“What’s wrong with you? Drop that thing down!” I shout at him.

                He shakes his head and keeps staring at the mirror. His lips roll into his mouth like he’s preparing himself. I take a deep breath and slightly lift myself up.

                “If you are going, then you got to take me with you” I whisper the words.

                My tears start streaming and my lips tremble. He immediately looks up at me.

                “What do you mean?” His tone’s angry.

                I can barely speak. “You are my best friend Jung Minah. You can’t do this alone. Whatever we did for the past whole years, we did them together. We went through a lot; happiness, sadness, anger, damn everything! You can’t go alone. I won’t let you! I’ll never let you”

                “Jebal Junah… I’m not worthy of anything. Look what I did to you! Look at yourself Hyung Junah. You are hurt, everywhere. You can’t even manage to get up. It was me who did that to you; me!” He starts shouting, not with anger but with sadness.

As he’s drowned in his words staring down, I quietly manage a few more steps towards him.

“I was this close to kill you! Thank god ajhumma came. I would have done a terrible thing if I wasn’t paralyzed. You think I can live with that? Just let me go Junah just let me go!”

“No!” I stand up with the help of a table edge and shout at him.

      He immediately takes two steps back. I limp towards him and he shakes his head heavily, asking me not to come near himself. As I take a step forward he takes one backward. But finally his back hits the window and he stops, helplessly.

      “Please don’t do this” I calmly say; my tears still streaming down.

      He curls his eyebrows. His hands start trembling with his hard grab. I inhale deeply and calm myself. I can’t handle this situation with panic. I have to calm myself before I calm him down. I tightly close my eyes and ready myself for the situation.

      “Look, if you do this I’m going to pull that thing off from your stomach and stab myself too” I say.

      “What? Hyung Junah don’t talk nonsense! Are you mad? Just get away from me”

      “No…” I whisper.

      My shoulders start paining and it weakens me. I feel my heart beating fast. If only I could hold his hands, then I can prevent him. We still have a huge gap between us and I manage another two steps.

      “Hyung Junah if you come closer I-”

      I shoot myself at him with all the strength I have and grab his hands so tight not letting him move them. He struggles with me trying to stab himself but I keep blocking his hands. In a few seconds he gives up and falls down dragging me to kneel on the floor along with him.

      He starts sobbing loudly like a little child. I let out a big sigh.

      My whole body hurts; I can barely manage myself to even stay like this. I feel like something is eating my insides and my shoulders turn almost numb.

      I slowly slide my hands onto the mirror trying to take it out from his hands. But he’s holding it too tight that I can’t even move it.

                “Let me take this” I whisper in a gentle voice.

                “No, no” He panics.

                He starts struggling with me again. I’m too weak to battle against him but I give my best to calm him down. He keeps trying to push me away but I hold his hands so tight not letting him stab. His hand tries to dig in a countless times. Both our hands tremble with our forces. He gets up but I keep pulling him onto the floor since I can’t manage myself up.

                “Hyung Junah jebal” He shouts at me but I finally manage to bring him down.

                He’s weaker than me; I can feel it. He’s weak this sadness, depression and… regression.

                “Let me just take this thing out” I grab the mirror again and this time its edges cut into me.

                “Ah” I clench my teeth with the pain.

                Jung Minnie still struggles with me trying to get my hand off from him. I got no other choice now but to take the thing out of his hands in one way or another.

                “Stop this Jung Minah!” I shout at him.

                My body hurts and a painful thrill goes through me making me numb. But the thought of saving Jung Min gives me strength to battle against him. I tighten my grab at the mirror and it carves into me more and more.

                “Just… let me…” I speak through my teeth gathering more strength. “Get it out”

                “Leave it” He shouts back at me.

                “Jung Minah” I growl and finally slide the piece out of hands.

                “Aaaaah” He cries with the pain as the mirror cuts into his hand.

                I hold back my pain and throw the damn thing away into the other end of the room.

                “Give it back to me” He shouts and tries to get up.

                “Jung Minah stop this!” I pull him down from his arms.

                I clasp his face with my hands and try to keep him still. After a several seconds I finally manage to hold him in place. He grabs my wrists and tries to push me away but I manage to keep them. The blood streams from my cuts and it slips down my palms.

                “Look at me Jung Minah!” I shout at him.

                “Give it to me” He says through sobs.

                “Stop this, jebal” My voice barely comes out.

                “Let me die Hyung Junah… just let me-”

                “No!” I cut him off. “Look at me! I’m not going to let you die okay? No matter how many time you will ask me, I won’t! Stop this fight and just look at me for god sake!”

                He slowly lifts up his head. I lock my eyes with his; they are raspberry red.

                “Look at me and tell me; which part of me tells you that I’ll live if you die? If my best friend dies?” I ask him in a soft tone. “Does anything tell you that I’ll live after you die?”

                He stares deeply into me for a few while and then shake his head; slightly. My eyes start tearing again. I purse my lips to hold back my tears.

                “Then why are you doing this? Do you want to see me die?” I ask.

                “No! No! Never! No!” He shouts and panics grabbing my wrists harder; shaking them.

                I calm him down holding him tightly. He sobs loudly.

                “Then why?” I say lifting up his face.

                “I’m not worthy to be your friend anymore” He whispers.

                “That’s not true” I immediately shout.

                “Look at what I did to you! You are hurt Junnie, because of me. Is that what a best friend does? Is that how a best friend should behave?” He asks and continues to talk. “No, it’s not. I’m not worthy of your time or… or anything of you. Not even worthy to be a part of your or members’ lives. I’m useless Hyung Junah! I’m sick, I’m… I’m dangerous to be even near you. Only god knows when I might hurt you. I don’t want to hurt you”

                “You don’t hurt me” I breathe the words.

