“Hyung Junah…” I slightly hear someone calling my name.

      My eyes are glued and I struggle for a moment to open them. I shake my head to wipe off the dizziness. God I’m so sleepy.

     “Junnie wake up” I hear Jung Min whispering.

     “Oh…” I finally open my eyes.

     “Why are we here?” He asks.

     “Here? Where?” I ask back.

     “Here, on the floor”

     “Ah… you fainted” My voice breaks.

     What else can I say?

     “I don’t remember. Wait… I fainted and you slept? You’re supposed to put me on a bed. Didn’t you come here as the care-taker?” He teases.

     “Ah jinja… Not a single day goes by without you annoying me” I snap with a smile.

     He smiles back.

     “Ah you both are awake?” Ajhumma comes in.

     “Yeah, what’s the time?” I ask.

     “Almost morning. You need anything to eat or drink?”

     “I’m ok, you want anything?” I ask Jung Min.

     He shakes his head.

     “Go and sleep now, both of you. Oh and Hyung Jun-ssi your omma called, the phone rang a lot of times so I had to pick it up, I hope it’s okay”

     “Ah aniya, it’s totally fine” I say.

     “Go and call her now” Jung Min says trying to get up.

     Before I even blink he falls onto me again.

     “Jung Minah!” I scream with fear.

     “Did it hurt?” He suddenly asks.

     “Aniya pabo, you’re so weak! Let me help you” I hug him from behind and pull him up.

     “Mmm…” He leans onto me and stands up.

     “I’ll put him to bed then” Ajhumma says.

     “No, no I’ll take him” I say keeping my arms as they are.

     Jung Min grins at me.

     “Ah my leg hurts” Jung Minah says as I take him to the bedroom.

     “Ah wae?” I ask as he limps.

     Maybe he hurt it when he kicked the TV. I don’t want to remind him anything if he has forgotten it all. I carefully look around to catch anything that would make him remember, at least a piece of something he smashed. But ajhumma has cleaned up everything perfectly.      

     “Ah” My wounded hand starts to hurt as I hold Jung Min tightly not letting him fall down.

     “Wae?” He asks.

     “Aniya, it’s nothing” I quickly snap.

     I endure the pain till I put him to bed.

     “Give me that glass of water” He asks as he’s lying down.

     I hand it to him and turn around to leave but…

     “Hyung Junah… did I hurt you?” He suddenly asks.

     I become still but I don’t turn to his side. He remembers?

     “Hyung Junah…” He calls me again.

     Maybe he remembers getting angry or something. Well after all he didn’t hurt me physically, although nearly killed me mentally.

     “Oi what’s wrong with your hand?” He asks again.

     “Ah it’s nothing, just a scratch” I turn around at him hiding my hand behind.

     “Dude its bandaged! Normal people don’t bandage little scratches” He shouts.

     He ain’t going to leave this.

     “You didn’t have this when we came here! Did I hurt you? Oh my god! Did I? Oh I’m such a ing aren’t I? God I’m so sorry!” He gets up from the bed and squeezes his hair again.

     “Yah! You didn’t hurt me! I swear you didn’t!” I shout back.

     “Then how did this happen huh? Not like you go around bandaging your hands! What did I do? What happened? Tell me!” His voice echoes through the house.

     I quickly run to him and make him sit down on the bed in a speed of a bullet.

     “Calm down first!” I shout at his face.

     He startles and becomes still. I sigh. I don’t have any other choice. He stares at me with his eyebrows raised up. I kneel down in front of him.

     “You didn’t hurt me okay? You. did. not. hurt. me” I pause through every word letting him process it carefully.

     He blinks a thousand times to stop his tears and in the end he nods at me. I give him a slight smile and a tear falls down from his eye.

     “I just hit my hand at something and it scratched, that’s it. Nothing major okay? You didn’t hurt me nor did anything wrong at all” I say wiping off his tear with my thumb.

     “Then what did I do?” He asks.

