Remember: You can’t lose what you never had. You can’t keep what’s not yours. And you can’t hold onto something that doesn’t want to stay.

14^thJanuary 2015

“Jieun-ah.. do you need…”

Sehun stopped in his tracks, unable to finish his sentence as Saein bumped into his back from behind. When she looked at the direction he was looking, she froze.

All that could be heard in the night was the sound of things that was in her hands, crashing into the floor. And when the couple pulled apart, they saw 2 people standing before them, both of them staring at them with their widened eyes.

Jieun pulled away from Kai upon realizing what they had done but Kai went forward to hold her hand again. Contrary to her flustered state, he was suprisingly calm. He looked at his sister before locking eyes with Sehun. Behind his brown eyes, he saw anger, disappointment and betrayal. But he wasn’t going to run away anymore, he had to be strong for Jieun. He could find a thousand reasons why they shouldn’t be together, but he didn’t care because he never loved anyone like he loves her and he will not let her leave him, he needs her.

“Jongin..” Jieun’s voice was shaky and she was still trying to free her hand from his firm grip. She knew that their relationship would bring about even more trouble to him.  “Let go..”

“No, I won’t let go.” Kai replied firmly, looking at their intertwined hand. The way her hands fits into his like it was made just for him made him very sure he wouldn’t let go. “I will hold you hand. When everyone is watching and when no one is around.”

With that, he held her hand and walked passed the two figures standing outside the garage, into the house where everyone looked at their intertwined hands, stunned. He stood there long enough for everyone to realize the situation before bringing Jieun up to her room.

“Jongin.. I’m sorry..” Jieun eyes were filled with tears and she was at a loss of what to do. She shouldn’t had allowed herself to indulge in his kiss, or even his love. She knew they will never be together but she still couldn’t help herself earlier and now, she knew, they were in big trouble.

“Ssssh. Don’t apologize.” Holding her in his arms, Kai hugged her tight, his lips sealed a kiss on her forehead. He really want to thank the girl in his arms for existing, it really means a lot. Because right now, her existence gave him courage to face everything. “If either one of us is bound to get hurt from this, I will do everything in my power to make sure that it won’t be you.”

“I love you a whole lot, okay Jieun?” Kai told her seriously, placing his his hand in hers and that moment in time, Jieun knew right away he was the boy she wanted to be with for the rest of his life. And she knew right now, his ‘I love you’ was asking her to trust him. She would, with all her life, as long as they would not get separated.

Nodding her head, Jieun sniffed. “I love you too, okay?”

“Okay.” Kai let go of her hand and walked towards the door. Before closing it he told her, “Don’t come down until I come and fetch you okay?”

Kai walked down the steps of Kim mansion to see his family and Exo members sitting in the living room. None of them spoke a word as they all took turns to turn and stare at him when he approached them; except Sehun.

“I like Jieun.” Right when he sat down on the sofa, he broke the silence and announced. His voice was filled with so much confidence that everyone in the room could feel their breath getting caught in their chest. “And she likes me.”

“In case you had forgotten, you two are cousins.” Sehun reminded, “Its an relationship.”

“By name we are, by right we are not.” Kai spatted back and the boys started to look at one another worriedly. They knew the issue wasn’t just about Kai and Jieun having an relationship anymore.

“Before I get to know Jieun, this town was crushing me. My absolute deepest fear is that no matter where I live, I will never be happy. That life will continue to obliterate me day by day wherever I go.”

“But then Jieun came along, she gave me a reason to keep breathing when I couldn’t stand the thought and now I’m really glad that I didn’t die before I get to know her.” Kai looked up at his mother who was sobbing and his sisters who were tearing. He didn’t want to tell them how much he wanted to die back then, but, if he didn’t tell them now they wouldn’t know how much he needs Jieun.

“It’s hard not to fall in love with her when she saw me through my darkest times, when she understands the darkest and dustiest corners of my mind.”

“When it’s 4am and she calls because she knows I am not asleep. And she is worried about me.”

“Jieun is the only person I want to kiss all the time, she is the only person I want to hug and never let go, she is the person that I want to go home with, she is the person I want to fall asleep with and spend the rest of my life with.”

“Cause she’s my medicine whenever she’s close to me.”

“And isn’t this is that love is? When you can’t imagine doing anything without them or worse, wanting them to be with you while you are doing everything?”

“Noona, I’m sure you feel the same for brother-in-law.”

Saein fell silent and she felt her husband squeezing her hand tightly, her brother was right. 100% spot on in fact. She looked up at her parents who were also at a loss of words but they all knew, he loves Jieun with all his heart.

“Never lie to the person you love. She doesn’t deserve it.” Sehun’s voice was calm, but a bit too calm to the boys’ liking. They would very much see Sehun grabbing Kai’s collar now then behaving like that. At least boys fight and make up fast.

“I know she deserves better..” Kai swallowed, nobody knew how much he was struggling whenever he was with her. Actually, he wanted to tell her about it,  but he was afraid of her reaction. He was afraid that she would never see him as an equal again. He was afraid of the pity in her eyes when she realized how screwed up he was.

“You said she deserves better.” Sehun cut him off, “You are god damn coward. What she deserves is an actual person she can connect with.”

“She deserves someone achingly real and honest. She deserves a human being equally raw to pursue her and love and, perhaps, destroy her emotionally. But, she doesn’t deserves anyone’s sugary fairytale!!”

“She deserve to explore the meaning of the word intimacy, with someone that will care regardless. She ing deserves all of of it!”

“So, pluck up the courage and tell her the truth or leave her in peace!”

