We try so hard to hide everything we’re really feeling from those who probably need to know our true feeling the most. People try to bottle up their emotions, as if it’s somehow wrong to have natural reactions to life.

8^th August 2014

It was probably the 30^th time the song, Let me know had been playing in the background and Kai just kept dancing to it, moving every part of his body to the music. He used to love dancing to this song so much but he could no longer. Dance had become a reminder to him that he is still alive, and breathing even though he spent a lot of time wondering if it would matter if he died.

Sweat dripped from his wet hair as he panted to catch his breadth when the song came to a perfect end. Every joint in his body screamed pain and every cell of his body hurt, but he couldn’t bring himself to stop dancing; he needed to continue. However, his legs gave way almost immediately as he crumbled onto the floor, clutching his waist, he couldn’t feel the searing pain anymore. Picking himself up, he limped over to the stereo and played the song again. He stood in front of the mirror, preparing to dance to it once more as he panted hard.

He remembers that in the past, when he’s upset, he would shut himself down using dance just like this. Back then, he has no motivation for anything else, and he tells himself that nobody cares even though he knows some do. He thinks about all of the negative things he could possibly think of and he give himself all the pain, thinking he deserve it. He is not sure why he does that, but that’s just how he is. However, this is practically how he is living now.

Just as he was about to enter the first chorus of the dance, his alarm went off, signaling that it was 4am. Walking over to pick his things up, he pulled his cap over and switched off the lights of the practise room as he made his way towards the exit. How he wished he didn’t need to be at the airport at 6am, he wanted to just keep dancing, even though his body didn’t allow it.

Walking down the almost deserted corridor, Kai held onto his hurting waist. When he is unhappy, everything in the world – eating, sleeping and even dancing, has something buried inside it that just makes him unhappier. Even the sight of her could no longer cheer him up. How he wished that he didn’t bump into her instead.

On the opposite end of the corridor stood a girl with black hair in almost the same state as he was in; sweat-drenched hair, hurting joints and aching back. On such a quiet night, they couldn’t avoid one another like they always had. Despite being on two different end of the corridor, they could still see each other’s eyes clearly and neither of them could look away. The burning gaze that they held within them consisted of more than just love.

Kai’s eyes widened, surprised to see her here at this hour when he thought he was the only one in the office. Till he saw the brightly lit practise room beside her, then it reminded him how similar they were. The girl gave him a weak smile but he turned away immediately, heading towards the emergency staircase instead.

He swore to god, everytime she smiles, it boils him to a point that he has to look away because it’s so hauntingly beautiful that it hurts his heart. He knows, he has no ability to own that smile and by running away, he hopes that she can find someone she can’t live without and he hopes she never have to know what is it like to have to try and live without them. Like him.

“Jongin!” Pushing open the emergency exit door, Seulgi called his name with her trembling voice and she saw him froze, with his back facing her.

Biting her lower lips, she walked nearer to him. The sight of his backview alone was enough to make her heart flutter in an aching way. Slipping a box of pain- killers into his hands, she whispered. “I know it hurts.”

She knows that he is in pain, she knows it from the way he is biting his lower lips. She knows that the pain-killers wouldn’t be able to stop the pain, but she hopes that it would lessen it. Even if he was to find her nosy, she couldn’t act like she didn’t care, like she didn’t feel anything. She was not sure how he does that, but she just couldn’t do that to him.

Maybe she’s just really in love with him, or maybe she’s just really stupid. It doesn’t matter because either way, she still loses. As much as she wanted to see herself through his eyes, she was happy that he held the box in his hands even though he didn’t even turn around to look at her. Slowly walking away, Seulgi gulped hard. Why is it that she just couldn’t get over him when they had nothing. It was stupid of her to be holding on, but she just couldn’t help herself. She really missed those days where they used to talk everyday and she often wonders if those butterflies in his stomach are still alive, because hers are.

Till the staircase door closed then Kai allowed himself to look at the crumpled box in his hands, tears blurring his vision. Just because they didn’t talk, didn’t mean that he doesn’t think about her. He was just trying to distance himself because he knows he can’t have her. God knows how he was dying to pull her into a hug and pressed her into his body earlier but he controlled. For years, he had been dying to do that, to hug her and to whisper sweet nothings to her just so he could see that breadth-taking smile of hers. But no, he can’t. She doesn’t deserve someone like him so please let her forget him soon.

If things didn’t happen 2 years ago, maybe they would be very happy together. Busking in the happiness of love, enjoying the thrills of late night dating like his group members and their girlfriends. Now, he could only accept the fact that she has to stay in his heart but not in his life, just like how they are meant to fall in love with each other but not be with one another.

Keeping the box of medicine safely in his bag, Kai wiped the corner of his eyes as he made his way down the steps. He hoped that she would never come to know that he loves her despite not being together. Even though he will never get to laugh with her, cry with her, or kiss her, he still loves her with all his heart.

He could only pray that maybe one day Seulgi and him will meet again when they are different people.

Maybe someday they will be two people meeting again for the first time.

Maybe then they will be better for each other.

Maybe.

Yehet,my one week worth of school holidays started yesterday!

Hopefully I will have more time to write! And, I can't wait for TLP. It's happening in 13 days! OMG! ><

Oh, and nini took a scooter today. My friend and I laughed at him for quite some time. He's really one of a kind but I still love you Kkamjong.

P.S: I have thoughts of starting a new fic and also rewriting my old fics (dancing machines).