The idea of having a secret love that only the two of you knew about sounded way better on paper than in reality. You started to realize why most celebrities you knew either decided not to date at all, or did it under constant fear of being found out. Most times, it probably didn’t work out in the end because if both parties were celebrities, they wouldn’t have enough time to spend with each other. As it was, you had school and work to juggle, but Yongguk’s schedule hardly left him any breathing time and suddenly made you feel like you had so much free time to sit around wondering what he was doing. In addition to doing the variety show, the company was trying to build as much hype as possible for the band, so he’d been doing unit promotions with Junhong. As much as you worried about him stretching himself too thin, there was nothing you could do other than to send him the occasional text message to offer him some form of moral support. Closer to the debut date then ever now, the boys had started filming for a introductory reality show in addition to album and showcase preparations, and since the camera crew and staff were moving in and out of the TS studio, even your precious late-night dates had been taken away.

The holidays were the worst. You went home and your family spent the first Chuseok without Himchan. You know it made your mother sad, but you felt doubly sad not even being able to tell your mother that you were back together with Yongguk, whom she had doted on when you’d dated as teenagers. Christmas and New Year’s came and went, and you spent those alone too. He’d send you long texts apologizing for not being with you and telling you how much he missed you. Then he’d excitedly tell you what he was doing, just so you wouldn’t feel like you weren’t a part of his life anymore.

It was a conflicting state of mind to be in. On one hand, you were happy for him because this was what he had been working so hard for the last few years of his life, and he was finally starting to get his music out. On the other hand, it was depressing because you knew that your presence was more of a burden than anything. You started asking yourself questions that scared you: were you strong enough to do the noble thing and leave him? Would that hurt him or help him more? And then at these moments, you would scoff at yourself. He’d written in his song that you saw yourself as a character in a melodrama, and maybe he was right. You needed to stop thinking such things. Nevertheless, the thought stayed at the back of your mind, and you started looking at options for volunteer missions overseas. Usually, these sessions didn’t last long before your heart would ache at the thought of leaving Yongguk again after everything that he’d been through, and you’d turn off the computer immediately, feeling guilty.

On this particular day, the boys had a couple of hours to rest in the dorms in the evening, and you’d promised Himchan that you were going to buy them dinner and go over.  It wasn’t much, but at least you’d get to see Yongguk in person. It was way better than keeping up with your boyfriend through text messages, the occasional phone call, and news articles on the Internet. You went up bearing an armful of food—pizzas, pasta, and burgers for Jonguppie because you knew he liked them. Since they had learnt to associate your presence with food, you were fast becoming a favorite noona among the kids.

“Hana noona! Come watch, Yonggukie hyung’s on TV now!” a mess of blond hair came flying at you and pulling at your arm. All six of them had bleached blond hair now, and it was almost hard to tell who was who at a glance. A second look confirmed that it was the maknae Junhong.

“Ya, pabo!” Daehyun admonished, coming forward and nudging him. “Help her carry the stuff first!”

Before you even had time to squeeze in a greeting, the food was out of your hands and you were being pulled to the living room, where the rest of the guys were gathered around the television set. You took a seat beside your brother and started unwrapping the food. Usually, Yongguk would be more reserved and would hardly talk to you whenever everyone else was around, but today, he seemed uncomfortable. He came beside you and started poking around the food. “Ya, I don’t like this. Cook me ramen.”

You glared at him. “Just eat what you’re given.”

“I want ramen,” he insisted. “Why did you buy all these knowing I don’t like them?”

You were just about to ask him what was wrong with him when the boys started going crazy at what was happening on the TV screen. It was a scene where Yongguk was at a market with Gyuri from Kara and Jung Hyungdon, and Yongguk had just asked Gyuri for a kiss for helping her with a challenge. At this point of time, the two of them were just being flustered. You felt Yongguk touch your arm, but you shook him off.

“This is just as a sunbae to a hoobae,” Gyuri said, and then she kissed him on the cheek. The kiss was replayed, and each time, it felt like someone had just poured a bucket of cold water on you. The boys were cheering and jabbing Yongguk, generally in high spirits. “Yaaaa, Yongguk hyung!”

You weren’t looking at him, but you knew he was forcing a smile for the guys while trying to see your expression. “They asked me to do it because the ratings weren’t good. The show might be cancelled if viewership doesn’t increase.”

You wanted to be understanding. It was just a job. You didn’t doubt that he loved you, but still, it didn’t feel good.

“How did it feel, hyung?” someone asked.

You didn’t want to hear the answer. “I’ll cook your ramen,” you said, still not looking at him, and escaped to the kitchen. You had just put the water on the stove to boil when Yongguk came in after you.

“I’m sorry,” he said quietly, putting an arm around your waist.

You moved away and focused all your energy on opening a packet of ramen. “You don’t have to be.”

“I didn’t want to do it,” he said, coming closer again.

“I know,” you replied, moving away again. “Stay where you are. They can see us.”

He stayed where he was and looked at you with sad eyes. “I don’t want you to feel bad.”

“I don’t care.”

“I’ll make it up to you.”

“You don’t have anything to make up for.”

“Babe, please.”

“What do you want me to say?” you sighed, turning to him. “I said I’m okay. Do you want me to get angry and hit you?”

“Hit me then,” he said, patting his chest. “Anything that makes you feel better. It scares me more when you don’t say anything. It feels like you’re going to build up all this unhappiness and leave me without a word again.”

You said nothing and just stirred the noodles. Sometimes you forgot that the two of you weren’t really a new couple, and that you’d actually dated for a really long time before. He could read you like a book. “How do you know you won’t leave me first? Since you have all these female idols to kiss you now.”

“I’ll tell them I won’t do it next time.”

“You’ll tell them, or you’ll just try to hide it from me again?”

“I just didn’t want you to be unhappy.”

“I have access to the Internet, you know?” you pointed out. “I would have seen it anyway.”

“I’m sorry,” he said again. He grabbed your wrist and hit himself in the chest with your fist. “It’s my fault. You can punish me.” You hit him for real once, really hard, and his eyes widened in shock. “Ya, that really hurts!”

“You asked me to hit you,” you stated matter-of-factly. “Here, your ramen is done. Bring it out yourself.”

The boys were almost done polishing up the food when you returned to sit among them, Yongguk following behind you.

“Why did you take so long?” Himchan questioned, eyeing you two. “We have to go back to practice soon.”

“He’s fussy,” you replied. You looked at your brother and patted his head, changing the subject. “Aigoo, our oppa is practicing so hard that he’s losing weight. Eat more, oppa. You don’t look good skinny.”

“Are you coming to our showcase, noona?” Junhong asked, looking hopefully at you.

“Bring us delicious food please,” Jongup added, raising both his hands as if he were begging for food.

“Ya, you kids think my sister is a food delivery girl?” Himchan scolded.

You laughed. “I’ll come support you guys. As for the food, it’ll depend if you guys are nice to me…”

The kids made a big fuss over running to get you water, and Youngjae immediately stood up to massage your shoulders. Amidst the chaos, you caught Yongguk’s eye. He was smiling, and his gaze communicated an innocent happiness. How could you leave a guy like that?

In that moment, you felt like maybe, just maybe, you were going to be okay.