Everything seems ordinary. Everyday it’s like the same; to the police then to the dorm and to bed, then again to the police. It’s like a repetition of the same thing. Earlier we had schedules and we were busy with them but now it’s all about the police. I know they are the only people I can depend on in this case but I really need a getaway.

            I wish he was here so that he would brighten up this mood. It’s dull, my life is dull.

            “Hyung Junah you have to get ready in ten minutes, we are going to the police okay?”

            “Argh!” I reply to manager hyung with a groan.

            “Go! Get ready! Palli” He orders and I get up.

            It’s not that I hate giving statements, I’m used to it now but I just want to go somewhere else today except the police station. I’m done seeing that every day. Although I’m not in prison it feels like I am. I don’t mind giving statements because I know that they can be useful for finding Jung Minnie but it’s always the same damn place. Why can’t the detective come here and take my statements? Oh god!

            I put on a white t-shirt and a pair of pants and grab a sweater to go out. I lightly slide the window to check whether it’s cold outside. It feels a bit warm, maybe because of the sunlight. I put on my sneakers and head out from the dorm with manager hyung.

            The van seems too spacious with no members inside it. I sit next to manager hyung on the front seat; a place where I rarely go to. We would often have manager hyung at the driving seat and a PD noona on the seat next to him recording us. Members rarely sit on the front seat but I just don’t want to be alone today. Kyubbi didn’t come with me today. I feel bad about it. He should have just come with me… yah Jung Minah this is all your fault! Idiot!

As the van brakes I sigh loudly. Manager hyung ruffles my hair and asks me to get off. We walk to the station and then into the same statement room. It’s empty today. The detective is not there and the room looks darker. I sit on one of the chairs and just stare at the wall in front of me. Detective YuhJoon’s report file catches my eye.

            I slowly look through the glass of the door to see whether he’s coming. I can’t see anyone in the hallway though. I carefully take the file and turn it over.

            The first report starts as SS501 member – Park Jung Min’s sudden disappearance. I read the rest. The file has the form we filled on the day we first came to the police. I turn to the next page and Jung Min’s smiling face suddenly makes me startle. His photo is attached to the page with a clip. I touch the photo with my fingers but immediately take them off. It feels like I’m touching a cactus.

            I turn over the page again. My statement reports flood in. Most of our conversations are written in point form on the papers. Some lines describe my expressions too and I don’t know why he wrote those things though. The report about the torn picture comes in next. I read the report. It talks about how the finger prints are only Jung Min’s and about the doubt that he did something to himself. I keep on thinking how can such a little thing lead this detective to come into that conclusion until I notice something more horrifying. I read through the lines very quickly. My breathing stops as my mouth drops open and suddenly someone opens the door and I literally jump out from the chair.

            “I’m sorry that I scared you Hyung Jun-ssi” detective YuhJoon says.

            I stare at him without blinking only to realize that I’ve gone through his files without his permission and that he’s standing right in front of me. I immediately close his file and slide it away. He bows at me and I bow back.

            “I don’t think it’s good that you’re going through police files” He says sitting down.

            I try to calm myself not to get furious at him again because of what I just saw. I’ve been in bad terms with him since the start so maybe I should talk about this later but... dammit!

            “What was that? Why didn’t you tell us about it?” I snap at him.

            “About what?” He asks in a surprised tone.

            “How could you hide such a big thing from us?”

            “What are you talking about?”

            “I’m talking about that notebook dammit!” I shout.

            “Oh…” He stares down to the table saying nothing.

            “Why did you hide it? He’s our member and we should know what’s happening!”

            “Joesonghabnida Hyung Jun-ssi I just thought it might hurt the boys, seeing something like that” His tone’s too apologetic.

            But I just can’t hold my anger. Why do I have to get mad at every time I meet him in one way or another? Why?

            “Hurt? You might have hurt us less if you had told us about it! He hates himself for god sake and you hid that from us? We could have at least…” I stop half way through.

            “At least what Hyung Jun-ssi? You’ll see it and then you all will worry to death. Other than that what else can you do? It ain’t like he has written something regarding where he might be right now”

            “Alright, alright! Sorry” I whisper.

            “If you want I can talk about the notebook” He offers and I nod.

            He turns over to the page where the notebook evidence is written on. I stare at the torn page of his notebook he used to write down the schedule or sometimes just scribble whatever he likes. YuhJoon turns the file to my side and starts on explaining.

            “When we went to his apartment to re-check we found this along with that photo of course. The team found this after you went to the dorm again so we decided not to inform you about this because enough horrible things have happened already. As you can see he has written that he hates himself over and over again on the paper. We checked his handwriting to be sure anyway and-”

            “This is his handwriting, I know” I cut him off.

