It’s been nearly a month since he’s gone missing. They say no news is good news but right now I need some news! I need to know at least something about him. I want to know where he is, how he is, what he’s doing.

            I get lost inside my thoughts while wandering around the dorm for a while. After a few seconds I find myself inside his room. I don’t know how I even ended up in here. I sit on his bed and lie down. I sigh loudly and stare at the ceiling.

            I remember how members used to wake him up to torture him and how he nearly ripped out our hair. He even bites! Aigo Jung Minah, you’re a crazy horse!

            But where are you?

            As I sigh again I suddenly remember the leather bracelet I gave him last year for his birthday. He didn’t wear it at least a single time and it just lies inside his drawer every day.  I stand up and pace towards his cupboard. I just want to see whether it’s are still there or whether he has thrown it away. I open the cupboard and pull the drawer outside and place it on the bed. I sit next to it and go through all the stuff.

            He has sunglasses, rings, necklaces and many more accessories inside the drawer. I make a whole mess with the accessories to find the bracelet but it’s not here! Where they hell is it? Did he throw it away? Aish Jinja this kid! Wait…

            I notice something weird at the inner corner of the drawer. Like the base of the drawer is popped up. It looks like there are two bases for the drawer and that’s something impossible. The cupboard’s drawers don’t have two layers to it. I try to lift the base and it looks like a thin wood placed under the equipments above the base. What the heck is this?

            After a bit of a struggle I finally am able to lift up the wood properly and my fingers start to hurt. As soon as I lift it completely the sight makes me gasp.

            What is all this?

            There’s a hospital report inside a clear folder in the drawer and two envelops lie next to it. I take out the clear folder and pull out the report. The front cover has his name, date of birth, his home address and the dorm’s address as the alternative. I turn it over and the report starts with a filled in form. It has his name again, his contact details and some more information. As I continue reading the next section of the form nearly make me lose my breath. It starts as the ‘Disorder’.

            Under the name section it says Schizoid Personality Disorder. The heck?

            He had a PSYCHOLOGICAL DISORDER? But… My breathing stops for a second and my mind goes blank. Is that why he was so violent? So all those tablets were not just for stress relief but to fight against this mental problem? We all thought he was just having mood swings all this time when he was actually going through something like this? Wait… He hid this report in this drawer? That means he knew? I immediately check the top of the page to see the date. It’s dated before two months. That means he hid this from us for more than month? He never told us about it? He kept everything to himself? Aish Jinja! Jung Minah you pabo! You Jinja pabo! I hate you Jung Minah! You could’ve just told me! Ah wae???

            After a while as my mind calms down from the shock I decide to go through the rest of the report to get more information.

            The form’s fifth box is crossed which says ‘max’ under the section of the disorder status. I quickly read down the rest which talks about hospital information and turn over the page again. The rest of the pages have information about the disorder.

            The first thing I notice is the lack of interest in social relationships and cold personality. Bingo! That’s why he was rude. As I read through information I come across many things that perfectly match to his strange behaviour. Another section carries some more information. It says that the disorder causes loneliness and regression. Ah wae Jung Minah? Why didn’t you ever tell us about this? You must have been feeling very lonely when members ignored you because of your annoying behaviour. Even I started staying in distance with you at the last days, and regression? What did you do to regret Mal? You’re a perfect human being! Why is it like this?

            Unknowingly my tears drop onto the report. I quickly wipe them away to not to let the ink get destroyed. I turn over another page and find some psychiatrist session records. There are some questions printed and his answers for them. I read through each and every one and almost every answer makes me cry. He has kept on saying how much he hates himself and how much he regrets treating members like that. In some questions he have told how much he hate being with us, how much he hate communicating and then again he has told he hates himself more than he hates communication.

            All this time... all this time he has been fighting with this damn disorder and we never knew? Paboya! Why didn’t you tell us? Is this why you suddenly run away? I was right wasn’t I? You weren’t taken away by someone but you did this to yourself. All the time I kept on hating and cursing you for leaving you and all this time I was correct. You took this decision! You decided to run away. But why?

            Aren’t you ever going to come back? Jung Minah! Did you? Did you do something to yourself? Was that your target when you left? When I was right on one side I was wrong on the other? I fought with the damn detective when he told you might have… Why am I getting doubts now? Did you really do something? Was it too hard for you? Was it not bearable? You could have told me! I could have helped you! I could have stayed with you through everything and got you out of this. Why did you hide? Why? Why? Why?

            I start crying loudly as ever. I can’t hold this in anymore. He might have… NO! That can’t happen! Jung Min ain’t someone who would run away from problems. He’s not someone who would push away everything and just decide on something stupid like that. I know him too well. I know he must have taken the right decision. He must have done what was the best. I know him and I know he’s not an idiot. But where is he?

            I struggle inside my mind for a while to let myself agree on the fact that he would never do that but my wild thoughts keep on feeding me doubts. Did he really change, completely? Isn’t he the same Jung Min I knew? Did he take that stupid decision?

            I push away the drawer towards the wall and hug the hospital report to my chest as tightly as I can and curl on the bed. I struggle to breathe as I cry hard as much as I can. My feelings try to kill me saying he have done something to himself. My own mind tortures me. It keeps on repeating it to me with so many voices.   

            “Shut up!” I scream covering my ears with my hands.

