It takes a huge effort to free yourself from memory.

3^rd December 2014

Saein switched off the last lamp in her café as she headed towards the backdoor. She could see the fangirls waiting eagerly for her brother outside the glass doors even though she convinced them that he had already left. The bunch of schoolgirls’ noses and ears were red from waiting in the cold winter but that didn’t stop them from waiting for him. Kai came into her café after dinner time, causing a huge commotion. After giving away some signatures, he managed to sneak up to his dance studio through the backdoor where Saein was heading to now.

Opening the door, she could hear his favourite song playing but he wasn’t dancing. For that moment, she felt happy to find him sitting against the mirror and had his knees brought up to his chin as he stared into space. It wasn’t a great sight for her to always open the doors of this practice room to find her brother collapse to the ground every morning so she was glad to see him resting now. However, she also knew something wasn’t right.

Since young, Kai would always bring his knees to his chin and hide himself beside his bed whenever he is sad or whenever their parents choose to side Hyein instead. It was his little habit that remained unchanged no matter how old he was. That moment, Saein saw how much her little brother grew. From a mischievous and carefree maknae to a boy who lives as good as a living dead, it hurts her to see him so.

“Sigh, my little brother had grown so much.” Taking a seat beside Jongin, Saein leaned her back against the mirror as she looked at the boy beside her. “I still can’t believe that he’s a grown man now.”

Kai snapped out of his daze when he felt someone sat beside him. He didn’t even realize that Saein came in. He had been too preoccupied by his sudden realization about how incredibly honest trees are in winter, how they’re experts at letting things go, unlike him. No matter how many steps he took to recover. Sooner or later, his depression would always take over. Like today.

He also realized that he doesn’t even know what his life decisions are anymore. It feels like everything he did, is just a mistake. Everyday, these negative thoughts tell him that he should just end it all because it hurts to breathe, sleep, eat, walk and even think. As he continues living like this, he wonders what the point of living is, the simplest of tasks has became long, hard and frustrating.

“I’m 22 already noona.” Kai replied with a smile that never quite reached his eyes. “And I’ve always been a man since I was young.”

“Because you are the only man among the siblings.” Saein joked with him before telling him seriously, “But you are growing to be much more responsible now. You know how to care for others already.”

“I guess so.” With his eyes still fixed on the wooden floor, he knew better that his sister was referring to taking Jieun under his own care. “It’s my responsibility afterall. It was me who had been irresponsible before.”

Taking his hand in his, Saein gave his brother’s hands a squeeze. Looking afar, she told him lightly. “I know my brother is not a irresponsible person. If he is, he would have chose to end his own life long ago, leaving our parents and us behind.”

“But he didn’t.”

“He chose to continue living even though there are times where he doesn’t want to remember those things it was tough. He just tends to hold in a lot. When he is upset, he doesn’t like to tell anyone. Especially the person who made him feels that way so he avoids her. No matter how much anyone asks him, his answer would always be, I’m fine. Even if it’s not true.”

“And it must have been hard for him to face her that’s why he chose to run away. Avoidance is a way for coping too.”

“But he doesn’t understand that sometimes when people hurt more than they can handle, and they don’t know how to ask for help, they become so caught up in their pain that they end up hurting everyone around them.”

Kai could feel his nose turning sour at his sister’s words, making him crumble even more. He used to think that he was tough, but now he realized that he wasn’t. He was fragile and he wore a thick armor. Like what his sister said, he hurt people so they couldn’t hurt him and he thought that was what being tough was, but it wasn’t. In an attempt to protect himself, he hurt everyone who tried to reach out to him, like his sisters, and definitely Jieun.

“I’m sorry noona..” He choked out slowly as he bit his quivering lips for a short while before continuing, “If it wasn’t for me, everyone in the house wouldn’t be so miserable now.”

Shaking her head, Saein put her arms around her brother and leaned her head on his broad shoulder. No matter what the family do, they would never get this burden off him. The guilt he bore wasn’t only towards Jieun, but them too. With a soft voice, she told him.

