Youngjae was slow to wake up, his head was pounding a soft rhythm into his skull and his body felt beyond heavy and there was a deep ache in his joints. Despite all of this, Youngjae found that he felt surprisingly better than he had in a while. He was careful as he cracked his eyes open, taking in his surroundings by peaking through his eyelashes.

Youngjae was ready to play dead at any moment, just in case Hyunseung walked into the room. His memories were hazy, and Youngjae remembered talking to someone before he had gone to sleep… somehow even the blurred memory felt comforting though. Youngjae brushed off the odd feeling, knowing that he couldn’t let himself relax, not now, not after having been with Hyunseung for so long. Something was definitely up, never before in the past month had Hyunseung ever let him sleep so peacefully, unbound at that. Youngjae couldn’t even remember a time that he woke up on his own without the aid of ice water being dumped on him or the sting of something slamming into his body to jolt him into consciousness.

He opened his eyes a bit more, blinking against the sunlight of the midday sun that was filling the room. His eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he looked around the bare room, the pale blue walls surrounding him highly unfamiliar. The room Hyunseung had kept him in was windowless and dark and damp and cold, and Youngjae was surprised at how warm he felt.

Something wasn’t right.

Youngjae took a deep breath and let it out in a slow exhale, ignoring the throb of pain in his ribs from the push of his lungs. He’d gotten used to it over time, anyways. The last clear memory Youngjae could find was that of Hyunseung dragging him back to the warehouse. After that it just became a hazy of drug induced hallucinations and warped memories. His head felt much clearer now, and although Youngjae knew he needed to get as much rest as he could in this moment of peace, he couldn’t shake the feeling that he was forgetting something important.

Youngjae jolted from his thoughts instantly, a protective wall going up between his emotions as the hot air of an exhale tickled at the back of his neck and the bed he was laying in shifted. A strong arm curled gently around his waist and Youngjae panicked instantly, thrashing away.

He might have toppled off the side of the bed, had the hold not tightened on his waist and pulled him back to the center of the bed.

“Hyung! Youngjae hyung, calm down, please!”

Youngjae closed his eyes tightly, kicking out as he tried to get off the bed as he was pinned down. He didn’t contemplate how gentle the hold on his forearms was, how unlike Hyunseung it was.

“Hyung, please!”

Youngjae slowly fell still, his breath coming in shaky gasps as he looked up at Jongup. “Y-You’re not real…” He told the hallucination slowly. He could already feel the guilt gnawing at his insides as he looked up at Jongup, “I-It’s just my… imagination…” Youngjae’s voice was quiet as he continued to stare up at Jongup, trying to convince himself that it was merely a hallucination. It wasn’t real, and it couldn’t hurt him, at least… Youngjae hoped so. He didn’t feel like he was under the influence of the anti-psychotic, but if he wasn’t, then there would be no other way that he’d see Jongup.

Unless Hyunseung had finally broken him?

Maybe he’d finally reached the point of no return… maybe he’d never have another day where the hallucinations wouldn’t be right there to haunt him, to remind him of every mistake he had ever made… to tell him how much of a mistake he was.

 “Youngjae hyung?” Jongup watched in nervousness as tears had begun to well up in Youngjae’s eyes. “It’s really me, hyung… You’re safe… okay?”

Jongup got up off the bed, letting Youngjae up when he was sure that he wouldn’t panic again and with gentle hands, he got Youngjae to sit up completely. “Hyung…” The whisper was soft as Jongup sat next to Youngjae, reaching up and gently brushing away his hair from his forehead. It was an act he saw Himchan do all the time and Jongup wondered if it held some kind of comforting property.

When Youngjae showed no response, Jongup let out a small sigh before pulling him over, letting him fall against his chest as he wrapped his arms around him in a hug. “Youngjae hyung… please… believe me okay? You’re safe here… Himchan hyung won’t let anything bad happen to you ever again… We are here for you… okay?”

Youngjae tried not to stiffen up as Jongup pulled him into a hug and it took him several minutes to finally relax his body enough to shakily wrap his arms back around Jongup. The contact was light and he could feel the pain of the skin on his back pulling, the throb in every joint at the odd positioning, but despite the pain, Youngjae didn’t pull away.

“W-why…”

“What was that, hyung?”

