After that day, you forced yourself not to think about Yongguk. No matter what the reason for him getting involved with another girl was, he had clearly decided to move on. He was no longer the same Bang Yong Guk who’d do anything to get you back, and that wasn’t his fault. You acknowledged that it was your actions that pushed him to take this step, and you didn’t have anyone to blame but yourself. It was hard forgetting him considering that he’d consistently been sending photos to the kids and they’d made you tack them to their walls. Everywhere you turned, you still saw his smiling face taunting you, but you learnt to steel your heart after a while. When the kids wanted you to play BAP’s CDs for them, you did. The songs still tugged at your heart, but over time, you learnt to block out the pain. If there was one thing you were really good at, it was compartmentalizing your thoughts and your feelings and storing them away.

Before you knew it, it was the New Year, which meant your stint in Cambodia was coming to an end. It was an amazing feeling seeing the new school building standing tall, when one year ago it had been a plot of barren land and a pile of bricks. The kids were all really excited about their new school, and you even helped them paint murals all over the walls to make the building feel more homely for them. Having spent so much time with them, you’d forged a strong bond with the kids and counting down your final month was starting to feel quite sad, as much as you missed your family.

That weekend, you and Hyunwoo drove into the city, and you called your brother excitedly. The last time you’d spoken to Himchan, he’d told you about the Rookie Award nominations BAP had received, and it was astonishing. By now, they would have attended the ceremonies and you were eager to know if they’d won any. Winning a Rookie Award was the one goal that the boys had ceaselessly worked hard for, and you knew your brother would be really psyched to win. Your first call to Himchan, however, went unanswered. The second call was answered by Jongup.

“Jonguppie!” you greeted cheerfully. “Where’s Himchan oppa?”

“Noona, we’re at the hospital,” he answered.

Remembering the last time Jongup had tried to trick you, you were wary. “Are you? Why?”

“Himchan hyung got hurt,” he replied, looking anxious. “We were coming back from an award show and he slipped and fell and I think he broke his hand. He’s in the surgery room now. Noona, I think you should come back now.”

“He needs surgery from a fall?” you asked, still suspicious. “Is this another attempt to trick me? I’m coming back in a month. Please tell Himchan oppa to stop playing tricks.”

“It’s real this time,” Jongup insisted. “He’s hurt really badly.” Then, looking around for help, he passed the phone. “Yongguk hyung!”

You really didn’t want to see him, but before you could even say anything, Yongguk’s face appeared on the screen. “He’s not lying,” he stated, looking serious. “Your parents are on the way. You should come back now.”

You hesitated, but something in his eyes told you that he wasn’t kidding. By the next day, you were on a flight back home.

The first two weeks you spent back in Korea, you stayed with your brother at your parents’ house. It felt strange sleeping alone in your old room again, after having shared a small space with so many other people for a year. Most nights, you’d go over to Himchan’s room and the two of you would talk till dawn, just like when you were younger. Or at least, until he dozed off anyway. He was in a lot of pain and had to take a lot of painkillers. It hurt you to see him in so much pain, but you could tell that he didn’t want to worry you or your parents, so most times he pretended he was okay and you pretended to believe him. Worse of all, you could tell he was very upset because he’d practiced really hard for BAP’s comeback, only to get injured just before the promotions and their first concert. In fact, he had already decided to move back to the dorms the next day so he could continue rehearsing with them as much as his body allowed it.

He was still constantly worrying about you since you were now homeless and carless, and since he couldn’t work anymore, you couldn’t rely on him either. On the last night of the second week, as the two of you sat in the dim light (yes, he still slept with a night light even though he was 23), he was once again lecturing you about hunting for a place to stay. You were however, quite satisfied with staying with your parents for the time being until you earned some money. Honestly, you had unlearnt how to live alone and the idea of having to live by yourself again intimidated you.

“You can’t keep staying here,” he was nagging. “You have to go back to school and now that you don’t have a car, how are you going to travel? Have you even been looking for apartments or have you been lazing around all day?”

“Oppa, I could just work for another half a year before I go back to school,” you said, getting bored with the conversation and starting to fiddle with the things on his desk. “Don’t you know apartments in the city are really expensive? I can’t afford them. You need to let me start finding work again.”

“What work do you intend to do?” he asked, obviously not trusting that you’ve thought out anything. “Are you going to go for castings again? Or will you continue writing songs?”