                “I do! I’m scared Junnie” He sobs into my hands.

                “Scared? Why?” I ask tilting my head to meet his eyes.

                “That I’ll… I’ll kill you someday. Just leave Junah. The doctor was right; staying with me is a huge risk. I’m forever thankful to you for staying with me but you cannot do this anymore. You have to leave!”

                “No, I won’t” I shake my head.

                “I wanted to kill you today for god sake! I wanted to see you dead. So before that happens again I’ll kill myself and let you live! I don’t care whatever happens to me but I don’t want anything happening to you”

                “I told you, I won’t survive if anything happens to you” I say staring into his eyes.

                “Eventually you’ll get sick of this Hyung Junah. Then one day you’ll leave and I won’t be able to bear that. So before anything happens, I’ll leave!”

                “I don’t want to lose. you. again” I pause through my words.

                “I’m scared Hyung Junah! Let me die, please!”

                “No! I won’t! I swear I won’t! I told you no matter how many times you will ask; I won’t!”

                “Why don’t you hate me? I nearly killed you today! Why don’t you hate me? Why huh?”    

                “I can’t hate you Jung Minah, I never can”

                “Why? Why?” He cries loudly holding onto my wrists.

                I take my bloody hand through his hair. I don’t even feel the pain anymore. “Because I believe that you’ll get better” I speak with clenched teeth trying to sound so determined.

                “Hyung Junah…” He lowers his head and continues to cry.

                “Promise me you’ll live through this, please?” I ask in a sad tone.

                He doesn’t respond. What should I do to convince him?

                “Jung Minah, please? Please, I’ll beg you” I ask again.

                My blood has made his hair damp. The pain starts hitting me slowly. I flinch as his hair rubs against my wounds.

                “What if I never get better?” He asks wiping away his tears.

                “What if you do?” I immediately ask back.

                He opens his mouth to say something but closes it again.

                “Everything has two sides; either you get better or you won’t. Why don’t we get more medication and therapy sessions and find out which side will win? Your sickness or my belief?” I add.

                He sighs loudly. “Sometimes your words feel like a fantasy to me”

                “There are no fantasies mal, things happen when you want them to happen. I want you to get better. I don’t care how long it will take but I just want it to happen. If this was a fantasy then I wouldn’t have believed in you so much”

                “You make everything sound so easy” He says with a disappointed expression.

                “Just promise me?” I ask for the third time.

                He takes a deep breath. “Why is it so hard for me to go on? I’m carrying too much guilt inside me. I regret everyday for what I have done to you. You are the first person I’ve hurt this much. Do you know how much it hurts for me to even accept the fact that I wanted to kill my best friend?”

                “It happens Jung Minah. You were just angry and I was wrong to argue with you. I should have just let you be, instead I talked back at you. It was my fault”

                “Your fault? Are you kidding me? You didn’t raise a single hand at me when I hit you like that. I-I hit you with a chair! What if your hand broke or something? What if something happened and you just… you just got paralyzed forever? You think I’ll live then?”

                “Nothing happened! Look at me. Yes I’m wounded but I’m fine!” I pull myself back and let him take a look at me. “I’m not paralyzed and I can manage to walk. I struggled with you just now didn’t I? Doesn’t it tell you that I’m fine?”

                “But I might have done something terrible” His voice breaks with sadness.

                “But you didn’t. And that’s the point; you didn’t. What’s past is past. Forget it and let’s move on”

                “Move on from the fact that I wanted to kill you?” He asks in a furious tone.

                “Will you stop? What’s wrong with you? If I’m okay with this then why aren’t you?”

                “It ain’t easy as you say” He sighs.

                “Do me a favour? Promise me you won’t try to do something silly like this again? Bring back that strong mal and replace this vulnerable, weak one. Bring him back will you?”

                “It won’t be easy” He shakes his head.

                “That’s why I’m here! You have my support! If I wanted to leave I would have done that a long time ago. But I didn’t. And I’m still here so let’s work this out!” My tone’s pushing.

                “I’m sick of this”

                “I know mal, but let’s try” I say lifting his face to meet my eyes.

                He stares into me without blinking for a while and then nods letting out a huge breath.

“That’s our Jung Min!” I grin and he gives me a slight smile.

                “Is your blood all over my hair now?” He asks.

                I nod keeping my grin as it is feeling guilty.

                “Your hand got cut right, because of me? Let’s put some medicine into it” He adds.

                “Genchana…” I say making a ‘tsk’ sound.

                “Mweo genchana? Come here” He stands up and bends to lift me.

                I hold onto him as the pain kills me again at my shoulders and my knees. He slides my hand over his shoulders and takes me to the bed. His hands are wounded too, not only mine; the blood leaves marks on my arms.

                “You are hurt too” I say as he helps me to sit down.

                “I know… let me grab the first aid kit from the kitchen” He says after finally settling me down.

                Kitchen reminds me of ajhumma. I decide to ask.

                “Where’s ajhumma?” My tone’s being careful as I’m not sure whether he’s still annoyed at her.

                “I sent her home earlier” He says pacing towards the door.

                “Wae?”

                “Because I was trying to kill myself! Hello!” He says lifting both his hands up in the air.

                “Of course you planned it” I shake my head with disappointment.

                “Let me bring the kit now” He says and leaves the room.

                “Yah Jung Minah!” I shout behind him and he bends backward through the door post.

                “Mweo?” He asks; in a gentle voice.

                “Make sure you come back” I say in a doubtful tone.

                He says nothing but smiles. And then he disappears, leaving me in an unsure feeling.