Youngjae took a deep breath, trying to speak up a bit louder. “Why… J-Jongup… I-I lied to you…”

Jongup gently rubbed Youngjae’s back, mindful of the cuts that Himchan had told him were across his shoulder blades before pulled away so that he could look at Youngjae. He took a breath, hoping that he was doing this right. JB had explained the importance of telling Youngjae that Hyunseung had been wrong, but also how important it would be for them to be truthful with Youngjae. If the guilt in his own gut was anything to compare to what Youngjae was feeling, Jongup knew that they wouldn’t just be able to pretend like nothing happened because that’s not the way you forgive someone.

First you have to accept what they did, then move on. Jongup smiled a little, “Youngjae hyung… You did lie to us… and I… I can’t speak for everyone, but.. that day when we came to make the trade… it was, hard. It hurt, a lot, to think that we didn’t mean anything too you.”

Youngjae stared up at Jongup, tears welling in his eyes as he opened his mouth to speak. Jongup shushed him though.

“I’m not done, hyung.” Youngjae instantly shut his mouth and tried to look down at his lap, but Jongup gently tilted his head back up, “Hyung… You’re really really loyal… You were able to set aside your personal feelings to get your job done, and afterwards… you risked everything to help us and get us back out of prison.” He kept his hands on Youngjae’s shoulders, trying to maintain eye contact with Youngjae and not focus on the bruising along his face or any of the other clear signs of abuse on his exposed skin. “Hyung… he could have killed you… you didn’t know where we were, and you still protected us…”

“Hyung… I don’t care what has happened, okay? You’re my family, and I don’t want to lose you… I really don’t want to…” Jongup gently rubbed his thumbs on Youngjae’s cheeks, wiping away the tears as he tried to smile again, “I’d trust you with my life any day of the week, hyung.”

Youngjae had begun crying again, his head bowed forward as he tried to shy away from Jongup. The younger didn’t seem to be having any of it as he sat in the silence and gently wiped away his tears as Youngjae got it out of his system.

“Are you okay, Youngjae?” Jongup finally asked. He felt concern as Youngjae shook his head, “Are you in pain? I can go get JB … it’s probably time for more pain medication-“

“P-please…. No more…”

“No more? Medication?”

Youngjae nodded slowly, “P-please Jongup… no more… I-I can’t…” his breath caught a bit as he tried to take a breath in, and his exhale was shaky as he wiped his tears to the best of his ability. “I-I… I don’t even… k-know where I-I am….”

Jongup looked around the guest room that he had picked out for Youngjae. His smile small as he thought back to the argument that Zelo had had with Youngjae about painting his room blue and making the room at the warehouse more ‘his’.

“Hyung… you’re home.”

The knock on the door was soft and the door slowly eased open. Jongup smiled as he could see the pink hair even through the tiny crack in the door and he waved his hand to motion for Zelo to come farther into the room.

“Hyung, someone is here to see you.”

Jongup knew that it was a poor choice of words the second that Youngjae stiffed completely, his eyes widening and darting up in fear.

“I-I mean, Zelo! Zelo is here to see you…”

Jongup mentally kicked himself for ing up. It had taken him nearly half an hour to calm Youngjae down enough to get him to relax against the headboard of the bed. He’d respected  Youngjae’s decision against pain medication and instead, searched around on the book shelf pushed against the far wall that was filled with random knick knacks and odd items that made the room look a bit more lived in.

Of course, the layer of dust took away from the thought. Jongup finally found a book, blowing the dust off of it before he approached the side of Youngjae’s bed and held it out to him, “Maybe reading will help you take your mind off the pain… that way you won’t have to medicate…”

Youngjae nodded slowly, taking the book gently in his fingers as he sat back and opened it.

Jongup went and found his own book, moving to sit against the wall at the foot of Youngjae’s bed as he began to flip through his. The words were a mere blur on the page, and Jongup merely counted to 65 before turning the page to give the illusion that he was actually immersed in the book. He could feel Youngjae’s eyes on him periodically throughout that time.

Soon the glances disappeared, and Jongup stole a quick glance up at Youngjae. A smile pulled at his lips, and after a few moments, Jongup abandoned his book to focus on Youngjae as he flipped through the book, completely immersed in the story and completely relaxed.

Jongup didn’t want to blame Zelo for ruining the moment, especially not when he noticed the tray that he was carrying with him.

He climbed off the bed, smiling at Youngjae. “Hyung, I’ll be back later… okay…” He ignored the slight flash of panic in Youngjae’s eyes as he glanced at Zelo. He instead, gave Zelo a sad smile of his own before leaving the room.

