I finished bandaging his hands early in the morning. The cuts were deep and made me wonder whether we should seek medical advice for it. But he opposed to my idea. He kept saying he’ll be fine. I avoided another fight by just agreeing with him. It’s still dark outside because sun is late during this season. I don’t think it’s still seven at least. My stomach growls.

                “Hungry?” Jung Minah asks me across the room.

                I nod. He’s cleaning off the smashed mirror. I don’t take my eyes off from him for even a single second. He knows I’m eyeing him as he looks up at me from time to time with a slight smile on his face.  

                “Should I make something?” He asks again.

                “Did you sleep last night?” I ask back.

                “Not really” He says looking down.

                “Why?”

                “Wasn’t sleepy”

      “But you should sleep!”             

                “You eat something first and then I’ll sleep”

                “But-”

                “No buts!” He says in a loud voice suddenly lifting up his head.

                I nod; what else can I do anyway? Jung Min gathers all the glass pieces into the dust tray and put it into two bin bags that are arranged one over the other. He drops the rubbish into a dustbin and picks up the wet wipes to clean off our…blood.

                “Leave that to ajhumma” I say.

                I don’t know why I said that. Maybe I don’t want him to have any intentions again.               

                “It’s our blood. It’s impolite to let her clean it” He says wiping the floor.

                I say nothing. The blood is kind of dried and it takes him a little while to clean it off. As he’s done he places his hands on his waist and turns at me.

                “Now… what do you want to eat?” He asks.

                “Rice cakes!” I shout. Dang!

                He purses his lips fighting back both laughter and anger. I let out a loud laugh. After a few seconds he laughs too and shakes his head.

                “Let’s eat rice cakes” I say a in a teasing tone.

                “Arasso, arasso” He nods with his eyebrows rose up.

                I wait for him to comment on what I said. Obviously he ain’t going to silently go to the kitchen to make it anyway. He takes two steps towards the door and then stops.

                “You seriously had to ask for that?” He narrows his eyes.

                I grin and he frowns at me. But I know he isn’t angry, he’s just pretending to be so.

                “The phenomenal rice cakes, haha!” I laugh while getting out of the bed.

                “What are you doing?” He asks pacing towards me.

                “I’m coming to the kitchen with you” My voice breaks as my shoulders starts hurting again.

                I can barely feel my legs through the pain but I can’t let him go alone. I don’t trust him with his life. I don’t want to take risks.

                “Yah I can manage alone. Rest now” He says trying to make me sit on the bed again.

                “Andwae. I’m coming”

                “I’m not going to suicide don’t worry”

                “You think I can trust you with your life?”

                “I told you already I’m not going to kill myself”

                “Doesn’t matter” I stick to my decision.

                He huffs with anger and turn around. I try to follow him but I don’t think I’d be able to balance myself that far.

                “Yah help me” I call from behind.

                “If you want to come then deal with it alone” He turns at me with a sharp burning gaze.

                “Oh c’mon!” I tilt my head to a side with wiggled eyebrows.

                He sighs and shakes his head staring at me with a furious expression. I don’t see a tantrum coming on the way though.

                Just then I feel a shake in my legs and I lose balance. Jung Min runs towards me and catches me before I fall. I hold onto his arms tightly. My knees are bent and they carrying my whole body weight. The pain bites into my veins.

                “Ah” I helplessly clench my teeth.

                I didn’t want him to see my pain so that he’d take me to the kitchen. But dammit I just had to lose balance. I make a ‘tsk’ sound as he lifts me up. I feel like something is stabbing into my knees and I can’t keep standing anymore.

                “Stop being so stubborn” He shouts as he places me on the bed.

                I sigh, loudly.

                “Do you even know how scared I am?” My tone carries anger this time.

                “Do you know how much I want to live?” He stares at me waiting for me to speak.

                I say nothing and look down at my lap. We both stay silent for a while and then he kneels down in front of me.

                “I’m not… going to kill myself” He whispers.

                I slowly look up and meet his eyes.

                “I am not going to leave you or anyone else. I’m not going to die. I know I haven’t been very co-operative for the past few hours but I want to live. And I’m independent. I don’t want you nagging around me and always watching over me like I’m three. I can manage this and I won’t die. The doctor told me that if this is ever going to get better then it has to be me who’ll have to find the cure. You all can help me but I have to let the treatment in. And that’s what I’m doing! I’m letting you in!” He sighs at the end and gets up.

                “Geurae” I nod looking down at my lap again.

                He leaves the room. My heart starts beating so fast with the fear of him doing something to himself. The image of him in the middle of that blood pool keeps coming into my mind. But after all he has said just now, I can’t bother him anymore. If I keep nagging him then he’ll throw another tantrum; I don’t want to die before saving him. I’d do anything to live, to see cured Jung Min.

                A phone vibrates from somewhere. I don’t know where that is. I look around the room and concentrate on the sound to see where it is. It’s at my left I think.

                “Err” It’s on the table at the corner of the room.

                I can’t reach for it with this pain. “Jung Minah” I shout.

                No answer. A shiver runs down my spine. I brave it and call out again. “Jung Minah!”

                “Boo!” He suddenly jumps in through the door scaring the hell out of me.

                I feel like my heart is at my throat. “You…” I pause my curse and lift my chin towards the side of the phone. He laughs and walks to it.

                The vibrating has stopped.

                His presence in front of me is enough to take away my pain even for a second. God I was so scared this time, for real! I felt like that nightmare was becoming a truth. Some birds chirp outside and it distracts my attention at the bad dream.

                “Oh Kyu Jongah” Jung Minnie says lifting the phone.

                “They already here?” My voice carries surprise.

                Those lazy bums waking up this early for a flight? Nah. Impossible.

                The call comes again and Jung Min picks up. “Kyu Jonagh? What’s up?”

                As he listens into the phone I check him out from his head to toe searching for new wounds. How stupid am I? I clearly know he did nothing to himself at the kitchen but I’m so worried. I stare at his bandaged hand holding the phone. An expression of pain is written on his face. Maybe it hurts for him to hold something like that. How does he even manage to cook at this point?

                Am I giving him more trouble? God, am I ever useful?

                “Okay, have a safe flight. See you here” He hangs up.

                I felt like he was on the phone for a while but I think it didn’t last for ten seconds at least. So many things run around my mind at a little time. This whole situation has taken over me, has completely changed me maybe. But even though I try my best to be useful, why do I always feel like I’m useless?

                “They said they are going to board in while. Flight is like six hours long. I guess they’d be here by the afternoon” He says.

                I nod and look away. I don’t know what to say. It’s better if I don’t talk with him for now. I’d probably blurt it out that I’m feeling down and then he’ll make him as the reason and that whole drama will start again.

                He suddenly walks towards the bed and comes and stands next to me. Oh please tell me he didn’t notice my sadness. “I’m going to check up on the teokbokki. Sleep for a bit arasso? Your face itself looks tired. Here’s the phone” I take it from him and throw it onto the bed.

                He adjusts my pillow and points at it with a stiff face just as ordering me. I scrunch my face at him lie down on the bed. My shoulders still hurt. I don’t know if I’m able to go to the airport either. But I’m definitely not letting Jung Minnie go alone either. Maybe I should sleep a bit more and energize myself. There’s more pain because I haven’t eaten either.

                “I’ll turn off the light” He says leaving the room in darkness.

                I close my eyes keeping my faith on him.