TODAY THE MOON SHINES BRIGHTER

ON THE BLANK SPOT OF MY MEMORY.

 

 

He was debating himself if he should say what he is really feeling or just let the voice tell him what to do.

 

It’s confusing; it’s tiring, if there’s an easy way of getting out of here, he will take it.

 

He was sitting in the leather chair right in front of Dr. Park, the therapist of the house. She used to help a lot of kids around here and for the statistics, looks like she is good.

 

“Tell me what are you thinking about?”

 

Yoongi kept silence and then spoke. “Nothing”

 

“You don’t want to say what you’re thinking? Then tell me how you feel”

 

“Tired”

 

“Why?”

 

“You make too many questions”

 

“That’s my job, you know” She smiles but he didn’t do anything. “Do you want to know what I’m thinking?”

 

He shook his head.

 

“I’ll tell you anyway” She said, and pressed the of her pencil on her lips. “I’m thinking about what I want to eat for dinner. Maybe the lady who cooks will prepare something nice, at least I hope so”

 

He didn’t say anything. 

 

“If she doesn’t I would run to the closest fast food place”

 

“I like fast food”

 

“Me too, it’s delicious” She finished. “See? It’s easy to say what you’re thinking”

 

Tell her so she can shut up.

 

Tell her anything she likes to hear, you’re smart and she is a fake little that someone pays to help you.

 

She really doesn’t care anyway.

 

“I just feel sad. It’s there something that can make it stop?”

 

“You need to tell me more than that Yoongi” She informed him. “What do you feel when you're sad?”

 

“I feel a huge hole” He pointed at his chest. “Right here. I don’t know why”

 

What are you doing? Shut up you coward little rat!!

 

He shook his head, trying not to pay attention to the voice.

 

 “I feel alone and lost and I don’t want to feel this way anymore”

 

“It’s there something on your past that makes you feel this way?”

 

Yoongi looked up at her and flashbacks of his previews nightmares and repressed memories started to run like a movie on his mind. Something he didn’t want to see: his mother bleeding for another beating, his back hurting for more punches, his mother yelling at him to shut up, his stepfather hitting him every time he can, his mother leaving him beside a trash can, his mother running away from him and abandoned him under the rain.

 

YOUR LIFE IS A TOTAL JOKE!

 

“I want to go” He said, starting to freak out.

 

His body was shaking and he can’t keep his eyes on one spot.

 

“We haven’t finish Yoongi”

 

“I WANT TO GO!” He yelled at her. “I want to go. I want to go. I want to-”

 

Punch her, hit her, kill her she won’t let us go.

 

“Yoongi calm down”

 

“Let me go!” He yelled once again.

 

KILL HER!

 

“Ok, ok you can go” Dr. Park said as she saw his eyes burning in rage, it was like it wasn’t Yoongi anymore.

 

He opened the door and ran outside the office, and then outside the building to end up throwing himself on the green grass. The air coming through his lungs is something amazing. It was like that office was a jail and he couldn’t breathe any longer. His past is as damage and broke as he is.

 

He doesn’t need a therapist to know that.

 

 

 

The next day, a few hours before the guys prepared to runaway again, the director called him to his office. When he arrived the therapist was there too.

 

“Yoongi, please have a sit” so he did.

 

The therapist took the turn. “You are suffering from depression, a severe one. You’re going to see me once a week so you can talk it out ok? It’s the best way to let everything go”

 

He nodded but didn’t say anything.

 

“Here” then she gave him a tiny bottle and when he grabbed it, it sounded like little balls crashing against each other. They were pills. “I want you to drink that every time you have an episode, just like the one you had yesterday. Look at me, only when you experience those episodes, are we understanding each other?”

 

“Yes”

 

“I will know if they are working on the session we will have… so don’t take it as candies. Ok?”

 

“Ok”

 

“You can go now, Yoongi” Director Lee said.

 

He slowly stood up and exited the office with the bottle still on his hands. He doesn’t know what the hell is going on and doesn’t know if all of that is actually something real. Is that all? Did she give him these pills like that? This really helps? Does he really want that help? Does Donghae know about this? 

 

 

 

That night he was having with Sora again. He had her in ecstasies of pleasure. She was asking and asking him to be more strong and hard with her. Not really know why but hurting her physically also gives him pleasure.

 

Choke her.

 

He heard but shook it off right away. If it’s not her who is asking then she doesn’t want to.

 

Choke her, she’ll like that. She’s a . ’s adores being choked.

 

He slowly travelled his hand from her chest to her bare neck. When she noticed, some light shine on her eyes. What a ert, she is actually enjoying his hands around her neck. They aren’t doing any pressure though but with the thought of him doing it she is fluttering with anticipation.

