“Let’s buy some beef first”. Hyun Joong hyung drags me to the meat section.

      “Always greedy for meat huh?” I ask mockingly.

      He makes a ‘tsk’ sound and look for a good portion. I pick up two steak portions and hold them out at hyung.

      “Too small” He shakes his head and goes back to searching for beef.

      “What? Small? Haven’t you eaten in a century or what?” I put down the steaks, annoyed.

      “These will do” He stuffs the basket with three large steaks and gives me a satisfied smile.

      I pout at him because he didn’t choose the ones I had interest in. Anyway, it doesn’t matter.

      “What else do you need?” Hyung asks rocking the basket back and forth.

      “Let’s buy some beans, potatoes... oh and tofu too. I haven’t eaten them in a while. And I want kimchi if we can find them here. Maybe some radish too” I blurt out my list like an elementary kid does to his father.

      “Anything else?” Hyung asks carrying a smile on his face.

      I smile back and shake my head.

      “What have you guys been eating through this time?” 

      “Ahjumma makes different stuff. But most of the time we either eat out or don’t eat. I go with Jung Min to his therapy sessions and sometimes we come home late. One day omma came and made us some proper rice to eat. And then certain things happen and we don’t eat at all” I sigh.

      “Things?” Hyung repeats my words.

      I look down at my arm which is being supported by a bandage. I think hyung got his answer. He says nothing and walks with me to the other sections of the mart. We grab the ingredients we want for the side dishes and search for an empty cashier counter. But all are full so we decide to wait in line for a less crowded one.

      “Does Jung Min have a therapy session tomorrow?” Hyung asks.

      “I don’t really know” I say turning at him.

      “If he does, can I go with him to it? So that you can rest”

      I nod. But it wasn’t a real nod. I want to go too but I don’t think I have any other choice. And also only one guardian is allowed to go with the patient to the hospital.

      “Will he ever get better, Junah?” Hyung asks with a loud sigh and stares into the empty air.         

      I don’t find words to speak. What am I supposed to say? The doctor keeps telling me that he’s not improving at all. It’s only the belief inside me that keeps me going. It’s like hanging onto a rope after you take off from a cliff edge. If you let go of the rope, you die and you won’t be there to witness any of what’ll happen in the future.

      That’s exactly how this is. If I let go of this rope that means I’ll have to leave Jung Min behind and carry on with my life as usual. I’m not ready to do that. I’d never.

      “Can’t we take him to a better doctor? I mean in USA or somewhere?” Hyung asks again.

      “The current doctor is one of the best psychiatrists in Singapore” I reply back.

      “Then why the hell isn’t he better yet?”

      “It’s not the doctor’s fault. It depends on the patient hyung”

      “What do you mean?” He asks while putting down our grocery on the slider from the basket.

      “It depends on how much the patient try to take in you know? Even if the doctor advices throughout the whole day about it and if the patient doesn’t react... Do you think there’ll be any improvement?” I tilt my head to a side.

      Hyung rolls his eyes with an expression of broken hopes and turns around to pay.

      “If he’s not agreeing to anything, we have to force him. I mean c’mon! We can’t let him be like this forever. He has to get better!”

      “I know, I know. But his temper is no joke. You can’t really win” I say.

      “I can see that” Leader hyung laughs and picks up the grocery bags after paying.

      I sniff and follow him to the cab once again. I climb up first as usual and wait for hyung to come.

      “Four people can handle him right?” Hyung asks as he closes the door.

      “Ah? Ah... haha. Of course” I let out a relieved laugh.

      What hyung just said really did make me happy. I’m happy that it’s not only one person from now on. There’ll be four people. I won’t be alone and hopefully I wish Jung Min will let himself get better. I wish he’ll keep his promise and never try to do anything stupid ever again.

      There are so many things that I wish right now. Those wishes themselves make me scared because sometimes I feel like I’m in no position to wish at all. I could never make Jung Min get better after coming here.

      I haven’t really done anything for him.

      “What?” Hyung asks.

      I startle. “What?” I ask back.

      “You said something just now?”

      I shrug. I didn’t really notice that I was thinking out loud.

      “I don’t think you’ve done nothing for him” He continues to speak. “You came here even before any of us. Remember, you were the only one who strongly disagreed with the detective when he assumed that Jung Min has committed suicide”

      I say nothing back.

      “You got hit by him so much but you still didn’t leave his side, did you?”

      I slowly nod.

      Hyung places his hand on of my thighs. “You are a good friend Hyung Junah. Don’t ever let that change” He pats my thigh and I nod once again.

The cab brakes in front of the apartment building. I insist to pay for the cab ride and while Hyun Joong hyung struggles with the grocery bags I take a call to Kyu Jongah.

      “Come down. Hyung and I can’t really bring all these upstairs” I say staring down at my injured arm.

