CHAPTER 44

[Sol Han Na’s POV]

“You ready, Hanna?” Manager Song asked, giving a knock on the fitting room door.

I felt a shiver run down my spine.

“Just a minute, Manager,” I answered back.

I took one last glance at the full length mirror in front of me. I’m already on my stage attire – a long, flowing, white gown that covers up to my toes but definitely emphasizes my curves. Manager Song didn’t let me wear it until the last minute. Two more performances and I would be up. The boys are already inside the studio, waiting. They haven’t seen me on my attire yet. I bet they’d be shocked.

“You can do this, Hanna,” I whispered, eyeing myself confidently at the mirror. “Just a few minutes… Endure it for a few minutes…”

I breathed deeply and willed myself to go out.

Manager Song gasped the moment I reemerged at the dressing room.

“Goodness, Hanna,” she blurted, pressing her hand on her chest. “You look stunning.”

I blushed deep red.

“I’m really nervous, Manager,” I admitted, ducking my head. Since this morning I have been thinking if it was right to pursue this debut even without proper training. If they had let me train first, would it make a difference? Would I be a bit more confident in standing onstage and face hundreds – maybe thousands – of people?

Manager Song placed a comforting hand on my shoulder and spoke intently, “You can do this, Hanna. The CEO believes in you. I believe in you. The boys believe in you. Now it’s your turn to believe in yourself. You can do it. You understand?”

I stared at her with my lip tightly bitten and nodded helplessly.

I have no other choice now.

“Now go sit there so we can begin prepping you up,” she said as she walked me towards the chair in front of the vanity mirror. A female is already seated beside it, probably waiting for me. I recognized her immediately. She’s also the same stylist who handled me during the music video filming. I gave her a forced smile.

“You look wonderful, Ma’am,” she told me as I sat beside her.

“I look pale, eonnie,” I corrected. “And please, stop calling me Ma’am.”

She smiled at this and began working on my hair.

“I want the same style you did to her in the music video – simple-looking but really sophisticated,” Manager Song ordered, watching us carefully from the back. She really is a woman of pure details.

Ji Yeon, the stylist, nodded and continued with her work. In just a few minutes, I was done and very much ready to go.

“This style really suits you, Hanna,” Manager Song mused as she fumbled with my hair. Ji Yeon curled it a bit to make it wavy and full of volume. Manager Song let go of my hair and it fell past my shoulders in a wavy lock.

I stared at myself in the mirror.

Manager Song was right. I do look sophisticated – young and sophisticated. I felt satisfied. Jiyeon really did a great job.

“Thanks, eonnie,” I said to her, smiling sweetly. “You really worked too hard on me.”

Jiyeon chuckled under her breath and held my hand. She spoke, “I barely had to do anything to you, Hanna. You’re naturally beautiful. I’m sure you’ll be sweeping hearts once you stand out there on the stage. I believe in you.”

My heart thumped.

Never in my whole life have I received so much love and support from other people. The CEO, Manager Song, Ji Yeon, and the boys… They are all believing in me. I have to do everything I can not to let them down.

My phone vibrated in front of me. I immediately reached out and fetched it on the vanity table. There are two unread messages. I opened the first one.

From: Home 

Your Dad, Ryu Jin, and I are already waiting in front of the television. Our neighbors and friends are all doing the same, too. Goodluck, sweetie. We know you’d do well. We are so proud of you.

I felt my chest tighten.

Don’t cry, Hanna.

I hastily sent a reply to Mom, my hands shaking intensely. I almost forgot about them watching for me. They are another three people addition to my list of expectants. The pressure is really getting into me.

I opened the other text message.

From: Byun Baekhyun

We’re at the front row so you could easily see us. My eyes will be fixed on you, just look at me if the nervousness won’t go away. I’m already so proud of you, Hanna, remember that. And is it possible that I'm already falling deeper in love with you without seeing you yet? Don’t go taking many people’s hearts out there, okay? You already have mine. I love you. Fighting!

A smile broke out of my face.

Baekhyun always knows the right things to say to make me feel better. I love how he could be so dorky and sweet at the same time. I sent him a “<3” before shutting my phone and placing it inside my bag. One performance more, and it’d be my turn. I stood up from my seat to prepare myself.

“We need to head to the backstage now. You ready?” Manager Song asked, eyeing me dubiously.

“Yes, Manager,” I answered a bit more confidently.