 

See? She likes it, choked her!

 

He slowly started to wrap his fingers around her neck.

 

“Yeah…” She whispered.

 

Ok, so that means she wants it, right? He started to make some pressure but slightly.

 

Stop being such a , harder!

 

“Harder!” Sora said.

 

He doesn’t know if it’s the voice or Sora who is asking it. He is enjoying this but is also confused. He started to make some pressure, tighter than before.

 

More. More. More. Choked her tighter.

 

His pressure is going stronger; strong enough to see Sora going a little bit red but still enjoying it.

 

She is such a . Good thing you’re with a because no decent girl would want you.

 

He’s starting to press even more. Sora is still enjoying it.

 

You’re a mess, a total disaster, why don’t you kill her and then kill yourself to save this planet for your horrible existence?

 

She started to bury her nails on his before arm.  “Yoongi…” She softly said.

 

Choked her more, she is liking it.

 

He stopped what he was doing in order to disobey the voice and at the same time Sora screamed of pleasure when she reached her suddenly. He was on top of her still a bit… he is a question mark right now.

 

“Oh my God baby, you’re an animal” She said as she sited on the bed next to him and kiss him deeply on the mouth. “Next time choked me again; I got even more wet when you did it”

 

He only nodded and let her fix her body on the bed ready to sleep.

 

“I have to go”

 

“Why?” She asked, watching him picking his clothes from the floor.

 

“See you later”

 

“Okay baby” She yelled. “I love you!!”

 

 

 

Namjoon, Hoseok and the others were in the living room. He was fixing his jacket when he spotted them.

 

“I’m leaving” He said as he took a sip of Namjoon’s drink.

 

“Dude, dude!” Namjoon stood up and wrapped his arms around his neck. “Baekhyun and Chanyeol are on the dark side now”

 

They all laughed at that while Yoongi frowned. “Dark side?”

 

“Yeah, they’re dealers now!”

 

“What?” Yoongi sited on the table on Baekhyun and Chanyeol’s direction.

 

“Yeah, we’re selling packages. But, we like the give me-give me transactions” Chanyeol explains.

 

“Give me-give me transactions means money and product at the same time, right?” Hoseok asked.

 

“A little bit obvious don’t you think?”

 

“What kind of pills you sell?”

 

“We don’t know until we get the package. We were told we’ll sell something more, but we don’t know yet” Baekhyun smile. “Don’t be to desperate Yoongi”

 

Yoongi laughed hard and stood up. “Let me know. I’m leaving”

 

 

 

“Why so silent?” Dr. Park asked.

 

“I have nothing to say”

 

“That’s fair but I want to know more about you”

 

“What?”

 

“Soon you’ll be 20; you’ll be avail to go. What kind of plans do you have?”

 

“I don’t have money or a house”

 

Yeah you are all alone because you don’t worth it and you’re a trash, you know, that’s why your mom left you-

 

“Maybe I’ll go with Donghae”

 

What? No! Don’t be stupid.

 

“He’ll be my help”

 

“That’s good” Dr. Park smiled at him as she took notes. “You admire Donghae, right?”

 

Why would you admire someone who also left you hanging in this hell hole?

 

“I do” He said out of honesty.

 

“Good, good. The fact you have a role model makes your goals more present”

 

“Sure”

 

Goals? Kill yourself is your goal right? Yeah, that would be amazing.

 

“I’m glad Yoongi. I see the pills are working”

 

He nods.

 

“Good, let’s leave this until here”

 

As soon as he turned 20 that March 9th, he picked up his stuff and left the house. He was the last one to leave. Hoseok escape two weeks ago and after the police couldn’t find him, they stopped trying. He was living in the apartment with Sora and his old girlfriend. Namjoon turned the legal age and lived in Sora’s apartment as well for a few weeks until he could find a job, save his money and bought an apartment for himself and Hoseok. He didn’t offer a space to Yoongi because the landlord didn’t allowed another person on the apartment as Hoseok took his new girlfriend with him. Yoongi didn’t have another place to go but Donghae’s house. He kind of missed them both.

 

The door opened and Donghae was behind it. When he saw him, he totally lost it. He started to cry and hugged him tight. Since a while he wasn’t that fan of PDA but wow, finally he can see Donghae more than just a few minutes.

 

He knows this won’t end soon.

 

“Welcome”

 

“Why are you crying?”

 

He doesn’t want you here, that’s why.

 

“I’m happy” He said smiling.

 

That’s a lie.

 

“Me too”

 

He went inside the house and noticed it was a bit change. Yeah, he only spend one night on the house fourteen years ago but he could print it on his memory, each thing it had and that now, is totally different. He spotted Sandara on the kitchen and forced a smile.

