The rain falls because the sky can no longer handle its heaviness. Just like the tears, it falls because the heart can no longer handle the pain.

Truly, crying helps us lessen our burden.

9^th September 2014

“Hyung. Wake up. We arrived.”

Luhan opened his eyes groggily and blinked a few times in hope that his tireness would wear away but he knew better that it would not. The medicine does not work that way but he could not stop eating it. He needs it whenever he flies or there is no way he can last throughout the flight.

Putting on his cap and mask, he walked out of the airport with the rest of the boys. He gave little attention to the fans who screamed their names. He was used to it and somewhat annoyed by these saesangs fans who follow them, call them and even harrass them. But there was nothing he could do because it was something that accompanied fame, he had to live with it. Just like how he had to take sleeping pills to counter his acrophobia.

He hate to admit it but day by day he could feel himself getting weaker. He could no longer dance as long as he used to and he was also getting sick more often. The medicine was definitely taking a toll on him but he was not allowed to rest. The company did not allow him to. Even now, he had to drag his heavy body to the concert venue and prepare for the concert.

[To: Xue]

I’ve arrived.

[From: Xue]

Videocall me tonight if you are free.

It’s been very long since I last saw you.

As much as Luhan wanted to see Bixue through videocall, he could not. He had been sick the past week and he look too terrible to videocall her. Now that Bixue had said it, he had no choice but to agree as he put a mental note to get their makeup artist to put on makeup for him.

“Are you alright?” Bixue asked the moment Luhan videocalled her. Through his makeup, she could see that he was not well. His eyes were puffy and he looks really tired. It was just like how the fans account had reported. She knew that he was sick the past week and he did not want to call her but he had been sick far too often for her not to worry. “You don’t look good.”

“Don’t worry. It’s just a cold.” Luhan comforted her. “I will recover in a day or two.”

“Go get a check at the hospital okay?”

“I will be okay. Don’t worry.”

But as the months went by, Luhan did not really recover. His migraine was always there and he was getting dizzy spells halfway through concert. When he returned to China, back to Bixue, he could not hide his state anymore.

“Luhan, go for a check please?” Bixue begged. His doe eyes no longer twinkle and it was red and swollen. It was covered with a layer of tiredness that he tried to mask with his smile. She was really getting worried because it did not look good to her in any way.

Luhan collected her into his arms. When Bixue wrapped her arms around him, he wanted more immediately. He wanted more in an innocent way where he just wanted to feel her touch and somehow know he was hers because she was his sunset, his reminder at the end of the horrible days that there was still beauty in the world no matter how ugly everything else was. He was constantly sad back in Korea because he no longer knows what makes him happy anymore. Being a singer was not what he had expected.

Nodding his head heavily, he agreed. “I will. I promise.”

He knew himself that he was sick and that he was dragging his illness. He went to the Korean hospitals to check but the check-up came out fine, stating that he was merely tired. But he knew better that he was not. He was breathless after climbing a flight of stairs and he could barely catch his breath after a dance. It was probably a hospital that had ties with SM that was bias towards Exo K. Because no matter how many times he asked to take a short break back home, he was denied it while the rest of the Korean members could.

“I will call Xu Feng.” Bixue called and arranged for the checkup to take place at a hospital under his management the following day. Laogao fetched Luhan there while Bixue went in through another entrance to the floor where his medical checkup was going to take place. Xu Feng and Guo Jing sealed the entire level and it was heavily guarded. The doctors and nurses arranged were also experienced and Luhan’s health condition was kept private.

“Mr Lu, please tell me your conditions.” The doctor asked.

“I… had been having migraines. Its constantly happening and I am always giddy suddenly. I also feel breathless quite often. I am not sure if its because of my insomnia or is it because of the sleeping pills that I ate.” Luhan confessed and that moment Bixue had to bite her lower lips to stop herself from breaking down. It hurts her to hear all these from him. It hurts her to know that he had been suffering.

“Since when had you been experiencing all these?”

“Since.. a few months ago I think.”

“Okay. We will run a few tests so please come with me.”