“H-Hi hyung…” Zelo shuffled forward nervously, gently setting the tray that he had brought in with him onto the nightstand. “How are you feeling?” Zelo waited patiently, rubbing the back of his neck as he slowly looked down to his feet as Youngjae didn’t answer.

“Youngjae hyung…” Zelo watched Youngjae for a few more minutes, an immense sadness building up as Youngjae still refused to look up at him. He thought back to the last time he’d been able to talk to Youngjae, the whispered words in the jail cell still fresh in his mind. Zelo took in a deep breath, straightening his spine as he was quick to walk over to the edge of Youngjae’s bed. He ignored Youngjae’s tries to scramble backwards, and instead knelt onto the bed and pulled Youngjae forward.

He wrapped his arms around Youngjae quickly so that Youngjae couldn’t squirm away, and he rested his forehead onto his shoulder, taking a deep breath, “You’re not a mistake, Youngjae.” Zelo shifted his weight so that he could reach down and grab Youngjae’s hand. He pressed the fingertips to the side of his neck where the tattoo was at. He reached down, slipping his fingers beneath the edge of Youngjae’s shirt, his fingertips resting on Youngjae’s own tattoo. “Hyung… You will always be one of us… okay?”

Youngjae took a shuddering breath, slowly looking up to look at Zelo. “I-I was lying the whole time, Zelo… I was never—“

“Don’t you dare say it, hyung.” Zelo stared hard into Youngjae’s eyes, “I’ve told you before… We are  your new family…” He bit his lip, “I-I promised we would never ignore you… and… I’m sorry, Jae hyung…”

Youngjae stared at Zelo, watching the mixture of emotions flash through his eyes before settling into a sadness. He was hesitant in his movements, and he felt completely awkward with the action. But slowly, Youngjae leaned forward, wrapping his arms around Zelo in a light hug.

He didn’t say anything, but rather, just sat there within Zelo’s embrace. It was silent for a few minutes before Zelo finally pulled away, “I brought you lunch, hyung… You were still sleeping earlier and Jongup didn’t want to try to wake you up…”

Youngjae watched as Zelo got up and settled the blankets around Youngjae before grabbing the tray and propping it up over his lap.

Zelo watched as Youngjae stared down at the food with an odd look on his face. “Uhm… Himchan wasn’t sure what all you would want, and JB said not to make to heavy of foods so he made some soup last night and it’s actually really good… Hyung made you some grilled cheese too…” He rambled a bit, a light sigh on his lips when Youngjae finally picked up the spoon.

He wanted to talk with Youngjae, just as he used to, but somehow, the silence had fallen between them. Zelo had been focused on staring at the bookshelf across the room, making mental notes to bring in some of Youngjae’s things and maybe clean up the dust so that Youngjae would feel at home. The clatter of the spoon on the bowl brought Zelo’s attention back to Youngjae and he was shocked to see how pale Youngjae looked, “Hyung, are you okay?”

Youngjae shook his head, shoving the tray away from himself and not caring as the food spilled onto the bed as he stumbled off of the mattress. He pushed his strength to the limit, just barely making it to collapse in front of the toilet in the bathroom before he threw up the little bit of food he had eaten.

He wanted to shy away from the touch that gentle rubbed against his lower back, but he was too occupied with the dry heaves as he emptied his stomach completely.

Youngjae heard water running before he knew it, a warm cloth was being set into his hand and a glass of water was rested on the floor next to him.

“I’m going to go get JB hyung, I’ll be right back.”

With that, Youngjae was left alone in the bathroom. He flushed the toilet, reaching down for the water to rinse his mouth out. He’d only managed to keep the water down for a few minutes before he was throwing it back up again, quiet sobs escaping him with each heave.

“Youngjae…”

Youngjae felt soft hands pushing his hair away from his face before pressing against his forehead.

“You’re not running a fever… Are you feeling nauseated from the medicine?”

Youngjae shook his head slowly, slowly leaning back away as he flushed the toilet again. “N-No…”

“Were you feeling nauseated before you started eating?” JB let out a sigh as Youngjae shook his head again. “Youngjae… You haven’t been eating in the past month have you.”

Youngjae ignored the stares he could feel on him as he kept his gaze locked down, not able to meet JB’s eyes. “H-He gave me water… sometimes…”

“No… Food, Youngjae. When was the last time that you had real food.”

