Separate, I mean?”

 

Jaejoong was silent. He really didn’t know what he wanted. “I don’t know. It’s hard to be alone.”

 

“Are we together because it’s easier to stay in a loveless marriage than to separate?”

 

“I don’t know. We don’t have time for this. Dr. Lee will be here soon.” Jaejoong turned off his computer and downed the protein shake. He couldn’t skip meals. He knew he was going to be stressed out over Dr. Lee’s visit. He frowned at the glass.

 

“What’s wrong now, Jaejoong?” Yunho was tired. He loved Jaejoong with all his heart, but if Jaejoong wasn’t happy… Yunho would do anything to make Jaejoong happy.

 

“Nothing. It’s nothing. Let’s go wait for Dr. Lee.”

 

 

Jaejoong sat on the floor and tried to play with Changmin, who had decided that the pattern on the couch was the most fascinating thing in the room. He traced the pattern with his tiny fingers.

 

Dr. Lee followed them around making little notes on her clipboard, asking questions sporadically and mumbling at their answers. Yunho gave her a tour of the house and invited her to stay for dinner.

 

Jyuni watched the proceedings with curiosity. She had heard her parents talking and fighting about Changmin. Sure, he was quiet and didn’t like to be away from Dada, but he wasn’t sick.

 

Everyone was on edge as Jaejoong cooked dinner. Everyone except Changmin. He sat happily in his high chair watching Jaejoong’s every move. Changmin gurgled joyfully as Jaejoong sang and cooked. He even tried to keep the beat with a spoon.

 

Dinner was awkward. Jaejoong had no idea what to talk about with Dr. Lee. And she was still observing Changmin’s every movement.

 

Jaejoong was convinced there was something very wrong with Changmin.

 

“Yunho, Jaejoong can I speak with you in the living room?”

 

“Yes, of course,” Yunho led the way to the living room. Jaejoong trembled as he waited for Dr. Lee’s assessment. 

 

“Changmin seems very healthy and happy. Like I said, it’s difficult to diagnose toddlers his age. My best suggestion is to find a good day care and enroll him for at least three days a week. Document his nightmares and how he overcomes them. My biggest worry is the separation anxiety. If being in day care doesn’t take care of it in three weeks, call me back. And don’t forget to get in touch with the couples’ councilor I recommended.”

 

“So, that’s it?” Jaejoong asked.

 

“It’s the best we can do at his age. I understand your concerns, but I simply can not diagnose him with anything at this age.” Dr, Lee explained carefully, “I know you’re worried about you son. And I can see the same warning signs. I think being in day care, with other children his age will be helpful. He may just need to socialize more. He’s very shy and I’m sure he’ll soon get over that shyness as he becomes friends with other children out side his family. Here’s a list of great day cares.”

 

“Thank you, Dr. Lee. Can we call you in a couple of week regardless of how the day care works?” Jaejoong was hesitant, but tried to keep an open mind.

 

“Yes, of course. And please keep me in mind when Changmin gets older. Jaejoong, I really do see your concern and I only want what’s best for Changmin. When he’s older, I will do a full reevaluation.”

 

“Thank you.” Jaejoong took the list and read over it.

 

“I’ll show you out,” Yunho said.

 

 

Jaejoong took a seat on the sofa and smiled when Mrs. Jung placed the twins in his arms. Moonbin cooed and gurgled and wiggled. Hyobin stayed still and watched everyone with huge, curious eyes.

 

“Everything’s going to be okay, Jaejoong,” Mrs. Jung said softly.

 

“I know. I know it’s a good idea to put Changmin in day care. I’ll need less help through out the week. And if the day care takes the twins too, I can go into work more often. I’ll have more free time.”

 

Yunho walked pasted Jaejoong and his mother and picked up Changmin. “I’m going to give him his bath and put him to bed.”

 

“Jaejoong, what’s wrong? I know you and Yunho have been fighting a lot this week, but I’ve stayed out of it because it’s not my place. But you two seem so off today.”