When Luhan went away, Bixue sat at the doctor’s office alone and she wiped away the tears that formed at the corner of her eyes. She told herself to stay positive as Luhan and her waited for his results.

“Don’t worry. I will be okay.” Luhan laced his fingers around hers.

“Yea, I’m sure Luhan will be okay.” Guo Jing nodded her head firmly.

“Yea don’t worry. This boy had been playing sports since we were young. He is the healthiest.” Laogao too, comforted Bixue.

Forcing out a smile, Bixue nodded weakly. It was exactly why she was worried. He is the healthiest. He doesn’t fall sick. She is the sickly one, not him but this time, her sixth sense told her, he is really really sick.

“Mr Lu, I’ve got your results.” The doctor announced and everyone in the room straightened. Bixue instinctively tightened the grip around their laced hands.

“Apparently, Mr Lu had been taking the sleeping pills for quite some time so the side effects had kicked in. Plus, he is constantly working without any proper rest. And his mental health is always worrying about the fans who are following him or would secretly record him, I have to say that his health is in quite a bad shape.”

Bixue closed her eyes, afraid to hear the next part.

“With all the overworking, stress and anxiety, there is a high chance that Mr Lu can collapse any time if he continues the pills and do not take a proper rest.”

Silence filled the entire room. Bixue swallowed hard with her blurry vision. Xu Feng, Guo Jing and Lao Gao were unsure of how to react, let alone Luhan. He let the words slowly sink into him and it hit him; he will die anytime.

“Is there anything he can do now?” Xu Feng was the first one to recover as he seek the professional’s advice.

“It would be the best if he can take a long-term rest while he undergo some medication. The medication would not work if he doesn’t rest. What he needs the most is rest.” The doctor adviced.

“Give me a copy of his medical condition and we will discuss it again.”

Xu Feng handed the copy over to Luhan as they all prepare to leave the hospital. Luhan looked over at Bixue for the umpteenth times but she did not look back at him. Her eyes was just teary as she stared into empty spaces, looking beyond him. She clearly could not digest the news.

“Can you all send her back for me? I’m worried she cannot make it back in this state.” Luhan asked Xu Feng and Guo Jing and they agreed immediately.

“Xue..” Luhan walked up to her and held her hand tightly in his. “I will meet you back in the house okay? Wait for me.”

When Luhan finally returned home after a huge detour to shake off the fans, he found Bixue standing in front of the tinted windows. Slowly, he approached her and slipped his hands around her waist, burying his face in the crook of her neck.

“I’m sorry..” Luhan mumbled. He is sorry for not taking care of himself, sorry for making her worried, sorry for sleeping with other girls, sorry for many other things that he had no courage and could not say.

That was when Bixue finally broke down for the first time that day. His touch and scent broke her because she could not believe that there will be one day she would not be able to feel and smell him again.

And as she cried, Luhan held her. He felt it was his duty not to move until the tidal waves of tears stopped crashing against his shoulder and her sadness faded, even just momentarily. As she wept softly in his arms, Luhan could not help but to feel sad. The girl he loves was breaking in front of him and it seemed there was nothing he could do. He held her for over half an hour in silence before finally deciding upon something to say.

“It’s going to be okay. I’m going to make it okay?” He promised her and squeezed her gently in his arms.

He heard her sniffle as the tears seemed to stop. She lifted her head and silently just planted soft kisses on his lips before turning around to lean against him and closing her eyes, wanting to sleep with him, disappear from reality for a while to leave the sadness behind.

Went for 2 interviews and I am not feeling too positive about it. I'm getting this really upset and lost feeling whenever they question me because I really don't know what I want. I guess I'm officially facing quarter life crisis. How I wish I can find a job where I can brainstorms storyideas everyday, or even require me to speak Korean. I know I promised some of you a blogpost on Korea, I will do it soon cause I really miss Korea. Oh those carefree days~

Feeling as bad as Bixue now. I really want to disappear from reality for a while to leave the sadness behind. But don't worry, I will be okayyy! I'm just feeling grumpy about life right now. My chirpy side will be right back but maybe just not today or tomorrow. Hahah.

Enjoy this chapter! And I hope people who are as lost as me would find a light at the end of the tunnel soon.