“Don’t you dare sell her your own inadequancy as a lie so that, again, you can comfort your conscious and eventually come to feel that you love her because you need her.”

“Because Kim Jongin, that’s bull!!”

“Sehun!” Suho raised his voice and the youngest fell quiet right away; his hands were still clenched and his eyes were red and teary.

Breathing heavily, how awful it was for Sehun to realize that he had been fooling himself for the past few years thinking there was a next thing to do to keep the show going and actually he was just another sick clown in this ing lie. Sehun felt stupid, he felt stupid enough to think that Jieun had fallen in love with him.

“Tell the truth, or someone will tell it for you.”

“Oh Sehun!!” Suho had enough listening to the things Sehun said. No one was supposed to mention the accident again and there he was talking about it, and he even wanted Kai to tell Jieun the truth. He instructed Luhan and Tao to bring the youngest out before apologizing to Mr and Mrs Kim and brought the boys away.

“Do you really love her?” Saein broke the silence once again and Kai didn’t hesitate to nod his head. His heart was heavy from what Sehun said because there was no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside him and he needed Jieun to hold him right now. She didn’t have to say anything but just hold him. Because when her arms are wrapped around him, nothing else matters and in a few moments he knows he will feel as if everything would be okay.

“I have a plan. Jongin, go get Jieun down.” Kai looked at his sister and the girl gave him a firm nod. When Jieun and him came back down, Kai sat her beside him, refusing to let her hand go. From her puffy eyes, he knew she had been crying in the room while waiting for him.

“I’m.. sorry.” Jieun apologized, her tears rolling down her cheeks again.

“Never apologize for how you feel Jieun.” Saein smiled at her and went forward to hug the crying girl. “No one can control how they feel.”

“The sun doesn’t apologize for being the sun. The rain doesn’t say sorry for falling. Feelings just are.”

“Jongin and you are in love and we know. We will allow it.”

Shocked by what Saein said, Jieun looked at Saein. “But.. but we are..”

“Jieun.” Taking in a deep breadth, Saein held onto the girl’s hand. “We lied to you.”

Instinctively, Kai widened his eyes, his hands turned cold that were holding hers gripped tighter.

“Jongin and you are not cousins.”

If there was such thing as karma, then let it befall on her because she couldn’t bear her brother to be sad again. She would do anything and everything to let him live in this world happily so she would lie for him. Again.

“Omma was working as a volunteer during the year that the fire broke out in your house. And when you were the only one alive in the accident, she was assigned to be your volunteer in charge.”

“But during the time you were unconscious, your relatives didn’t come and visit you at all. She took pity on you and decided to take you in. We are all scared that you wouldn’t be willing to accept our help because we are complete strangers to you so we had no choice but to lie that we are your cousins.”

“We are actually not Jieun. I’m really sorry for lying Jieun. I.. I was the one who came up with that cousin idea because I didn’t know Jongin and you will fall in love with another.”

The living room once again fell into complete silence. The Kim family looked at Saein in shock, Kai didn’t know what to do but Saein just shook her head lightly at him.

He felt Jieun’s hand loosening grip and he instinctively held it tighter and the girl snapped out of her daze, smiling weakly at him.

“I… don’t know what to say.” Jieun opened after some time, “You all took me in even when we are not blood related, how.. can I blame you all?”

“Without Uncle Kim and Aunt Kim, I would probably have died outside long ago.”

“In my heart, all of you will forever be my family.” Jieun smiled genuinely at the rest of people in the living room. Her memory was still as blank as ever but it didn’t matter to her, she had the Kim family and she had Jongin, it was enough. Like what Aunt Kim always say, what she didn’t know wouldn’t hurt her. The life she was leading before she lose her memory probably was worst than now.

Upon hearing her words, Mrs Kim cried harder than ever, feeling guiltier than ever but Mr Kim hugged her tight; reminding her that damage was done and all they could do now was by allowing their son to love her and redeem his mistake.

“You are already part of our family anyway!” Hyein wiped away her tears and went behind the sofa that Jieun was sitting, hugging her right away. The bad atmosphere in the living room was killing her, it was as though someone would let the cat out of the bag and she couldn’t sit still any longer. “My sister-in-law!”

“W..what…” Jieun blushed furiously and Hyein went on, “Jongin and you are together so you are part of our family already!”

Turning to Jongin, Hyein ruffled his hair. “You punk! You got yourself such a pretty girlfriend! What luck do you have?!”

The atmosphere lightened up right away with her cheery voice as everyone broke into laughter. Kai fended his sister off and pulled Jieun closer to him protectively, “Yah noona stop teasing Jieun! Look at her face! If she gets a fever I’m going to blame you!”

“Unnie, you heard that heartless ?” Hyein looked at her sister and they both winked at each other playfully, attacking the boy with pillows.

“Yah Kim Jongin!”

“You are dead! You forget about your Noonas the moment you get yourself a girlfriend!”

“Jieun! Save me!” Kai hid behind Jieun and the girl tried to shun away but he hugged her tighter than ever, pulling her into the pillow fight that the siblings were involved in.

Looking at the 4 children laughing so heartily, Mr and Mrs Kims’ hearts felt warm. No parent in this world would want to see their children suffer and they are no exception.

Mr Kim held Mrs Kim’s hand and he told her softly.

“Let Jongin love Jieun right. I’m sure it’s a way of making up to her too.”

Drama, drama and more drama!

I foresee you guys gonna bash Kai for his selfishness once again. But wells, I shall not say too much.

Enjoy!