If it is important to you, you will find a way.

If it is not, you will find an excuse.

21^st September 2014

Luhan sat on his bed, the bed in his supposedly home but had never felt like one. Mornings would be better if he woke up next to Bixue.  Now, his head hurt and his heart was in a complete mess.

He was worried about his health that was in a very bad shape. He knew better that he would collapse soon but that did not scare him. What scared him was leaving Bixue behind alone. It was the first time she begged him to come back ever since he started this dream of his. All these years, no matter how long their separation was, she had never asked him to return back to her. And he knew that this time, she is really afraid.

As much as he wanted to rest, things do not go his way. No matter how he asked for a rest, the company refused to. They had been very strict with the group ever since Kris left. He could not say no to the company’s never ending requests, no will make them angry but he knew better, it will make him free.

Yes aren’t permanent. They are something he chose again and again, each and every day to do what he thought would make him happy. But he has the right to recall and reconsider as soon as saying yes no longer feels conducive to his wellbeing and happiness. It doesn’t even matter even if saying no meant lawsuit anymore because he is no longer going to commit to something that forces him to compromise who he is and what feels right. It might hurt s, his fans and his company if they care, but he could no longer not stay true to himself, not honoring Bixue’s feelings and making self-care a priority.

Picking up his phone, he dialed a number that was unfamilar. He believe that in this life he still has choices, chances and changes. He had to make a choice to take the chance or his life will never change.

And when the other end of the line was connected, the change began and the choice was his to create the life his desire.

“Xu Feng, it’s me, Luhan. Do you think you can do me a favour?”

“I want to end my contract with SM but I need someone to help me contact the lawfirm.”

“My friend Laogao, can liase with Kris.. but do you think you can help me with the procedures in the mean time?”

He tried his best to be kind by minimizing the impact that it would be made on SM and his fans but his company did not appreciate. They gave Luhan time to rest and that was Bangkok’s concert. He had to join the group after. That was not he wanted. If SM was willing to give him a slightly longer break, till he fully recovers, then maybe he would say yes again. Now, he had reached the point in his life when he got tired of chasing after them and trying to fix the problem. It’s not giving up, it’s realizing he doesn’t need certain people or the drama they bring with them.

“I had officially filed the lawsuit.” Luhan broke the news to the 10 other members over the table. They are his brothers, all of them went through the toughest period together and he felt really bad that he could not walk all the way with them. “My health… is getting worst. I really need to rest for some time. I don’t know how long it would be..”
 

“And.. I have to admit.. love made me do this.. she asked me to return to her. For the first time.. I just can’t.. ignore..”

“I’d cross mountains for her.. but I.. I am afraid of heights..this is the only way..”

“She had lost her parents and I can’t afford to let her lose me..”

“I’m sorry guys..” He choked out. “The Beijing concert would be my last performance as an Exo member.”

Sehun and the other members fell silent and the youngest had to stop himself from crying. He knew that Luhan’s health was in a bad shape and he did not blame him from leaving but it didn’t mean that it didn’t hurt. He is his closest hyung and with him leaving, it simply meant they probably would not be able to meet so often anymore. A part of him did not want him to leave but the bigger part of him wants Luhan to be happy and healthy.

After a while, Suho broke the silence and squeezed his shoulders encouragingly. Although they had lost a member, and with Luhan departure’s they might lose their fans, he felt it was perfectly alright if it meant Luhan did not have to be in this state. They all knew how bad the company could be. “It’s okay Luhan. We understand.”

“Your health is more important. We will never blame you.” Xiumin spoke up as well, comforting his best friend. Luhan feels guilt way too often and being the oldest, he had to speak to make him feel better. “At least we have the last stage together.”

Nodding his head, Luhan left the table and returned back to his room. With his hands on his knees, he held his phone and constructed a message with his blurry vision.

[To: Xue]

I’ve made up my mind to leave.

September 18^th is my last performance… you will come right?

Silence engulfed the room, with only Luhan’s tears trickling down his face. Till a vibration was felt in his hand then he looked up.

[From: Xue]

Definitely.

Remember that I’ll always love you.

Luhan swore, her I love you’s sounds a lot of he can always come home and he wasn’t lying when he said that she is home. She is familiar, she is safe. She is not his first love but she will be his only love. She had always been there when he needed her, even after how he had hurt her. Even his actual home had never given him quite the same sense of comfort and security that she did so when the group left for Bangkok’s concert, Luhan departed back to Beijing with the luggage he came with. The luggage that was filled with his dreams was now filled with heaviness and regret.

He was finally returning home.

Within the 2 short weeks, he had began his therapy with Bixue staying by him throughout. She sat by his bed when he was on drips, held his hand when he had to be honest with his parents about his sickness and convinced his parents to attend his last concert even when they were mad at him for ruining himself this way.

Adjusting his mic, Luhan walked towards the group of boys who was waiting for him at the staircase nearest to the stage. They had been dreading this day but they had to face it, he was going to leave and this would be their last performance as Exo.

“Let’s enjoy ourselves today.” Suho told everyone as they put their hands in the middle of the circle. “For the sake of memories.”

Luhan nodded and enjoyed every moment he had on stage. Making sure he went to every corner of the stage to take a good look at his fans. He wanted to imprint everything in his memory if its possible. Even if it was how his parents, Bixue, Laogao, Xu Feng and Guo Jing were looking at him from afar, waving their lightsticks as support; he wanted to keep it with him forever.

Every beginning has an end. He began his career with the showcase concert and he ended with one. Comforting himself, he told himself that he ended the last with everyone he loves around him. When the concert ended and he walked away from the applause, he boarded a separate van from the boys. From this moment onwards, he is no longer Exo’s Luhan.

He is Luhan.

Bixue’s Luhan.

“Thank you for coming back to me.” Bixue ran towards him and hugged him tightly the moment she heard the front door unlocked. She had been so afraid since the start of the concert, afraid that he would continue to say yes to the company, to his dream. She had never been this afraid in her life. Now, her heart that had been hanging in midair could finally be back in place.

With an equal amount of force, Luhan hugged the girl back. He had chosen to be with the girl who would not stay mad at him, who could not stand not talking to her and who was definitely afraid of losing him. And there is nothing else he needs even if the whole world turns their back on him after the news about his departure breaks up. Swallowing his tears, Luhan closed his eyes tiredly. “I was made to keep your body warm, but I’m cold now.”

“So hold me in your arms.”

We had reached the part where Luhan had made his departure. I believe that the boys are aware of the news when they had their final stage together because all these while, Luhan had been in Beijing. Well, that was based on my memory a few years back. I hope this piece of news is right.

We are on the final countdown for this fic! Last 5 chapters! That means... Behind the scenes! I hope that this behind the scenes can work for this fic as my comments are getting lesser and lesser. I am not sure if people are still reading this but I really hope it works! The template can be found below and please throw in as many questions as you can! 

Enjoy!

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