CHAP 16: ANSWER…

Kiseop’s POV

The cabin is slowly going up. It also goes up and down but don’t like that terrifying roller coaster. It’s much more peaceful and safe. Up from above, everything down there is just so fascinating. From afar, the city looks like an electric picture which is lightened up by millions of lights from buildings and vehicles. Flowing inside it is a lava river which actually is the stream of traffic. Moving eyes closer, a view of the entire amusement park appears in my eyes. Everywhere is filled with laughter and chatters. Although I can’t see how their faces right now, I know they must be really happy and enjoy their time here a lot. If only I could be like them. But that wish is out of my reach now.

I turn my eyes to look at Kevin who is happily taking spoon to spoon of ice-cream. Despite the freezing weather, Kevin seems to enjoy the coldness of the dish very much. He sometimes stops stop eating to breathe in its delicious smell. He shakes his head slightly and his eyes shut lightly as if he is on cloud nine. I don’t know that ice-cream can make him that happy. And his happiness is all I want. So if I still have a chance, I want to take him to my favorite ice-cream shop. But is there that chance?

Kevin seems to realize that I’m staring at him. He looks up at me with innocent eyes.

“Why don’t you eat?” he asks concernedly.

“It’s pretty cold for me.” I answer receiving his I-have-been-waiting-for-you-to-say-that face.

“Can I take it?” he asks with the most exciting voice.

“Of course. Just take it if you want. But make sure you won’t have a sore throat because of it.” I remind him.

“Don’t worry. I can’t get sick that easily.” He assures me. With that, he takes the cup which I give him.

He holds the two cups happily.”I will eat them at the same time. The flavor of the mixture must be awesome!”

He excitedly puts two spoons one after one into his mouth. After savoring it for a while, he turns to me.

“Maybe I should eat them separately.” He shrugs rolling his eyes. I can’t help but smile at his cuteness.

He eats the ice-cream with all of happiness of a kid. Sometimes he smiles satisfyingly. Keeping him always feeling that happy is my only desire. Therefore I won’t ever force him to do anything even that means I will lose my everything. Let’s wait till he finishes eating…

Kevin puts the two empty cups aside. He his stomach that seems to be full. Through his actions, I can say that he is very satisfied with the simple meal.

“Oh… I’m so full.” He rests his head on the back of the seat.

“You enjoy it much, don’t you?” I ask already known the answer.

“Definitely. Thank you.” He smiles sweetly.

“It’s alright. I have enjoyed our time too.” I say truly.

After that, the silence quickly fills in the blank between us. And it’s just like a signal that helps me realize something. It’s time to say what is needed to say.

“Kevin?” I call him to get his attention.

“Huh?” he raises his eyebrows. He moves his eyes from outside the window to my face. 

“About your answer to my confession…” I say directly to the topic.

“Uh… Uhm... I…” he starts to mumble. He sits up straight from the seat playing with his fingers nervously.

“Don’t be that stressful. I have already known your answer.” I say trying my best to keep calm so that he can be relaxed as well.

However it seems that my purpose can’t be achieved. Because at present, his eyes grow as wide as they can be. His face is completely in shock and maybe even terror.

“How… how can… you know?” he asks surprisingly.

“Through everything, Kevin. The moment I saw you waiting for me in the coffee shop, I knew your answer. Your blank eyes, your confused facial expressions, your strained behaviors. They told me everything. Maybe after getting here, you are more relaxed and happy and your worries may gradually fade. But I know it’s just you temporarily forget about them. Your feeling for me is still not love. To you, I’m no more than a rescuer and a good friend. Your answer is ”no”, right?” I say trying to hold back the tears that are waiting right in the corners of my eyes to roll down.

Kevin still hasn’t reacted to my words yet. He stays silent eyes getting watery. My sight goes blurred. I can’t read his expression anymore. Does he feel relieved when hearing I said that? Or he just feels guiltier? Hope that he feels relieved.

“Kiseop…” he finally manages to let out a word. But then he stops just like finding the right words to tell me.

“Kiseop… I don’t know what to say and how to explain. You are just so perfect and I…” he says in a voice choked with emotions.

