Psychology says that people tend to value memories more than the actual person you shared the memory with.

You may think you miss that person, but in reality what it is, is you miss the memories, not the actual person.

People change, memories don’t.

16^th February 2015

 “I’m okay.” Jiyong pushed away Taeyang’s hand and walked towards his car. His thoughts were like a tsunami and he could feel himself drowning completely and helplessly.

“Ji…” Daesung took a step forward to stopped him. All of them had a horrible fear of him because they sensed that he was alone. And he was shutting them out once again. However, Taeyang held onto him and shook his head.

“He needs some time alone.”

“But…”

“Nothing would happen to him.” Taeyang replied confidently, “Haewon is still alive, so will he.”

-

With his left hand on the steering wheel, he rested his head into right hand. The pressure on his foot increased as he sped down the streets of Seoul. The words and names he saw on the newspaper whirled in his head and he sighed. He kind of knew what was coming when Seungri handed him the newspaper wasn’t it? The feeling resembled how the air hangs before a storm.

Heavy.

But he was a lightning rod in the empty field. He tried to run away, he truly did. It came at him so fast, and the effects left him wondering if he was dead or alive. He felt no difference.

If he had known that the kiss before Haewon left to buy dinner for him that would be their last kiss, he would have kissed her longer. If he had known that the fight they had 2 days before she went missing was their last fight, he would have spoken softer. If he knew about their last hug, their last laugh and the last time he would fall asleep in his arms, he would’ve cherished it harder than before. Because he never knew once he loses someone, it’s never exactly the same person who comes back.

He glanced at the phone beside him and he picked it up slowly. He searched for that familiar yet foreign name and tapped on it lightly, the call went through. He needed her to know that he still loves her. He never did stop, not for one gasping second. His love for her is unconditional, and it will never end as long as he lives.

He wants to tell her that he hadn’t find another and he refuse to find another because he has the one he wants. He never stopped thinking about her so he held his breath, waiting to hear her familiar voice again but it went straight to the voice mail. Swerving his car to the right, he stopped by the highway and leaned into his headrest.

The pain is everywhere and there was nothing he could do. He could not go and look for her when SM and YG were flooded with reporters and raging fans. He didn’t know if she knew but he was worried about her well-being if she did.

Then, something struck him and he sped down the highway immediately. Whenever they quarrelled or fought, Haewon has the habit of going out for air and Jiyong was able to find her everytime. Because she would be at the same spot, the one under the bridge right across their house. The place where they kissed and made up a lot of times. The place where they would return home hand in hand as a loving couple again.

So if Jieun is feeling the same way as him, she would be there too right? Since subconsciously, she is Haewon.

Jiyong hopped out of his car and shut his car door, he ran towards that familiar spot and his feet froze when he was a distance away. He is right, Jieun is Haewon and she remembers this place. Walking up to her slowly, he sat beside her quietly. Until Jieun lifted up her eyes then he smiled at her, with tears b in his eyes.

“I believe.. your soul and my soul are very old friends.” He choked out, tears escaping his eyes. He still wants her as much as he wanted her before, and even now, he looked at her like it’s the first time.

Jieun looked at him, her eyes were dazed and she didn’t know what to reply him. She didn’t even know how he find her when she didn’t know how did she even make her way here. All she remembered was running out of the building after reading what was in the brown envelope and she didn’t stop till she reached the bus stop. She lost track of how long she had sat till she saw a bus with the number 928 that looked strangely familiar then she boarded. And she reached here without realising how.

She knew he was right, because she is Haewon, his Haewon. And not Jieun, Jongin’s Jieun.

It was crazy, how wrong she could be about Jongin. All of the things he said were like a mask, it hid the truth and ripped her apart. How could he do this to her? How could he be the first person to teach her that she is worth both everything, and nothing. And out of all the people that could have hurt her, why on earth it has to be him?

Jiyong watch Jieun’s tears fall, one after another and it hurt him looking at her hurt. His hand instinctively reached out wanting to pull her into a hug but it froze halfway.

Two years later, he finally found Haewon and she sits beside him. She didn’t say a word and her heart didn’t ache for him anymore. Her hair was longer than it had ever been and she was even more beautiful than the day she left him. At the moment he panics, he lost her; she is in love with someone else.

They knew each other in a way they no longer were and probably never would be again. Being a stranger is hard, but being a stranger, when he was so impossibly close is unbearable.

He loves her but he no longer knows what to do.

“You.. shouldn’t stay here for too long. You will catch a cold.” He sniffed and broke the silence.

“It’s okay.” Jieun wiped away her tears and smiled bitterly, “I have nowhere to go anymore.”

She could no longer return to the Kims. She could no longer return to Jongin. She could never be what they want her to; Jieun. They pulled her under, to save themselves.

“You can always come home.” Jiyong replied instinctively before correcting himself again, “You can.. always come to my house.”

“There’s a room, I.. I think you will like it.”

Neither did Jiyong have the words to make her feel better, nor did he have the arms to give her a hug. All he has is a heart; a heart that’s aching to see her smile again. And a heart that wants nothing but her to be safe and sound.

Although he is in love in dead memories and the memories they shared felt like a dagger in his chest, but somehow, they are still his favourite bitter sweet thought. He is love with her, and if she stays, there’s no safer place in the world than right here with him.

“I wouldn’t disturb you. If you want I can even move to my office and sleep.” Jiyong started to panic, he didn’t want to lose her again. “You can stay there for as long as you like.”

Upon seeing Jieun shook her head, Jiyong lowered his eyes instinctively.

“You don’t have to go to the office.” Jieun replied softly. “I will take that room.. just for tonight.”

“No no it’s okay! You can stay for as long as you like!” Jiyong face lit up immediately and grabbed her hand hand instinctively. As long as she was willing to come with him, he would be there for her through it all; even if saving her sends him to heaven.

“Come with me and you’ll be safe.”

Jiyong led Jieun back into their house and he brought her to the room where she found him previously. He didn’t say anything further but just closed the door and told her he would be outside if she needed anything.

Jieun walked around the room, her fingers running across the vanity and cupboard. Now she knew why she knew where to find him when she first stepped into this house. It was her home afterall. Picking up the photo that was sitting on the vanity, Jieun stared at the boy and the girl who were smiling so widely, tears falling uncontrollably once again.

She can’t remember and Jiyong can’t forget.

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