 

To be honest, he didn’t have the same affection he had with Donghae with Sandara yet.

 

“Hi” She greets. “Welcome”

 

“Thanks”

 

“I’m making dinner. Go and make yourself comfortable”

 

“Yeah, come” Donghae leaded him to his bedroom.

 

“I’m not going to sleep with you anymore” He joked.

 

Donghae laughed. “No, not anymore” and he opened a room.

 

It was the room of his dreams… if he had good dreams. It was blue, a king sizes bed, a desk with a chair, a closet and a personal bathroom. 

 

He smiled shortly and turned around.

 

“Did you know I was coming?”

 

Donghae shook his head. “No, but I kind had a feeling”

 

Yoongi throw his bag on the bed and jumped on top of it. It was comfortable and soft.

 

“Is Sandara ok with me being here?”

 

“Of course she is” Donghae started to say. “She just feels like a mo-”

 

“Don’t say that word” Yoongi suddenly say.

 

“What?”

 

“The word mom I don’t like it”

 

He nodded slowly. “Ok…” then he clapped. “Put yourself comfortable and come down the stairs to chat, ok?”

 

“Sure”

 

Donghae closed the door and he started to unpack. The clothes on his position, the shoes on its position, the pills on its drawer close to his bed. He then sat because he didn’t have much to get organized.

 

What a trashy place

 

“No it’s no”

 

Of course it’s trashy, is horrible and is so fake.

 

He is fake.

 

“Stop it”

 

No. I won’t’ stop any time soon.

 

You’re such a coward you can’t live on your own, .

 

Yoongi took one of the pills and without water he swallowed. Yeah, the only way to keep his vicious is the voice, because his vicious are the only ones that can shut it, but sometimes he is so sick of it and want it to stop.

 

But sadly never did. He started to be so dependent to the pills. It created an addiction on him. The drink, the drugs, the pills, the cigarette everything turned into a full cocktail of narcotic substances. He didn’t have any force to continue fighting or he thought he didn’t because this was the easiest way to overcome the voice, the sadness and the emptiness.

 

Adding to that the rough and hardcore he always had with Sora and any girl he freaking wanted.

 

But something went wrong. In order to keep receiving the pills legally, he made the therapist believe he was doing great thanks to the pills and Dr. Park announced him after a while that he would stop taking the pills as he looked fully recovered.

 

THIS DOCTOR IS SO STUPID HAHAHAHAHA.

 

Recovered? He was a totally disaster inside. He was a lost child. He was broke, he was falling apart slowly. The pills at the beginning help him to short the volume of the voice but when he started to be addicting to them, the voice prevailed there. Intact. No harm whatsoever. So now, he didn’t need the pills to erase or short its volume down but more because he would go crazy if he doesn’t have it.

 

He arrived to the restaurant where Chanyeol and Baekhyun worked.

 

“What’s up man?” Baekhyun greet him.

 

“Do you have my dinner?” Yoongi asked arriving to the restaurant.

 

There were a few costumers.

 

“Sure, I have it on my locker. You should start to cook domestic food, you know?”

 

“You know I’m not good”

 

The dinner was equal to his pills. Yeah, Baekhyun sell depression pills like clonazepam illegally, weed, amphetamine and . All inside that little restaurant, together with Chanyeol. The boss, Suho, Che, and the new chaser, Lisa, didn’t know about it at all. First, because they used slang and second, because they were so good in being low-key about it.

 

IT SWALLOWED ME, THIS LUNATIC.

 

What a life he has been living. What a life he has been having.

 

He is very decided to not kill or steal from nobody. He won’t take his addiction to that level. He looked for a job as a bartender and started to gain money, money that he shares it between the house, only for Donghae to not suspect anything, his drugs and his personal stuff. He at least has some dignity to work for his own death. He also took the application in the SNU because of Sandara’s annoyance and take the approbation.

 

This kid can be a drug addict but he is smart, very smart. He was studying Nanotechnology. He made time for his drugs and his studies. It was kind of weird. Maybe it was the two sides of him reaching an agreement.

 

The voice? There, all the time. Like an annoying and constant pet on his head.

 

Donghae didn’t know about his problems until Director Lee went to visit Yoongi one day.  It was a real shock for him because he didn’t ever imagine Yoongi having depression or anything like that since he arrived home. He is quiet and doesn’t like to talk that much, he goes to the faculty, doesn’t have much friends, he spend the rest of the day in the house until 7P.M. when he leaves to the bar where he is working, but... he didn't imagine him having depression, just that he was a serious person. He also explain her that he bought the black jeep that was parked on the sidewalk, he helps with the food in the house and some oth