Nostalgia: Bittersweet longing for things, persons or situations of the past

22^nd March 2011

Luhan’s eyes fluttered open and he slowly took in the surroundings. The white walls and light blue sheets reminded him that he was not in his dormitory but back in Beijing; Bixue’s house. Right away, he got flashbacks of the conversation they had last night that had rendered him sleepless.

He had lost his temper on Bixue for the very first time and for the entire night, he kept asking himself why did he do that. It wasn’t until he managed to thought it through then he fell asleep. It was simple, he never regarded what they had as the last time and that he always thought that there will be more time with Bixue. He thought that he has forever, but he doesn’t. And he learnt it the hard way. Even though he convinced himself that he had thought it through, it didn’t make him feel less guilty for raising his voice at her.

Reaching for his phone on the nightstand, it was almost 5pm in the evening. He had almost slept through day and he got up quickly to look for Bixue. However, she was neither in the living room nor in the kitchen. He slowly strolled down the corridoor that led to the various rooms but she wasn’t in her own room either. As he approached the last room, what he saw inside brought a smile to his face.

The white room hung potraits of houses that Bixue had drawn. He was awed at her drawing skills, it had improved tremendously ever since he left. As he looked around the room, his eyes landed on the wooden table and his feet approached it instinctively. His hand ran over the wooden brushes that were old and dirty, used colour palettes and books sprawled on the table lightly. They were the ones he bought for her during their teenage years and it made him smile because Bixue didn’t forget.

Walking out of the room with light steps, he was about to call Bixue when he saw a note sitting on the dining table.

Luhan,

Meet me at your favourite restaurant at 7. I booked a seat under your name.

See you.

Xue

Like a little boy, Luhan held the note in his hand and ran back to his room to prepare himself quickly before taking a taxi to his favourite restaurant. He entered the place excitedly and when he took his seat, he unknowingly checked himself against the reflection before turning to the door, excited for Bixue’s arrival.

When he finally spot the girl, his eyes twinkled and just as he was about to raise his hand to call for her attention, it froze in midway because Bixue didn’t come alone. Behind her was 2 people that caused his nose to turn sour the moment he saw them.

His mother and Chen-bo.

His eyes followed the trio till they took a seat a distant away from him. They couldn’t see him but he could see them very clearly. He could see how his mother had aged and how Chen-bo became thinner since a year ago. His vision blurred immediately and he had to force himself to look away for that moment so his tears wouldn’t fall. Regulating his breathing, he turned back to look at them again. Although he couldn’t hear what they were saying, their smiles and laughter brought a bitter smile to his face too.

“Why didn’t you order anything?” Bixue’s voice brought him back to reality. He didn’t even realized that he had fallen into daze after watching Bixue sent his family to the kerbside through the tinted glass beside him.

“Can I order a bowl of La Mian please? And chicken dumplings too.” Bixue told the waiter as Luhan continue to fall into daze. He didn’t talk to her but looking at his reddened eyes and tuned up lips, Bixue knew he must be deeply affected after seeing his mother and Chen-bo after so long. Even if Luhan didn’t mention about it, she knows that he misses his family and she would do anything for him. She was not sure if that was love or pure madness, but she could no longer tell the difference. She would do anyhing to put a smile on his face. She loves seeing him smile.

“I couldn’t get your father out. He is really busy.” Pushing the bowl of noodle in front of Luhan, Bixue signaled him to eat. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s fine. This is enough.” Shaking his head, Luhan choked out before stuffing the noodles down his throat in hope that the lump behind his throat would disappear. He hadn’t expect to see his family even though he missed them so much. He didn’t had the courage to return to his own home and he knows his father wouldn’t allow his mother to meet him. However, Bixue made everything possible and he couldn’t be more touched.

As they sat in silence, not a word passed between them, not because they have nothing to say because they do not have to say anything. They didn’t have to talk about anything heavy or light, they just sat there together and that was enough.

Just like old times.

They could be weird together, they could act like little kids with Luhan playing soccer in the field in the park while Bixue drew him, they could be running back home when it began to rain, they could be picking out new art supplies in their favourite art store and they could eating noodles in their favourite eatery as they talked about the past, they like it when it was just them together, even if others were around. Luhan brought out the little kid in Bixue and Bixue allowed Luhan to be himself without judging him, but to love him with everything in her for the 2 days that he was back.

And Luhan could only hope that it would stay the same way forever as he looked at the chauffer and the car that they were in. He knew that it didn’t belong to the Zhang’s. He guessed that it belonged to the Xu’s the moment he entered the car but he just couldn’t bring himself to ask Bixue if it is. He would rather not know about it before he leaves Beijing because he knew in his heart that he wouldn’t be able to handle the answer.

“It’s your final lap Luhan. Endure and persevere okay? We will be waiting for you.” Bixue told him as Laogao, Luhan and her stood in front of the immigration just like a year ago. “And if you’re ever feeling lonely, just look at the moon. I will be looking at it too.”

Nodding his head, Luhan pulled Bixue into a hug. He closed his eyes, hoping to imprint this moment into his memory because he knows, the next time he sees her, she wouldn’t be his Bixue anymore. 

“Xue…” Luhan opened his mouth in attempt to congratulate about her wedding but he just can’t right now. The words refuse to leave his lips. “I’m sorry for losing my temper on you the other day.”

Shaking her head, Bixue replied, “No it’s my fault. I should have told you. I’m sorry.”

“No no. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have shouted at you.” Luhan argued.

“No, it’s mine. If I didn’t lie to you, you wouldn’t have raised your voice.” Bixue reasoned.

“Is there a prize for the person who admits fault?” Laogao looked back and forth at the two of them. He knew that the two of them are meant for each other but not for right now so they play these games, act like they are okay when one of them has someone else. When in reality, it tears them apart to know that they can be happy with someone else. He could only hope that they would end up together soon. “Why are the two of you fighting over it?”

“Next time just tell each other things and that’s it. What’s so difficult about that?”

Laughing at Laogao words, Luhan and Bixue broke apart as they waved goodbye to another. They both know that the other person would be at a better place the next time they meet.

At least Bixue was sure that Luhan would.

She wasn’t so sure about herself. She could not promise Luhan to wait for him forever anymore.

If Xu Feng’s plan fails, she could only hope that Luhan would sometimes smile when he flips back to the pages she was a part of.

Even if she was not his favourite chapter he had written.

TLP is happening here in Singapore right now, and tomorrow but I didn't go. The tickets are horribly expensive and I'm feeling quite grumpy about it.

Sigh.

Anyway, I have a question. Any idea if Exo M returned to Korea or stayed in China after their debut showcase in China? If any of you guys do know the answer, please comment below. I need the answer to write the next few chapters!

Enjoy!