      “Ah, arasso” Kyubbi says and hangs up.

      While we wait down at the entrance I turn to Hyun Joong hyung.

      “Hyung... Jung Min has to go to the beach in the morning usually to get fresh air. Make sure you go with him and at least watch him from afar okay?” I request.

      “Why?” He asks back.

      “Just... I don’t want him to be alone” I say swallowing a few words.       

      I get the sudden urge to tell him all about what happened and how Jung Min tried to kill himself. But I can’t. I don’t want anyone else to know. That secret is something I have to keep for myself.

      “Yah, not like he’ll jump into the ocean and kill himself right?” Hyung asks jokingly.

      I make a ‘tsk’ sound and give him a ‘are-you-serious?’ expression.

      “Fine, fine. I’ll go.” Hyung pokes me on my arm playfully. “Jeez, can’t I even joke?”

      “Just make sure he’s within your sight” I say in an annoyed tone.

      “Alright! I’ll make sure he’s safe and sound”

      I open my mouth to say something again but I gulp it down as I see Kyu Jongah coming out of the building. He greets both of us with a warm smile, as usual.

      Leader hyung and Kyubbi takes the bags to the elevator and I just follow them from behind like a kid who’s proud of their parents. The thought covers my face with a grin.

      Once we are in front of his house, Jung Min opens the door for us. His face is covered with a smile; a real one. Words cannot describe my happiness. Every time I leave him alone I keep thinking something will happen. And then when I see him alive and happy, everything becomes okay for me. Honestly I was scared because Kyu Jongah left Young Saeng alone with Jung Min. None of them knows how to deal with Jung Min and what if something happens? What if both of them lose their temper? As much as I hate to doubt the members, but from time to time I keep getting this feeling that they’ll get scared and they might run away after seeing the real Jung Min. Even though I’m more than happy for them being here right now, there’s something bothering me too.

      Seeing my wounds and seeing the way he behaves when he’s angry are two different things. Members may have seen the outcomes but not how it happens. What if it scares them? Or what if the doctor convinces them to leave; including me?

      “Ah otteolkkoya?” I suddenly snap once I’m inside the house.

      “Ah?” Jung Minnie asks from behind.

      Why do I keep thinking out loud?

      “Ah, aniya. I was just wondering what we should cook” I lie.

      “Kyu Jonggie and Hyun Joong hyung will cook so we don’t have to worry” He grins at me.

      I nod and sit down on the sofa. I remember the day Jung Min smashed this whole place and how ahjumma and I struggled to calm him down. I wish a day like that would never come again. I deeply wish members won’t have to witness such a moment.

      “What’s wrong?” Jung Minnie playfully jumps onto the sofa next to me.

      “Nothing” I give him a smile.

      He takes up his legs onto the sofa and wraps his arms around them. I stare his bandages. “Don’t worry, I’m completely fine” He whispers.

      His expression is happy and not a single bit of anger is written on his face. I let out a relieved sigh and give him an assuring nod.

      “I’ll be fine. And I’m sorry”

      “For what?” I ask.

      “Just... Just know that I am” He says looking down at my arm.

      But before I could reply his phone starts ringing from somewhere.

      “Wait” He smiles and get off from the couch and disappears into his room.

      As soon as Jung Min leaves Young Saeng hyung comes and sits next to me.

      “He seems alright for now” He says.

      “Yeah, I guess so”

      “Hope it stays that way and that he gets better very soon”

      “Yeah” I mutter under my breath and make myself comfortable on the couch.

      I almost fall asleep but I try my best to stay awake. Even if it’s three people or four people or whatsoever, I still feel like I’m the only one who’d be able to handle it if something happens. I need to stay awake, I have to.

      “Air-beds are done” Hyun Joong hyung comes out of the visitors-room along with Kyu Jonggie.

      “Geurae” Young Saeng hyung replies.

      “Oh and Junah, you can sleep next to Jung Min. You are not well nah... I was just joking earlier” Hyun Joong hyung says with a mocking expression.

      I give him a proud smile and make room for him to sit on the couch.

      “What are we going to eat anyway? We bought a lot of things for side di-” My sentence gets cut off in the middle with the loud sound coming from Jung Min’s room.

      We all focus at it. It’s Jung Min’s voice; it’s loud.

      “Are you ing kidding with me?” He shouts from his room.

      I immediately get up. Kyu Jongah exchanges a glance with me. I hold up my hand asking them not to go in and I continue to listen to his conversation.

      “But they just got here!............. Are you crazy? What do you mean?............... No I’m not getting alone again. I hate to be alone............ No, I’m not and I won’t. Shut the up” He scolds at whoever he’s talking to.

                Kyu Jongah paces towards the room and I don’t make any effort to stop him.            

Will I regret that?