The morning seems quiet and calm as we drive to DSP. Company called us early in the morning to discuss the current situation. It has been nearly three or four days since the police has contacted us though we contact them every five minutes. I slowly slide the shutter open to feel the chilly wind of the fall. I feel goose bumps on my hands.

            It’s cold.

            “Hyung Junah, close the shutter. It’s cold” Kyu Jongah says from far behind.

            “Ah ye” I immediately close it.

            I don’t want to be burden to the members. It’s glued on my mind after the moment I fainted. I want to help them in every way I can. I don’t want them to feel uncomfortable from the things I do. I’m minding my behaviour these days like never before. I wonder if anyone has noticed it, maybe not.

            “The meeting is with the CEO and the main board.
            “Keep in mind to run to the company as soon as I park the car in front of it. We have to avoid all the media” Manager hyung says.

            “Didn’t the CEO already talked with the media about this?” Saengie asks.

            “He did but only once. You know how hungry this media is. One word from us can turn into a disaster. You know the drill”

            “What about the antis?”

            “Most of them are saying the company might have done something to him”

            “He thinks we are hiding him?” Leader snaps.

            “Yes for publicity”

            “Are they serious?”

            “Why would someone think we’ll hide our own member for publicity?” Kyu asks.

            “If we want publicity then we can release a song why would we do something stupid like that. My god these antis!” Leader sounds very annoyed.

            I stay silent throughout their whole conversation. I have things to say but I just don’t want to. I don’t want to talk. I don’t want them to talk either. I want them to just stay silent until we get there. I just feel really, really annoyed.

            “Hyung Junah, you feel better now? No dizziness or weary right?” Manager hyung asks.

            “Ani hyung, gwenchana”

            “If you’re feeling sick or anything tell me immediately okay?”

            “Arasso hyung” My voice’s almost a whisper.

“We are here kids” Manager hyung suddenly snaps and I startle out of my half asleep world.

            “See the media? Hyung Joongah unlock the doors. Don’t go out till I say” He adds.

            “De hyung” Leader says unlocking them.

            “Straight to the doors okay? On 3!”

            “De” We all say.

            “1…2…3 NOW!” Manager hyung shouts.

            We immediately get off the van and run to the company doors like bullets without looking back. It reminds me of our fan meetings. How we would run to the venue among the fan rush. Sometimes a member would get crushed by fans.

            “They are crazy, oh my god” Leader says.

            “I thought I’d die” Young Saeng hyung adds.

            “Shall we wait for manager hyung?” I ask.

            “Let’s go in. The security isn’t strong enough, the media might break in if we stand here” Leader says and we all follow him in.

            As soon as we reach the meeting room, manager hyung comes from the other side. He’s panting. Did he get caught?

            “Ah hyung! What happened?” Kyu asks.

            “I thought there won’t be any media at the back door. So I parked the van there and tried to sneak in but holy they jumped on me”

            “Didn’t you see them before?”

            “They were hiding”

            “Jinja?” Leader asks and rolls his eyes.

            “Go in” Manager hyung says and we step into the meeting room.

            The CEO and the main board are already there. We all give a polite bow to all of them and sit quietly on the empty seats. My mouth is dry from all the incidents; the fever, fainting and that media. I just want to run away and hide.

            “How’s the situation now? Any clue about him?” A person from the main board asks.

            “Not yet” Manager hyung replies.

            “Media gathers everyday in front of the building. It’s becoming a habit to them”

            “So annoying right? Seeing fans gathering there was way better”

            “I called the police today and they said they are going to re-check his house once again” CEO says.

            “What about the dorm then? He was staying there for the past months” Leader asks.

            “They didn’t tell me anything about the dorm yet. And yes, I told them about that too but they weren’t interested specially the detective. He said Jung Min won’t leave anything behind at the dorm if he was ever to leave”

            “He got such an annoying confidence” I snap.

            “Yah” Leader whispers to me a in a furious tone.

            “Joesonghabnida” I mumble.

            “Your album release was so close and suddenly this happened. I don’t know what to do. Nothing can be helped until we find him” CEO says again.

            “The detective is taking statements from the kids these days as you know so maybe the he can come into some conclusion as he told very soon and find him” Manager hyung says.

            “Jung Min better have a good excuse when he return or else-”

            “He wouldn’t do jokes like this” I cut off a person from the main board.

            His expression turns stiff but I don’t care. What does he mean by a good excuse? Does he think that Jung Min would pull a prank like this for weeks? I admit it that he’s playful but heck he ain’t stupid! He knows the rules.

            “Yeoboseyo” CEO answers his phone suddenly.

            “Any good news?” He asks.

            My stomach starts turning upside down because CEO’s expression isn’t much good. I wonder whether something has happened to Jung Minah or maybe CEO is just taking some work call. I don’t know.

            “Ye ye, I’ll send them right now” He hangs up.

            “Who was it?” Our manager asks.