     “Nothing, you did nothing. You were perfectly fine” I lie.

     “Don’t lie Junnie, I know when you lie” He looks down.

     “No I’m telling the truth. You didn’t do anything”

     “Then why did I faint huh? I remember that I got so angry and asked you to leave. I even cursed at you didn’t I? After that? After that what happened? Did I do anything else? Why don’t I remember anything? How did I faint? Why? Ah jinja michchigennae!” He covers his face.

     “Jung Minah calm down” I whisper.

     He sighs loudly. After a while he lifts his head and blinks at me signalling me that he has calmed down.

     “Just tell me what did I do?” His tone sound like he’s begging me.

     “Just know that you didn’t do anything wrong. You were just angry and then fainted suddenly. So I jumped to catch you and then I was waiting for you to wake up but I think I fell asleep in the middle. That’s it and no more questions okay?” I smile at him again.

     He curls his eyebrows like he’s trying to remember something. He looks around the room and suddenly looks at me.

     “I remember smashing the ornaments!” He snaps.

     Oh !

     “Okay, it was just some ornaments not a big deal nah” I try to fade it away.

     “They aren’t even mine! God how am I going to pay for them? Let me go and check what else I have destroyed” He suddenly stands up.

     “Dude sit down!” I push him onto the bed.

     “Wae?” He shouts.

     “God calm down you lion! It’s all fine okay? The doctor will understand, not like she’s going to sue you for that and after all you’re her patient! She understands your situation and she won’t get angry though it’s her money”

     “Okay… okay” He whispers.

     “I broke the 360 didn’t I?” He asks.

     “Aniyo just the joysticks” I reply back with a grin.

     “Jinja!” He growls.

     “Don’t worry. Let’s buy new ones so no one will ever know!” I continue my grin.

     “Did I curse in front of ajhumma?” His tone’s apologetic.

     “Sort of, I don’t think she minded that though. She was more concentrating on the injection” The words slips from my mouth and I immediately gasp.

     “You had to inject me?” He asks narrowing his eyes like he’s annoyed with his own self.

     “No I mean-”

     “And you didn’t even tell me?” He cuts me off.

     “Well I just-”

     “You said it was nothing major! You don’t have to inject me till I go insane you rascal! Why do you lie so much?” He shouts at me cutting me off again.

     “I didn’t mean to” I whisper.

     Please don’t get angry again; I chant inside my mind.

     “I just thought I fainted because I was too angry. I didn’t know you guys had to inject me for god sake! That’s the maximum point! Oh my god I can’t believe this!” He blabbers.

     “It’s all over now” I whisper again.

     “Stop with the lies now! Tell me what did I do? Did I hurt you? Hit you? ing tell me will you? I don’t remember anything!” He shouts again.

     “You didn’t hurt me I swear!” I shout back, right at his face.

     He becomes still for a while.

     “Arasso… did I hurt ajhumma?”

     “Nope, you didn’t hurt anyone except the ornaments” I say with a slight smile.

     He nods at me and looks down.

     “Jung Minah would you stop being so up-”

     “I hit you with a lamp didn’t I?” He suddenly lifts up his head cutting off my words.

     Ah jinja! What am I going to say now? Not like I can say it didn’t happen. He remembers now!

     “It was just a mistake c’mon!” I rub his hand.

     “No! It isn’t a mistake. I wanted to hit you and I did. You bent didn’t you? I remember it crystal clearly. It wasn’t a mistake. You asked me so many times not to hit you and I just…” His eyes tear up again.

     I deeply look into his raspberry red eyes and sigh. What else can I do?

     “It’s fine let’s forget it now” I say.

     “I might have hurt you though” He says turning my head to left and right checking for wounds.

     “You didn’t hurt me, god will you stop saying that?” I shout at him.

     “Remove the bandage. I want to see what happened” He says taking my hand.

     “It was just…”

     “Remove it! Palli!”

