Best thing to do was to contact the doctor. We told her what happened and she kept asking for details over the phone. Jung Min demanded that we talk via speaker but none of us didn’t want to say anything in front of him. I tried to take the phone and leave the room but this idiot kept following me. He’s so keen on certain things. He always, always has to know what people talk about him and their opinions. He just doesn’t let go. Eventually we managed to let her know what happened and she recommended that we bring him in for a session as soon as we could.

                So here we are at the hospital now. Jung Min is inside the doctor’s room. She wanted us to come and talk to her about this face to face. I don’t know what’s left to know because she basically asked everything through the call. People sometimes ask too many questions. I wish they wouldn’t. Because watching someone you love being in pain is one thing and then having to explain that to other people is another. I would choose neither to be honest. I think anyone would choose neither. I cannot even begin to imagine how this must be for his parents. Jung Min rarely talks to them although they keep trying to reach him every day. He says he doesn’t want to worry them. But their son suffering like this in a foreign country is more than enough to worry about. I hope he understands that talking to them is actually going to help them to cope with this. It’s not easy for anybody.

                But Jung Min refuses everything. He doesn’t want any of his school friends talking to him or coming to see him. He doesn’t want his parents around. The only person he could tolerate was ajhumma until he scared her to death that day. Now he can’t face her because he’s guilty and he doesn’t know how to say sorry. Members are here because I’m not very reliable although I believe I am. Maybe I’m not, who knows.

                The doctor calls us in. But she doesn’t want all four of us inside instead she asks two of us to come in. She goes “If two people who know about this the best could come in, that would be great”.

                I take a step back and wait to see who’s going on. But to my surprise Hyun Joong hyung grabs my arm and follows the doctor. I look at the other members and make a ‘why-me?’ face and walk in. Jung Min is sitting far at the corner. His face is hanging low and he doesn’t seem a tiny bit satisfied with whatever they’ve been talking about. The doctor asks hyung and I to sit down and opens a file in front of us on her desk. I lean forward to take a look but it’s all printed in Cantonese.

                “This is Jung Min’s medical report of last month” Then she points at a chart on it. “You could see here how this red line keeps decreasing towards the end. This is his reactions to the treatments which we’ve been constantly changing over time to meet his needs. But you can see here that there’s rarely any improvement” She slides the file over to us.

                “So what, are you giving up or something?” I snap at her.

                Hyung slaps my knee under the table.

                “No! Of course not! That’s clearly not what I meant. I was only educating you on the situation”

                I nod awkwardly and look down at the file.

                “I’ve prepared an English version of the same file here for your reference” She takes out another file and lays it out on top of the other one.

                I read through what I can understand; most of the terms are medical and I don’t know their meanings. The doctor arrives at a section called Symptoms. She points at a list where all his symptoms are listed. I read through each one but I can only understand a few.

                Short-temper, mood swings, depression, hallucinations, illusions and the list goes on. I immediately look back at Jung Min.

                “You’ve had hallucinations?” I ask across the room.

                He looks up, nods at me and then looks down again.

                “What kind of? What were they?” I ask louder.

                He doesn’t say a thing. I sigh and look back at the doctor. She gives me a reassuring smile and starts talking again.

                “This symptom, illusions; he only had it once and that was when he thought I called him. It’s new but it’s common so it’s nothing to majorly worry about. It happens to a lot of patients who has the same disorder”. The doctor lowers her voice. “They just make up a scenario inside their heads and believe it’s real. This sometimes can be dangerous too because they might hurt people around him”

                The words make me cringe.

                “Hurt us how? Is he a danger to us?” Hyung asks.

                “Might become one but that’s not what I was intending at. I meant that he would verbally or emotionally hurt his family and friends. He might say things he shouldn’t be saying and that will cause problems. Pain, guilt; these always come along with disorders”

                “So, are you going to change his medication then?” Hyung asks.

                “We are going to try some new medication. Every patient reacts differently to medications so we cannot guarantee anything. Treating the brain is way harder than treating a physical injury. We can never be sure on which medication will be effective. It’s almost like an experiment than a treatment”

                I loudly sigh and meet the doctor’s eyes. “How long will he be sick?”

                “Honestly speaking, we have no clue”

                “Is he ever going to get better?” Hyung asks afterwards.

                “I’m sorry to say but-” She lowers her voice again. “It’s fairly incurable”

                I get the urge to stand up and leave. It’s clearly not what a person would want to hear right? But there’s no point of me getting angry. It’s the truth. Brain disorders never come with expiring dates. It’s foolish for one to even expect something like that. The longer I stay here; the more I get the urge to drag Jung Min out of this place. As long as there are no hospitals, there won’t be any sickness, right?

