If I hold on to you, it hurts, but if I let you go, it hurts even more.

25^th February 2015

Putting on his seatbelt, Jiyong stepped on his pedal and his car drove down the streets of Seoul with Jieun sitting beside him. He agreed to send her away even though he was kind of hoping that she would stay. But he knew how stubborn she is. Once she had decided on something, she would never change her mind.

Jieun promised to give him a few days to look for a place and he did. The house he used high price to buy was right beside his parents’. She didn’t recognise his family and he could stay in there to be near to her.

He knew he shouldn’t take advantage of her memory loss but he couldn’t help to be so selfish. If Jieun remembers him, then he doesn’t care if everyone else forgets because he could not forget about her as easily as she had forgotten about him. He continues to fall in love with the way they once fell for each other, as if everything was still in place and the seasons never changed. 2 years apart and he is still deeply in love with her. He is so in love with her that he loves the way she breathes when she sleeps. He is in love with the fact that she is breathing and he didn’t mind shifting away from their home because his home is where she is, no matter where that may be.

“Can you drop me at the nearest subway?” Jieun broke the silence, “I.. want to go somewhere first.”

“Where do you want to go? I will send you there.” He offered.

“Jongin’s house.”

Jiyong grabbed the steering wheel hardly, his heart pounding loudly against his chest. It burns his heart thinking about her loving someone else who wasn’t him. He didn’t want anyone else to have her heart, kiss her lips, be in her arms and be the one she loves. He didn’t want anyone to take his place.

As much as he was trying to convince himself that love is about letting go, he couldn’t. Haewon and Jieun, both of them will be the first and and last person he would ever love in his life and he could not let her go just like this.

“I.. just want to get some of my stuff.” Jieun continued and he let out a breath that he was holding unknowingly. Nodding his head, he took a U-turn and drove her towards his house.

When the car pulled up outside the white building, fear enveloped Jiyong once again. He had just found her and he was so afraid that she would never return back to his side again.

“You’re coming back, right?” He asked her softly with his shivering voice. Jieun nodded at him and opened the door, walking away from him.

Looking at her disappearing backview, he didn’t know if he should be envious of Jongin that he had Jieun’s love or grief that he lost hers. Envy, after all, comes from wanting something that isn’t his but grief comes from losing something he already had.

But no matter who she chooses, he would wait for her at the same spot, just like how he always had since 2 years ago.

-

Standing outside the door, Jieun lifted her shaky hands to press on the doorbell. She didn’t know what to expect but she really miss Jongin like crazy. She misses not being able to touch him, not seeing him, not breathing him but another part of her wanted back what she was. If only, they could have a do over; going back in time and do the exact opposite of everything.

“Ji.. Jieun.” Aunt Kim opened the door and when saw the girl standing outside, she pulled the girl’s hands and started sobbing, apologizing over and over again as Jieun’s tears fall. Uncle Kim, Saein and Hyein looked at her from afar, unsure of how to approach her; especially Saein.

“I’m.. here to take my stuff.” Jieun muttered and Aunt Kim cried harder. They knew the last thing the girl wanted was to stay with them but the older lady couldn’t bear to let her go. As much as things had turned out to be so ugly, deep in her heart, the lady had already treated Jieun as her daugher.

“Omma, let her go.” Saein held her mother’s shoulder and freed her hand away from Jieun’s. She nodded her head at the girl and watched her disappeared into the room as she hugged her crying mother. “Jongin is in his room.”

Jieun froze upon hearing his name but after a while, she continued walking towards her room. Wiping her tears, Jieun opened her cupboard, wanting to pack her things so she could start anew at the new apartment Jiyong had prepared for her. But when she saw the racks of clothes, she couldn’t bring her hands to take them down.

They didn’t belong to her. They belong to Jieun. And she wasn’t Jieun. But, she wasn’t Haewon either.

She didn’t know who she was. She was still out with lanterns, looking for herself.

Walking towards her vanity, she picked up the notebook that was laying quietly in the centre and put it in her bag. That was probably the only thing she could allow herself to bring away. With a last glance at the room, she turned around to leave just in time for the door to be pulled open.

A man with long dishevelled hair came running in, his bloodshot eyes masked with a layer of pain. And when he saw the girl that he had been missing for the past few days, he broke down entirely. For the past few days, he had been dreaming of them clasping each other in their arms and he would hide his face in hers and she would hide her face in his, and nobody would ever see them anymore. Staggering towards her, he pulled her into a hug and bury his face at the crook of her neck, wishing time would stop right then.

Jieun closed her eyes painfully. She was trying not to tell him she still loves him by choking down the feelings and she was trembling. But when he reached over and touched her, it was like a prayer for which no words exist. She felt her heart taking roots in her body, like she had discovered something she didn’t even have a name for. Lifting her hands slowly, she let it s around his waist. That moment she just wants to hug him and never let him go.

“Why aren’t you saying anything?” Kai pulled away from her to lean his forehead on hers. He was almost begging her to say something. “Is this silence your last goodbye?”

