Time doesn’t heal. But it relieves.

8^th December 2014

[From : Jongin]

Can you come to the practice room now?

Jieun held onto the railing and panted hard, one more level to go, she convinced herself. Taking in a deep breadth, she ran up the steps, two at a time and pulled open the door. She ran towards the last room on this level with her heart thumping like crazy, gripping onto her phone tightly. 

Her imagination started to run wild the moment she received the text from him. Pictures of Jongin lying on the floor, clutching his lower back as he groaned in pain came to her mind right away. This was the first time he had ever texted her. The first time in 3 months but the message didn’t give Jieun any good feelings so she left halfway through the dinner with Sehun. Her sixth sense told her that something wasn’t right, or he wouldn’t text her.

Upon running into the dance studio, her eyes automatically shifted to the floor but there wasn’t anyone. She heaved a sigh of relief instantly, glad that Jongin wasn’t hurting like she had pictured. Walking into the studio, she looked around for the male but he was nowhere to be found. The plainly decorated dance studio was empty except for the familiar looking pink post-it that was pasted on the mirrors that seemed out of the place caught her eyes. She didn’t remember pasting any post-it there.

Supper’s on the table. 

Jieun took down the post-it and walked towards the table. Just like what it stated, there was food on the table and it was her favourite food – Jjampong. On top of the box stuck another post-it that had her name written on it. She squealed in delight as she salivated at the sight of it. Even though she was still full from the dinner with Sehun, she couldn’t resist the aroma of the spicy seafood soup. 

“I will eat well!” 

Hiding behind the door, Kai watched the girl slurped on the soup the moment she opened the cover and she dug in happily like a little girl. She was grinning from ear to ear as she chewed on the noodle, clearly satisfied at the Jjampong’s taste just like how his mother had told him. She said that Jieun loves Jjampong a lot and she looks like the happiest girl on earth whenever she eats it. From her smile, Kai realized that it was actually this easy to make her happy. All he needed to do was a bowl of Jjampong and she would be happy. How he wished happiness is this easy for him too.

He quietly opened the door and approached the girl slowly. For the past few days, he had been feeling guilty for raising his voice at her. The guilt he bore had always been there but he didn’t want to be trapped anymore. He felt that maybe if he had admitted things more often, he would be happier. In a sense, he is a prisoner of the unpleasant memories, fear and disappointment. He didn’t want to be defined by something he can’t change anymore and the only way is to apologize.

The girl who was enjoying her noodles didn’t even realize the male who had entered the studio. Till he sat down opposite her then she looked up at him with filled with noodle, blinking her eyes, surprised at his presence.

“Eat.” Kai told her lightly and she obeyed, nodding her head and kept her head low as she ate her noodles. From the way she behaves, he knew that she was still scared of him. “I… wanna say something.” 

Jieun looked up at the male slowly, thinking that he would be giving her instructions for work so she put her noodle back down on the table.

“I.. erm… just wanna say..” Scratching his neck awkwardly, Kai found it difficult to let the intended words roll out of his tongue. Those 2 words are simple and he used to say it all the time when he was younger but as he got older, it became difficult because he is aware of what those words really mean. It wasn’t just an apology for screaming at her, it was an apology for knocking her down, for changing her life and for lying to her.

 “I’m… sorry.” 

“For?” Jieun blinked at him blankly, unsure why was he apologizing to her.

“For…” Everything. Kai replied mentally. “For screaming at you the other day.”

“You… did?” Jieun furrowed her eyebrows as she thought hard. “I don’t remember.”

“The other day.. when Exo members were around?”

“I.. really don’t remember, means its not important. Just forget it!” Jieun replied chirpily and she picked up her bowl of her noodles to slurp on the delicious soup.

“I.. don’t really know what’s going on with myself.” Kai mumbled softly. “Ever.”

“I think about dying but I don’t want to die. Not even close. In fact, my problem is the complete opposite. I want to live, I want to escape. I feel trapped and bored and claustrophobic. There’s so much to see and so much to do but I somehow still find myself doing nothing at all. I’m still here in this metaphorical bubble of existence and I can’t quite figure out what the hell I’m doing or how to get out of it.”

“Sometimes I wish I can forget about everything and start anew but I know I can’t. So I’m trying.. trying to be a better person.”

“I’m sorry…for whatever I did.”

Surprise at the amount of things her cousin were telling her, Jieun put down her food immediately. She wondered who hurt him so much that he started hating himself. Her diary was her best friend, hearing her out when she was upset so was it his friends who neglected him so he hated his own emotions? She didn’t want him to feel so with her. She wanted him to tell her everything. She wouldn’t run away no matter what he says. 

“You want to forget about the things in the past and start again?” Jieun asked him softly, earning Kai’s attention. “but has it ever occur to you that without a past self, are you still yourself?”

Kai stared at the girl blankly, processing her words. Without his past, would he realize how much his family loves him to lie for the sake of his dream? Would he learn that people would eventually stop reaching out to help you once they are tired? Would he have expected that his Exo members would agree to risk their career for his mistake?

“Is that why you had been keeping people out?”

Kai thought for a moment and he nodded slowly. Since he had decided to bleed for better reasons this year, he got to learn to face the pain. Face Jieun, face s and face his family.

“Isn’t it exhausting?” Jieun asked again and Kai nodded truthfully. “I know you have a stone in your heart, and some days it’s so heavy that there is nothing to be done. But you don’t have to be alone for it. You should have come to me. I will understand.”

“You… will?” Kai asked doubtfully but Jieun nodded confidently with a cheerful smile. 

“Yeah I will. I will ask you to tell yourself that tomorrow will be better.”

“But what if it’s not?” Kai was used to living everyday in pain, there was no one day that he would feel better.

“Then you say it again tomorrow! Because it might be. You never know, right? At some point, tomorrow will be better.”

“Tomorrow will be better..” Kai repeated after her words, and it miraculously, he felt lighter. Maybe it was her words, or maybe it was because he apologized. Either way, he could see a glimpse of light at the end of his own tunnel for the first time in many years; he was finally able to breathe.

“Yupp! I’m sure it will be!” Jieun beamed at him happily, glad that her cousin and her were getting closer.

“Jieun?”

“Hmmm?”

“Don’t ask my parents or sisters about what I like anymore. Just ask me anything you want.”

“Anything?” Jieun asked right away, the corner of her lips hooking higher than before. She climbed onto her knees and looked into Kai’s eyes excitedly. “Really anything?”

“Yeah.” Kai nodded his head.

“Then can I do makeup and your hairdo for you tomorrow? Taehyung Oppa and Minjung Unnie had been teaching me for the past few weeks. Please?” She begged excitedly but Kai just stared at her, surprised at her sudden change of behavior. Her bubbliness had managed to rub on him as he smiled unknowingly and nodded his head.

“As long as you don’t make me look uglier then yes.”

I updated my mac to Yosemite recently and guess what? My files were all gone! The Apple Centre resolve part of the issue and I managed to gain some of it back. Thank god I saved my fanfics on a hard drive! However I lost many apps and one chapter of TLB which I need to rewrite it again. ):

So I will update this fic first while I work on the other 2. I will take some time to update perfectly flawed. I wanna resolve my com's issue first before I plan it properly.