                The doctor speaks up again. “I understand how this must be for you all. I see people like you every day. I see the grief, the sadness, the pain, trust me I see all of it. I very well understand it all. Just because I understand does not mean I have to lie to you. I don’t want to give false hope to any of you and make you feel like you’ve been betrayed. If there’s anything I have learned being in this profession it’s that I should never lie. There’s no point lying to family and friends and there’s no point to lying to the patient either. Although I’m glad that Jung Min is willing to hear everything about his sickness. He doesn’t deny anything like before”

                I look back at Jung Min as she speaks. He’s still staring down. The doctor’s voice is very low and even I can barely hear her. It’s a good thing he can’t hear her. He doesn’t need to be told the same thing over and over again. I still have the urge to walk away. Jung Min looks so vulnerable in that corner. I really want to take him away from all of this; at least for a while. So he could forget that he’s sick or that he needs treatment or that he needs anything. I wish I could take him to somewhere far away where he doesn’t have to worry about pills or therapy appointments. I wonder if such a place exists at all. Maybe it doesn’t.

                “I’ve already thought what’s best for him” The doctor speaks again and I turn to look at her.

                “What do you mean?” Hyung asks leaning forward in his chair.

                “Well... for one, we are changing his medication. We are going to continue the anti-depressants but we are removing all the other medications completely”

                “How is he going to get better then?” My tone turns angrier.

                “Usually, patients with schizoid disorder are not treated with medications unless they require anti-depressants which we will continue” She says and points at two bottles lying on the table.

                I take one of them and look around. I haven’t seen these new bottles before although I’m pretty familiar with the older ones. It has Jung Min’s name printed on them. He should take two pills everyday following the main meals. They should be taken until further advised to be stopped. I unscrew the cap look inside. The pills are pretty big. I don’t like pills. They make me nauseate. I can’t even imagine how to take two of these pills everyday for a long-term.

                “What’s the second step?” Hyun Joong hyung asks and I snap out of my thoughts and keep the bottle back on the table.

                “He might need to do seek residential treatments”

                “What does that mean?” Hyung asks again.

                “If his situation gets worsen then he might need to be hospitalized”

                “What? Like a psych ward?” I shout at her.

                Hyung immediately hits me with his elbow. “Yah!” He hisses.      

                “It’s not bad as you make it sound like, really” She sighs. “It might help him”

                “You want to help him by putting him among bunch of other crazy people? How is that going to help him?” I shout again.

                It’s impossible for me to keep my voice down although I should. Jung Min wasn’t supposed to hear any of this and now because of me, he surely must have.

                “I understand your concern but those people are in the same position as your friend”

                “More like my friend is in the same position as them, huh?”

                Just then I hear couple of footsteps.

                “What’s going on?” Jung Min asks from behind in a curious tone.

                I clench my hand into a fist. I can’t bear the thought of him inside a hospital, left to rot with a disorder he doesn’t even deserve.

                Hyung gets up and walks to him. “Nothing Jung Minah. Go and sit down, okay?” He says.

                “Jung Minah, maybe you should go get some air” The doctor suggests.

                “That’s a great idea. I could use some too” Hyung takes Jung Min out of the room.

                I look back at them as they are near the door. Jung Min curls his eyebrows in concern at me. I know that face. He pulls it off when he thinks I’m in a trouble all by myself. I look away from him because I keep imagining him in a locked room without no one to talk to or to take care of him. It hurts me right in the heart and it makes me tear up.              

As soon as the door closes the doctor speaks up again. “Hyung Jun-ssi you have to understand that this is important for your friend”

“Important how? How does him rotting inside a psych ward is going to help him?”

“It’s going to help him to come into terms with his illness. Also the patients with this certain disorder always try to push people away. It’s a normal thing. Maybe it’s too much for him you know, all the band members inside his house. Four people is a lot to take in”

“But he’s been doing that since he was 19!” I raise my volume once again.

“He wasn’t sick back then, was he?” She asks in a calm tone opposite to mine.

                I can’t see the point of this, at all.

                “You can’t put him in a psych ward and that’s it”

                “No offense Hyung Jun-ssi but you cannot take decisions regarding Jung Min’s life. That’s up to him and his parents”. She says taking back both the files to her side.

                “Why aren’t we allowed to try a little bit more? I’m sure we can take care of him. We can all help him to get better. Trust me, we can” My tone changes into a plea.

