I feel someone shaking me and whispering into my ear. I can barely open my eyes. They are glued together. I greet the reality with a huge yawn almost hurting my cheeks. Everything was black till now and I wonder why didn’t I see any dream?

            “Hyung Junnie wake up, we are home” Kyu Jongah whispers into my ear.

            I nod and slowly get up. The van’s empty as only me and Kyu Jongah was left after my session at the police station. I immediately feel the emptiness and the sudden change in the atmosphere. It’s different from the time when I have ridden the van alone when we were going to pick other members up.

            I shake my head trying to brush away the though as it bothers me.

            “Kids go inside, palli” Manager hyung says through the closed shutter next to me.

            “Arasso hyung” Kyu Jongah takes my hand and we both leave the van.

            I feel drowsy as we take the stairs to the dorm. It’s a bit cold since it’s the autumn. Yeah there are no radiators in hallways obviously. Ah I so want to sleep.

            Leader opens the door for us and as I’m in I jump onto the mattress on the floor with the sweater on.

            “Ah Hyung Junah change your clothes and sleep will you?”

            “Mmm” I murmur ignoring him.

            “Hyung Junah what did that ajhussi say?” Leader asks.

            “Ajhussi” Young Saeng hyung laughs repeating leader’s words.

            “Is he that old?” Kyu Jong asks.

            This time manager joins while laughing.

            “Seemed pretty old to me though” Leader says while laughing.

            “He’s a pretty time bomb anyway” I snap.

            “Why?”He asks.

            “He got pissed at me last time hyung don’t you remember?”

            “Aish you’re the biggest time bomb not him”

            “Geruae” Kyu Jongah says in a teasing tone.

            “Ah you guys!” I snap.

            “Jokes aside, tell what he said” Leader asks again.

            “He asked me to tell him the whole story as in the day all these things started. The day that Jung Min started acting weird and all”

            “He asked us that too but I can’t seem to recall an exact date though”

            “Nor can I” Saengie says.

            “Why don’t you remember the day when he scolded at me for being late on that shooting day for the music video?” I ask.

            “When was that?”

            “Ah that day when I rushed to the set after getting my hair done Jung Min started acting all weird and fierce towards me and then Hyun Joong hyung asked both of us to shut up”

            “I always ask for you both to shut up” Leader says.

            “I think it was first day on the set for a song for you”

            “Wait wait… You two quarrelled for real on that day right? I slightly remember because even I thought it was a little bit of weird for Jung Min to behave like that but I didn’t care much because he often acts like that so” Young Saeng hyung says and I nod.

            “So did you tell the detective what happened that day?” Manager asks.

            “Yes all of it. He said he needs to know everything to come to a conclusion for the reason for Jung Min’s disappear”

            “Is he trying to act like some Psychologist?” Leader asks.

            “Remove the ‘logist’ part and try again” I try to free my anger through words.

            “Ah geurae geurae, Hyung Junah go have a wash and come to sleep”

            “I’m not sleepy”

            “Okay then go wash yourself” Leader orders again.

            This time I stand up. Ah he’s such a nagger. Oh well, at least my body gets cleaned.

            As the hot water hits my face in a very slow rhythm I fasten its speed until it hurts me. I change the temperature to ice cold. I don’t know why I’m doing these things. Maybe I’m trying to forget about Jung Min through hurting myself? Or distracting myself with pain? I don’t know.

            Thousands of things stream into my mind. It gets filled with so many memories I had with the members. I once remember how all of us had fun at the beach after a photo shoot. Members were so happy and excited. It’s been a long time since I’ve gone to a beach and had that much fun. At that time it felt like we could even fly. No one would have ever thought our destiny would be like this; the very same five boys who had a crazy fun at the beach that day would become depressed to death like this and won’t even take a single glance at something which will make them happy. 

            It’s amazing how time flies and everything changes. Nothing stays the same forever. Everything is just an illusion; it’s us who believes it’s true and run after happiness but in reality we are just losing it unknowingly.

            I should have given more attention to Jung Min. I should have asked him why he wasn’t in his right mind. I should have…

            “Hyung Junah… wake up” I feel someone calling me gently.

            I don’t care to open my eyes as it feels like a dream. I turn around and to sleep a little more but someone turns me back.

            “Hyung Junah take these pills and go to sleep again”

            Pills?

            “Hyung Junah c’mon” I recognize the voice.

            It’s Kyu Jong.

            “You’re sick baby wake up”

            “Ah wae!” I open my eyes suddenly with anger and find myself on the bed.

            But wasn’t I having a bath? How did I end up on the bed?

            “Why am I here? I should be in the bathroom?” I ask.

            “You fainted Junah.”

            “Did I?”

            “Yes, we heard a sound from the bathroom but you didn’t reply us when we called. So manager hyung and Hyung Joong hyung broke the lock to see and you were on the floor”

            “I don’t know, I don’t remember” I whisper.

            “Of course you don’t. Now take the pills because you are heating up like a oven”

            “Am I sick?” I place the back of my palm on my neck.

            Holy ! I’m burning.

            “What the hell happened to me?” I ask.

            “Why on earth did you turn the water to ice cold? And maybe you were standing under the shower for too long so you were dizzy or something I don’t know. Explain to me about the cold water? I finely remember that the last time I used it, it was warm. And you just…”

            “I don’t know. I felt like it was too hot in there”

            “It’s the autumn for god sake” Kyu Jongah’s voice sounds a bit angry.

            But I know he’s not exactly angry, because he never gets angry. He’s just too worried about me. But what can I do? Even I feel depressed sometimes.

            “Even I’m giving trouble to the members aren’t I?” My tone’s almost a whisper.

            “What do you mean? It’s not like that. Take these pills and go to sleep. Do you want me to make you something to eat?”

            Why you so kind Kyubbi?

            “I don’t think I’m hungry” I reply back.

            “But you have to eat something before taking medicine”

            “No I’m good. Give me the pills I want to sleep”

            I don’t know why but I want Kyu Jong to leave. He’s too kind and I’m just being a huge burden to him and to all the members. I just don’t want anyone in the room right now. Thank god they’ve put me in the room’s bed not on the mattress in the living room. I quickly take the pills from his hands and swallow them without water. I’m just annoyed. I don’t know why, I just don’t know. I hope no one will be angry with me for the way I’m behaving right now.

            “Sleep well” Kyu pats my head before leaving but I give no response.

            As he closes the door behind him, I turn around to face the wall. My mind is empty right now just like this white wall in front of me. I feel like I‘m isolated from something; it maybe from happiness or maybe from Jung Min. I want him right here, right now.

            I want to fight with him. I want . Pull a prank on him and laugh my out at him. I want lock his neck under my arm and hurt him. I want him to quarrel with me. I want tell him that I really, really hate him and that I want to go to the other side of the world and live far away from him. I don’t want to breathe the same air as him. I want to fight with him. I want to fight!

            But where are you?