Youngjae closed his eyes, trying his hardest to remember without bringing forward any memories. “I-It was Hyuna… I-I don’t know w-what it was but… w-when he g-gave me…” Youngjae shuddered heavily. “It made me s-sick, JB… I-I threw u-up and he w-was angry…. I-I’m s-sorry.”

JB let out a heavy sigh, “Yoo Youngjae, don’t apologize.” JB waited until Youngjae had calmed down enough before he continued on. “Your body doesn’t know how to handle solid foods right now… don’t worry, we’ll get you back up to eating soon, okay?” He smiled gently, “It’s not your fault.”

JB helped Youngjae up off the floor, walking him back into the room and helping him into the bed.

Himchan smiled from where he was standing off at the foot of the bed, “Hey… I’m going to go run these down to the laundry… I’ll be right back…” he said, grabbing the soiled sheets before heading out and leaving JB to get Youngjae settled into the bed and covered up with the fresh sheets.

“Youngjae…” JB knew he wouldn’t be able to get a full reply from Youngjae so instead he waited until he was sure he had the blonde’s attention. “Can I set up another IV for you…”

Youngjae bit his lip, looking down at his arm where the band aid had been pressed to his skin from where the previous IV had been. He didn’t like the idea of the long line, how easy it would be for someone to inject him with something he didn’t want.

There was a tiny voice though, that reminded him the lack of substance he’d taken in, and how it would be beneficial for an IV drip of fluids what he’d lost.

Youngjae took a deep breath, slowly looking up to his friends, “C-Can you promise me something, JB?”

“Anything, Youngjae.”

“N-No more pain medication.” When JB was getting ready to argue, Youngjae shook his head, “P-Please… I-I can’t… sit here drugged anymore, JB… please…”

JB let out a heavy sigh, “Aren’t you in pain though?”

Youngjae shrugged, looking down to his hands as he picked at the sheets beneath him, “It’s… become normal.” He whispered.

JB nodded slowly not liking Youngjae’s answer in the slightest, but he knew how important it would be to keep Youngjae from dehydrating. “Alright… It’s a deal, Youngjae. Nothing will go in the IV line that hasn’t already been approved by you, and you alone, okay? You will not be medicated against your will again. Except for maybe antibiotics if you develop any infections, but we’ll cross that bridge later if we have to.”

Youngjae let out a heavy sigh as he slowly extended out his arm for JB. JB took off the band aid carefully before checking the area, “I don’t think we’ll be able to use this vein again… we can try in your hand, that’ll probably be most comfortable anyways… let me go get my bag…” He got up from the bed, leaving Youngjae propped up with his arm extended in the position JB had left it.

Youngjae didn’t move from that spot until JB came back and set the bag next to the bed on the floor. He pulled out what he needed to set up the IV port in the top of Youngjae’s hand, carefully taping it so that Youngjae wouldn’t accidently tug it out.

“Alright, this is just the standard bag of fluids, nothing added… if it’s alright with you, we can add a parenteral nutrition to help supplement what nutrients you have already lost, and make it so that you don’t have to intake food if you are still feeling nauseous without doing more damage…”

Youngjae nodded slowly, trying not to shiver as he could feel the cold slowly seeping up his arm.

JB smiled gentle, “Youngjae…” When his friend finally looked up at him, JB tried to keep full eye contact with him, “It’s okay to let us know if you are hurting… okay?”

Youngjae stared at his friend, “I’m fine.” The words came out slow as Youngjae tried not to think about giving in yet again, of telling JB about the immense pains in his body from the bruises and cuts and general abuse. He was already too weak, trusting everyone that sat with him for more than a few minutes. It would only be so long until the cycle of niceness wore off and he was left praying for death once more.

Until then, he had to be stronger. He had to sit up a bit straighter and stop relying on everyone else. Otherwise, he’d be just as useless as Hyunseung had told him he was… just as much of a burden as he knew that he was.

“I’m tired…” Youngjae whispered, still having yet to look away from JB. “D-do you mind if…?”

JB smiled, nodding his head, “Of course, you need sleep, Youngjae… do you want someone to come in here and sit with you?”

“I’d rather be alone…”

JB nodded again, “That’s fine too… if you need anything though, just shout… someone will hear, okay?”

Youngjae nodded slowly, watching JB get up before making his retreat from the room. The seconds the door shut, Youngjae let out a heavy sigh, slowly lowering himself to lie in the bed more comfortably. The shifting around caused a flare up of pain along his shoulder blades and Youngjae had to bite down on his fingers to keep the moan of pain from escaping him.

