A shiver runs down my spine as I step outside the plane. I know it’s not like I stepped on the ground but it feels like I stepped into the unknown. I was completely sure of my decision when I came here but this moment, why do I feel like nothing’s going to be right again? Why do I feel like I don’t even know what I’m doing?

            “Hyung Junah…” Omma takes my hand.

            I realize that I’ve been standing in the middle of the hallway blocking everyone at my back. I quickly turn and bow a several times and put on my sunglasses. It feels weird as I walk forward because there are no teenage girls screaming and holding my name on boards at the airport. It’s a relief in one way though, I sigh.

            “Oppa!” I hear a girl screaming across the room.

            “Omo Kim Hyung Jun oppa!” I hear another girl behind my back.

            Great! This is the last thing I needed right now.

            They start giggling and gathering around me.        I see a few more girls crawling to my side from here and there. Omma sighs loudly. She knows I’m not in the mood for this. The girls are murmuring between themselves, sometimes giggling and laughing.

            “Oppa how are you?” I hear English behind me, but the voice breaks.

            I turn around to find a teenage girl sobbing and looking at me like she has seen something that she has longed to see throughout her whole life till now. She should be at least fifteen or sixteen.

            “Ah good, good” I whisper.

            “Oppa did you find Jung Min oppa?” She asks.

            I open my mouth to say something but close it again. I don’t know what to say.

            “SS501 is like my life oppa, please find Jung Min oppa. SS501 is incomplete without him”

            “Ye, ye. We are searching for him” I stutter.

            “Oppa I… I love you” She whispers and starts sobbing again.

            I give her a smile like I always do at the girls who say that to me.

            “Oppa, oppa” Some girl rushes to my side almost pushing the teenage girl and shoves her notebook at me with a pen.

            I smile at her and sign the autograph. God, I just want to get out of here.

            “Oppa this one too?” Another girl gives me her book.

            I can’t resist. It’ll be impolite if I did. I sign her one too and look around. I see more girls taking out their books and pens from their bags. I quickly grab my luggage and omma’s hands.

            “I like to stay, hajiman I have to go, sorry” My Korean slips from my mouth.

            “Oppa! Hyung Jun oppa” They start calling my name endlessly.

            “Annyeong” I wave at them over my shoulder and rush forward.

            I quickly grab a taxi parked in front of the airport and get in as fast as I can. I throw myself into the car and quickly close the door. But I dare to look at the airport door again as the driver starts the taxi.

            I see the girls who crawled around me just waiting there at the airport door staring at me. They look disappointed and sad. I start to feel awful inside. They stopped at the door; they really did, didn’t they? I see the girl who cried standing among them. She’s still wiping away her tears. I feel bad for her. She’s worried about Jung Min than my presence in front of her. If only they knew how much I’ve cried. I give them all a warm smile and wave at them. They wave back, some even jump with excitement. I remember the time when I wasn’t an idol and how I used to spazz over the celebrities I loved, just like they do now; something’s never change.

            “Genchana?” Omma asks rubbing my hand.

            “Ah mmm…” I murmur.

            “Hyung Junah, that was pretty rude back there what you did” She says.

            “What else can I do omma? I can’t ask them to move away. I can’t tell them that I can’t sign the autographs. All I can do is pretend that I’m in a hurry” I blabber.

            “I know baby but…”

            “It’s not that I don’t like them. It’s just right now I need my own space. No one will understand it other than me”       

            “You want space from me too?” She sighs.

            “Aigo aniya! I just want space from you know, people who would scream around me and would chant my name. It’s frustrating for me right now. I have no idea what I’m going to do if Jung Min wouldn’t meet me. I mean the last thing I want is to see a fan girl running around me with excitement. It’s frustrating” I say and take a deep breath.

            “It’ll be fine I promise” Omma kisses my hand.

            “Ah molla” I shake my head and stare outside the window.           

The cab brakes in front of the hotel. The tall pillars at the entrance reminds me of Jung Min. He used to be a pillar too; a pillar which would face anything that comes his way but today he has run away. He’s ashamed of himself, of what he has become. He doesn’t have the guts to tell us about this face to face. He’s so unbelievably weak now.

            “Hyung Junah what are you doing there?” Omma asks standing near the hotel door.