            “Detective YuhJoon. He asked all of you to come to Jung Min’s house right now. He said it’s important and you should see it. I think they have found something at his house”

            WHAT? Seriously? At last!

            “Have they? Let’s go kids, palli!” Manager hyung rushes us.

            The media suddenly hit my mind. How are we going to get into the van? They must obviously be there near the van at the back door. Aish!

            “What about the media?” I snap.

            “Get in somehow. I’ll call the securities. Go wait at the back door. I’ll come with them. Don’t even think of opening the door okay? Remember! Stay still” Manager hyung orders us and disappear into a hallway.

            “What might have they found? Something bad?” Kyu Jongah asks.

            A shiver runs through my mind. I was actually relieved thinking they have found something but my god I didn’t think what it would be! Ah jeongmal!

            “Will it be a letter? It’s good if it is, then at least we can know where he is” Saengie says.

            My hands start to tremble as we walk forward. I wonder whether it is the same for the other members. I wonder whether they are just as nervous as I am. They say ‘no news is good news’. Right now, it’s totally true! Yes of course I want to find Jung Min but things like this, sudden news like this really bugs me. I try to concentrate on what members are talking but all I can hear are unrecognizable mumbles. Are they whispering or is it me?

            “Hyung Junah, genchana?” Kyu Jongah suddenly grabs my arm.

            I startle with it and start sweating.

            “What happened? Are you sick again?” He places his palm on my forehead.

            I look around only to realize that I’m standing on the same position I’ve been five minutes ago. I see leader hyung and Young Saeng hyung walking towards me from afar. Did I just stop walking? Was I still all this time?

            “He’s sick again hyung” Kyu Jongah’s tone’s very worried.

            “Aniya hyung. Gwenchana” I lie.

            I feel the sickness inside me. It feels like I’m living inside a refrigerator. It’s really cold up to the point that I’m shivering from it. My teeth start chattering and I force myself to stop it but it doesn’t. I don’t want members to panic.

            “What are we going to do?” Kyu asks.

            “Let’s wait until manager hyung comes and let’s ask him. But however we have to get into the van first” Hyun Joong hyung reply back.

            “Can you walk?” Kyubbi asks and I nod.

            I think I can. Kyu holds my arm and I lean onto him. As I always do.

            “Let’s wait here” Young Saeng hyung says as we reach the back door.

            We stay away from the windows and hide next to a pillar to avoid the media. Ah this is tiring. Where manager hyung?

            After a while manager hyung comes along with five security guards. I see more of them keeping the media away from the van outside. Two guards are standing next to the van with doors open. Run again?

            “Okay kids get ready to run again” Manager hyung says.

            “Can you?” Kyubbi asks from me.

            “Ye ye” I lie, again.

            I don’t think I can run but I have to. I don’t want to get crushed by the media either. My body starts to get warmer; maybe the fever is going down.

            “On 3 okay?” Hyung says again.

            “Ye” All reply except me.

            I just don’t have the strength.

            “1…2…3, Now Go!” Manager hyung shouts.

            Two guards slam open the back door and we run towards the van. Kyu Jongah is holding my hand tightly. As soon as we get close to the van leader hyung suddenly lifts me up and throw me inside. I perfectly land on the seat next to the one near the door. I wonder how he did that. Members rush into the van in milliseconds and manager hyung starts the van. The guards are doing their best to stop the media and as I stare at the wild crowd the van set off almost drifting as it takes the turn for the gate.

            I feel nausea as we drive forward. I bend my seat a little and rest. Someone’s hand starts to rub my forehead as soon as I lean to the seat. I recognize the hand’s Kyu Jong’s from the silver ring. I wish I had some sleeping tablets right now.

            “Hyung, Hyung Junah is sick again” Leader informs manager.

            “Shall we drop him at the dorm then?” He asks.

            “NO!” I shout.

            I don’t want to stay at the dorm while members are going to Jung Min’s house! I want to find out what the pain-in-the- detective found.

            “But you’re sick” He says again.     

            “But I want to go to Jung Minnie’s house”

            “Can you manage?”

            “Of course I can”

            “He’ll be alright” Kyubbi says from behind.

            ThanKyu.

There are two police vehicles parked in front of Jung Min’s house. As the van brake behind a car, my hands start to tremble again. I idly wonder whether I really am ready for this. Do I really want to see it or I don’t want to at all?

            “Let’s go” Manager hyung says as we get off the van.

            Kyu is still holding my hand. Maybe he’s scared that I might collapse again.

            “You came really fast” The time-bomb detective says standing beside the main door.

            “Come with me” He takes us to the living room.   

            I look around to find something different than the last time but no, everything is the same. It’s all same like the last time we came here. My head starts to spin as we walk.

            “We found this in a coat pocket” The detective hands our manager a plastic bag.

            As soon as manager hyung takes the bag, he gasps.

            “What is it hyung?” We all ask.