Once he settled down, he began to take slow breaths, staring up at the ceiling as he willed himself to close his eyes. He hadn’t been lying when he told JB he was tired, and he could feel every ounce of exhaustion in his bones, aching his body and mind alike. Finally, he closed his eyes, continuing to take slow breaths.

There was a quiet creak, and Youngjae flinched hard, his eyes shooting back open as he looked around the empty room.

“The house was just settling… that is all…” Youngjae mumbled, reaching up to rub at his eyes. “It’ll be fine.” With a deep breath, Youngjae tried again.

The coming week seemed to drag on for ever for the occupants of the large house. Despite the surplus of space that allowed for plenty of alone time, everything just felt cluttered and cramped and everyone was lost in their own thoughts and practically right on the edge from nerves and ready to snap at each other at any given moment.

JB seemed to be the only calm presences in the whole house, dumbing down medical terms and trying to make explanations easier to understand for the others as he learned more about Youngjae’s condition of health and what all Hyunseung had done to him. He stressed how delicate the situation was, and how them fighting would only cause more damage, and it seemed to help every time a situation would arise and fists were nearly thrown.

Minhyuk and Ukwon stopped by often enough, sometimes only once a day, and sometimes once every few days, but they never stayed for long as they didn’t want to throw to much suspicion onto where not only B.A.P was, but where Youngjae was at. Not once in the times that they visited though, had Youngjae actually spoke to them.

Well, as time progressed, it had become somewhat normal for Youngjae to speak less. Whenever anyone would sit with him, he’d just nod slowly, his eyes never leaving whatever spot he had decided to focus on as he just listened. JB had warned the others of the possibilities that he’d display these sorts of behaviors, insisting that it would be normal for Youngjae as he tried to find his own ways to cope with the sudden freedom and privacy that Hyunseung had stripped him of. JB also warned them of how important it was that they continued to talk to Youngjae and still spend time with him, as not only would it help Youngjae’s apparent guilt and misguided feelings, but theirs as well.

The only thing that bothered the nurse was the clear signs of Youngjae’s lack of sleep. Every day when he stopped in to check on Youngjae’s healing process, his friend would stare blankly at the wall as JB checked over the various shades of bruises and half healed cuts. And every day, the circles beneath his eyes would be a shade darker, the hallows of his cheeks a bit more sunken in and his movements more lethargic then the day before. Youngjae was still refusing pain medication, and JB knew that even with the IV, there would be no way he’d be able to slip Youngjae a sedative to help him sleep.

But honestly, JB was beginning to worry about Youngjae’s mental well being.

“Youngjae…”

“Hmm?”

“Have you slept?”

“Yeah.”

 “Aside from the first day…” JB clarified, watching as Youngjae’s focus shifted a little and he glanced over just briefly before looking away.

“No.”

“I was afraid of that… Youngjae… You need sleep…”

Youngjae shrugged lightly, staring at the wall away from JB.

The nurse let out a heavy sigh, “I told you that I wouldn’t force you to take anything that you didn’t want to… but this is serious… Your body needs sleep. Either, you are going to start at least taking naps, or I’m going to have to give you something to help you sleep.” He said, looking up at Youngjae, “We are worried about you.” JB waited until Youngjae gave a small nod of understanding and he tried to smile, “Alright… just… please try to sleep tonight, okay?”

And Youngjae did. He tried his hardest when the sun had set and the moon came up. He laid in bed for what felt like hours, the constant threat of medication pushing him closer and closer to the edge of finally passing out. He tried his hardest to go to sleep, to keep his mind clear of any thoughts and memories, to just let the inky blackness over take him and stay that way.

Youngjae was unsure of how much time had passed, but eventually he re-opened his weary, sleep filled eyes and squinted into the darkness of the room around him. It seemed like even the soft moonlight had been shut off.

Terror spiked within him as he tried to shift on the bed but found that he could no longer move, his wrists pinned to the headboard  by the handcuffs that he’d thought he’d never see again.

“Did you have a nice dream, Jae?”

Youngjae was panicked as he looked over at Hyunseung as he began to cross the room, approaching his bedside. “N-No… Y-You’re gone… You’re—“

“Shh, Youngjae… it’s okay to be confused…” Hyunseung whispered, a smirk on his face as he kneeled onto the edge of the bed. He flipped Youngjae over easily, pinning him down onto the bed as he slowly pushed up his shirt to expose his back. “Go ahead and scream. Nobody is going to save you. Nobody cares, Youngjae.”

