I am so sorry to all the people I hurt while I was hurting.

3^rd December 2014

“Unnie, Kai can’t take the interview next week. He has a photoshoot and recording to do that day. It would be too pack for him.”

“What about the next day?”

“It’s not possible. He needs to practice for his solo comeback.” Jieun lied to the lady before her, clearing his schedule on behalf on him even though his whole day was scheduled to be free.

3 months was all it took to scare her to see how her cousin is living so unemotionally everyday. Was this how he had been living? Walking around numb and danced till he collapse to the ground every single day. She wasn’t sure why was he living like that or rather did he live at all, because it didn’t look like he ever did.

With a sigh, the lady replied. “But it’s very hard to push them off.”

“Don’t worry, I will do it.” Jieun comforted her before excusing herself to leave. Walking over to the table where the food was, she picked up a box of spaghetti and pasted something over it before walking towards the other end of the room.

“Kyungsoo Oppa.”

Kyungsoo looked up from his phone to see his favourite chicken chop spaghetti before him. On top of the box has a post it with a familiar looking handwriting that wrote, finish it!

“You know I can’t finish all of that.” He frowned at her as usual. She is fast to catch his bad habit of leaving his box of food unfinished and since then she had been nagging at him to finish his food. Although it was annoying, it was heartwarming too; it had been a while since someone nagged at him like that.

“You have to. Or else you won’t have energy for practice later.” Jieun nagged as usual. “Our lead singer needs strength!”

“Hahah, I will try, for the sake of our sunshine.” Kyungsoo opened up his box of food and started digging in. He watched how the girl left him alone and went back to the table to get another packet of food before sticking on a post it. She then took out a packet of medicine from her pocket and placed it on top of the box carefully.

Walking behind her, Kyungsoo spoke up. “Kai is old enough to take his own medicine. Let him do it himself.”

“You know how forgetful he is. I rather remind him than watch him suffer for practice later.”

In Kyungsoo’s eyes, Jieun is no longer the girl that Jongin knocked down and that all of them felt indebted to. When he first brought her in, they didn’t know how to face her. Jongin wasn’t the only who felt so, all of them didn’t know how to so they chose to avoid her like he did. However, the girl before him melted them with her sincerity and enthusiasm in looking after not only Jongin but all of them when she didn’t had to. Like what Sehun calls her, Sunshine Eunnie; her bright smile and thoughtfulness extended beyond sticking post it with an encouragement note to everything she hands to Exo.

“Jongin is lucky to have you as his personal assistant.”

“Yeah he is. Just that he doesn’t know how to appreciate.” Sehun interrupted as he walked towards them emptying his bottle of water down his throat. “All he does is ignore our Sunshine.”

Walking up to Jieun, he showed her the empty bottle with the pink post it that wrote, rewarding the person who finishes it.

“I’m here to claim my reward.”

“Why is it that Sehun has reward and I don’t?” Kyungsoo complained as he snatched the empty bottle from the younger and asked Jieun as he scrutinized the post it. “You’re so unfair.”

“Because Jieun likes me better!” Putting his arms around Jieun’s shoulder, Sehun announced proudly.

“Well well..” Jieun interrupted the two boys as she picked up another bottle of water from the table and placed it in Sehun and Kyungsoo’s hands.

Turning to them, she pointed to the bottles of water behind her. “Your rewards are here, free flow. Help yourself.”

“You’re so cheeky now huh Kim Jieun.” Sehun pretended to be angry and pinched her cheeks.

Copying his actions, Jieun turned to the male and did the same to him with her two hands. “You’re bullying me now huh Oh Sehun.”

“So what I am?” Letting go of her cheeks, Sehun rubbed it gently with his thumb and Jieun scrunched her nose playfully at him. That moment, he couldn’t see anything else except her. His gaze instantly turned soft as he smiled back at her. He is his sunshine, his only sunshine.

“I will drive you home later?”

“Not today. I won’t be leaving so early.” Jieun shook her head. She was no longer the clueless Kim Jieun who doesn’t even know what shirt size does Kai wear. She memorized his schedule at the back of her hands and she even knew what he does or where he is during his free time. She knew better that her cousin would definitely continue practicing after this. She often wonders how he survives that little amount of sleep and with that amount of pain that was hurting him. With his solo comeback approaching, she is beginning to worry about his health.

A pair of big goldfish eyes darted back and forth from the male to the girl and back to the male again, He watched in shock at how Sehun displayed physical touch so openly and the girl didn’t struggle away. They resembled a teenage couple in love; madly in love with each other.

Kyungsoo awkwardly nodded his head and spun around, sending spoons of spaghetti into his mouth as he walked to the sofa in another room.

“Am I invisible or what?”

-

“Good job guys!”

“Good job everyone!”

Kai bowed and wiped away the sweat that was all over his face, just when he looked up he saw the last thing he wanted to see. Her.

The suffocation in his chest rose once again, depriving him of air as he struggled to breathe. Closing his eyes wasn’t going to change anything anymore. Nothing was going to disappear just because he couldn’t see what was going on. He couldn’t make her disappear because like what his sister had said, it was his mistake, he should bear it himself. It was his punishment and he deserved to feel like this. All he hoped for was that maybe one day he would suffocate to death.

“Have a good night everyone!” Kai watched Jieun bowed at the rest of the members and walked up to him with bottles of water in hand, wearing that smile that he just stared at it emptily. It’s not that he doesn’t feel the pain, it’s just that he is not afraid of hurting anymore. “Water?”

