It’s been three days since Jung Min gone missing. We still haven’t found him. The police are saying that they are doing their best to find him and that they have informed every police station around the country and around the world about his disappearance. I know they are doing everything they can because he’s a celebrity and they have to find him from somewhere.

     Kyu Jongah places a ramen bowl in front of me as I stare into the darkness of the cold night. I ignore the ramen and continue to stare into air. I can’t feel my hands as the autumn wind has frozen them completely. Someone closes the opened balcony door next to me: probably Kyu Jong but I don’t even care to look. My eyes are still staring into the air. Seoul looks absolutely beautiful at night with the lights and my memory runs into the past where once we both admired it. The moment appears in front of my eyes like a painting being painted right now. I don’t feel that it’s in the past anymore but in the present. Slowly and slowly the painting builds up and I get lost in the moment.

     “Isn’t it beautiful?” I ask Jung Min as he leans to the balcony next to me.

     “Mmm… very beautiful” He answers.

     Our dorm is situated in the top floor of the building. It’s about eleven stories high. One can see a whole part of Seoul from here. The street lights lighten the night and the moonlight lightens the darkened places perfectly. Headlights of vehicles are about a size of an ant and as they move, it paints out an eye-catching picture of a streaming lake. For a moment all the lights shining from various, various places looked like pearl light green light sticks that Triple S girls wave at our concerts. For a moment the lights looked like a green ocean to me until Jung Min interrupted my illusion.

     “It’s like a watching a concert eh?” He suddenly asks.

     “How come you think the same thing as me?” I snap at him.

     “I thought first” He snaps back.

     “No I thought first!”

     There starts our fight!

     “You can’t win with me” His tone sounds confident.

     Well he’s right! I’ve never won.

     I give him a ‘you’re dead’ look and turn away.

     “Ugly *turtle” He murmurs to himself.

     “Ugly *horse” I murmur to myself.

     He starts poking me on my arm and I continue to ignore him. He pokes more and more and I start to get pissed but for fun only. I never get seriously pissed at Jung Min ever. As he continue to poke me more and more I suddenly turn to his side to stop him.

    “*Wae?” He asks as I turn to his side.

     My whole mind goes blank as I see Kyu Jongah next to me. I try to clear my head because I was next to Jung Min all this time and I suddenly see Kyu Jong out of nowhere and it messes me up.

     “Wae?” Kyu Jongah asks again.

     “Ani” I immediately turn away from him.

     “Hyung Junah” He rubs my shoulder.

     “What’s wrong?” He adds.

     I remain silent.

     “Aren’t you going to eat?” He asks again.

     “I remembered one of our fights and I thought that he was next to me and when I turned you were there and it just ed me up hyung” I blabber.

     “They will find him Hyung Junah, wait a little bit more”

     “What If they don’t?” I pop up a hard question.

     Hyung’s expression goes blank and his face turns goes pale as I watch him. But something in his eyes tells me that he harbours that fear somewhere inside him. Even though hyungs trying to encourage me or assures me that they will find Jung Min because I’m the most scared, we all have that hidden fear inside us aren’t we?

     “Hyung Junah, stop the nonsense and eat!” Leader orders from across the room.

     We all startle at his shout. He’s trying to fade away the words I just said. Though they try to pretend they are sure that Jung Min would be found someday, his sudden shout proved that it’s all just an act in front of me. I feel annoyed and isolated suddenly.

     “You are asking me to eat because then I’ll go silent. I know you all have that doubt inside you. You all know that Jung Min being founded isn’t a hundred percent sure thing. You are just trying to act in front of me. Don’t do that!” I scream at all of them and run to the bathroom.

     This bathroom is the only place I can be alone. I don’t have my own room in the dorm and it’s obvious that one can’t have their own room in a dorm. I could have gone out but I don’t want to be completely alone. If I went out no one would be next to me or with me. I feel good in this washroom because I know if at some point I want someone to comfort me I would always have hyungs to run for. They are only a door’s far from me.

     My stupid thoughts make me smile suddenly: I want to be alone but not really. Seriously I’m such a pabo. But as I slowly smile at my own self something suddenly takes the smile away. It’s that isolated feeling I got when all of them said nothing to my question. Why can’t they be truthful just like me? Why can’t they tell everything they think? Why do they keep something to themselves? Why these hyungs are like this? Why do they hide things?

     Why? Why? At the end it all comes down to him.

     Why did you just run away like that Jung Minah? You silly little idiot! I hate you so much for doing that! You could have told me what’s the reason behind all those crazy stuff? You could have shared everything with me like I do with you! Why my hyungs treat me like this? Why do they hide things? Why Jung Minah Why?

     “Ah wae!!!” I suddenly scream.

     My voice echoes inside the bathroom. Even I startle at my own scream. I didn’t plan that: it just came out of its own.

     “Hyung Junah! *Genchana?” Leader shouts from outside.

     “Ah de, de” My voice’s almost a whisper.

     “Come out, now!” Leader shouts again.

     Maybe I shouldn’t be alone. See? This is why I chose the bathroom. I really can’t stay alone for a long time without doing something stupid.

     “What the hell was that?” He asks as I open the door.

     “Just got confused with all the things, forget it” I pat on his shoulder and pace towards my mattress.

     “Aren’t you going to eat something?” Young Saeng hyung asks me and my stomach suddenly grumbles.

     I was going to say I’m not hungry but now these three people won’t let me sleep without eating something.

     “I’ll feed you” Kyu Jongah says lifting up the ramen bowl.

     “*Gumawo hyung” I give him a smile.

     He settles down next to me and start to feed me. Suddenly I feel blessed. I know I felt isolated and annoyed at hyungs but the way they are trying to comfort me and take care of me makes me feel how much they love me. Maybe they are hiding everything inside them because they don’t want their stupid maknae to feel pressured. I feel sorry for shouting at them earlier but I don’t want to apologize because I’m still angry at them for pretending. Maybe I should just forget it, or should I really apologize?

     As I take another mouthful of noodles leader gives me a warm smile. His expression’s saying that he’s very glad that I’m properly eating something after three days. Something tells me that he feels sorry because he has to act in front of me because he loves me too much. He hates lying but right now they all have to because of me.

     I should apologize.

     “Joesonghabnida hyung” My tone’s weak.

     “For what?” Leader asks as if he knows nothing.

     “For what I said earlier. I was just-”

     “Shut up and eat” Leader cuts me off. His tone’s teasing.

     “Gumawo” I add.

     “And now what?” He asks again. 

     “For taking care of me”

     “Pabo” Leader’s mouth curls into a smile.

     “*Saranghaeyo” I whisper.

     All three of them laugh suddenly. They know I’m saying that so that they won’t get angry with me. But despite that they know that I really mean it more than anything else. This is the first time after Jung Min’s disappearance I’ve heard hyungs laugh.

     I turn to Kyu Jongah to ask for another mouthful ramen but leader’s ringtone disrupts me.

     “*Yeoboseyo” Leader answers the phone; his tone’s full of hopes.

     We all impatiently wait for some good news.