“You don’t need to explain. Everything happens for a reason. And when it comes to love, reasons always seem hard to be explained.” I say being too afraid to hear what he is going to explain. I have used all my courage to tell him those words so now I don’t have any strength to hear the reason behind. Sometimes I feel so weak and powerless.

Hearing my words, he can’t help but burst out into tears. Those crystal tears are falling down fast on his flawless face. He tries to wipe them away. However his speed is not as fast as the speed his tears are falling. The scene just breaks my heart into millions of pieces. Why did I do this to him? All I want is seeing his happy smiles. And now what? All I do is making him cry hard. I hate myself so much. I’m such a bad person. I shouldn’t have come into his life.

“If you know… then why do you… still take me here? We could… talk in the coffee shop… then leave…” he asks breaking my trance of thoughts. He is still crying and sniffing.

“I think it’s because I am so rapacious…” I say after considering what to answer.

“I want to keep you with me as long as I can. Seeing you happy for the last time may be the reason too. In general, it’s just because I still don’t want you to leave me so soon.” I sigh after finishing.

“Why the last time? We can’t be friends after this? I can’t have such a friend like you once again! I can’t lose you, Kiseop.” he says almost crying out loud.

“Kevin, I’m sorry. Letting you go is too much for me.” I pause because of the awaiting tears.

“Staying beside you without loving you is unbearable. And if I still love you but you don’t return my love then it will hurt me so much. I also have to find a new love. You don’t think so?” I say turning away not being able to face him anymore. After all, I’m a normal human being. I still have to think for myself. But is it really for my sake? Or is it because I don’t want him to feel guilty and want him to feel free to love with all his heart that may be laden with pain he causes me. Anyhow I have to leave him.

“Kiseop, I’m the one that is rapacious…” he says getting closer to me from behind.

“I’m sorry. Sorry. I can’t imagine how miserable you are right now. I don’t know how to make up for you. I don’t know anything. I shouldn’t have come into your life…” he cries tugging the back of my jacket.

I get surprised that he has the same idea with me a while ago. But I think it’s a bad idea now.

“You shouldn’t say that. Meeting you is the most beautiful thing I have ever experienced. The only thing that makes me regret is that I can’t bring you happiness, Kevin. So don’t ever blame yourself for anything.” I say turning him around so that he and I are facing each other.

“Don’t cry. Promise me to be happy all the times. If you can do that, I can be happy as well. We will be happy with our real love, won’t we?” I say trying to earn a smile.

He slowly nods his head. I look at his face smeared all over. I gently help him wipe the tears away. He forces a smile to assure me.

“Kevin, can you do me a favor?” I ask hesitantly.

“Anything, Kiseop. What’s that?” he accepts right away looking up at me.

“Can we have one last kiss?” I ask shamelessly. The desire to be with him takes over me.

He doesn’t answer just leans on me. He wraps his slender arms around my neck. One of my hands lifts up his chin and the other puts on his slim waist. We both close our eyes and place our lips on each other’s. The moment his lips meet mine, an indescribable emotion fills my heart. Somewhat comfortable and somewhat miserable… but it’s not the right time to think about it. I have to enjoy our last moment with all my might.

The slight breeze brushes our skin and makes us frozen at the same time. But it doesn’t matter because our warmth is clinging onto us. Beside the heat is increasing as we deepen the kiss. I kiss him with all my love for him and he seems to respond it passionately too. Between the kiss I feel something salty. It’s probable the savor of tears. They do not only belong to Kevin. They are also mine. Our tears mingle with each other just like our hearts are beating at the same pace. Why am I crying? Kiseop, don’t be weak! I must become stronger so that Kevin can live his happy life.

The moment the ride stops, I break the kiss that may be the sweetest and most painful one. I get out of the cabin quickly then run away from him. As I run, I hear whispers from my heart and from Kevin too.

“Be happy…”

A/N: IT IS SO PAINFUL TO WRITE THIS CHAP BUT I STILL HAVE TO WRITE IT T______________T

YOUR COMMENTS MEAN SO MUCH TO ME.  THE PREVIOUS CHAPTERS DIDNT RECIEVE MANY COMMENTS AND THAT MADE ME QUITE SAD T_____________T

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