‘Almost’ is the worst way to love someone

28^th April 2008

It was a typical day in Haidian Foreign Language School, a group of boys and girls walked out of the school with the rest of their schoolmates. Everyone was happy that the weather was turning warmer and summer was approaching; even their footsteps seemed to be lighter on this day except for one.

Luhan was walking behind the group, lagging a few steps behind. He couldn’t seem to join the group’s conversation. The feeling of failing the audition still gnawed on him. Bixue did make him feel a little better but even he was feeling okay now, he was still really sad at the same time.

Looking up, he caught sight of Qian Ya among the group right away. He just have the ability to find her in the sea of crowd, just like how he did on the first day of school. Her dazzling smile under the sun’s ray made him feel worst than before. Everyday, he tells himself that he would confess his love for her today but then when he sees her face, he remembers that he is not good enough for someone as amazing as her.

“What’s up with our handsome Lu-ye?” Lao gao slowed down and walked alongside with Luhan.

Luhan looked up at him and returned a smile. He wanted to talk to them about it and maybe make his friends give him a brotherly hug but he felt that he would be annoying so he just kept quiet and be sad by himself.

“You are out of place today.” Lao gao continued when the boy didn’t reply. Luhan is someone who never fails to smiles and joke but today he had been too quiet. “Qian Ya rejected you yesterday uh?”

Shaking his head, Luhan spoke softly as he stared ahead at the girl. “I didn’t even confess. I failed the audition.”

“It doesn’t matter if you failed the audition, just go ahead and confess already! You two had been going out all this time, I’m sure she likes you too!”

“I.. can’t.” Luhan sighed. Qian Ya deserved someone much better and he wanted to achieve something before he claim her as his.

Lao-gao sighed at his friend’s low confidence. He didn’t understand how could someone as good looking as Luhan have such low self-esteem. Patting his best friend’s shoulder, he encouraged, “It’s okay. We are going to Korea for exchange anyway. Qian Ya and you will be separated if you succeeded yesterday.”

The mention of the exchange made Luhan feel a tinge better. Since Qian Ya and him would be separated for 6 months during the exchange, probably it would be better that they didn’t start their relationship now. And maybe, the separation would make their hearts grow fonder. “You’re right. I will do it after we come back.”

“So you can be in your honeymoon phase and stick together all day round huh?” Lao-gao rubbed the goosebumps that formed on his hand before walking away. “Eeyer, too lovey-dovey to my liking.”

Scenes of Qian Ya and him walking around the campus and the streets hand in hand made his stomach flipped in excitement. Throwing his backpack over his back, he ran towards the group happily.

“Where are we going for lunch today?”

-

That night, Bixue appeared in the Lu’s mansion with 2 bags in her hand. The helpers in the household offered to help her but she shook her head stubbornly, insisting that she want to carry it to Luhan’s room herself.

“Hello.” She popped her head through the door.

“Xue!” Luhan stood up from his studying table and walk towards the room right away. When he saw the bags in Bixue’s hands, he asked. “What are those?”

“For you.” Bixue put the 2 bags in the middle of the room and Luhan opened them right away. In one of the bags, it consists of comics, video tapes, games and food.

“It’s all my favourite!” He chirped happily as he opened the other bag in anticipation. When Bixue saw his smile, her lips hooked up in sync. She had succeeded in cheering him up but what she didn’t know was that she had succeeded in making him forget about the unhappiness once again.

Because even Luhan himself didn’t even realize it.

“Wow.” Luhan pulled out the canvas that was in the other bag. On the canvas was a sketch of him, standing on a stage singing with a mic. In front of him was a sea of crowd, listening to him sing.

“This is my first time sketching a person on a canvas. I know it’s not very nice…”

“Who said it’s not very nice?” Luhan’s eyes twinkled at the drawing. It was so well-drawn that he felt as if he was really onstage singing to these people. It had also managed to ignite something in him again; his dream to sing.

“Xue..” Placing the canvas in the most eye-catching spot in the room, he turned over to the girl. “I will continue my dream. I won’t give up.”

Nodding her head, Bixue agreed on his positive attitude proudly. “If you never chase your dream, you’ll never catch them.”

However, the next sentence that Luhan said made her regret her words right away.  “I’m going to Korea next month for a 6 months exchange.”

“6 months..?” Bixue looked up at him worriedly. He was going to leave for 6 months, and she had to be separated from him for 180 days. Overseas calls were too expensive, how are they going to talk? She didn’t want him to go but she was also the one that asked him to chase his dream.

Biting her lower lips, she asked the burning question that she was dying to know. “What about… Qian Ya?”

“She’s going to Shanghai instead.” Luhan replied as he sat on his bed, signalling Bixue to sit beside him. She sat beside him and heard him sigh. “Distance will make the heart grow fonder right Xue?”

With a sad smile, she nodded her head in agreement. She wasn’t sure if it would make Qian Ya’s heart fonder but it would definitely make hers fonder. Because when she sent Luhan to the airport on the day of his departure and watch him interact with Bixue, that smile, that twinkle in his eyes just hurts her. It hurts so much seeing him with her and it hurts her even more when his eyes were not on her. His departure made her cried last night but he probably didn’t care and it scares her how much she cares and how much he didn’t.

“Are you okay?” Lao-gao noticed Bixue’s tears that was behind her eyes but the girl quickly blinked it away and nodded her head with a comforting smile. Even though everything happened within seconds, he saw the everything with his own eyes and he shook his head.

It wasn’t the first time he had noticed Bixue’s odd behaviour whenever Luhan was with Qian Ya. He was not stupid to realize what was happening between the trio. In fact, he had even questioned Luhan about the friendship Bixue and him shared. But the male almost shrug it off saying they are just childhood friends. Lao-gao felt sad for Bixue that Luhan never turned back to look her way once. If only Luhan could see the way Bixue looks at him, maybe he would fall in love with her too. Bixue’s love for Luhan is definitely bigger than Qian Ya’s or she wouldn’t push the boy she loves into the arms of another girl.

“I got to go.” Luhan told his group of friends who came to send him off, including Bixue. He hugged the boys one by one and stopped in front of Bixue.

Bixue looked up at the boy, trying to memorise every little part of his face because she knew she would definitely miss him over the next 6 months. The thought of not being able to talk to him made her feel crying already. That moment where he looked back at her, she almost confess that she loves him, almost.

Looking into her eyes, Luhan clenched his fist to stop himself from pulling Bixue into a hug like how he did to others. He couldn’t because Qian Ya was looking at him. He could not afford to let Qian Ya to be mistaken so he could only turn around to leave without telling her anything. They were not supposed to hug anyway, Bixue is his best friend not his girlfriend.

But Bixue is definitely a girl he couldn’t mention to the girl he wants to love. 

Sorry for the lack of updates recently. School started and I'm trying to get used to it. I will still continue writing but updates would definitely be slower now. Sorry about it.

Enjoy!