People do not die from suicide. They die from sadness.

21^st August 2014

 “Hi, are you all still open?” A passer pushed open the doors of Kamong and asked.

Nodding her head sleepily, Jieun hopped off the chair and walked towards the counter. The analog clock beside the counter jumped to 4:00am, showing that it was way past her usual bedtime and Kamong’s closing hour. Like what Saein instructed, she didn’t go anywhere and stayed in the café but Hyein was still nowhere in sight.

“Can I have a café mocha please.”

“Sure.”

As much as she was very tired, she didn’t know how to say no to a customer who walked right through the doors of Kamong. She wondered if Saein had passed the message to Hyein successfully, or did Hyein forget about locking the doors? How she wished she could give them a call but she had no cellphone and the store has no phoneline. All she could do was to wait patiently for Hyein to come, believing that she would.

Serving the cup of warm coffee to the lady before climbing up her chair once again, Jieun rested her head on her arms as her eyelid fought hard to stay open but she failed terribly; succumbing to the sleepiness that was drowning her right away.

-

Kai closed the door of his car behind him and made his way towards his escapism. He used to be able to numb himself behind the doors of SM’s dance studio, but he could no longer. He could not afford to bump into Seulgi especially when he knows that she still loves him. He still couldn’t accept the fact that things between them will never go back to how it used to be anymore. He refused to.

The keys in his hands lead to the 2^nd floor of his sister’s café where she had renovated the place into a private dance studio for him where he was the only one who had access. If it wasn’t for her, there was nowhere else he could run to to hide now. His house lived the consequence of his mistake and his office held a future he had no access to.

However, he didn’t know that the more he tried to run away from everything, the more he would have to face them. Or rather, her, because the moment he stepped foot into Kamong, he saw Jieun dozing off by the counter. The girl was sleeping so soundly that she didn’t even stir when he opened the door.

Walking near her, he observed her sleeping face. This was the only time he had the courage to look at her. His thoughts trailed back to the person who had been sending messages to her phone, he wondered if the person felt like dying too. He wondered if the person forced himself to get up like him, forced himself to put one foot before the other while crying and cursing at life because that’s how he goes about the business of living. That’s how he survive everyday, there’s no other way.  

“Ji…” Kai gulped hard at her name, unable to let it roll out of his tongue. He had never called her by her name before and he found it difficult to. Using his hands, he gently tapped the girl to wake her up instead.

“Jong…in?” Jieun blinked her black eyes at him, looking straight into his like how she did when she first regained conscious and Kai looked away immediately. He had to do that because everytime he sees her face and hears her voice, his chest squeezes not with happiness and elation but with sadness and suffocation. The sight of her alone makes him guiltier than ever, that was why he chose to avoid her instead. “Why are you… here?”

“Why are you here? Where’s Saein noona? Or Hyein Noona?”

“Saein Unnie’s father-in-law fell down and she went back to visit him. I’m waiting for Hyein Unnie to lock the door. Saein Unnie asked me not to go anywhere.” Jieun replied while rubbing her eyes.

“Did you try calling them?” Kai asked her, avoiding her eyes.

“I.. don’t have a phone.”

“Right.” It then struck him that they didn’t give her a phone because they didn’t want her to have unnecessary contact with anyone or search anything that might trigger her to recall all her memories.

Glancing at the clock, it was almost 430am and its way past the closing hour. It didn’t make sense for his sisters who always stayed by her side to leave her alone. Something was definitely not right.

“Pack up, I have the keys.” Kai told her. “I will send you back.”

Throughout the car ride home, Kai was thankful that the 22-year old girl slept throughout. He couldn’t even bring himself to look into her eyes, let alone hold a conversation with her. Looking back, for the past 2 years, he had never put himself in a situation where he had to go anywhere near her. That was why he chose to keep her with his family. He runs away from her in hope that he could run away with his problems.

However, guilt ate his conscious even more when he realize that after all that he had done, Jieun is still so kind to his family, tending the shop for Saein and waiting patiently for Hyein just because the elder told her that younger would come. She trusted them so much when all of them didn’t deserve any of her kindness.

“What are you doing at Kamong at this hour?” Jieun asked Kai as they stepped through the front doors of their house, striking their first conversation ever in 2 years.

“I….” Kai uttered a reply but was interrupted by loud commotions coming from the kitchen. He felt Jieun turning to look at him worriedly, but he kept his eyes straight, approaching the voices that sounded exactly like his elder sisters.

“I told you to get her! How can you be so irresponsible?!”

“I am irresponsible?! I can’t believe this…”

“You went to drink and have fun yourself! Did you forget that we have responsibilities to fulfill?!”

“I didn’t forget! I am sick and….”