 

“I don’t know either. Yunho and I just have a lot to talk about. And it’s not settled yet. I’m going to go clean the kitchen.”

 

“I’ll send Yunho in when he’s done. And I’ll put the twins to bed. Talk to each other. Don’t fight, talk.”

 

Jaejoong didn’t move when he felt a hand rest on his shoulder.

 

“Are you okay?” Yunho asked gently. He was terrified of saying the wrong thing.

 

“Not really. I’m still worried and I’m not completely convinced Changmin is 100% okay.”

 

“I know. But we have to take this one step at a time. No matter what happens with us, we need to agree on how raise the kids.”

 

“Right.” Jaejoong took a deep breath. He wasn’t surprised they were at this point. He could feel it coming for a long time. There was too much of a rift between them now. Jaejoong couldn’t really expect Yunho to stay with him after everything; the depression, the fights. “So… Where do we go from here?”

 

Yunho sat at the island in the center of the kitchen. “I really don’t know. It’s up to you.”

 

“Please don’t put this on me.”

 

“Please look at me.” Yunho offered Jaejoong his hand. Jaejoong refused to touch Yunho and stood a few steps away. “Jaejoong, I love you. I will never stop loving you. But if you are unhappy, you need to tell me. So I can fix or let you go. I don’t want to be the reason for your unhappiness.”

 

“You don’t make me unhappy,” Jaejoong murmured.

 

“Then what’s making you so unhappy? Jaejoongie, we can’t fix this if we don’t talk about it.”

 

“You put banana in my shake today.”

 

“I always put a banana in your shakes,” Yunho said, confused.

 

“I know you do. I don’t have to ask. I think I ever asked. It’s just something you do.”

 

“You don’t like the taste, so I doctor it up to make it better for you. Do you not like it?”

 

“No, it’s not that. It’s just…” Jaejoong sat down next to Yunho. “I don’t know. I can’t always express how I’m feeling. I love you, too.”

 

“So, you’re not unhappy, but you’re not happy. You’re angry with Yoochun, but you understand he’s trying. You still love me…”

 

“But I’m afraid. I haven’t felt like this since Paris. Like, my entire future is so out of my control.”

 

“Can I hold you, Jae?” Yunho stood in front of Jaejoong.

 

Jaejoong looked up at Yunho and nodded. He wrapped his arms around Yunho’s waist and buried his head into Yunho’s stomach. Yunho threaded his fingers into Jaejoong’s hair.

 

Yunho had never been so scared. He was afraid he was moments away from losing his husband. “Stand up, Baby.”

 

Jaejoong slid from the chair, his arms still around Yunho. “I don’t… I don’t…” Jaejoong hiccupped.

 

“Okay, I understand. You need a break. You need time to get healthy. If you want, I’ll help you get an apartment.”

 

Jaejoong shook his head. “I don’t want to lose you. I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t know if I’ll ever be healthy. I just…”

 

“I know. I promised to take care of you. And I will. We’ll tackle one obstacle at a time. I’m taking Monday off so we can go look at those day cares. I’m going to rearrange some stuff later in the week so we can go to that councilor.”

 

“If we find a day care that takes infants, I want to go to work at least three days a week.”

 

“Okay. What days do you want to go in? I was thinking it would be easier to start Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays.”

 

“Yeah, that sounds really good.” Jaejoong bit hip lip. “Yunho, we have to do something about us.”

 

“I know. I’m going to make a few changes at work, hire a couple more people, maybe. And I’m going to try to be home more. And I’m going to start going to therapy. I’d like it if we stuck with this councilor, just until we’re more stable.”

 

“We were too young.”

 

“Yeah. But Jaejoongie, I love you so much. And there is nothing more important to me than this family.”

 

Jaejoong tilted his head up to look at Yunho. “I’m still upset. And we still have a lot to work through.”

 

“I know.” Yunho patted Jaejoong’s head.