                “I’m sure you have good intentions but it’s not very possible for people like you who are inexperienced to help him get better. He needs the professionals’ help”

                “Of course! Of course, that’s why he’s getting worse day by day for the past three months because you are all so professional”

I had to stand up. I’m boiling with anger and I cannot even sit any longer. I have so much anger I need to put out there. My eyes search for something to smash so that I won’t have to say things I’m not supposed to. But this is not my house. I shouldn’t be causing destruction.

                “That’s not what I meant” She says in a low shameful tone.

                “Oh I’m sure of what you meant” I turn to look at her. “I stopped him from taking his life dammit! Were you there? Were your fellow professionals there to save him that day?”

                She shakes her head and stares down. My eyes start tearing up and it blurs my vision.

                “Nobody was there that day! I saw him through that all by myself. It took me over ten minutes to actually convince him not to do it, not to kill himself. Do you know how scared I was that I was going to witness my friend committing suicide right in front of my eyes and I won’t be able to do anything? Do you know how that feels like? How much it hurts?” I finally break down into tears. I couldn’t hold it back any longer. I feel like the entire world is coming crashing down at me.

                “Look-” She starts to talk again but I cut her off.

                “No! You look! I’m constantly living with fear that he’s going to do it again. Every time I see the scars on his hands or the scars on mine, I flinch. It makes me sick to the stomach that he’s able to do something like that and I wouldn’t even know about it. Trust me it’s not a pleasant thought at all. But you wouldn’t know because you haven’t gone through something like that. For the love of god I hope no one will ever have to go through something like that. It’s gut-wrenching and leaves scars for life. And every day when I’m living in fear like this all the damn time, you want me to send him off to some psych ward and think he’s going to be safe there? What are you going to do, put him in a room without anything in it so that he cannot hurt himself?”

                She stands up. “You don’t understand Hyung Jun-ssi. We are going to watch over him 24/7 and no of course he won’t be in a room with nothing in it. This is not a prison” Her tone turns angrier with every word. “You just have to stop being in denial”

                “Nothing you say is going to make me want to see him in a psych ward”

                “I’d appreciate if you call it hospitalized rather than psych ward. That’s a very offensive word”

                “I don’t care!”

                She holds both her hands up and sits back down. I regret being too rude to a person whom I barely know. I hear the door opening.

                “Hyung Junah, let’s leave” Kyu calls from behind.

                The moment I look at him, I start wanting to cry again. I crunch my face and let the tears roll down. He immediately walks over and puts an arm around my shoulder.

                “It’s going to be alright, don’t cry”

                “Please make him understand that everything is for Jung Min’s own good” The doctor says out loud.

                “I will” Kyu bows at her and attempts to leave.

                “I can’t trust him with any of you” I say shaking my head in disappointment.

                “Let’s go” Kyu pulls me towards him.

                “He’s not going to be put in a room away from us just because you think he can’t stand me or my friends. You are wrong! You don’t know him. He loves us as much as we love him”

                “I’m sure he does” Her tone’s mocking.

                I hold myself back from saying anything else. Tears keep streaming down my face and my heart tugs at every sob. Kyu keeps pulling me towards the door until I finally brush him off and walk myself. I stop dead in my tracks with the sight outside the door.

                Jung Min is staring at me with bloodshot eyes. There are a million things at the edge of my tongue that I want to tell him but they all seem pointless and unworthy of even mentioning. I try to walk away from him so that I can go and be pitiful at somewhere else. But Jung Min suddenly pulls me into a hug.

                “Idiot” He says.

                I let out a painful laugh and hug him back. For a moment I forget how terrifying it was to see him in the dark holding that glass piece waiting to sink it into his stomach, just for a moment. 

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Almost one year of hiatus eh? I know I know... hit me with all your swears and curses I don't mind. I've been an I know! I'm SO SO SO SORRY! I was busy with university pretties and it was really hard for me to get any inspiration to write this at all. I recently finished uni and looking forward to graduate! ^_^ weehee!! I don't know how to say sorry to all of you, I truly am very very sorry! And please know that I read every comment, and appreciate each one of it. I've seen how many of you asking me to update this, and yes I see all of you! I love all of you! Thank you so much for hanging on and not leaving this fic. It means the world to me! I truly wish I can be a bit more responsible than this but I'm going to try my best in the future. Thank you so much for staying! After all Triple S are known for waiting eh? ^^

!THANK YOU FOR YOUR LOVE TO PERSONA!