Jaejoong and Yunho were quiet the entire drive to Dr. Lee’s office. Jaejoong chewed on his lips, trying to calm his nerves.

 

“You’re going to chew a hole through your lip.”

 

“Sorry. I’m really nervous.”

 

“I know, Baby. We just need to get through this and the home visit.”

 

“This is for Changmin.” Yunho took hold of Jaejoong’s hand and kissed his knuckles.

 

Dr. Lee called their names and they entered the office. “Good to see you again, Jaejoong.”

 

“Hello Dr. Lee.”

 

“We’re going to cut right to the chase. How was Changmin this morning when you left?”

 

“He seemed okay. A little fussy, but Mom was able to keep him distracted while we left,” Yunho said calmly.

 

“Has he had any nightmares?”

 

“He had one last night. I was able to calm him down enough for him to sleep in his own bed. I went shopping yesterday and Mama stayed with him. I was gone for about an hour and he cried the entire time.” Jaejoong hated talking about this.

 

“I need to ask some very personal questions, to understand the family dynamic better.”

 

Yunho and Jaejoong nodded. and looked at each other.

 

“How stable would you say your relationship is? How many times a week do you fight with each other?”

 

“Good, I guess. We fight, but not like everyday…” Jaejoong had know clue what the correct answer to that question was.

 

“We try not to fight in front of the kids. And we try not to go to bed angry,” Yunho expanded.

 

“When was the last big fight you had and what was it about?”

 

Jaejoong looked at the floor trying to remember. “I think it was like… Last month?”

 

“Yeah. We fought about Yoochun. Again.”

 

“Yoochun. You talked about him at Changmin’s appointment. Tell me about him.”

 

“He was. Is my best friend from high school. We were all very close really. Yoochun kinda took care of Jaejoong when I went to college. We had a falling out after Jaejoong and I were married.”

 

“And by falling out he means Yoochun called me a ‘life-stealing parasitic hussy’,” Jaejoong said, bitterly.

 

“Jae…” Yunho sighed. “I’m sorry. I can’t go back and change it. But Yoochun is trying to make it up to you. I don’t know what to do to make it up to you.”

 

“I didn’t even want to talk to him again. You insisted on letting him watch our children. I want you to be on my side about this.”

 

“I am on your side, Jae. I just can’t get rid of my best friend.”

 

“I don’t want him around our children.”

 

“Are we really going to fight about this, here?” Yunho pinched the bridge of his nose. “This isn’t about us, or Yoochun. This is about Changmin.”

 

“Yoochun is a source of contention in your household. How does Changmin react around him?”

 

“Nervous at first,” Jaejoong said.

 

“Now he loves Yoochun.” Yunho placed his hand on Jaejoong’s thigh. “Jaejoong, I know you’re still hurt. And Yoochun’s trying to make it up to you. He just wants to make things right.”

 

“You really don’t understand…”

 

“Jaejoong, why don’t you explain? There is a lot  going on here and I think you need to explain.”

 

“Can we not talk about this now?” Jaejoong asked. “I’m too worried about Changmin right now. I want to deal with his problems first.”

 

“Alright,” Dr. Lee said slowly. “I want you and Yunho to talk about this. I’m going to refer you to a couple’s counselor. I don’t think you will need extensive sessions, maybe just 4 or 5. You are keeping secrets from each other and that’s not healthy.”

 

Yunho squeezed Jaejoong’s thigh tighter.

 

“All that being said,” Dr. Lee continued. “I will be at your house at 9am on Saturday. I’ll see you then.”

 

 

The drive home was quiet. Jaejoong was noticeably upset; his hands were shaking.

 

“Jae? What happened?”

 

Jaejoong and Yunho rarely talked about anything that happened when Yunho first went to college.

 

“Nothing. Nothing happened and I don’t want to talk about it.” Jaejoong pushed past Yunho and went to check on Changmin. He was fast asleep and . Again. Jaejoong shook his head and picked Changmin up. He put a diaper on the toddler and sat in the glider in the corner of the room.

 

Changmin barely stirred. Jaejoong smoothed Changmin’s hair down.

 

“Jae? Are you hungry? What do you want for lunch?”

 

“If I say a protein shake are you going to yell at me?” Jaejoong stared out over the backyard.

 

“No. But I’m going to tell you that you have to make sure you eat a good dinner. Mom is feeding the twins right now.” Yunho ran his hand through Jaejoong’s hair. “What flavor would you like?”

 

“I don’t care.” Jaejoong wiped his eyes with the back of his hand. “Something did happen, during your first semester. I don’t want to talk about it when we’re around the kids. Do you think your Mom will stay with the kids and we can, like, go for a walk or something.”

 

“Yeah. Do you want to go after lunch?”

 

Jaejoong shook his head. “After dinner. We’ll put the twins down first so Mom doesn’t have to do it. Then we’ll go for a walk.”

 

“Okay. I love you, Jaejoongie.”

 

“I love you too.”

 

“He was again, wasn’t he?” Yunho scratched Changmin’s back lightly.

 

“Yeah. We need to do something about that. We can’t have him running around in the buff all the time.”

 

“Why not? I did. I don’t think Mom has a photo of me fully clothed until I’m like, 5.”

 

“Why do you keep doing that?”

 

“Doing what?”

 

“Comparing everything our kids do to you did as a child. I say I’m worried about Changmin, you say he’s just shy like you were. I worry about him not wearing proper clothing, you say you did the same thing. Changmin is not you. Changmin is our son and there could be something very wrong with him.”

 

“Jae, please…”

 

“Don’t. You don’t get to end this just because you’re… I don’t even know.”

 

Jaejoong stood up and carried Changmin out of the room and down the stairs. Yunho ran after him.

