I am mad at you because I love you.

19^th August 2008

Haewon looked at the tickets in her hand and she turned back to glance at her brother’s room that had been locked since the past week. She slowly approached his room and lightly knocked on his door.

“Oppa?” Just like how she had expected, there was no answer. But she was sure that he was awake. “Are you sure you are not coming with me?”

Waiting for a few moments, there wasn’t any reply. She knocked once more. “Oppa?”

“Just… go.”

With a sigh, Haewon left and boarded the van Jiyong prepared for her. From the tinted glass of the van, the window of her brother’s room was still tightly shut. She was worried that he might shut them or even her out of his life just like that. Biting her lower lips, she arrived the at the venue and was escorted into the VIP area as she sat amongst the members of the newly debuted boyband Big Bang.

Their debut stage started with Jiyong’s scream and Haewon smiled. She watched how the 5 boys gave their all as fans chanted their names. She was happy that Jiyong had finally achieved his dream but she couldn’t help but to feel sad at the sight of them. Her brother could have standing there if he hadn’t got eliminated on the latest episode of the TV series that decided their road to stardom. He had trained so hard for this and he really didn’t deserve to be eliminated just like that.

Watching Jiyong perform, Haewon didn’t know if it was right for her to feel happy. In fact, she didn’t know what to feel. Kiwon was suffering and she was supposed to grieve with him but Jiyong was her boyfriend and it was only right for her to feel happy for him. When the hour long debut concert ended, the girl left the stadium quietly. She knew she wouldn’t be able to meet Jiyong anyway. However, the moment she stepped out, she received his text right away.

[From: Ji]

Kiwon will always be a part of us. I will find a job for him. Don’t worry okay?

Jiyong’s didn’t break his promise. He made Kiwon Big Bang’s manager and Haewon was glad that her brother accepted his offer. Her ordeal of being stuck between her boyfriend and her brother came to an end.

However, little did she know that everything was just the beginning. Having a superstar boyfriend and a manager brother weren’t as easy as she thought it was.

A week of not seeing Jiyong due to his intense training turned out to be a month because he needed to prepare for his debut stage. It slowly increased to 2 months because he had just debuted and the group had many schedules. Before she knew it, it’s been 4 months since she last saw her boyfriend and her brother.

“Did you see GD Oppa yesterday? I died when he winked into the camera!”

“Yeah! TOP Oppa too!! His deep voice is so y.”

“I heard Big Bang is going to Japan for concert tomorrow!”

“How I wish I could go!”

Haewon’s ears pricked the moment she hears GD and Big Bang as she stares into space. Sadly, she learns about her boyfriend well-being through social media like every other fan. The only difference was the text that came in once a day asking about her day. She really couldn’t wait for the day where she could roll over at 2a.m. to find his lips instead of a text. Even when it was her birthday today, her phone was still sitting quietly in her pocket. All she could do was hope that Jiyong would not forget her birthday. Hope, is the only thing stronger than fear.

“My dear Wonnie!” Her best friend Yeonyee hugged her, “How are you going to celebrate your birthday princess?”

Forcing a smile, Haewon shrugged her shoulders. “Maybe just staying at home for dinner?”

“What’s wrong? You seem so sad. Are you okay?”

Her heart hurts, Haewon answered mentally. She didn’t even think it makes any sense but it was true. The one pain that she often feels which Jiyong will never know because it was caused by the absence of him.

“It’s okay! Shall we go out for dinner? Minyool Oppa said he will take us for dinner because it’s your birthday!” Yeonyee chirped happily. “Ayee. Look at how much my Oppa do just to get together with you Wonnie.”

“You’re so lucky to have him chasing you!”

“Let me check if my parents want to have dinner.” Haewon lied. Of course she knew the senior liked her for he had been after her for months openly; leaving flowers on her table, fetch and send her to and from school. It was beyond obvious and compared to her other wooers, she could tell he truly likes her and not because of her more than average looks.

However, she could not decline any of those despite having a boyfriend already. She couldn’t admit that she was attached because if she did, she would have to show them photos of Jiyong and her which she could not; Jiyong wasn’t allowed to date.

Pulling out her phone, she decided to try her luck. Maybe Jiyong might realize that it was her birthday today and maybe they could spend an hour together. She wouldn’t ask for more, just an hour.

[To: Ji]

Can we meet tonight?

Surprisingly, her phone vibrated shortly after, making her stomach flip in excitement.

[From: Ji]

Sorry Won. I need to rush to Japan after my schedules tonight. Maybe tomorrow?

Haewon’s vision blurred after reading that text. Yesterday Jiyong said tomorrow but today he told her tomorrow again. Was an hour of meeting on her birthday after 4 months of separation too much to ask for? How she missed the smell of him, the sheen of sweat between their palms whenever they held hands, the regularity of his breathing as she lays on his chest, the way he makes her pulse race when he her face between his fingers, his laughter and how it qualifies as her favourite sound. All in all, she really missed Jiyong.