            “The notebook had many fingerprints but the newest ones were from him”

            “Many? You mean someone else’s? Who’s?” I suddenly ask.

            “Yours and other members’ too”

            “Oh, okay” Of course it has our fingerprints.

            “This is the only page that he has written this. The earlier pages were normal as he has only written his schedule or lyrics and things like that. The notebook is empty after this page. But as it seems some pages were torn away from the notebook after this page though. Maybe he used them for something and took them with him because we couldn’t find any” Detective YuhJoon explains as I stare at the page.

            “Did you bring the notebook with you to the police?” I ask.

            “Of course we did. It was evidence”

            “Can I take a look at it?” I request and he nods.

            I wait until YuhJoon comes back with the notebook. As I stare into the empty wall in front of me so many thoughts flood into my mind. Along with the thoughts I see him from time to time. It feels like he’s standing right in front of me and then suddenly disappears again into the darkness the room’s corner carries. I shake my head sweeping away that sight.

            “Hyung Jun-ssi, here you go” YuhJoon hands me the notebook and sits down.

            I turn over the pages and just read through his schedules. The doodles he had done in the page corner’s catches my eye. I stop at a page where leader hyung drew a horse to mock Jung Minnie. It makes me smile as I remember the moment.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

Leader hyung grabs the notebook from Jung Minnie by force. Jung Minah keeps holding into it but hyung takes it somehow.

            “Yah what the hell is this childish notebook? Look at these animals. Ah Jinja I don’t know why you people love cute things so much?” Leader hyung says.

            “Yah give it back I need to write down the schedule” Jung Minnie shouts.

            “Look who’s here!” Leader hyung hold out the notebook to us.

            It’s a horse!

            “Mal!” I say in a deep voice and all laugh.

            “Yah!” Jung Minnie tries to take the notebook from leader again.

            Hyun Joong hyung pushes him away and grabs a pen and sit down to scribble on the notebook I think. He keeps on laughing as he doodle and I take a look behind his shoulder. Haha... he’s drawing a jeongmal ugly horse on the book. There’s even snot coming from its nose. Yuck!

            “Ah Jinja!” Jung Minah snaps as leader holds out the drawing.

            “Jung Min so pretty! Wait…is that snot? Haha…” Kyu Jongah burst out laughing.

            “Look at the tail” Young Saeng hyung joins Kyubbi.

            “At least the drawing looks better than Jung Min’s face” I say comparing him and the art as I hold the book next to his face.

            “Omma! These kids are teasing me” Jung Minnie shouts and we all laugh at him.

            “Yah shut up! Give me the damn thing I need to write down my schedule” He adds.

            “Mal Jung Min!” I shout next to his ear and run away.

            He follows me into the hallway and punches me on the arm. I hand him the notebook and go into the practice room again with him. Members are still laughing saying things about him. Jung Minnie sits next to leader and turns away and slightly smiles.

            “Jung Min Mal jjang!” I say and he pouts at me.

            “Shut up” He whispers and turns away.

            “You know I love you the most right?” I hug him from behind.

            “Ah Jinja!” He groans.

            “Bobo?” I ask in an innocent tone.

            “Chugulle?” Jung Minah snaps in a loud tone.

            “Ah palli!” I shake him.

            “Aish Jinja!” He says and gives me a bobo after a few seconds. Kekeke.

___________________________________________________________________________________________________

            “Hyung Jun-ssi? Hyung Jun-ssi?” I hear someone calling me.

             I shake my head to step into the reality. I give detective YuhJoon a fake smile and close the notebook. Memories hit me hard and I get drowned in them without knowing where I am or what I am doing.

            “Do you need something? Water maybe?” He asks and I shake my head.

            My mouth ain’t dry. I feel normal despite the fact of feeling empty inside. I clear my throat as YuhJoon switches on the voice recorder. I try to remember an incident of Jung Min’s strange behaviour as the detective asks me to. One hits my mind; the day when Jung Min broke a glass after fighting with leader. Leader wasn’t really angry at him but Jung Min was really mad at him up to the point where he just smashed the glass which was on the table next to him. We all were confused but none tried to calm him down. We cleaned up the mess and went to sleep. He acted normal after we woke up so we didn’t take the fight seriously after that.

            I start telling the story as YuhJoon takes down some notes. Jung Min’s scribbling from the notebook floats in my mind as I try to concentrate on the story only. I stop as I feel too bothered but I take a deep breath to calm down myself and start telling the story again.