“We are not miserable at all Jongin.”

“Jieun actually brought life to our family. She is a very nice and kind girl, taking care of our parents for us. She accompanies them for their evening walk and makes up for our absence when Hyein, you and I are too busy with our lives.”

“She loves our parents on behalf of us. We are so busy growing up, we often forget that they are also growing old and that they need our company too.”

“With her around, she helps me to run my café and now that she is your personal assistant, she can even help us to look after you.”

“You know how Omma always worries about you, wondering if you are eating well, if your waist injury relapsed. But Jieun reports to Omma about you frequently, giving her a peace of mind so she can sleep peacefully everynight.”

“She even asked us what do you like to eat so she could take note of it.”

“She is a blessing in disguise Jongin, so we are not miserable at all.”

“Don’t be so hard on yourself.”

Kai slowly digested his sister’s words and he nodded his head. He didn’t doubt the fact that Jieun is looking after him well. From his work schedules to his personal medication, the girl did more than what a personal assistant should do. Despite his ignorance towards her, he was aware of the things she did for him except for the one where she reported his well being to his mother for him. His attitude must have scared her so much that she resorted to asking his family members about his favourite food.

Patting his head, Saein asked gently. “Then do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

Kai shook his head instinctively. “Nothing is wrong.”

“Still want to lie to noona you little punk.” Saein pulled away and flick his forehead, “I watched Hyein and you grow up. Nothing about you two escapes my eyes.”

“I… screamed at her earlier.”

“Jieun?”

Kai nodded his head, unable to let her name roll out of his tongue yet. But he could feel his chest tighten with the mention of her name. The guilt he had for her deepened when he remembered how the girl hung her head when he refused her drink earlier. He didn’t mean to shout at her after that, it was just a lot of easier to be angry at her than to tell her that he is hurt and upset.

“Why did you do that?” Saein asked slowly, afraid to push her brother on.

“She wanted to stay with me for extra practice but I didn’t want.”

“And why didn’t you want it?”

“Because… I…” Pausing for a short while, Kai pulled his knees closer to his chest before he continued. “I.. don’t like how the suffocation feeling rise up in my chest and memories of how I knocked her down come rushing back. I don’t want to get reminded of the past noona.. I really don’t want..”

“Everytime I see her, I see the girl who laid in a pool of blood in front of eyes. Then I get so breathless that  I feel like maybe I’m never going to be alright, or maybe I would just die.”

“It’s not that I didn’t want to take the responsibility noona.. It’s because I can’t bring myself to look at her so I left her at home. I didn’t mean to run away from my responsibility it’s just that I can’t…”

Saein looked at her brother whose tears were falling out of his eyes without him knowing as she blinked her own tears away. She never knew that he had been feeling so for the past 2 years. Straightening her legs, she pulled her crying brother down, letting his head lay on her lap as she soothed his soft black hair softly; hoping that with every gentle pat of her it would make him feel better.

“Jieun was just being concern about your well-being Jongin.”

“You are in the wrong for this matter.” The older girl swallowed part of her sentence. She had meant to tell him that he was the one who did wrong to her since the beginning but there was no way she was going to remind her brother that so she would just keep it within her.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at also change.” Saein continued patting her brother’s head, “I’ve never found Jieun burdensome because I look at her like she is my younger sister. I choose to look at the things she does rather than the things that could have happen if she wasn’t around.”

“Yes, you’ve made an awful mistake but you don’t have to punish yourself that hard. You have to forgive yourself, too.”

“I want you to remember who you are, despite the bad things that had happened to you because those bad things aren’t you Jongin. They are just things that happened to you. You need to accept who you are, and the things that happened to you are not one and the same.”

Bringing his knees closer to his chest, Kai didn’t understand what it means to let it go. How he could wrap up his pain, thoughts and feelings and tie it to a balloon and let it fly away. But today with Saein’s help, he realized that he is actually allowed to be happy.

“One of the most courageous decisions you will ever make is to finally let go of whatever is hurting your heart and soul.”

“By embracing it.”

Enjoy!