Blinking her tears away, she looked up with a smile that never quite reach her eyes as she switched off her phone. Turning to Yeonyee, she was convinced that she could still have fun even when her boyfriend forgot her birthday.

“Let’s go for dinner. With Minyool Oppa.”

-

“Still no answer?” Kiwon asked when he saw Jiyong’s phone left his ear and he shook his head.

“Her phone is not on.”

“It’s weird, Haewon doesn’t switch off her phone.” Mrs Cha took off the party hat and looked at the men worriedly, “I’m scared something happened to her.”

“You’re thinking too much.” Mr Cha reprimanded his wife, “I’m sure Won went out to celebrate with her friends.”

“She’s back.” Jiyong announced without any excitement in voice. His eyes were fixed on the two figures that were walking down the pavement towards Cha’s household and he couldn’t take his eyes off Haewon. She looked so happy, and with him.

-

“Thank you for walking me back Oppa.” Haewon waved to her senior as she switched on her phone and a series of vibration lit up the dark pavement, attracting the guy’s attention.

“Who’s that?” He asked gently.

“My parents.” She lied. It was Jiyong but she couldn’t tell him. Hiding her phone, she had no intention in replying Jiyong today. She thinks about him everytime and she will get the biggest smile of her face, but he will never understand how much he means to her. “I got to go Oppa, I had fun today. Thank you for the dinner.”

“Happy Birthday and see you in school tomorrow Won.” Minyool waved back and watched her disappeared through the front door. “

Haewon blinked her eyes as she closed the door behind her, unsure if he was real. A smile crept up on her face as she was about to lurge forward to hug him but his next sentence stopped her.

“Who’s that guy?” Jiyong asked monotonously. He had been rushing for his schedules for the past 2 days, begging s just so he could spend a few hours with her today before he flies to Japan. He wanted to surprise her but little did he expect to receive a surprise from her; a new guy in her life.

“Omma, Appa, let’s go out and get some drinks.” Kiwon looked at the couple who was staring at each other and he knew better to leave some space for them.

“Alright.” Mr Cha led his wife away.

“Seriously?” Haewon hadn’t step away from the door.“This is the first thing you ask me after not seeing me for 4 months?”

“The first thing I see after not seeing for 4 months is a guy walking you home Won! How do you expect me to feel?” Jiyong raised his voice a little. He is a guy, he knew better that no guy would simply walk a girl home.

“He’s just my senior Ji.”

“He clearly likes you Won!”

“Yeah he likes me. He walks me home everyday, happy?” Running her hands through her hair, Haewon avoided Jiyong’s eyes. This wasn’t how it was suppose to be, they were suppose to be happy after not seeing each other for 4 months. He wasn’t supposed to raise his voice at her, he was supposed to trust her like how she trusted him even though he had the most beautiful girls surrounding him everyday.

“Is that why you never reply my message?” Jiyong was scared. He always think of her before he falls asleep. The words she says, the way she looks. The things they laughed about, the silent moments they shared. And when he dreams, he dreams of her because it’s about her, it’s always about her. But, it was difficult because he is over here and Haewon is over there. When he was with her, hours feel like seconds and when he is without her, days feel like years and he felt as though she was slipping away.

“This is the first time I never replied!” Haewon yelled angrily as tears blurred her vision, “I always reply. No matter how late your text would be, I would always reply! You know it!”

“But I don’t want your text Ji. I want to hear your voice.”

“Everyday I wait for you to call but it never came.”

“I’m really tried.” Jiyong explained himself. Sometimes he would end his work in the wee hours of early morning and he wanted to call her but he didn’t want to wake her up. “You should understand.”

“I tried.” Haewon eyes were dazed, “I really tried to understand. I’m tired too, don’t you understand?”

To Haewon, she was always there for Jiyong in his darkest nights but she always wondered where was he when she was at her worst. And, he said he had her back.

Curling his hands into a fist, Jiyong asked in his trembling voice. His fear was coming true. “Are you hinting me for a breakup?”

“You said it. Not me.” Haewon replied in anger. She couldn’t believe the person she fought the hardest for gives her up without a fight, he mentioned the breakup word just like that. Everyday without fail, she would fight with the demon in her, telling herself that Jiyong still loves her, convincing herself that trust is the most important in a relationship. After all that she had done for him, Jiyong was giving her up just because she came home with a guy.

Walking past him, Haewon’s tears dropped as she locked her room’s door closed behind her. Upon crashing on her bed, she heard the front door slammed door shut.

Although they never say it to each other, they both knew they were too young for this relationship.

Because Jiyong was only 20 and Haewon was 16.

Firstly, Bless Christmas everyone!

Secondly, I published a new Luhan fic. I'm not sure how many of you are Luhan fans but I had this fic in mind even before Luhan left. I was supposed to keep it under draft but yesterday while I was editing, it got published by accident and there were subscribers already. So I decided to just leave it.

If you are interested, you can take a look here. Backstage Romance

Hope you guys will continue to support me even though its not a Kai or Sehun fic! Don't worry, Kai is still my ultimate bias followed by Sehun. Hahah.

Enjoy this chapter!