We are torn between nolstagia for the familiar and an urge for the foreign and strange. As often than not, we are homesick most for the places we have never known.

21^st March 2011

 “Are you really getting married?”

Bixue looked at the boy before her, wondering how she should tell him everything that was going on right now. Xu Feng and her had delayed the wedding with an excuse that Xu Feng wanted to achieve something in the the Xu’s holding before marrying her. However, in actual fact, Xu Feng is planning to take over the company so he could be freed from being his father’s puppet. He is working hard for every project in the company in preparation for a shareholder meeting one day and asked to take over the company by votes. And when he can finally call the shots, he would announce their arranged marriage as null but still go on with the merger between the Zhang and Xu to protect Bixue’s reputation. It was the only way Xu Feng felt he could protect his friend and his girlfriend at the same time. Although it might be a good news for Bixue to tell Luhan, it wasn’t wise for her to do so. The old chairman Xu might be old but he still could not let go of his authority. It wouldn’t be easy for Xu Feng and any small mistake would ruin the entire plan. That was why Bixue agreed to go to the US with Xu Feng when he attended a business meeting there. They had to stage it flawlessly for the old chairman Xu to believe them so the lesser people knew about the plan, the better it is. For this perfect stage, she had even left her phone behind so Luhan wouldn’t know that she went overseas when he calls her. It was hard for her but Xu Feng, Guo Jing and her happiness were at stake. She had just stepped home when her doorbell rang, giving her a bittersweet surprise after so long.

Sweet because she finally got to see Luhan but bitter when she had to keep the secret between Xu Feng, Jing and herself.

“Yes.” She told Luhan in her shivering voice, trying to sound as convincing as possible but in actual fact, her heart was breaking. She knew he never loved her like he loved Qian Ya but she wanted him anyway. She knew his love for him was conditional but she wanted him anyway. She knew she would always be his second choice but she would still want him anyway because he will and always have all of her heart. But that didn’t mean it didn’t break her when she had to lie to him and let him be mistaken about her love for him. It was alright that he didn’t know because she loves Luhan enough to fight for him, compromise for him and sacrifice herself for him if need be. Enough to miss him incredibly when they are apart, no matter what length of time it is for and regardless of the long distance. Enough to stand by her love for him through the worst time so she could be there for him when he needs or wants her, and never ever want to leave him, or to live without him. She loves him this much to go through these pain now even if it hurt her.

Luhan looked up at Bixue to have her staring back at him. How could she looked back at him with the same starry eyes as the day they met but in reality everything has changed? That moment he felt like she had turned into smoke. He thought he was seeing her clearly but when he tried to reach for her, nothing was there. Her tongue has no bones but that moment she replied yes, it broke his heart entirely.

“Why?” Luhan asked in an almost inaudible voice but Bixue didn’t give any reply. However, he just got more and more affected when he thought of how he waited for her, watching her phone every night, waiting on a phone call that somewhere in the back of his mind knew he would never get.

“Is it because your father forced you to marry him?”

“Do you know that guy?”

“Have you all met?”

“Have you even talked to him?!”

“We met.” Bixue broke the silence after a while. “And we’ve talked.”

Looking down at the floor, Luhan closed his eyes painfully. They talked. Bixue talked to the guy when she didn’t like talking to strangers. He thought Bixue had missed him too but he realized that she didn’t miss him at all and he was definitely not what she wanted. And maybe, he never meant that much to her.

“Congrats then.” He choked out. He knew it wasn’t Bixue’s fault for not being there the past few months, it was his fault for thinking she would be.

“Luhan…” Bixue called him softly. All she could do now was imagining him imagining her, it was her salvation. “Concentrate and do well for your dream. I can’t wait for you to stand on the stage.”

“But you didn’t even tell me anything! How do you want me to concentrate? I called you so many times and you didn’t pick up. Do you know how worried I was?”

“I called Bao-ma and she always tell me that you are not home. I thought to myself maybe you are busy with school but then I came back to find you had shifted out of your house for quite some time already.”

“I.. don’t even know what is happening. I don’t even know what am I missing out about my best friend’s life!”

Swallowing her tears, Bixue tried to ignore the 2 words she just heard. Best friend. She didn’t want Luhan to see her cry over him. She wants him to remember her happy, and all the ridiculous things they did when they were younger, the way she was too stubborn to talk to him and how absolutely insane it drove the both of them. Remember all the firsts and how they were so delightful that they went back for seconds and thirds and forths. Remember the songs he couldn’t stop listening to and the childish dreams they used to have.

“I will still be your best friend no matter what happens. Please remember that.” All the things she did was for him. He wouldn’t know and she couldn’t tell. Truthfully, she had no confidence that Xu Feng’s plan would work but no matter what happens, she didn’t want Luhan to remember the ending. She wants him to remember their beginning, remember the first time they knew each other. She could no longer promise him that she could stay but all she could promise was that she will love him wherever she is. And all these were better left unsaid.

“Okay.” Luhan muttered when he heard her shivering voice. The last thing he wanted was to leave her now, he was scared that if he turned around to leave, he would lose his best friend immediately. “Can I stay here?”

Nodding her head immediately, Bixue led him to her guest room and she closed his door behind her.

“Good dreams.”

“Goodnight.”

Leaning on the other side of the door, tears of fear rolled down her cheeks.

She wants to tell him that she loves him but keeps it to goodnight because love means falling and Luhan has always been afraid of heights.

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!

This chapter finally explains why did Bixue not pick up Luhan's calls. She was just being careful. There are some points that I want to add on there. Old Chairman Xu is crafty so Bixue was just being careful in case her phone will be tapped and she didn't want Luhan to know she went overseas because dialtone tend to change if you call overseas. And why does BX not want LH to know? Because of the plan XF had. Also! I've changed the name of XF's girlfriend to Guo Jing. Han is too closed to Luhan so yeah. Enjoy!

Really sorry for the lack of updates these few days. I planned to update everyday this week but unfortunately, I was admitted to the hospital and I wasn't in a state to write.

I managed to rush out this chapter yesterday before I discharge as a New Year gift for you guys.

So sorry about the lack of updates. It will slow down over the next week because I'm feeling really tired now. I will rest and write when I can yea?

Nonetheless, I still want to thank you guys for the continuous support in 2015. You guys had upvoted my fics so much that I have 4 fics that had been featured. I couldn't ask for more and I don't know what I can do to repay you guys. I know some of you are quite afraid of authors here on AFF but please don't be afraid of me. Feel free to drop me a PM and I will definitely reply. 

For 2016, I will definitely continue to write the existing stories. I have plans for 2 new stories but I will have to end one before picking up another so do keep a lookout. I'm not sure if I want to start a author interview so you guys can ask me any questions. Should I? If you think I should do leave a comment too.

Last but not least, have a blessed and smooth 2016 everyone! Stay healthy and happy always alright? 

With love,

Z.S