She smiled affectionately at me and spoke, “It’s finally happening, Hanna. The fruit of your hard work. Everything’s going to be fine with you and your family now.”

Touched, I pulled her into a tight hug.

“Thanks for being with me all the way, Manager,” I said to her, sincerity clear in my voice.

“I’ll always be here for you, Hanna. Always,” she replied as she gave gentle pats on my back. She disentangled herself from me and continued, “But enough drama for now. You still have a show to finish.”

I nodded at her and followed as we left the dressing room towards the backstage. A lot of Idols are already flocking on the hallway, finally breathing fine now that their stages are over. I felt their eyes on me as we passed by. I kept my head down.

Manager Song led me straight to what look like an underground enclosure.

“See that podium?” she told me, pointing at something I could barely see in the dark. “That’s where you’ll be standing at later. You’ll be launched by that thing straight to the stage while the lights are dimmed. You know what to do, Hanna. We’ve already practiced this.”

I nodded my head again, knowing perfectly well the sequence for today’s performance. We went hours earlier than the scheduled start of the music show to be able to rehearse everything that I have to do onstage. I already have them perfectly memorized inside my head now.

A wave of applause and cheers from the audience echoed above us and my heartbeat immediately accelerated. The performance before mine is already over. It’s my turn now.

Manager Song immediately pulled me into the podium. Dazed, I let her drag me. She pressed her hands on my cheeks and stared at me intently. “Calm down, Hanna, okay? You can do this? Just five minutes. Endure this for five minutes. Goodluck!”

I didn’t even have the chance to reply to her for the podium suddenly shook beneath me. I held my breath as the metal panel slowly lifted me to the stage. It shook again as it settled on its place. All around me was darkness. The fact of not being able to see anything made me feel a bit calm.

You can do this, Hanna. You can do this. For your family. For the boys. For Manager Song. For Baekhyun. You can do this.

I heard the director count behind me.

“Ready…”

I closed my eyes and took one last breath, focusing.

The voices all around me suddenly turn muted. It’s like I’m on my own in a different world. I let the emptiness swallow me and I calmed down. I focused every attention I have on my voice – only on my voice.

“1… 2… 3…”

I can do this.

“Niga inneun gose nado hamkke halge…”

The background music slowly began as soon as I sang the first line but the darkness remains to swallow me whole.

“Niga ganeun gose nado hamkke galge…”

The lights in an instant and so were the cheers from the crowd. I immediately saw the boys. Sure enough, they were sitting on the first row. After giving them a fast sweep of my eyes, my focus remained fixed on Baekhyun. He’s looking at me like he’s seeing me for the first time.

“Nol wiheso meirutgo nol wiheso gidohago
Ni senggage jamdeulgo nol bureumyo nuneul tto
Ne yopeso jikyojugo ne yopeso gamssajuneun
Non naye chon-gugin-gol…”

The cheers became louder but they seem too far away. My emotions of the song are suddenly getting the best of me, I felt myself drown in sadness. Only Baekhyun’s eyes on me kept me from deciphering reality from dreams. He’s looking at me with wonder and pride in his eyes. He’s right, I felt calmer now that I’m looking at him.

“You're my only one way
Ojing-noreul wonhe nega ni gyote isseume gamsahe
You're the only one babe

Himdeun sesang soge sarangeuralge hejun no hanaro naneun hengbokhe

Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven
Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven
Uri hamkkeramyon we will never cry never never cry
Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven
Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven Heaven
Yongwonhi duriso never gonna be alone…”

Gusts of wind suddenly began blowing, making my hair fly away in tangles. Getting more used with the atmosphere, I held the microphone suspended in a stand in front of me. I closed my eyes and let the lyrics drew me away.

“Ni pumeso sumeul swigo ni pumeso ip matchugo
Ni moksoril deureumyon kkum kkuneun got man gata
Ni nuneso al su isso ni sarangeul alsu isso
Non naye chon-gugin-gol…”

Out of nowhere, I could already hear the audience singing along with me. A new surge of confidence flowed through me.

“You're my only one way
Ojing-noreul wonhe nega ni gyote isseume gamsahe
You're the only one babe

Himdeun sesang soge sarangeuralge hejun no hanaro naneun hengbokhe…”

The bridge of the song finally came. I grabbed the microphone away from the stand and held it firmly with my hands. I closed my eyes again