What is truly yours, will eventually be yours.

And what is not, no matter how hard you try, will never be.

25^th February 2020

It was probably the 30^th time the song, Let me know had been playing in the background and Kai just kept dancing to it, moving every part of his body to the music. He used to love dancing to this song and he used to think that he could no longer, but now he could again and it was all because of her.

Jieun changed him. Jieun changed his life, changed the books he reads, the music he listens to. She changed the way he walks and the way he talks. She even changed the way he looks at the world.  The night sky, the moon and every star. She changed the way his heart could feel. She showed him a love so deep that he never thought even existed.

She’s no longer with him now, but the love isn’t. She changed him, in to him.

It was because of her love that enabled him to last through the past 5 years. Every day he wishes to die but he knew, is another day Jieun wishes for him to stay alive. She just didn’t know how hard it was that he spent his days dreaming of her and his nights suffering her.

Just like how his alarm rang, signalling him that it’s 4.41 in the morning and he wished he could be pressed against her chest, listening to her heartbeat instead of the silence in the dance room. How he wished she was here in this room with him right now, staring at him dance with her innocent eyes. How he wished he could put his arms around her and how he wished he could touch her. Even though 5 years had passed, he still couldn’t get over her smile and to be honest, he didn’t want to because her smile still gives him butterflies.

Walking over to pick his things up, Kai pulled his cap over and switched off the lights of the practise room as he made his way towards the exit. He didn’t have to go to the airport anymore because he no longer had schedules.

Exo had disbanded the moment he was sent to jail and SM was forced to close down. He had taken all the responsibilities, vouching the innocence of the other members so they could still survive in the industry. They were victims from his mistakes right from the beginning and he didn’t want to burden them anymore. 2 years after his sentence, he was released and he started working in a small entertainment company as a dance choreographer. The low paying job didn’t matter to him anymore, he just wanted to dance because Jieun loves to watch him dance. And it was the only way to feel her close to him again.

Walking down the almost deserted corridor, Kai pushed opened the exit door and walked down the steps with an unreadable expression. He was having thoughts to watch the sunset at the Han river but no matter how many sunsets he watched, he always seem to find himself wondering how it would look in the colours of Jieun’s eyes.

Even when Jieun had left him 5 years ago, she is never really gone. He can always find her within the melody of his dance song or in the creases of his hand that she used to trace. He can feel her inside that little pocket of his heart that he had specially reserved because whatever happens, he will always think of her and the time they spent together. It was the happiest time in his life and he would do it all over again if he had the choice. No regret; he’d choose her; in a hundred lifetime, in a hundred worlds, in any version of reality

He will still find her and choose her.

“Jongin!” Pushing open the emergency exit door, Seulgi called his name with her trembling voice and she saw him froze, with his back facing her. When she knew that he was working here, she changed from an A class company to this D class company; not caring how she was wasting her talent. He disappeared from her life 7 years ago, and when she knew why, she swore that she would not let him slip out of her sight again.

Biting her lower lips, she walked nearer to him. The sight of his backview alone was enough to make her heart flutter in an aching way. It felt so lonely and even when he was less than inch away from her, he felt he was so far away from her. Slipping a box of pain- killers into his hands, she whispered. “I know it hurts.”

She knows that he is in pain, she knows it from the way he is biting his lower lips. She knows that the pain-killers wouldn’t be able to stop the pain, but she hopes that it would lessen it. Even if he was to find her nosy, she couldn’t act like she didn’t care, like she didn’t feel anything. She was not sure how he does that, but she just couldn’t do that to him anymore.

“It doesn’t.” Kai replied instinctively, turning around to return her the box right away. His waist didn’t hurt because he no longer numb himself with dance. Jieun wouldn’t like it if he did that.

“If it doesn’t hurt, then why are you crying?” Seulgi asked in a shaky voice, her tears b up her eyes when she saw Kai’s face that had tears running down his face. Instinctively, she reached out to wipe the tears off his face but he stepped away before her hand could touch him.

Till the girl opposite him mentioned then Kai realized how his vision was blurred. Lifting his hands to wipe his own face, the wetness on his fingertips then struck him that he really was crying.

“Yeah.. why am I crying?” He asked himself a question that he didn’t need an answer for.

The best memories are sad, because he knows they will never happen again.

-

Sehun wondered around the small shop in Disneyland, waiting for Chanyeol, Tao and a few other models to end their photoshoot in the giftshop. He walked around aimlessly as he glanced at the racks of soft toys.

It had been a long time since he received such gifts from fans. Ever since Exo went their separate ways and Tao, Chanyeol and him got signed into a modelling agency, they no longer had fansigns or concerts that entitle them to meet up with their fans. Even a photoshoot like this didn’t attract any fans waiting for them outside.

