I hate this feeling.

Like I’m here but I’m not. Like someone cares but they don’t. Like I belong somewhere but I don’t know where.

20^th August 2014

Sitting in front of the glass window beside the cashier, Jieun watched how the passer-by outside Kamong walked on the pavement with whom she guessed it could be their friends, boyfriend or family. She likes to come up with her own stories about these strangers; what would they be doing afterwards or where had they been before this.

Tearing her gaze away from the not very crowded street, she opened up the diary before her and picked up her pen to write. She found it really strange to think that she’s just a background character in other people’s lives, someone they walk past while rushing to be somewhere or bump into on their way to get coffee. These people all have their own problems, insecurities and lives and she is not part of them. She doesn’t know why but she just thinks about that a lot. She probably has too much time in her hand that she doesn’t know how to spend them.

She is not sad about the life she is leading now, but she is definitely not happy with it. She hates the feeling because she doesn’t have any emotion. In this world, she is nothing. Her mind is spinning but she can’t feel anything. Nobody will ever understand how she empty she feels. She doesn’t have a dream and she is not being needed by anyone, she is merely alive because she is given another chance to live. She doesn’t have any purpose or goal in life, and it worries her that what if 5 years from now she is still unhappy and empty all the time?

“Hi, excuse me?” Before she could dwell on her thoughts further, someone called for her attention.

“Hello. How can I help you?” Jieun hopped down her chair and approached the cashier with a smile.

“Is this café really owned by Kai’s sister?” A girl in her teens asked excitedly.

Nodding her head, she replied. “Yeah it is.”

“Oh my god! This is so cool! Will Kai Oppa drop by?”

“He does sometimes. It has to depend on your luck.” Jieun replied like how she was taught by Saein but truth to be told, Kai has never drop by Kamong. Not that she knows of though, she has never seen him whenever she is working.

“Okay! I shall wait then! Can I have an Ice-Americano?” The girl made her payment and Jieun disappeared to brew her Ice-Americano. She could hear the girl’s loud, excited exclaimation when she saw some of Kai’s unseen photos that Saein used to decorate the coffeeshop. To her, she was used to these fangirls’ reaction. She had worked here for almost a year to see more exaggerated reactions.

Saein walked out of the kitchen when she heard the loud commotion, thinking that her brother came but all she saw was Jieun climbing back to the high chair she always sat on and stared into space. A sigh escaped her lips upon seeing her like this. She feels sad for her that she was not given any freedom like any other 22 year old, but there was nothing she could do. As much as she was always the reason to Hyein and her quarrel, she could not bring herself to hate her in any way. The kind hearted girl always accompanies her parents when Hyein, Jongin or her are too busy with their lives, doing their filial piety responsibility on behalf for them. She had long regarded her as part Kim family, a younger sister that is the same age as her younger brother.

“Are those cakes for delivery?” Jieun saw her from the glass window’s reflection. “I can deliver them for you.”

Shaking her head, Saein refused her offer. It was a common agreement in their family that they would never let her go anywhere alone, they couldn’t risk her bumping into people she knew or the worst case scenario, to find out about the accident. They couldn’t afford Jongin to be ruined after all those years of hard work he put in for this dream. “It’s going to rain, I will just get Yunwook to go instead.”

“Can I follow...” Picking up her phone before Jieun could finish her question, Saein’s eyes widened before she hurriedly hung up the phone.

“What happen Unnie?”

“My father-in-law fell down in the toilet. My mother-in-law said he can’t get up on his own.” Saein ran her hands through her hair as she called her husband but it was directed to the voicemail right away. Her fingers instinctively kept pressing the call button, she needed to get her husband, she was unable to leave and check on the elder but she was very worried about his fall.

“Unnie, why not you go to your in-laws place now?” Jieun suggested, she could see her worriedness from her face. “I will help you look after Kamong.”

“I…” Saein swallowed her words. Jieun doesn’t understand that she could not not be left alone, and she couldn’t tell her. Calling her husband again, it was directed to voicemail just like the previous times. Biting her lowest lips, she made a decision.

“I will call Hyein to come and lock up. Stay in Kamong till Hyein comes okay?”

“Don’t go anywhere alone.”

-

[From: Saein Unnie]

I have emergency to attend, can you look after Jieun today and close the shop? Please get her from Kamong as soon as possible. She’s alone and I don’t feel safe.

“What’s with that big sigh?”

Hyein looked up from her phone in frustration and into the mirror before her to see her friend coming out from the toilet’s cubicle. Shaking her head, she locked her phone.

“It’s nothing.” She lied to her. None of her friends knew that she has a superstar brother, and none of them knew that she has a fake distant cousin. She couldn’t afford to let people know about any of it. The more the people knows, the higher chance of it being exposed.

“We are going to club later. Are you coming?” Her friend asked.

Before she could decline her offer because she had to leave early once again, the other girl continued. “Hyunjin is coming and he specifically asked me to bring you.”

“He… did?” Hyein eyes widened at Hyunjin’s name, her heart beating frantically with just the thought of him. For 2 years, she bore a crush on him but they didn’t have much interaction because she always skipped gatherings. All these years she thought that it had always been her one sided love but looks like she’s wrong.

“Yeah, why will I lie to you.” Her friend nudged her playfully, “Seems like he is interested in you too, if not why will he asked me to bring you? Don’t forget that it’s his birthday today.. you know what that means right?”

Blushing at the sentence, Hyein could already imagine them dancing and having fun in the club setting. Adrenaline rushed through her with the thought of it. Her crush turns out to like her too, and he wants her to be present for his birthday party. But everything seemed to crumble when she remembered the text that Saein sent.

She didn’t mind leaving to babysit Jieun but of all times, why must it be now? When things between Hyunjin and her could turn better, she had to forego it. She really wanted to go for his birthday party badlly.

For 2 years she had been pushing away every gathering her friends held because she had to babysit Jieun. She couldn’t even afford to date because she had no time for it, all her friends are attached except her. She wants to fall madly in love too but she couldn’t afford to. Why is it that Saein forever has emergency to attend? She already told her sister 2 weeks ago that she needed to attend this party yet Saein didn’t keep her promise. She had been covering for her sister but why couldn’t she help her just for this once? Why of all times, now?

Looking into the reflection at herself, Hyein could see her own raging eyes. She deserved to have a life too, her life doesn’t only revolve around Kim Jieun. Just because Saein always had emergency to attend to doesn’t mean that she doesn’t have too. Switching off her phone, Jieun threw her phone into her purse. Checking her appearance for the last time, she turned to her friend with an excited grin.

“Let’s go!”

Just finished the strongest group. All I can say is nini looks good in that dodger shirt.

How's TLP in Jakarta guys? Hope you guys had fun there!

Enjoy!