            I pull myself forward from the pillar I was leaning on to and go inside. The porter guides us to our room. It looks luxurious. But what catches my eye is the view from the huge window in front of us. I wonder what would be the scenery that a person at the rooftop would see. If only thirteen stories can give this, it should be wonderful up there.

            “Hyung Junah you want to freshen up first?” Omma asks.

            “Ani omma go and take a wash. I want to sit here for a while” I say and take a seat at the balcony.

            As I sit there the wind stings me making me tremble but despite the cold, for the first time I start to feel like everything’s going to be alright; like everything’s real. All this time I was regretting this decision because I don’t know what his reaction would be when I meet him. He might freak out and might never talk to me again or he might take it in a good way too. Some force pushes away all the negative thoughts I had on this decision. I’m starting to feel different, like nothing has ever felt right other than this in my life. Disobeying him and coming to see him here breaking his promise starts to feel like the best thing I’ve ever done, the most correct thing I’ve ever done.

            “Go and take a wash” Omma snaps next to me and I startle.

            “Arasso” I stand up and step into the room.

            I grab a towel from the luggage and push myself into the bathroom.

Omma hands me the note with the addresses. I stare outside the window again as the cab drives through the busy streets early in the morning. Its 10:00 a.m. Omma and I overslept mistakenly. We were weary and didn’t hear the alarms. I should have waked up earlier. The more time passes, the more nervous I get. Like I said before, I really want this to be over quickly. The more and more I wait, the more and more negative thoughts rush into my mind. The more negative possibilities take over me. I try to concentrate on the feeling I felt last night. Everything’s going to be fine; I chant over and over again in my head.

            “We are here I think” Omma says.

            The cab is parked in front of a tall residency building. Omma pays the driver as I get out of the car.

            “Finally” I say taking omma’s hand walking towards the main door.

            The inside of the building seems very calm. The walls are so white making the whole place shine with brightness. We walk towards the reception. If only I knew Mandarin well.

            The receptionist is writing something. I walk up to the desk and knock on it twice.

            “Ni hao” The receptionist greets us.

            “Ni hao, ni hao” I greet back and omma stays silent.

            “I’m Korean so I don’t know ni hao” I say making a complete idiot of myself.

            Did I just say I don’t know ni hao? drops open and she’s about to burst into laughter, I know. Oh god.

            “Wait please” Her English sounds good though.

            “How can I help you?” After a few seconds a middle aged woman shows up at the reception.

            “I’m looking for my friend” I say.

            “What is his name?” Her English pronunciation is really good, I should say.

            “Park Jung Min”

            “Do you have his address?” She asks.

            I hand her the note. As I read it upside down I realize that there’s no apartment number in the note. It just mentions this residency building and that’s all.

            “Well sir, this doesn’t have the apartment number. What’s his name again?”

            “Park Jung Min”

            “Wait sir” She says and goes through something in her computer.

            “Are you a trustable friend of his?” She asks.

            “Of course!” I snap.

            What’s this woman thinking?

            “His apartment number is 83. If you go to your left, there’s the elevator. Please go to the twentieth floor and the apartment will be in front of the elevator” She says.

            It takes me a moment to process everything but I think I got it. I take omma’s hands and walk towards the lift. As the door opens a woman greets me from inside.

            She mumbles something in mandarin to me and I get lost for a few seconds.

            “Floor twenty” I say curling my eyebrows.

            She nods in confusion but presses the right button.

            The elevator door opens and my stomach turns upside down as I see his apartment door. A plate on it says apartment number 83. Omma pulls me outside the elevator as I’m literally still. She stops in front of the door and raises her eyebrows at me.

            “You aren’t asking me to ring the door bell aren’t you?” I ask.

            “Then... should I do it for you?” Omma asks.

            “Andwae!” I push away her hand before it reaches the bell.

            “Ah Hyung Junah palli! We came this far. What are you waiting for?”

            “What if he gets angry and hit me?” I ask and my voice sounds like a whisper.

            “I’ll be here so don’t worry. Nothing will happen. Now ring the door bell” She says shaking my arm.

            “Are you sure? But shouldn’t we like wait a little bit more. I mean he might not be home right?” I come up with excuses to hide the nervousness inside me.