            “Look at this” He hold out a photo taken from inside the bag.

             It’s put into another small bag and sealed tightly. I immediately recognize it. It’s a photo we took last summer when we were having a drink at home. My mouth drops open as I see the shocking sight. Jung Min’s face is torn away.

            “What the-” Leader snaps.

            My legs start to feel numb. He’s at the right corner on the photo and his face is the only thing that’s torn away. I immediately take the photo from manager hyung’s hands and turn it over. There’s a quote;

            “Late is better than never” My breathing stops.

            Jesus Christ what does this mean? Has he done something to himself? But why? He was alright the whole autumn… or maybe he wasn’t. But he didn’t have any reason to do something like that!

            Jung Min did you? No, no. I don’t believe that! I just don’t. Someone else might have done this. An anti or an enemy I don’t know who.

            “Someone might have done this to hurt him” I snap.

            “I’m afraid but there were only Jung Min-ssi’s fingerprints we found on the picture” Detective says.

            “What on earth-. Why would he do something like this?” Young Saeng hyung shouts.

            “What might have happened?” Manager hyung asks from YuhJoon-ssi.

            “I’m afraid we don’t know that. All we found as a clue up to now is this. We are searching for more but there is a small conclusion we can come to from this.” He says.

            “What’s that?” I ask.

            “He might have… you know things like this are done by the victim when they are depressed. And that leads the victim to suic-”

            “Don’t you dare say that?” I jump at him and grab his shirt collar, choking him.

            “Hyung Jun-ssi…”

            “What Hyung Jun-ssi? Don’t you dare say something like that? He would never do that”

            “How would you know?” He asks back.

            “Because I know him you motherfu-” Someone pulls me back before I finish.

            “What the hell is wrong with you?” Leader shouts at me.

            “What’s wrong with me? Ask what’s wrong with ‘him’?”

            “Calm down okay?” Kyu Jongah grabs my arm.

            His grasp feels comforting and unknowingly I calm down. I don’t know what just happened to me. I was almost unable to walk a few minutes ago and now I just… Jinja!

            “I’m sorry for that” Manager hyung apologizes.

            Why is he apologizing for my mistake? I should drop down my guard.

            “Joesonghabnida” I bow down more than ninety degrees and my legs start to feel numb and I suddenly fall down.

            “Hyung Junah!” Leader lifts me up and places my head on his lap.

            “Genchana?” He asks and I slowly nod.

            I can’t feel my body anymore and it’s freezing cold. Maybe I got too much adrenaline from the incident. I feel nausea and stressed.

            “We’ll talk with the detective about this you two stay there okay?” Manager hyung says and disappear outside with YuhJoon.

            Hyun Joong hyung slowly lifts me up and sits me in between his legs. I lean my back to his chest and rest on his shoulder. He keeps rubbing my head and it start to feel less cold.

            “Mianhe hyung” I whisper.

            “For what?”

            “That was too much I know”

            “Paboya. Even I was angry as hell. I could have killed him at the spot but you know it is inappropriate right? We really are in no position to do those things.”

            “I was so angry when he said that” I whisper again.

            “Me too. He seriously shouldn’t have said that”

            “I’m cold hyung” My voice tremble as I talk.

            “I know baby, let’s wait until manager hyung comes”

After a while I feel someone trying to lift me up. I slowly open my eyes. I feel nausea again. I’m no longer sitting down but leaning on to Kyu Jongah. He holds me from my waist and takes me to the van. I feel dizzy.

            “I hope we are still on good terms Hyung Jun-ssi?” The detective asks from somewhere.

            “Ah ye, ye, joesonghabnida” I reply back without even trying to find his face.

            Kyubbi helps me to get into the van and I lie down resting my head on his lap at the last row. He rubs my head gently as the van take off to the dorm.

            I close my eyes to sleep a bit more as members discuss what we are going to do next. I barely hear them talking and sometimes they mention my name. I wonder whether they are talking about me or to me.

            “Let’s go to the doctor before going to the dorm okay baby?” Kyubbi wakes me up.

            I nod and close my eyes again. It feels like I’m drunk. I just can’t lift my head; it keeps falling down without any force. I hug Kyu’s leg tightly and concentrate on my breathing so that I can fall asleep despite the conversations.

            I suddenly hear his voice! Yes his, Jung Min’s. I try to open my eyes but I can’t. He’s kneeling down in front of me right now; his everlasting smile covering his face. He seems… real. I try to lift my hand to touch him. But it’s numb, my whole body is numb.

 I force my hand as much as I can but as soon my hand gets close to him he disappears. He just fades away into the air. I try to catch him but something takes my hands and places it back on the seat holding it tightly. I quickly step into the reality. Was it a dream? Or was he really there? This must be Kyubbi’s hands: maybe I really did move my hand in my dream. I try to open my mouth to call his name. But my lips are glued and I cannot control them.

            Just like how I cannot control his actions. Neither I would have stopped him then.