Shaking her head, Jieun sobbed hard. It wasn’t her final farewell because she was scared; scared of everything. She was scared of what she had just done when she should hate him and knowing that she didn’t, she was scared of who she was and most of all, she was scared of walking out of this room and never feeling the rest of her whle life the way she felt when she was with him. She had never stopped loving him. Not even for a second, not even when she hated him for lying to her. And that was when she realized how much she loves him, when she didn’t even hate him for breaking her heart.

“I’m sorry I’m the problem Jieun..” Kai cried as he hugged her tighter, “I’m sorry to have caused you all the trouble.”

“I didn’t mean to ruin everything like that.”

“I really love you, I really do.” Pressing his lips onto her as deeply as possible, Kai gave Jieun one of those kisses where he was pressing against her and his hands are in her hair and moving down her back, clutching onto her in any way he could. And Jieuns showed no signs of pulling away as she closed her eyes, allowing herself to indulge in his love for that moment.

“Stop saying I love you when you mean to say I am sorry.” Jieun told him softly, her breath hitting his lips when they pulled away. He never change but something about Jongin just felt different.“All your I love you’s taste of regret.”

“I want to hear those 3 words pure and plain of anything, with only the taste of your heart.”

Nodding his head, Jongin looked into her eyes seriously. “I love you Jieun.”

“But… we still can’t be together.” Jieun told him between her sobs. The forth word in his sentence hit her hard. He was in love with a façade he created because she is not Kim Jieun to begin with. As much as she didn’t want to admit, deep within her somewhere, she is still Cha Haewon, the girl whose entire family was killed by the man standing before her. She misses him, she loves him but she could not be in love with him. “I want to be able to look at you, and not feel so hurt by you.”

Now, Kai knows he has a heart because it is breaking. Their first kiss stole the breath from their lips, but why did the last one tear them apart? Seeing her teary eyes, he lifted his hands to wipe her tears away gently. He wanted them to have a conclusion but he knew better they wouldn’t have so he wants her to remember him smiling when he curls up to listen to the sound of her heartbeat and tracing maps across her skin. Remember him laughing at her jokes, even the stupid ones. Remember him brave when she held his hand when he thought he was going to die.

He didn’t want her to remember him being scared and breakable, even if it was because of her. With a forced smile, he let go of her slowly. “Don’t cry, I don’t want you to be hurt and shed tears.”

“I’d rather you be cold and indifferent to me.”

“I don’t hate you Jongin.” Jieun promised as his warmth slowly disappears from her body. “I swear I don’t.”

“It just hurts too much to be around you right now.”

“I know Jieun, I know.” Kai swallowed hard, he promised himself never to hurt her again but in the end, he failed terribly. “Maybe we’ll meet again, when we are slightly older and our minds les hectic, and maybe, I’ll be right for you and you’ll be right for me.”

“But for now, I am chaos to your thoughts and poison to your heart.”

“So go.”

Jieun took a last longing look at him before peeling her eyes away. It took her great efforts to turn around to leave and right before she closed the door behind her, he heard his last words for her.

“See you in 2 years Jieun, after I serve my sentence maybe we’ll be right for one another.”

-

“If you need anything just give me a call.” Jiyong told her after he dropped her at the new apartment. He was still feeling the adrenaline rush when he saw her walking out of the house, towards his car. Even though she was crying, he was happy that she returned to him.

Nodding her head, Jieun muttered a soft thanks and Jiyong left her alone unwillingly before returning home to the house beside hers quietly. When she heard the front closed, the tears that she was holding back gushed out of her eyes. She could taste the apology and regret Jongin had on his lips. She could feel how much he missed her in his embrace. For that brief second when they kissed, they went back in time and everything was normal again.

But through all of it, there was so much sadness in their lips because they knew it was the last time. She hadn’t expect him to be serving his sentence so soon and the thought of him being in jail further crashed her. With her teary eyes, she opened the box that Jongin handed to her before she left and in it laid her blood-stained white dress, her wallet with her ID and a phone.

She switched it on with her shaking hands and played the messages that was left on her voicemail. A familiar voice echoed through the empty room.

Won, I found your shirt in my closet. It still smells like you. So do my bedsheets.

Last night, I woke up at 2am and you are the first thing that came into my head.

I scrubbed my skin until it turned red because I cant stand how I still feel your lips. I havent left the house in days.

Drinking wont erase the memories Won, I’ve tried.

My mother called and asked how I was doing. I said I went out to the store and bought milk. She told me she was proud of me. You too right Won?

Holding onto her diary and the phone, Jieun bawled her eyes out. Her head was spinning as she flipped to a random page on her diary. She wrote something before walking into the bathroom.

Once again, she switched on the shower and stepped into the bathtub. Her vision is blurry, she had been crying for hours and her eyes were burning. Her head hurts as well but she couldn’t stop thinking.

Closing her eyes tiredly, she laid in the bathtub hoping the water would wash away..

Jongin and her memories,

Jiyong’s unrequited love,

Haewon’s roots that stem deep within her

and the name,

Kim Jieun.

One more chapter to go! Omg, I can't wait to finish this fic so I can start on Locker 303.

Well so far only 1 of you managed to guess the ending right. Hehe, so keep on guessing!

Anw it's the last 2nd chance to ask questions! So keep it coming!

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