            “Jebal, stop!” I scream again through my sobs.

            I keep on screaming and crying until Hyun Joong hyung barges into the room. 

            “Yah Hyung Junah! What’s wrong?” He shakes me.

            “Hyung Junah what is happening? Why are you screaming?” Kyu Jongah asks.

            “Hyung Junah stop! Why are you screaming? Calm down. Hyung Junah!” Young Saeng hyung pats both my cheeks.

            My mind just won’t stop! It keeps on saying that! The voices aren’t stopping.

            “Tell them to shut up hyung!” I shout.

            “Tell who? Hyung Junah what’s happening?” Hyun Joong hyung asks.

            “Hyung Junah tell us who? Who’s bothering you?” He adds.

            “They keep telling me he’s dead. Ask them to shut up!” I scream again.

            “Who’s dead? Who’s telling you what?” Hyun Joong hyung shakes me hard.

            The voices suddenly stop! Everything goes silent inside my mind. I slowly take off my hands from my ears. Except for members’ questions, I can’t hear anything else.

            “Hyung Junah” Young Saeng hyung rubs my forehead.

            “Hyung Junah, genchana?” Kyu Jonggie takes my hand.

            “What happened? Why did you scream like that?” Hyung Joong hyung asks.

            “Hyung…” I try to speak but my throat hurts from the screaming.

            “I’ll get you some water” Young Saeng hyung says and leaves.

            “What’s this?” Leader hyung takes the hospital report.

            I wait for him to read it. He curls his eyebrows at the first page and turns over. He gasps as he read the bottom of the second page.

            “Kyu Jongah” He holds the report both to their sides. “Young Saengah come palli!”

            “What is it?” Hyung comes and sits next to leader hyung giving me a glass of water.

            “I found it inside this drawer. It was actually hidden under this wood” I say.

            “What? What the hell? Personality disorder? Jung Min had a…” Leader stops.

            I take a sip from the glass and place it next to bed. Hyungdeul continue to read the report with widened eyes. I stare at the bed until I take a glance at the drawer again. The envelopes are still there. I take them out while they read the report and open the one which has my name in front of it.

            I gasp as I immediately notice Jung Minah’s handwriting.

Hyung Junah,

I wrote this letter especially for you. I know you must be going crazy right now. I hid these letters here because I didn’t want you to find them out. I know it’s stupid to write something for you and not let you find it. I wrote another letter for Hyungdeul. If you found this letter then give the other letter to Hyungdeul. I know you’re very worried right now. You must be crying. I know you, you cry for every little thing. Paboya.

I’m sorry for leaving like that. I know you are lonely now. You got no one to fool around with. You use me only for that too lol anyway… I’m really sorry! I didn’t want to do it either but I didn’t have another choice. I wanted to tell you but I thought you might get worried and would start to treat me different. I didn’t want that. I wanted you to treat me like normal so that I won’t always feel so different compared to you and Hyungdeul.

 I wanted to be normal too Hyung Junah but what can I do. I never thought my little, little mood swings were all leading to this. I’m sorry Hyung Junah please don’t try to find me. I’ll return on my own. YES I’LL RETURN YOU FOOL! Now don’t start jumping and clapping pabo because I can’t return right now. It’ll take a bit of time but I’ll come baby. I’ll come for SS501 again I promise. I need some time for myself. For me to get all these things settled down. If I come now I’d have to see members going through that same torture again and I hate that. I’m sorry baby but I’ll come. When everything’s done and finished I’ll come. It might take me only a few months or maybe years. Everything depends on how I react to the treatments. I hope you’ll understand. Please don’t panic now. I’ll be safe and sound. I’m in good hands. No I’m not lonely or depressed or sad or anything. I’m happy for the fact that I could gain up courage to agree for treatments so that I can return one day.

Fans must be really worried right? And all the promotions and album work, did they stop?  Hope you’ll continue to do them without me. When I return I want to listen to our new album. It’s okay that my voice is not there but I’m always a part SS501.

I’ll return okay pabo? Just wait okay, no panicking or running around searching for me. I left a copy of the hospital report for members to understand. It’s better than me explaining it through a letter. Hyungdeul’s letter has all the information about my problem. And even about some of the treatments I got for that. It has all the professional information while this has just my crazy thoughts~~keke~~

Now don’t kill me when I return okay? Of course I want play with you again. I want to hit you, punch you, shout at you and give you mean looks and evil smirks. You’ll wait for me right? I wrote this for you because I know you’re too worried and if I didn’t write this you must have gone crazy.

Now promise me you’ll get hold of yourself, eat well, sleep well, work well and show a better Hyung Jun to the public? Our baby JJun jjang nae! ^^ OTL keke~~

I’ll come okay? Gidaleyeo! arasso?

Save me some carrots!^^

Salameyo! ~~keke I know you love to say saranghae in that way so salameyo!~~

From

Trainer Hyung Jun’s crazy horse

Mal~~ ^^

            I hug the letter to my chest as I finish reading it. All this time this letter has been here and we never knew! I didn’t even bother to find anything he left behind. All this time I was just a fool to cry all day and not try searching for him. I… I don’t know what to do whether to listen to him or to start searching for him. I look up at Hyungdeul and they are reading their letter from Mal. I notice their tears, they are crying… I’m crying. Mal, eottokaji?