Kai’s mother walked out of the kitchen in frustration just in time to see the dual standing outside. She had enough of listening to her daughters quarrel which started the moment Saein came back home to find that Hyein passed out drunk on the couch. That was when she knew what happened, that Saein didn’t bring Jieun to midnight shopping like she had told her. Then, the elder poured water on the younger to wake her up and that was how the entire argument started.

“Jongin-ah, Jieun-ah!” Raising her voice as loud as possible, she hoped that the girls inside would hear her but they didn’t. The argument continued.

“You guys must be tired! Go back up and rest! Go!” She quickly dismissed them up, afraid that they might catch what the sisters are arguing about. She didn’t want her son to know that his sisters are arguing because of him and most importantly, she couldn’t afford to let Jieun know anything.

“Jieun! Go up now! Everything is okay. Go!” Pushing the girl up the staircase, Mrs Kim urged her and she complied obediently, taking small steps slowly, occasionally turning back to look towards the kitchen. It was her first time hearing the Kim sisters arguing and it was very shocking for her.

“Jieun.. go up now.” Mrs Kim told her firmly and she disappeared up the stairs moments after, turning to her son, she patted his back gently. “Jongin, you too. Go up and rest now.”

However, Kai didn’t move an inch. His ears were sharp enough to pick up some words and piece them together, he knew who was the her they were referring to.

“Jongin… didn’t you hear what Omma said?” Mrs Kim tried to pull her son away but failed, “Go up…”

“Noona.” Pulling his hand out of his mother’s grip, Kai rushed forward to catch hold of the wobbling girl who was staggering out of the kitchen. “Are you okay?”

Looking up with her teary eyes, Hyein saw her brother’s beautiful face came into view. And that was when she lost it.

“Noona….” Kai was taken aback when he saw her tears, his second sister never sheds tears easily. This was probably his first time seeing her crying so badly that her eyes were all puffed up.

“Jong….in….” The sight of her brother made Hyein burst into tears once again. The unhappiness that she had buried deep within her exploded instantly. Grasping her brother’s collar, she choked out between her cries. “I really.. can’t do this anymore… I’m sick and tired of doing all these.”

“Hyein! You’re drunk!” Saein attempted to pull her away and stop her but the younger shoved her one side, causing the elder to fall to the ground. On the other hand, Kai could only hold onto his second sister and let her bawl while grasping his shirt. His eyebrows furrowed while waiting for his sister to continue.

“Hyein! You should sleep. We can talk tomorrow alright?” Mrs Kim joined in the effort to take her daughter away but it only made her resist harder.

“Don’t stop me! It’s suppose to be his mistake.. why is it that everyone has to be so mindful towards him? Why is it that everyone in the family is so afraid of getting him hurt? It’s his ing mistake.. why do we have to pay this price for him?”

“Why is that we have to be the one suffering while he can be so free about it huh? Why! You tell me why!”

“I feel like I’m the one who knocked her down you know that? I’m the one who is paying the ing price.. Nobody ever seem to notice that I’m unhappy, nobody ever seem to notice. Everyone in the family only cares about you..”

“Omma, Appa and Unnie only cares about you.. your dream… but no one cares about mine… I have a dream too but it’s ruined the moment Jieun came into our family…it’s ruined…”

“I don’t know what I have done to deserve such pain and torment… I wish that it would end…”

Under the influence of alcohol, she let her aggrievance out without holding back. Saein and Mrs Kim watched their daughter pour her misery as they sobbed together; how was her suffering not theirs too? They are a family but there are times that they feel tired and that they can’t go on any longer.

Kai’s hands slipped from his sister’s waist, hanging on his sides heavily as he let every word Hyein said prick his conscious and cut his veins. He kind of saw this coming, but it still hurts. He knew he was being selfish by throwing Jieun to his family to look after just because he couldn’t face her, he knew Saein and Hyein have a life to lead to, he knew he was troubling his parents, he knew it all; but he chose not to see that they were suffering too. He chose to blind himself with the fact that he was the only one who felt like dying in this world.

Slowly staggering up the stairs, Kai just wanted to go back to his room and hide there. He desperately needed to escape from all of this, he felt like he couldn’t breathe anymore. He needed to run away from all of this.

He needed to think it over, how is he going to fix all this, how are they going to undo all the pain?

Maybe, by bearing all the pain.

All by himself.

I've been receiving feedbacks that this storyplot is very slow, it's getting boring and so on. Thank you for your feedback but just to let you guys know, I will not be hurrying my storyline in any way. If you guys had read my previous stories, I'm sure you all know that my storylines had always been slow. My stories might be slow, but I'm sure you all can feel what the character is feeling better than if I were to write it in a few sentences.

So yupp, I wouldn't be upset if you guys choose to unsubscribe. I am unable to hurry my storyline, and if you are looking for something more action-packed than I'm sorry my stories aren't for you.

Nonetheless, for those who appreciates it, enjoy.