By now Youngjae’s breathing had grew ragged as he shuddered in fear. No matter how hard he tried, Youngjae couldn’t bite back the sounds as Hyunseung dug his knife into the wounds on his back, reopening them painfully slow.

“You’re a traitor, Youngjae. You sold them out… they will never take you back.”

The sob shook through Youngjae as he let out another scream as the knife dug farther into his back. He could feel the blood already leaking across his skin and the nausea began to bubble up his throat.

“Every time you wake up from that sweet little dream of yours, I’ll be here, waiting for you…”

Yongguk was the first to get up as the scream tore through the night air. His heart was pounding as he ran into Youngjae’s room,  instantly going to the younger’s bedside to hold him down from his thrashing. “Youngjae, Youngjae calm down!”

Youngjae wasn’t completely awake yet, and simply thrashed against Yongguk, trying to free himself from the elder. “No! No let me go! Let me go!” he continued to scream.

“JB! I need you now!!” Yongguk shouted, hoping to wake up the young nurse from where he was sleeping just down the hall. Almost instantly, JB was skidding into the room, all sleep gone from his expression as he pushed through the other members that were beginning to gather at the sounds of Youngjae’s screams.

“Yongguk, hold him down, okay?”

“Yeah, JB I’m trying!”

JB ignored Yongguk’s sarcasm as he pulled open the bag on the desk, pulling out a vial and a syringe before approaching the bedside, “Youngjae, I need you to stop moving around so much. This is a sedative, it will help you calm down, okay?”

Youngjae’s eyes focused on the needle in JB’s hand, and if anything, his panicking became worse. “No! No more, please! Please, I’ll be good, I’m sorry! I’ll be good! I won’t make any more noise, I’m sorry! Please!”

JB had already injected over half of the sedative into the IV line before he was being yanked back, the needle being yanked away and thrown back to the other side of the room. “Damnit, what the hell do you guys think you’re doing?!” Daehyun’s voice, despite the obvious tired edge to it, was full of anger. “You of all people should know what he was doing to Youngjae… He’s having a panic attack, do you seriously think holding him down and forcing him to take something he clearly doesn’t want is going to help him to trust us?!” Daehyun turned away from where he was yelling at JB, looking down to Youngjae was trying to move himself. Even though he’d only been given half a dose of the sedative, in his weakened state, it was taking its toll quickly on his body.

With a heavy sigh, Daehyun knelt on the bed and wrapped his arms around Youngjae’s thin frame, lifting him up easily and propping him up into the corner, knowing that that was where the younger was trying to drag himself too. “There…” he whispered, “You can see everyone and no one can sneak up on you, right?”

Youngjae stared at Daehyun with wide eyes, slowly nodding his head as he took quick and sharp breaths.

Daehyun leaned away from Youngjae, “Alright, everyone back to bed…” he said, shooting a glare at JB and Yongguk, “Himchan hyung, do you want to stay in here with—“

“You.”

Daehyun looked down at the hand that was gripped around his own before looking back at Youngjae, “Okay.” He didn’t look away, even as the others made their way out of the room and the door was shut. Slowly, Daehyun sat down at the edge of Youngjae’s bed, rubbing his thumb instinctively across Youngjae’s skin as he continued to hold his hand, “You okay?”

“No…”

Daehyun let out a heavy sigh as he scooted farther onto the bed, propping up to sit against the headboard as Youngjae still sat curled up in the corner. He was careful to adjust the IV line and keep it from tangling. “I… I’m here, you know? I-If you want to talk…about anything…” Daehyun started, still staring down at his lap.

Youngjae seemed to be having troubles keeping his eyes open and his head up. He could feel the small dose of the sedative pulsing through his body, numbing his senses one by one. “Y-You haven’t been…” The mumble was quiet, and Daehyun held his breath as he bit his lip.

“I-I know… it’s just… Youngjae, it’s hard for me… okay?”

Youngjae nodded slowly, moving out of the corner as he moved to lie down. He instantly rolled over, keeping his back to Daehyun as he tried to hide his face into the pillow. “S-sorry… you can leave now.”

Daehyun bit his lip harder than before, watching as Youngjae awkwardly tried to make himself comfortable. Daehyun almost gave into the dismissal, almost climbed out of the bed and let Youngjae be, but something held him back as he could hear each shuddering gasp for air, the way Youngjae lay so tense, even if he was trying to pretend like he was going to sleep.