Reaching out for the familiar soft toy that caught his eyes, he held it carefully in his hand. Waves of nostalgia hit him as he fell into a complete daze.

“I just came back from LA by the way.” Sehun changed the topic.

“I know. I heard from Aunt Kim talking to Saein and Hyein Unnie about Jongin’s whereabouts.”

“We went to Disneyland and.. erm..” Sehun pulled out the paperbag behind him and passed it to her. “I bought you a little something.”

“For me?” Jieun asked excitedly and he nodded.

Unwrapping the present immediately, Jieun’s smile spread across her beautiful face when the Winnie-the-pooh plushtoy came into sight. And that moment, Sehun swore to god, that moment, the colour of her eyes made him forget that the world is round. He had never seen anyone who has such captivating eyes.

“Oh my god! Thank you!!” Hugging the bear in her arms, Jieun buried her face into it right away. This was the first present she ever received in 2 years after her ‘reborn’. She doesn’t even know when is her birthday so she hasn’t received any present ever since the incident.

Sehun could feel the happiness radiating off her and it made him happy too. He wondered how could a simple present make her this happy and he made a mental note to surprise her more often with gifts.

“You like it?” He asked as he continued to stare at her with his warm gaze. Often than not, there is never a time a place for true love. It often happens accidentally, in a heartbeat, in a single flashing, throbbing moment. And right there, right then, Jieun turned the bear around and put it beside her face as she flashed Sehun a smile that made him forgotten to breathe for a moment. “Of course! I love it! Thank you Sehun!”

“I will hug it to sleep every night!”

Back then, maybe Sehun loved too much and maybe he showed too little.

Sehun still gets sad about everything that happened 5 years ago. The broken friendship between the 12 people who were once closed like brothers, the betrayal that he felt and the things that he did. His smile is a lie, it masks his pain and hides how he feels. Every now and then it just hits him. Sometimes, it takes days for him to get over it. Yes he would get over it eventually and maybe even really soon but that didn’t make it hurt any less right now.

But the only thing he was sure was that he would love her for a long long time.

He remembered every word she had ever said to him. If only he could visit her as a foreigner goes into a new country, learn the language of her, wander past all borders into every private and secret place, he would stay forever. He would become a citizen of her. People may say it’s too soon for him to feel this way or even ask how he could be so certain. But some things couldn’t be measured by time.

Ask him an hour from now, a month from now. A year, ten years, a lifetime. The way he loves her will outlast every calender, clock, and toll of every bell that will ever be cast.

“Just buy it.”

Looking onto his left, Sehun saw Chanyeol standing beside him. Putting his hands around his shoulders, he patted his back encouragingly. “Just buy it. Jieun will like it.”

-

A black van stopped in front of the tall gates and 4 men hopped down from it, making their way towards the gate right away. The sound of the keys hitting one another in Taeyang’s hand was the only sound that could be heard.

“Look.” Seungri pointed to the yellow soft toy that was sitting in the middle of the gate. He bent down to pick it up right away, examining its condition. “It’s still new. He just came.”

“Why didn’t Sehun call us?” Daesung asked as Taeyang opened the gates. “It’s rare for him to come back to Korea.”

“One day he would call us. I’m sure.” Taeyang replied and he walked ahead with the rest behind him. When they reached the middle of the field, they split up without sharing any words.

Seungri went around the garden to pick the most beautiful flowers, Daesung took out the mats and placed it in the middle with Seung hyun helping him take out the food they prepared. Taeyang took out his handkerchief and he slowly cleaned the photos on the tombstone. Beginning with Mr Cha then he moved towards Mrs Cha and Kiwon.

After he was done he walked towards the right of Kiwon and he squat down again. He took out a separate cloth and cleaned Haewon’s picture slowly before going on to the last one; Jiyong’s.

“We are ready.” Daesung told them and all of them gathered at the mat. Taeyang took a few bottles of soju and placed it in front of the 5 tombstone before sitting with the rest of the Big Bang members. Everyone was drunk in their own thoughts as they stared at all of the photos before them.

The photographs on their tombstone was the pause button of their life and everyone was smiling so happily. Mr Cha, Mrs Cha, Kiwon, Haewon and Jiyong especially. Because for him, home isn’t a place. It is a person and he is finally home. Even though all of them used to have their scars from loving someone too deply, from wanting to protect too much, now, what is gone, is gone.