 

“Where are you going?”

 

“To give Changmin to your mother. I feel like fighting with you right now and I’m not going to in front of Changmin.”

 

Jaejoong deposited Changmin in his mother-in-law’s lap and turned to Yunho. “Upstairs, bedroom. Now.”

 

“Just tell me what’s wrong,” Yunho said as they climbed the stairs.

 

Jaejoong slammed the door closed behind them. “This, Yunho. This. We aren’t co-parenting. I’m home every single day. I go in to MY office once a month for meetings. I put off my career to raise the kids. You’re ‘Daddy’. You’re the fun parent that gives Jyuni and Changmin cake and candy while I’m trying to put them to bed. I’m always the bad guy. I give out the punishments. Hell, I raise the damn kids. You only show when it’s fun,” Jaejoong shouted.

 

“What do you want me to do? I can’t run an advertising business from home. I have clients and artists and designers to meet with and organize. I can’t bring the kids to work. I don’t have time to watch them,” Yunho shouted back. “I don’t have time during the day and when I get home I’m tired and I just want to have fun with my kids and love on my husband. How am I the bad guy here?”

 

“You aren’t serious. You can’t see what’s wrong here? We don’t have a marriage anymore. We have a semi-functioning domestic… Life.”

 

“I don’t know what you want me to do. I can’t take time off of work.” Yunho paced the room.

 

“Make time! I need time to my self. I need to go into work more. I need to get away from being ‘Dada’ for a couple hours a day.”

 

“What do you want? We can find a day care. Or Mom can help more. I can give Yoochun more time off to help out around here.”

 

“You are un-ing-believable! After everything we talked about today you’d really suggest Yoochun?” Jaejoong spat Yoochun’s name out. “And you’d give that time off before you’d take time your self?”

 

“I can’t explain this any clearer, Jaejoong. I can’t work from home. I can’t take time off. We can’t be a one income family.”

 

“I can’t do this alone! I need you to be my partner. Mom, and my sisters and your mom aren’t my partners. They’re a huge help. But Yunho, they aren’t the ones I pledged my life to.” Jaejoong turned his back to Yunho. He didn’t want Yunho to see him cry. “I need help, Yunho. I need your help.”

 

“I’ll see what I can do, Jae. I’m sorry. I’ll do my best.”

 

“But your career is more important than your family.”

 

“I didn’t say that. It’s just hard right now. I have so much work backed up.” Yunho pinched the bridge of his nose. He could feel the headache coming on.

 

“Yunho, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t handle the stress and the loneliness. We have to schedule time to be together. It’s like we’re too busy to love each other.”

 

Yunho wrapped his arms around Jaejoong’s waist and buried his head in Jaejoong’s hair. “I’m sorry, Baby. I’ll fix this. Let me fix this.”

 

“I can’t. I can’t have Yoochun in this house. I just need help,” Jaejoong sobbed. He hid his face in his hands.

 

“Jaejoong. I need you to tell me what happened. Why can’t you forgive Yoochun?”

 

Jaejoong wailed and sank to the floor. His whole body shook as he cried.

 

“Jaejoongie, Baby, talk to me. Please?” Yunho kissed Jaejoong’s neck.

 

Jaejoong clamored on to Yunho’s lap. He took a deep breath. “You can’t hate me. You can’t be mad at me.”

 

“Of course not, Baby.”

 

“It… It was stupid. I was so stupid that night. I went to one of Yoochun’s parties. It was right after you went to college. We weren’t dating yet and I missed you a lot.”

 

“Did you sleep with Yoochun?”

 

“No! God, Yunho. I was a until Paris. No, it was nothing like that.” Jaejoong sat back a little. “I was really drunk. Like fall down, crawl into bed drunk. Donghae was there. We spent most of the night kissing and touching. He suggested we leave. I think I remember telling him no. And he kept pushing and asking.”

 

“It’s okay Jaejoong.” Yunho rubbed Jaejoong’s back slowly.

 

“He eventually convinced me to take me shirt off. He was kissing and biting my neck. He went to take my pants off, but Yoochun stepped in. He told me later that he tried to step in a few times before that, but I kept pushing him off. He carried me upstairs to his room and stayed by my side the whole night. He kept Donghae away from me.”

 

“I see. So when he said all that crap to you, it felt like the ultimate betrayal.”

 

“It was more than that. When you left, I had no one. I felt so alone and I missed you. Yoochun became my best friend. He really looked out for me. And made me feel like I belonged in the group.”

 

“I’m so sorry, Baby.”

 

“It seems like nothing now, but when I was 15, four years was forever. Everyone treated me like a little kid. Yoochun treated me like an equal.”

 

“He loves you, you know. He was angry with me and scared of losing me. It doesn’t make it better, but that’s what was going through his mind,” Yunho tried to explain.

 

“I know. It just hurts so much, to look at him and remember what he called me. I was already so depressed and hormonal because of the pregnancy. And all the fighting before the wedding. And then hearing my best friend call me a hussy.”

 

“Why didn’t you tell me any of this? What else are you keeping bottled up?”

 

“I don’t want you to think I’m a bad father.”

 

“You aren’t a bad father. I would never think that way of you.”

 

“I’m feeling trapped. Like, I can’t breath.” Jaejoong pressed his forehead into Yunho’s shoulder. Yunho pulled Jaejoong closer.

 

“Jaejoong, I promise I will make this better. I will be a better husband and father. I’m so sorry.” Yunho kissed Jaejoong’s wet cheek. “I promise.”

 

Jaejoong tried to steady himself. “You’ve never broken a promise.

 

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

So this is going to be a three part, apparently... One day I'll be able to reign in my muses.