Daehyun wanted to talk to Youngjae, ask him what the nightmare was about and try to help him, but none of the words wanted to come out of his mouth.

It still hurt him, immensely, when he thought about what Youngjae had done, but the image of the way Youngjae had stood up for them, despite everything Hyunseung thought to throw at him, was forever seared in his brain. He couldn’t just let it go. Finally, Daehyun slid down in the bed, tucking himself beneath the covers as he made himself comfortable. It took him several deep breaths and a lot of prepping before he finally rolled onto his side and gently rested his arm around Youngjae. He rested his forehead against Youngjae’s shoulder as he took slow and deep breaths. “Jae… I-I… I’m sorry…” He whispered, taking Youngjae’s hand gently as he tried to pull him closer. He could feel the younger shivering, and he prayed that he was doing the right thing.

Everything was confusing, and Daehyun felt like he was grasping at smoke but amongst the confusion and swirl of emotions and thoughts, Daehyun knew one thing for certain.

He didn’t want to lose Youngjae.

Daehyun waited until Youngjae had finally grown still in his hold, and Daehyun assumed that he’d finally gone to sleep again with the help of the sedative. “I still love you, Yoo Youngjae.” He finally whispered.

His heart nearly stopped as Youngjae shifted in his embrace, rolling over beneath his arm to face him. “I never stopped, Jung Daehyun.” The reply was sleepy and beyond slurred.

Daehyun took slow breaths, his eyes wide as he stared back at Youngjae as they shared the same air. Carefully, Daehyun closed the last few inches between them, a since of completeness settling through him as he kissed Youngjae lightly. When he pulled away, he couldn’t help but smile sweetly as he realized Youngjae had fallen asleep.

His heart pounded a fast tattoo against his ribcage as a cheesy sort of smile over took Daehyun’s features as he cuddled Youngjae close and let his own eyes slip shut.

The night was far from perfect, as Daehyun was woken up several times from Youngjae suddenly jerking in his sleep, lashing out against his hold before Daehyun could calm down. A few times he was almost near tears before Daehyun finally got him to remember that he was safe and no longer with Hyunseung. Each time though, Daehyun pulled himself from his own slumber to comfort the boy in his arms and coax him back to sleep, lulling him with soft words and gentle touches as he tried to calm him down to get him to sleep.

He’d managed to get Youngjae into a deep sleep just as the sun was beginning to rise. Daehyun untangled himself from Youngjae as he slowly climbed out of the bed. Even though he’d been woken up so many times through the night, it was the best sleep he’d gotten in a while. Daehyun couldn’t help but reach up and brush his fingers over his lips. With a sigh, he leaned over the bed and pressed a kiss to Youngjae’s forehead, “I’m sorry, Jae… I need just a bit longer… okay? Please… forgive me.” He whispered softly before leaving the room.

Youngjae woke up later that morning, his confusion heavy as he slowly reached across the bed, finding the sheets next to him cold and empty. He let out a heavy sigh, wondering if it had just been the immense want along with the sedative that JB had given him that had created the memories of the night before. He grabbed the pillow from the other side of his bed, pulling it close to his chest as he buried his face into it.

He lost himself in the scent that still clung to the fabric, and with a small sigh, Youngjae let himself drift off again. He kept the memories of times before in his head, picturing that it was no longer a pillow that he cuddled in his sleep but what he really longed for.

Youngjae fell asleep within the imaginary embrace, trying to fool himself that he was in the protective hold and that nothing would hurt him.

It's been a while, but to clarify, Zelo is referencing a conversation that he and Jae had back in... chapter 13 I want to say. Well, for the most part.

Such heaviness in this chapter, omg. I've been working on it, I was just having dificulties with Daehyun's part... I know it seems like he keeps going back and forth to wanting to be around Jae, and not wanting to be around him. and it's ment to be like that... there will be more daebutt next chapter, :D

But hey! While I've got you all here... You should go read this fic too. It's really good, and there is lots of B.A.P interaction and the characterization is amazing and the plot line is awesome and I just really like it alot and you should check it out, okay? :D It's about B.A.P and the Hyung-line are Casino owners and the Maknae-line are really good gamblers and asdflhlkjadfri, it is just great. I don't want to spoil it for you, kekeke~

Cuddles,

Lynn

((PS. I got my sushi. I was happy.))