     “It’s just when you fell, you were going to hit the TV stand edge so I caught it. But your head hit on my hand and since the edge is kind of sharp, it just cut my hand a little. That’s all, no need for you to investigate it” I take my hand and hide it behind myself.

     “Promise?” He asks.

     “Promise. I’ll show you the wound when I’m putting medicine again so you can see it then! So stop asking me whether you hurt me because you didn’t”

     He sighs again.

     “When will this stop Junnie?” He whispers after a while and his tone is so low.

     Do I have an answer for that?

     “Molla…” I whisper and my voice barely comes out.

     “I’m sick of this!” He hides his face in his hands.

     “Jung Minah…” I become silent because I don’t have anything to say.

     I don’t know how long this takes, and I can’t even share his pain. It’s all inside him. I thought I was the one who’s frustrated and I didn’t even think about how he must be feeling about this. I should be more careful with my actions now on without thinking it’s a burden. If I do anything wrong it’ll only hurt Jung Minnie not myself. He’ll regret it and won’t forgive himself and I don’t want that. I have to be really careful with everything.

     “Why aren’t you talking?” He asks.

     “Ah… I just got lost, mianhe” I say.

     “No I should be the one who’s apologizing. I even tried to hit you. I’m so sorry Hyung Junah! I’m really very sorry” He says looking down again.

     “Aigo genchana” I rub his hands.

     “Were you scared?”

     “A little bit; especially when ajhumma asked me to inject you. God I was so scared that I thought it might even kill you because I have never injected a person before”

     “You were the one who did that? I don’t really remember it clearly. I remember the pain but… god you just poked the damn thing right in my neck eh? No bending it or angling it or anything? What if it hit a bone?” His tone sounds a bit teasing.

     “Ah molla! I was scared and I just did what I could. I didn’t have any time to plan anything, you were like a wild animal; a wild horse” I back.

     “Don’t tell the members. I don’t want anyone to sympathy me, not even you”

     “I don’t sympathy you” I whisper.

     “But you look like you do. I mean the way you look at me like I’m some crazy mental patient who might freak out any moment, that’s sympathy”

     “Jung Minah… I look at you like my friend whom I have to look after, not like you’re some mental patient. You’ll never be a patient for me. You’re a strong pillar and the driving force of our band. You’re not a patient”    

     “But I am! Right now I am a mental patient. I have some idiotic psychiatric going in my mind and I don’t even know when it will end. Though I always say that I’m used it, it’s so tiring Junnie. It has become so tiring. I just want all these to end or just to return to those early days when I just had mood swings nothing else. Why is my life like this? Why did my fate turn out to be something that’s beyond explainable?” He sighs heavily.

     “Yah, stop worrying so much. Are you hungry?” I try to change the topic.

     If I keep on talking about it and feed him more emotions, he’s going to cry I know. His eyes are red like blood and he’s literally sobbing inside. This is so tiring for him too. But what can I do? I don’t know a way to make this go away. If I did, I would have done that the day this all started.

     “What was the first thing that came into your mind when I didn’t show up for recording that day?” He suddenly asks ignoring my question completely.

     Should I answer? Maybe I should change the topic again, or maybe he will get angry if I do so. God I don’t have a choice!

     “Got a little nervous but didn’t think much about it” I answer.

     “When did you guys started searching?”

     “In the afternoon; we waited for a while and called your phone but you didn’t answer. We didn’t even notice anything when you suddenly asked us to go first to the recording because we had time. I thought maybe you were sleepy or tired or something, not this”

     “Yes, this! I hate this!” He snaps.

     So that’s what he was trying to say when he was angry; that he hates this. I thought he was referring to our fight but he was referring to everything, everything that’s happening to him. I wish I could take you out of it Jung Minah… I really wish.

     Why am I so helpless?

________________________________________________________________________________

I just realized that when I unintetionally sent Jung Min to Sinagpore for the treatments... he really is going to SIngapore this September after like 2 years! Oh my god such a coincidence haha I didn't even know about it back then, lol.. Anyway thank god it's for a fan meeting!