Days turned into weeks, and weeks turned into months. As much as you enjoyed being there and helping all the kids build better lives, the nights were horribly difficult to get through. It felt as if there was a rock bound to your heart, weighing it down. On the positive side, the structure of the school was coming into shape, and Yongguk sent letters to the kids every month or so, so the mood was generally quite good. You started to look forward to his letters, even though they weren’t addressed to you. Through the letters and your occasional video call with Himchan, you kept up with Yongguk and the boys, whose popularity was taking off in quite a big way. In addition to promoting their first single, they were working on their next song, and they were even traveling to other countries to perform.

During the next half a year, BAP released one more single album and then their first mini album. Yongguk sent these CDs to the kids, and Himchan always sent you an additional copy, so you listened to all their songs. You always listened to the sad songs first, because you knew that they were words that Yongguk were writing to you. On the day you received the No Mercy album, you listened to it with Hyori and Hyunwoo. As you flipped through the lyrics booklet, however, you were shocked to see that the poem you had written Yongguk before you left was in it.

You felt an anger boiling up from within. He’d used your memories as fodder for his songs again, in a completely direct way this time. He didn’t even bother to change the words. Flipping through the book, you spotted Voice Message, which, you remembered him telling you, was written for you at his angriest.

Hyori, however, was absolutely love struck. “Hana, this guy is totally romantic, writing songs to you this way. You’ve really hurt him bad.”

“He’s not sad, he’s angry,” you replied in extreme annoyance. “And he’s using all these childish ways to get back at me again. I can’t believe I’ve been crying over him when he’s reverting back to all these immature tactics.”

“I don’t get you,” Hyunwoo said. “If I were you, I’d be on the first flight back to him right now.”

“You don’t get it,” you insisted angrily, flipping to What My Heart Tells Me To Do and pointing to it. “I wrote this! I wrote this to him before I came here and he’s using it for his songs? Unbelievable.”

“Well, I think it’s kind of romantic that he actually took the effort to make it into a song…” Hyunwoo said, shrinking back at your outburst.

You ignored him, continuing on your rampage, flipping to Voice Message. “And this, he wrote about me when we first broke up! Gosh, I forget what a jerk he can be when he wants to be one.”

“Maybe it’s time you talked to him,” Hyori suggested. “It seems like he’s trying to reach out to you in the only way he knows will get you to react.”

You knew she was right, and that pissed you off even more. Unfortunately, you’d just gone on a supply run, so you stewed in your anger for three weeks before you got to call your brother.

When the day finally came though, it wasn’t Himchan who picked up the call but Jonguppie. “Hana noona!” he said urgently when he picked up. You could tell from the background that he was at the dorms. “You have to come back now! Himchan hyung got hurt!”

Your anger was replaced by worry instantaneously. “Really? What happened to him?”

“He fell down the stairs and hit his head and he’s in the hospital now!” Jongup continued, his eyes darting around nervously.

“Is it serious?” you asked, trying to keep your cool until you found out all the details. “When did this happen?”

“It’s very serious,” he replied, rambling off like a bullet train. “He fell this morning. I’m supposed to stay home and wait for your call so that I can tell you. He’s in a coma now. You need to hurry back!”

Alarm gripped you for a moment and a million thoughts raced through your head. But you couldn’t panic. There was no point panicking. You had to organize your thoughts and figure out what to do first. “Wait, let me see if there are any flights I can grab today,” you said, pulling up another window to check for flights. The computer was really old and it took ages to do anything. Feeling anxious, you drummed your fingers on the table as you waited.

“Ya, Kim Him Chan,” you heard in the background. “What are you doing?” There was some shuffling and shushing. You closed the window you were opening, just in time to see Jongup, Himchan and Yongguk standing in the frame. Then, you were cut off.

You cursed under your breath and tried calling back again, but Himchan didn’t pick up until your third redial. “Kim Him Chan!” Both Himchan and Jongup were in the frame, holding their hands above their heads in penance. “What’s wrong with you? How can you ask your dongsaeng to lie for you? Did you even know how worried I was?”

Himchan pouted. “I’m sorry, but we really didn’t know how else to get you to come back. But you really have to come back now.”

“Why?” you demanded. “Is this another a joke?”

Jongup shook his head. “No, noona, you really have to come back. It’s a huge situation. Daebaksageon.”

