CHAPTER 41

[Sol Han Na’s POV]

I don’t know how I managed to survive this day…

I remember what felt like an unending walk back to the practice room with my breathing becoming unstable and my heart slowly tearing apart.

I remember how I pretended to be okay in front of the boys – my mind constantly wandering towards what might have happened last night… Taeyeon kissing Baekhyun, Baekhyun kissing Taeyeon, their lips grazing one another’s.

I remember how I accompanied the boys towards their music show – how I watched them emotionlessly on the monitor inside their dressing room, my mind only thinking about one thing.

I remember how they came exploding inside the room, their third trophy in Sehun’s hand.

I remember how I tried to be happy and join them in their celebration.

Each word I mutter makes me prone to crying.

Each smile I fake breaks something from inside.

The whole day passed by in a blur but only one improvement happened to me – I don’t feel the pain anymore… I feel numb.

 I sat on the foot of my bed and stared at my hands – they were shaking.

I took a deep breath and closed my eyes, finally feeling free. The entire day made me feel so suffocated. I am a bit calmer now that I am alone.

The image flashed inside my head.

My heart constricted and a tear fell.

At last.

This whole day, I have been wondering why I cannot cry. Why the tears won’t come out. I know I wanted to cry – badly wanting it. But no tears ever fell. My eyes remained dry. At least now, it had come. I have waited so long for it.

I covered my face with my hands and for the first time for today… I freely let myself break down.

I cried.

I cried so hard – much harder than the day I scratched my toe and found it bleeding when I was at the playground on Second Grade; much harder when I almost got bullied in class during the Eighth Grade for reporting someone who cheated on the exams; and much harder than the day my dad was rushed to the hospital.

How did I end up like this?

We’ve known each other for what… weeks? a month?

Have I really loved him that deeply to give him the power to break me this much?

Is it really possible to fall in love during such a short time?

I shook my head, my hands still on my face.

How would I know that I love him if I have never fallen in love?

How did I become so sure that I really feel this way towards him?

Different memories flashed back inside my head – Baehyun and I at the kitchen during the first time I opened up to him, Baekhyun singing me to sleep, Baekhyun hugging me and kissing me on my forehead, Baekhyun protecting me from the three girls, Baekhyun smiling at me, Baekhyun looking at me, Baekhyun holding me, Baekhyun finally confessing his feelings for me, and Baekhyun kissing me for the first time.

I remember everything so perfectly like it’s only yesterday when they happened.

My heart throbbed inside my chest.

You love him, my subconscious spoke.

A sob broke through me, making me hug myself.

Maybe I do… Maybe that’s why I am hurting this much.

***

[Byun Baek Hyun’s POV]

I am standing in front of Hanna’s room with my ear pressed on her door, listening to her cry…

Ironically, the sound of her sobs made me feel a bit better.

This whole day I had been watching her – the way she talked to the boys, the way she moved, the way she acted… She looked utterly normal.

Except her eyes.

Her eyes were black holes of extreme nothingness.

She’d smile but it wouldn’t touch her eyes.

She’d move but her eyes would remain blank.

I have never seen her this much lifeless.

And it kills me.

Because I know that I’m reason behind it.

Listening to her cry right now sort of relaxes me.

At least there’s still some sign that she had not gone completely emotionless. Right now, all I want is her reaction. This is better than nothing. This is better than complete silence.

I touched the door handle and froze.

Should I really see her?

My hand tightened around it.

What if she pushed me away?

I bit my lip, already imagining what might happen.

I took a deep breath and decided.

I’d talk to her. No matter what she does to me, I’d talk to her. I have to try. It’s the least I could do for her.

I clenched my teeth and pushed the door open.

I saw her then.

Her dark figure was seated at the foot of her bed, her back hunched and shaking. She’s still crying.

She had her back facing me but I know she’s aware of my presence.

I walked towards her, stopping just a few steps behind.

She stopped crying but her shoulders kept moving up and down, her breathing ragged.

I balled my hands into fists, aching to know the right thing to do.

I reached out and placed a hand on her shoulder to calm her down.

She shoved it away.

I almost hear my heart break.

It’s been quite long since the last time she rejected me that the feeling suddenly felt raw and new.

I reached out again but to no avail.

She just kept pushing me back.

“Don’t touch me,” I heard her speak. Her voice sounded small and pained.

I bit my lip, trying to push back the hurt. I have no right to get hurt or offended. I am the one who started this. This won’t be happening if I was braver. This won’t happen if I only told her earlier.

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