Sometimes it’s worst to win a fight than to lose.

5^th September 2000

“Bixue, what’s the word written on the second row? I can’t see.”

Squinting her eyes, Bixue figured out the sentence almost right away. Grabbing the notebook in between them, she wrote it neatly and placed it back in position again so Luhan could look at it. However, he didn’t even turn his head at it, he kept his eyes fixed on the board.

She shook his hand lightly to catch his attention and when he turned, she pointed to the notebook.

“Oh, thanks.” Luhan tore his eyes away from the piece of paper and sigh inwardly. He knew exactly what were the words written on it but he faked it on purpose just so she could talk to him. He had even refrain from looking at notebook but she still refused to open .

“How do you pronounce this word?” He selected a new word that their teacher just taught and stared at the girl anticipatingly, hoping that he would get to hear her voice finally. Excitement twinkled in his eyes when she opened , however, right after she closed it again. She turned to the notebook and scribbled the pronounciation in pinyin for him, making him slump his shoulders in defeat.

He only had a week left but Bixue still refused to speak to him. He couldn’t understand why she could speak to Bao-ma but not him. 10 year-old Luhan couldn’t understand their relationship as time for them was almost up. Sometimes, they are friends who sits beside one another in class. Sometimes, they are more than friends who keeps each other’s secret dearly in their hearts. Other times, he is just a stranger whom she refused to speak to like everyone else.

Who was he to her when he had already regard her as his best friend?

Turning at the tug of his hand, Bixue pointed to outside of the class and Luhan nodded his head.

“I will wait for you at the canteen.” He told her gently as he stood up, watching her leave the class before preparing for lunch when his eyes landed on the small notebook that always sat between them.

That split second, he made up his mind. Packing Bixue’s sketchbook and pencil into her canvas bag, he carried it over his shoulders as he grabbed the small notebook towards the bin 2 classrooms away. He opened the cover and threw it in, watching that small notebook lay with other thrash. With a sigh, he covered the lid back, unwilling to look at the notebook that started their friendship. Walking towards the canteen, he mentally pray that this would work.

Throughout lunch, Luhan pretended to be normal and tried to strike conversation that require Bixue to use her notebook. However, most of the time Bixue would signal to him which he could understand it perfectly now. They no longer have to rely on the notebook to understand each other.

Let’s go.

Bixue pointed towards the school field when she caught Luhan looking at her and he nodded her head, leading the way to their daily usual place. Rummaging through her canvas bag, Bixue couldn’t find the notebook anywhere. She wanted to tell Luhan that his father would be coming over to her house for dinner so he wouldn’t be able to play soccer later. She wanted to tell him to enjoy himself to the fullest now but she couldn’t without the notebok.

I can’t find the notebook.

Drawing a small little square with her finger, Bixue’s hands signaled Luhan that she couldn’t find it.

“Really?” Luhan feigned ignorance and helped her rummage through her canvas bag. “Is it in your pocket?”

She touched her pocket frantically and shook her head. It was impossible for her to lose that notebook. She had kept it dearly with her ever since Luhan gave it to her. It was their only way of communication.

“Its not on the table too. When I left the class, it wasn’t there. I thought you took it.” Luhan lied, happy that she wouldn’t be able to write. That moment, he was confident that she had no choice but to talk to him. He was all prepared to run to the Zhang’s mansion and tell Mr and Mrs Zhang that Bixue talked to him so they wouldn’t send her to the orphanage.

Bixue shook her head as she looked around for something to write on. Luhan had limited time to play and she wanted to tell him as soon as possible. In a hurry, she grabbed her canvas and flipped to a new page, preparing to write on the white paper when it was snatched away suddenly, giving her quite a shock.

“Cannnot write.” Luhan told her angrily as he held the sketchbook away from her, making Bixue unable to react at his sudden reaction.

“Talk to me Bixue! Tell me what you want to say! Is it so difficult to talk to me?!” Luhan burst.

Lowering her eyes, she didn’t know if she should nod or shake her head at his question. It wasn’t difficult to talk to Luhan, she had tried to speak to him many times but everytime she opened , there wasn’t any sound coming out. It was not what she wanted but it wasn’t something within her control either. And Bixue didn’t understand why was Luhan forcing her now when he didn’t mind at all for the past six months.

In the end, all she could do was slowly nod her head as an answer to his question.

“Why Bixue??” Luhan was worried and mad at the same time, she had no idea what was going to happen to her if she still doesn’t talk. As panic engulf the 10 year-old boy, his tone of voice became increasingly harsh. “Why is that you can talk to Bao-ma and not me?!”

“Am I not your friend? I thought I was your best friend you know.”

“But looks you still don’t trust me enough to talk to me!”

Opening slightly, Bixue wanted to explain to Luhan that he was her best friend. There are many things that she would like to say to him but she didn’t know how. Just like how with him around, she didn’t need to have the world’s attention. His was enough. And that she has never felt like this around before. And if feels amazing and scary at the same time because he makes her really happy.

But, there just wasn’t any sound coming out from . She was panicking to explain herself but without the sketchpad she couldn’t talk so she could only keep her eyes low, not wanting Luhan to see her tears of frustration.

“You know what Bixue?” Luhan curled his fist and stared at the girl who refused to look at him, he could not afford to lose his best friend, it hurts too much. But there was nothing he could do if his best friend doesn’t feel hurt if she loses him. “I don’t think we should be friends anymore.”

With that he turned around and left, leaving his favourite soccer field and the girl who was supposed his best friend.

Bixue didn’t have to lift her eyes to know that Luhan left. She could hear his footsteps distancing away from her as her tears wouldn’t stop falling.

Nobody knows how many time she had sat in her room crying because no one wanted to befriend her in school, how many time she had lost hope because her home school teachers refused to teach her and how many times her parents scolded her for being a let down.

Nobody knows how many times she had to hold back the tears, how many times she felt like she was not loved by anyone. Nobody knows the thoughts that went through her head whenever she was sad, how horrible they truly were because she couldn’t speak. She didn’t want to be like this too but nobody knew.

Nobody knows the real her afterall. Nobody wants her anymore.

Not even her mother.

Not even her best friend, Luhan.

As promised.

Enjoy!