 

“I love you.” Jaejoong kissed Yunho.

 

Yunho tightened his arms around Jaejoong and lifted him onto the counter. He pushed Jaejoong’s legs apart and stepped between his thighs. He deepened the kiss, Jaejoong’s lip into in his mouth. Jaejoong moaned and wrapped his legs around Yunho’s waist.

 

Jaejoong pulled away. “I’m still really angry.”

 

Yunho nipped at Jaejoong’s neck. “Yeah.” Yunho peeled Jaejoong’s shirt off his shoulders and dropped it to the floor.

 

“No, really. I’m angry. I think we’re going to start fighting again.” Jaejoong tried to sound annoyed, but with Yunho’s lips on his skin it was hard to concentrate. He bit his lips to suppress a moan.

 

“Of course. You’re right. We should totally be fighting right now.” Yunho slid his hands in to Jaejoong’s pants and lifted his off the counter.

 

Jaejoong nimbly ed Yunho’s shirt and slipped his hands over Yunho’s smooth skin. “Yunho, I’m semi-serious here.”

 

Yunho pulled away slightly. “I know. I just don’t want to fight anymore, tonight. We can fight tomorrow. Just please, let me love you.” Yunho cupped Jaejoong cheek and kissed his forehead. “I’ll ask Mom to put the kids to bed. Meet me upstairs?”

 

Jaejoong sat on the edge of the bed. He had changed into green silk pajama pants.

 

Yunho walked passed Jaejoong to the bathroom. He washed up and changed.

 

“So, we’re fighting?” Yunho asked as he sat down.

 

“I don’t know. We aren’t okay, are we?” Jaejoong hung his head.

 

“No, we’re not. But we can get better.” Yunho reached out and scratched Jaejoong’s back lightly.

 

“Can we really? I love you. And I love being with you. But sometimes, I feel so trapped.”

 

“I know, Baby.” Yunho laid down on the bed. “We can do this. We can make this work.”

 

Jaejoong laid down next to Yunho. “One step at a time?”

 

“Yeah, one step at a time.” Yunho rolled on his side and pulled Jaejoong close. He kissed Jaejoong’s cheek. He prayed as he drifted off to sleep.

 

 

***

Three Weeks Later

 

“So, Changmin’s doing better?” Dr. Lee asked.

 

“A bit. He’s still real quiet. And he still will sit for hours and trace patterns, like on the sofa or the bedspread.”

 

“I’m not surprised. I’m prepared to place Changmin on the Autism spectrum. We need to keep an on eye his developmental milestones. I don’t think it should affect him too severely.”

 

“So, he’ll be okay.”

 

“Yes, Jaejoong. Changmin will be just fine,” Dr. Lee smiled. “How is everything going at home?”

 

“Better. Yunho and I are both in therapy and we are still going to Dr. Han.”

 

“That’s good. I’ll you and Changmin next week.”

 

 

 

“So we have a better idea on how to take care of him?” Yunho asked. He was taking a batch of cookies out of the oven.

 

“Yeah. It’s not a definite diagnosis, but it’s a starting point.” Jaejoong leaned over Jyuni’s shoulder to check her homework. “Changmin’s birthday is right around the corner.”

 

“That’s right! Two more months. I almost forgot. What are we going to do?”

 

“I don’t know. I’d like something simple at home. I’ll make a cake or a pie.”

 

“That sounds perfect. We should invite a few of those kids from day care. Who’s that little girl who follows Minnie around like a lost puppy?”

 

“Minji. She’s adorable. Her mother’s very sweet too.”

 

“Dada? Can I have a cookie?” Jyuni asked, setting her pencil on the table.

 

“After dinner,” Yunho said. Jaejoong smiled at Yunho, thankful that Yunho was home when Jyuni got out of school.

 

Jaejoong knew it was going to take time. And he knew he had a long way to go before everything was better, but he knew he loved his family and Yunho would always be there for him.

 

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I feel like I'm writing too fast and updating too often......