“What? Is it about Bang Yong Guk?” you went on, getting even angrier after almost falling for Himchan and Jongup’s trick. “Ask him to come here. I need to give him a piece of my mind too.”

You heard a door opening, and then Yongguk’s voice, “Tell her.”

Himchan and Jongup turned to look somewhere off the screen, but neither said anything.

“Tell me what?”

“Go ahead. Tell her.”

Silence.

“If nobody’s saying anything, I’m hanging up,” you warned. “I’ve had enough of all your nonsense for today.”

Jongup spoke up first, albeit hesitantly. “Yongguk hyung… he… has… he’s… dating someone new.”

You felt like someone had just slapped you in the face, but you kept your cool. He was obviously trying to get you to react, and you weren’t about to give him that little bit of satisfaction. “That’s great. Tell him to stop writing songs about me then.”

“Tell her I’ll stop writing songs about her when she stops ruining my life.”

“Tell him it’s really despicable to use my letter as lyrics without crediting me.”

“Tell her I would have credited her if she hadn’t run halfway around the world to get away from me.”

“Tell him—”

“Would you two stop it?” Himchan cut in, shooting a glare at Yongguk, outside the frame, and then back at you. “Do you know how old you are? This is ridiculous.”

“You know who’s being ridiculous?” you retorted. “Bang Yong Guk. You’re so immature! I don’t know why I expected you to be any different, but this is so typical of you!”

Yongguk stalked into the frame angrily and addressed you over the hapless heads of Himchan and Jongup. “The girl who takes off whenever she feels scared is calling me immature? Maybe it’s a good thing you left, since now I have someone who’s actually willing to risk everything to be with me. And she’s in a girl group. She has way more to lose than you ever did.”

That hurt. That really hurt, but your pride prevented you from showing any emotion. You balled up your fist so tightly under the table that you could feel your nails digging into your palm, but you refused to let any weakness show on your face. “Congratulations then. You have all my blessings.”

“Save it. I don’t need it.”

You felt something grip your heart as he disappeared off the screen again, announcing his departure with the resounding slam of a door. You remained silent, your shoulders slumping as Himchan addressed you. “Hana, are you really going to leave things like this? You know neither of you meant what you said. Please, stop torturing each other and come home.”

“You heard what he said,” you pointed out. “He found someone to risk it all with him. He’s got that dramatic Hollywood-style against-all-odds romance that he wants now. He doesn’t need me.”

Jongup shook his head. “Noona, he’s not serious! He’s just doing it to make you angry! Yongguk hyung and Gyuri sunbae—” At this point, Himchan clapped a hand over Jongup’s mouth and said loudly, “You just need to come back now and sort things out with him, and everything is going to be fine. Right, Jonguppie?”

You, too, wished that Himchan raising his volume could erase what Jongup had let slip. If you didn’t have a face to attach to the girl, you might have been able to pretend that she wasn’t real, but it was all too late. Bang Yong Guk knew exactly how to push all your buttons and he was doing it all right. He couldn’t have picked another girl that would have annoyed you more. “It’s okay. I’m fine. Maybe she can make him happy. She could help you guys get to know more female idols too, isn’t that great?” You forced a smile, but couldn’t keep the bitterness out of your voice.

“No, you don’t understand,” Himchan said, exasperated. “He really still cares about you. He’s—”

“I have to go,” you interrupted him, not wanting to hear anymore. “You guys take care of yourselves. And Jonguppie, don’t let Himchan oppa bully you into telling lies again okay?”

“Ya—”

You hung up quickly before Himchan had a chance to nag at you again and left the cyber café. Strangely, you didn’t feel that sad. You’d been crying so much since you came to Cambodia that by now, it just felt as if a part of you had died quietly and painlessly. Sure, you still wished spitefully that Yongguk and Gyuri would get exposed really quickly so his silly fantasies would be killed off, but you didn’t feel as upset as you’d thought you would. You didn’t even feel like crying anymore.

You didn’t even cry when their repackaged CD came a month later, with a love song Crash as the title song, in which Yongguk’s rap proclaimed that he met a girl who even made him forget his first love; you didn’t even hurt when you saw that the other song in the special repackaged edition was I Remember. It felt as if your heart was cold and dead.