They still remember clearly, 5 years ago on this exact day, they received news of Jieun committing suicide in the apartment beside Jiyong’s, making them lost their insanity and rushed to the scene right away. Jiyong himself didn’t even know that the love of his love had left him until the corridoor of their level was flooded with water and he broke in when Jieun didn’t answer the door.

When he finally found Jieun, the girl was submerged in the bathtub that was blood red. She had cut her wrist and drowned herself a day before, leaving only a note behind.

The one thing I don’t want to be is a burden to anyone.

For Jiyong, nothing is worst than when someone who’s supposed to love him just leaves. Again. And right before his eyes. When the 4 of them rushed to the scene, they could only watch Jiyong bawling his eyes out as he hugged the lifeless girl in his arms, asking her over and over again, is his love not enough for her to live.

Jiyong refused to let the paramedics take her away. He refused to let anyone touch Haewon. He insisted that he took her to the hospital to prepare for the funeral. He dressed her and placed her in the coffin personally but he didn’t felt any better. He still felt so empty without her heartbeat under his fingertips.

During the funeral, they took turns to look after him closely. 4 of them stayed by him day and night, not leaving him alone for a single moment. They knew that Haewon is all that matters to him and her death had killed him officially. They clearly saw something died in him. Haewon filled him with love and then leave, killing something in him immediately. It was just like she took an axe to it.

However, no matter how they kept an eye on him, it was useless. They should have known better that Jiyong was not ready to let her go and he will never be because right after Haewon’s burial, he overdose anti-depressants when he was bathing alone and lied that he wanted to sleep after. And he did, he slept and never woke up again, following Haewon to the ends of the world.

“I think suicidal people are just angels that want to go home.”  Taeyang broke the silence as he stared at Jiyong and Haewon’s pictures. Timing has never been their strong suit in this life so Jiyong could only follow Haewon to another life. Then, she can be his girl again and they would keep their promises, be them against the world.

As much as he was sad that he lost his best friend but he knew at the point where Jiyong closed his eyes, he was the happiest person ever; he loved Haewon until the day he died. And that’s love, to give away everything, to sacrifice everything, without the slightest desire to get anything in return.

“Stop smiling at me like this. I know you are very happy.” Taeyang stood in front of Jiyong’s pictures and wiped the picture with the back of sleeve again. Jiyong was wearing that gummy smile that everyone loves and misses so much. “Just keep staying this happy in wherever you are okay?”

“Sehun came to see you again, Haewon-ah. He bought you a bigger one this time round” Seungri placed the Winnie-the-pooh beside the rest of the old ones that had already turned grey. His eyes were masked with a layer of pain. “And.. Jongin is a choreographer now. He is still dancing but his family had migrated to New York. Don’t worry about them anymore alright?”

“Hyung. It’s like there’s always something missing you know?” Daesung poured Kiwon a cup of soju with a sad smile. “We were best friends. I still can’t believe how you’ve become somebody I used to hang out with.”

“Eventually, everything connects.” Seung Hyun gave a formal bow to Mr and Mrs Cha before telling them, “And everyone reunites.”

It didn’t matter how tough they are, trauma always leaves a scar. It follows them home. It changes their lives. Trauma messes everybody up, but maybe that’s the point. All the pain and all the fear. Maybe going through all of that is what keeps them moving forward. It’s what pushes them. Maybe they have to get a little messed up before they can step up.

“Enjoy the CD, Jiyong.” Taeyang placed the CD down before turning around to leave the field with the rest.

What they need now is the dandelion in the spring. The bright yellow that means rebirth instead of destruction. The promise that life can go on, no matter how bad their losses are. That it can be good again.

Just like the picture on the CD that they left behind, consisting of 5 of them.

Big Bang 10^th year anniversary CD

In remembrance of everyone we love and lost

Yes, this marks the end of this story. Some of you had guessed that Jieun would end her life, but none of you manage to guess that Jiyong would commit suicide too. I know many of you will not be happy with this fiction's ending but I don't think a happily ever after ending would suit this fic. Jieun is no longer Haewon, she is not as strong as her. Jieun's strength of life came from the Kim family and she depended on them, and also on Jongin. So when everything is taken away from her, there would be nothing left.

If you pay close attention to the ending, everything ended at the original point. Kai and Sehun's part were the beginning of this story. Just that Kai was no longer suffering from his mistakes but losing Jieun. Sehun's part coincides with Kai's part where he was supposed to buy the Winnie-the-pooh for Seulgi. Sehun still bought it for Jieun but he didn't had the courage to give it to her.

I will do a proper author note, behind-the-scenes and also providing download link over the next few days before ending this story officially so do keep a lookout. I will still be accepting some last minute questions. 

So leave your questions in the comment box below or PM me!

Enjoy!

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