            “Ah Hyung Junah stop this and ring the door bell will you?”

            “Ah omma I’m scared”

            “Aigo Hyung Junah… step aside. Let me ring it” She says and stands in front of me.

            I try to stop her before she ring it but I wasn’t quick enough. She has already rung it twice. I don’t think I can handle this.

            “I think I want to go to the bathroom so…” I try to walk away but omma drags me to her.

            “Just try to be strong okay? At least in front of him?” She asks.

            “Mmm…” I nod with my eyes closed.

            The door handle starts to move making me jump two steps back. Omma pulls me to her again. My stomach turns upside down and my blood pools in my tummy. I feel like my veins are going to explode with pressure. My head feels so heavy that my neck can’t even hold it anymore. I try to wet my dried lips but I got no saliva inside. It’s all dry, and my heart is going to jump out of my mouth now. No, I feel like my whole body will jump out of my mouth. I squeeze omma’s hand hurting her and hurting me. My fingers feel numb and I try to take deep breathes. But in all of a sudden the sight in front of me as the door opens,  shuts all my nervousness away. It’s just an old lady with a broom wearing an apron.

            “Ah igae mwoya!” I snap at her face. “Ah michchigennae” I add.

            Wait a second… is she the ajhumma the note mentioned; the one that takes care of his house?

            “Why are you here?” She snaps.

            Oh ! She knows hangul.

            “Joesonghabnida…” I got nothing else to say.

            “You shouldn’t be here. What are you doing here? How did you find this place?”

            “I just wanted to see Jung Min” I whisper.

            “But didn’t he ask any of you not to come and search for him? You shouldn’t be here please go now before he comes home” She says again.

            “Where did he go? I want to see him please!” I say.

            “I’m sorry but my son is really upset right now. Can you please tell us where he is?” Omma asks.

            “I can’t! I’m sorry but I don’t have permission to tell anyone his information or whereabouts” She says.

            “But I’m like his brother! What’s wrong with telling me?” I snap in anger.

            “Hyung Junah…” Omma grabs my arm.   

            “I apologize to you behalf of him but can you please tell us? We’ve come this far to find him and it would be a waste if we had to go home without seeing him” Omma says.

            “Look” I say taking a deep breath calming myself down. “I didn’t come here to interrupt him alright? I came here because I missed him, because I wanted see him. Because, the last few months I spent without him was like a torture to me. I know it wasn’t a long time but it felt like a century to me. I went through hell and right now I have nothing but this hope that keeps me alive; the hope that I’ll see him again. I don’t know what might happen tomorrow. I don’t know because we can’t predict anything. What if I would never be able to get to see him? What if I die before that?”

            “Hyung Junah what are you talking about?” Omma cuts me off.

            I ignore her and continue.

            “He said he’ll return but what if I won’t be there when he returns? What if something happens and I will never be able to see him again? I’m here because I want to see him. Please tell me where he is. If he’s that much upset about me seeing him then let me just watch him from far. I didn’t come all this way for nothing. Please just tell me” I fall down on my knees as I finish.

            I stare at the floor with tears in my eyes. I feel a hand going through my hair.

            “I’ll tell you” She whispers and lifts me up.

            I wipe away my tears and omma takes my arm making me lean onto her.

            “He’s instructed to take walks at the beach in the morning so that he can clear his mind a bit. That’s why he ain’t home. He’s at the beach. You can find him if you go there”

            “The beach? Which beach?” I quickly ask.

            “Changi beach. It’s not very far from here. Take a cab there as soon as you can”

            “Kamsahmnida! Jeongmal kamsahmnida” I bow at her holding her hands.

            I instantly take omma’s hands and run towards the elevator.

            I grab a cab as quick as I can as we come down.

            “Changi beach” I shout as I get in.

            The driver almost startles. I don’t care! I’ve found Jung Min! I know where he is! Finally, I can see him. After all this time I’m finally going to see him with my own eyes. I thought this day might never come but here it is! Dreams come true, good dreams always come true.

            As the cab speeds through the highways I roll down the window and let the cold wind hit me. I feel fresh and new. The nervousness is nowhere to be found. I don’t feel pressured or scared. I can handle this! I will handle this! Jung Minah… you silly rascal, wait till I come!