Sometimes you want to remember.

And sometimes, you need to forget.

16^th August 2014

“Doctor said the chances are very low.”

“It would be a miracle in the medical world if I ever regain my memory.

Jieun’s voice sounded incredibly cheery when she said that, and guilt started to eat him once again, making him feel worst than before. Initially, Kai simply felt bad for snapping at Sehun earlier and leaving him at the living room alone. Just as he was about to go down to look for him, he overheard the dreadful conversation between Sehun and Jieun. He couldn’t believe that Jieun was actually happy about it.

That moment, he swore it felt like life had thrown a pie right in his face and that pie was full of bricks, it ing hurts; Jieun will never remember anything afterall. He would most probably be stuck with her for the rest of his life.

Slowly walking back to his room, his feet kicked on a box outside his door. He picked it up, and staggered back into his room helplessly, placing the nth box of muscle relaxant on his studying table with the many others. He knew it was from her and he knows she is nice but he couldn’t help to feel the way he is feeling.

Everytime he looks at her, he feels terribly tired. The sight of her alone brings back thousands of memories that he doesn’t want to remember. That suffocation in his chest chokes him, making him feel like dying than to lead such a life. How he wished he could be the one losing his memories instead. Then maybe, he wouldn’t be suffering so badly now.

Sitting on the edge of the bed, Kai pulled out a box from underneath his bed. With his shaking hands, he opened the box, and tears blurred his vision right away. Opening that box is like releasing a part of his memory he had locked deep within him because he doesn’t want to remember any of it.

Despite the blurry image, he could still a plain white dress that was stained with blood despite being washed many times already. Beside it sat a pink wallet and a phone with its screen cracked into many pieces, like his heart. With his shivering hands, he switched on the phone and the phone came to life almost immediately, vibration could be heard in his silent room alongside with his sniffs.

[New text message/3.16am]

I’m drunk and I know I told you I won’t drink anymore. I’m sorry.

[New text message/8.07am]

Are you up? I miss you.

[New text message/8.09am]

A lot.

[New text message/12.09pm]

I wish you were here.

[New text message/7.34pm]

I can’t make music without your help..

[New text message/12.22am]

I need you. Please call me back.

Tears fall as Kai read every single message that was being sent to the broken phone. In the background he could see a picture of a guy and girl hugging one another, the guy had his face buried in her shoulders but one could still his wide gummy smile with their interlinked hands. Once again, he felt suffocated as he pressed his hand on his chest, catching his breadth with his tears falling to the wooden floor like raindrops.

“I’m sorry…” Kai mumbled as the phone kept vibrating, sending messages to the intended recipient. He wasn’t alone afterall, he wasn’t the only one who didn’t feel like living in this sickening world. He could understand how much that person wanted to hear the voice of the person he loves, for he could still hear Seulgi’s smile over the phone.

“I can’t wait to see you later.” Seulgi’s voice was as silvery as he last remembered. Despite 2 years had passed, he could still remember how excited she sounded over the phone then. Now, everything had become a painful memory that he couldn’t afford to reminisce anymore

“Me too. I can’t wait to see you.” Kai pressed his phone in his ear as he checked himself in the reflection, adjusting his shirt. A satisfied grin plastered on his boyish face. “I have something to tell you later.”

“Really? What is it?”

“I will tell you later when I see you.” Grabbing his car keys, he headed out of the door. “See you later Seul.”

“See you Jong.”

Kai boarded the car he borrowed from his manager after much begging, he was all already. Checking his reflection against the rearview mirror for the last time, he stepped on his right gear as he whistled and drove down the empty streets of Seoul. Despite having his debut performance less than 4 hours away, he managed to squeeze out some time to spend it with his favourite girl. Today, April 8^th will definitely be his best day in his life because not only will he officially debut as Exo K’s Kai but he would also make her officially his.

But he was so wrong,

Right after he made a left turn into the main-street, the green light turned orange, signaling him to prepare to stop. Glancing at the analog clock, he was half an hour ahead of Seulgi and his meeting time, but he wanted to reach the place as fast as he could to prepare for his surprise for her. His heart was already fluttering at the thought of her saying yes. All he could see was her smiling back at him as they hugged at their usual dating spot, maybe if the moment was right, he could kiss her too. With that, he subconsciously increased the pressure on his right footing till a loud bang brought him back to reality.

When he finally grasped what happened, all he saw was a girl laying motionlessly a few metres ahead. In the empty street of Seoul, the driver of the accident stood by a girl who laid in a pool of blood, his hands trembling in fear as he picked up his phone and called for help.

Then, everything afterwards happened in a flash that he could barely register. He watched how the girl was being reeled into the ambulance and his manager drove him from the accident site to the hospital afterwards as they waited outside the operating theatre in silence; totally forgetting about how Seulgi was waiting for him by the Han River. He only remembered how badly his hand was stained with the girl’s blood then, and no matter how many times he washed them, his hands still remained bloody red; even till this day.

The management screamed at him for the mess they had to clean up for him. If it wasn’t that he was going to debut that afternoon, they would have terminated his contract right away. With that, they had no choice but to pay the paramedics and hospital staffs for them to seal their lips as they left for his debut stage, leaving the girl to fight for her life in the intensive care unit alone.

The fear and guilt that ate the innocent 18-year old boy made him cry and cry, till he was all empty. Since then, he went for music shows, interviews and photoshoots soullessly, it seemed like it had become a habit since then. The dream he worked so hard for for the past few years, disappeared overnight; he lost the motivation and ability to enjoy performing. And when the girl was finally awake after 2 weeks coma, he walked into her ward with his manager in front of him, to see the girl he nearly killed for the first time. He was glad that she was finally awake.

“Are you all Cha Haewon’s family members?” The doctor turned around to ask after checking the girl.

Kai couldn’t bring himself to nod or shake his head, his entire body was numbed as he stood there. He could only stare at the girl who was blinking her eyes at him. Fear started to enshroud him as he was afraid that she might recognize him as the driver who knocked her down.

“Yeah we are.” Seeing that Kai has no respond, his manager took the initiative to answer for him.

“The patient is out of her critical period, but we will keep her in the intensive care unit for further observation.”

“Thank you doctor.”

“But..” The doctor looked at the two men seriously, “I’m afraid the impact of the accident had caused her to lost part of her memory. We are not sure the extent of the damage yet but we will keep observing.”

“Do you… really not remember anything?” Kai finally found his voice and asked the girl who was laying on the bed. She was still blinking her eyes innocently at him.

“Who are you?” The girl opened her voice for the first time.

“Do you remember what happened?” The manager asked her back worriedly. For him, it would be better if she forgets everything; including the accident. It would be the best if she doesn’t remember anything for the rest of this life. Then, both Exo and Kai would be save. Or, he would be in deep trouble.

Shaking her head, the girl stared at them blankly. “I.. don’t even remember what’s my name.”

“Oh my god..” Kai gasped but he was hushed by his manager right away. The older turned around and warned him lowly, “Keep your mouth shut while I clean your for you.”

Walking closer to the girl, Kai’s manager smiled warmly as he sat on her bed and took her hand in his. “Your name is Kim Jieun.”

“You are Jieun.”

Pointing towards Kai, his manager continued. “And you are Kim Jongin’s distant cousin.”

Is everything much clearer now?

Some of you guys managed to guess it from the last chapter, good job!

I'm sorry but I won't be able to update MDIAS today. I wrote the chapter halfway and I just recovered from migraine yesterday so I'm still too tired to write.

Anw, TLP is tomorrow and the boys are in Singapore! Oh my goddddd, I'm so excited to see them tomorrow.

Anyone going tomorrow??