You shrugged. “I’m so tanned now. I doubt I’ll get casted for anything. Stop fussing, oppa. Just worry about yourself. I’ll figure something out.”

“I knew you haven’t planned anything,” Himchan said in an accusing tone. “You’ve become so lazy ever since you came back.”

“You need to give me some time to get reacquainted with the fast-paced city life, oppa,” you complained. “Stop stressing me out or I’m going to run away and marry a farmer!”

“Go marry one then. At least we’ll get some free food out of it.”

“Yes, oppa. I’ll make sure to marry a pig farmer so we have the right facilities to house you.”

“Save the space for yourself,” he retorted. “I doubt any man can stand being with you for long.”

You threw a pencil at him. “Ya, you want me to break your other hand?”

“Please, I can still fight you with one hand,” he scoffed, sticking his tongue out at you childishly. He picked up the pencil with his left hand and tossed it back to you. “I spoke to Bang today.”

You turned away and pretended to be preoccupied with rearranging the pencils in the pencil holder on Himchan’s desk. “Did you? You don’t have to tell me that.”

“He’s right, there’s no other girl on earth with a pride as strong as yours.”

You whirled around. “Did he call you just to badmouth me? I swear, he’s the most…”

“It’s fascinating how you can bring out the best and worse in each other,” Himchan remarked, interrupting you. “I don’t know if this means you’re meant to be soul mates or enemies.”

“Oppa…” you said wearily. “What is the point of you saying all these?”

“He told me not to tell you it was him who helped you, but I can’t just sit here and watch you two playing these games with each other,” Himchan said, turning serious. “He spoke to our CEO about helping you. If you want, you can come work at TS with our songwriting team.”

That surprised you. The only vibe that you got from Yongguk so far was that he really hated you. The last thing you would have expected was him helping you with anything. There must be a catch. “No thanks. I don’t want to work with him.”

Himchan sighed. “Can you stop being so stubborn? You need a job, and someone’s offering you one now. Our CEO was impressed with the song you wrote for our album, and he’s seriously offering you a job.”

“He knows I wrote that?” you asked, unsure what to feel about it.

“Of course,” Himchan replied. “Yonggukkie really just couldn’t credit you because you weren’t here to sign the papers. He didn’t even touch the royalties. They’re all in that joint account you two set up. You’ll have enough to pay the rent for the first few months until you start earning money again.”

You were too surprised to speak. Having known him for so long, you thought you understood Yongguk but you really didn’t. You really couldn’t fathom what he was thinking.

“He even found you an apartment,” Himchan continued. “There’s a vacant one in our building, and he’s spoken to the landlord. He’s holding it for you until you decide.”

All the feelings you’d squashed came flooding out in a fresh wave of anguish. He always could make you feel absolutely miserable and yet insanely happy simultaneously. It was hard to imagine how it was possible to love and hate someone so much at the same time. But how could you love him? He was someone else’s now. Why was he doing all these when he’d made it clear that he didn’t want you back?

“I don’t want an apartment in your building,” you said, fighting to keep your voice steady. “I just want a small place to myself. The ones in your building are too big for me.”

“The corner unit of every floor is a studio apartment,” Himchan pointed out, sensing that your pride was acting up again. “It’s cheaper than the apartment you used to stay in, plus it’s near to our office. And the one that Yongguk found is on our floor. Even Omma is in favor. She says you can take care of me. Although I think I’m going to end up taking care of you.”

“You discussed it with her before you discussed it with me?” you asked, slightly indignant and confused at the same time. “Why would he do all this for me?”

“Isn’t it obvious? He still cares about you.”

“But he has another girlfriend now,” you argued, feeling frustrated and confused. “Does Gyuri-ssi know that he’s doing all this?”

Himchan hesitated. “Actually, he’s dating someone from a rookie girl group now… But that doesn’t matter! He’s not serious about any of them!”

You groaned in exasperation. “Why? Why is he doing all this then? What on earth is he thinking?”

“I don’t know what he’s thinking,” Himchan admitted. “But he didn’t want me to tell you it was him who did all these things for you. I don’t know how I can pretend it was me though. I’m so sick of lying for the both of you. Can’t you just accept it first and talk to him about it later?”

You honestly didn’t know what you were supposed to do or think. All you knew was that you needed to know what he was thinking. You knew deep in your heart that you still loved him, but you couldn’t let those feelings surface until you knew what he was up to. If he was just playing games to take revenge on you for leaving him, you didn’t think your heart could handle it.