Shaking his head, Kai headed towards the stereo instead, leaving Jieun and the bottle of water hanging in mid-air. The girl bit her lower lips as she slowly lowered her hand.

“Can I have it instead?” Sehun walked up to her briskly before she could turn around to leave and took the water to drink instead. “I’m very thirsty.”

Jieun smiled at Sehun weakly, thankful that he covered that awkwardness. Although it wasn’t Kai’s first time rejecting her like this, it still didn’t feel good to be ignored this way by someone who is her relative.

“By the way I’m sending Jieun home later.” Sehun announced loudly, earning a few weird glances from the rest of the members who were packing up. From the way he was saying it, it wasn’t hard for others to think otherwise. He winked at them secretively and they gave him a thumbs-up sign, supporting him in going after their sunshine. “Just want to inform you.”

Kai acknowledged with a simple nod as he pressed the play button on the stereo. He didn’t wait for the members to clear the room, he started to dance all by himself. All of them shook their head disapprovingly, unsure of what to do with him. They knew that Kai finds it a lot easier to not let the world know what’s wrong but he failed to realize that it only hurts whenever he pretends that it doesn’t. They would very much rather their second youngest brother cry or bug them everyday about how guilty he feels rather than holding it in. But, there was a limit to how many times they could reach out to him if he keeps pushing them away.

“Shall we go?” Sehun asked Jieun gently.

“I think you go ahead. I will wait for Kai. He still wants to practice.”

Sehun looked over at Kai who stopped dancing as he closed his eyes to catch his breadth when he heard what Jieun said. He walked over and switched off the stereo. With his low and thick voice, he instructed without turning to face her, “Just go.”

“Is okay, I will just wait for you.”

“Just go.” Kai closed his eyes and held his lower back. The searing pain was like thousands of needles piercing his lower back and it hurts. It hurts so badly and all he wanted was her to leave him alone. He didn’t want to see her, he didn’t want to get reminded of the car crash, he didn’t want to get reminded that she is his living mistake. Why couldn’t he just let him run away for the night? He deserved this temporary escape after enduring for 3 months right?

“No it’s okay, I will just wait for you. Just in case you need anything.” Jieun put down her bag on the sofa at the corner of the room and took her seat. From the way he was clutching his lower back, there was no way she would leave him alone in here. She promised the Kim sisters and her aunt that she would take good care of him. Saein had told her yesterday that he collapsed in Kamong’s dance studio yesterday night and the elder found him sleeping on the hard ground while holding his injured waist.

“I said just go! Why can’t you just leave me alone?!”

Everyone in the room froze as they stared at the boy who just raised his voice. It had been quite some time since they last saw him lose his temper, but they were more shocked at the person he shouted at; the innocent Jieun. “You don’t have to stick by me 24/7 you know that? Just do what you need to do and leave!”

“I…I’m suppose to accompany you.. that’s.. that’s my job anyway. I promise I won’t disturb you, I just want to make sure you are okay.” Jieun replied softly.

“Don’t need. Just leave!!”

“What the is your problem?” Sehun couldn’t take it any longer. He walked up to Jieun and instinctively put her behind him. He had been tolerating how Kai had been treating Jieun. He can pretend that he didn’t see him ignoring her or turning her kind offers down, but he cannot act that he didn’t hear him scream at her in front of so many staffs and their members.  “Jieun is just being concern about you! How can you treat your cousin like that?”

“I seriously despise people who throws their temper on people who are being genuinely concern about them.”

“People like you.”

Grabbing Jieun’s hands, he comforted the girl who had her head hung low, “If he doesn’t appreciate you, then he doesn’t deserve you. Let’s leave”

However, when Sehun pulled her hands to walk away, she shook her head and held him back.

“You were not like this last time Kai. You’ve changed.” Suho frowned at him.

“Yeah, Jieun was just worried about you. You don’t have to shout at her like this.” Kyungsoo added as he shook his head disapprovingly.

Closing his eyes once again, how Kai wished the Exo members would disappear as well. His friends didn’t understand how he feels at all. They didn’t understand the guilt and suffocation that overwhelms him whenever he sees her, he had reached the state that he feels like he will go crazy if this continues. Just let him run away once more, and for the last time.

“Where are you going?” Suho asked as Kai pushed passed him, leaving the room like nothing had happened.

Since Jieun is not going to disappear, then he would.

“Away.”

As some of you may know, Luhan is my third bias in Exo so I was really upset/happy when I knew that he left. My friend and I knew about the rumour before it was confirmed and we were already hoping it will not be true. Well, it still happened. I am happy that Luhan gets to rest and do things that he likes without being restricted by SM. Most importantly he gets to be with his family which I think its something very important to him. I am sad that I will not see him in Exo anymore and hearing his voice in Exo's songs just makes me sigh. 

Before it was confirmed that Luhan was leaving SM, my friend and I had been observing how Exo was behaving. Their behavior seemed pretty normal. Kai went out to the arcade in Japan, and so did Suho, Tao and Yeol. Exo went on a gathering before that at Yeol's father's restaurant. To me, they seemed like they knew Luhan was leaving or they were prepared for it which I don't know if I should feel happy about it. 

Nonetheless, I will still support Luhan because he left after enduring through all the concerts. I would be dedicating a fic to him in addition to the spinoff of flawless imperfection (Luhan's version) so keep a lookout for it in the coming few weeks.

One more exam to go and I'm can write freely. Wish me luck and be patient!

Enjoy!