You were bent over your table at work, writing when you heard a knock on the door. “Come in,” you called, not lifting your head as you finished scribbling the last of your sentence.

“Hana unni. Are you busy?”

You looked up. It was Yongguk’s girlfriend. “Eo, Hyerin ssi.” You felt a strange feeling in the pit of your stomach, and you couldn’t figure out what it meant. Pulling up the spare chair, you offered her a seat.

“Unni, you can speak comfortably to me,” she said, sitting down, and you could only smile awkwardly at her. She looked so perfect, in her little floral dress and platform heels even though it was January. You suddenly felt self-conscious, having come to work in an oversized baseball jersey and jeans. She was all made up and looked like she’d gotten her hair done at a salon while your hair was in a messy bun and you were wearing large framed glasses, having not had time to put on makeup after the whole Yongguk situation this morning. You’d always been confident about your looks, but she made you feel like a total slob. How could you compete with all these perfect girl group members?

“Um, is anything the matter?” you asked nervously. “Are you waiting for Yongguk oppa?”

“No, I came to speak to you,” she said. You looked quizzically at her, and without warning, she burst into tears.

Panicking, you fumbled around your messy desk for tissues and found a box under some sheet music. Plucking a few sheets from the box, you handed them quickly to her. “What’s wrong? Don’t cry. You can tell me if something is bothering you, and I’ll help if I can. Please, stop crying!”

She gasped for breath amidst her sobs, and it took about a whole minute before she could speak again. “Unni… please d-don’t… take Yongguk oppa from m-me!”

Her candidness shocked you, but you recovered quickly, handing her more tissues. “I… Why would you think that?”

She dabbed at her eyes, making sure to avoid smearing her makeup. Damn, how could this girl still look so perfect with bloodshot eyes and snot running down her face? “Unni, you don’t have to lie. I know he spent the night with you.”

“It’s not what you think,” you explained anxiously, handing her another tissue. “He was drunk and I let him sleep. We didn’t do anything.” As you rambled on, you wondered why you were feeling guilty and trying to explain yourself when you didn’t do anything wrong.

“It was our 22^nd day,” she sobbed, not responding to your defense. “I was waiting for him in his room and he didn’t show up the whole night. I… I was…” she had to pause to take a few deep breaths. “I was going to give myself to him… but he didn’t even want to touch me.”

You felt your eyes widen in surprise and you averted your gaze so she wouldn’t think you were judging her, but this was a bit much for you considering you didn’t know her too well. “I… I really didn’t…” you stuttered, not sure what to say to make her feel better.

“Unni,” she continued. “I know I can’t compete with you if you want him. I know you two have dated a really long time, and I know he writes all these songs about you. I know you two even have children together!”

“No, it’s not—”

“But I don’t mind all that! I don’t mind if you remain in his life, as long as you make it clear that you’re just friends! Please, unni, you’re so brave and independent! You could even live alone overseas by yourself, but I really can’t live without Yongguk oppa!”

You held back a sigh, fanning yourself with a piece of paper as she gave you a pleading look. She was really putting you in a spot and you weren’t even able to get a word in edgewise.

“Unni, please teach me. You know best what he likes right?”

You reached for your cup, taking a sip of water, not bothering to try to answer, convinced she wasn’t going to let you say anything anyway.

“I mean in bed.”

You choked on your water and started coughing and sputtering. Tearing up, you reached for the tissues again to wipe your face. Oh God. This girl was really a piece of work. You couldn’t believe Bang Yong Guk was putting you through this. Daebak. If he were in front of you right now, you’d probably have strangled him.

“Are you okay, unni?” Hyerin asked, leaning towards you in concern.

You waved her away and nodded. “I-I’m fine.”

“Really?” she asked, sitting back in her chair. “Okay, so I mean, is there like a certain position that he likes, or somewhere he likes to be touched? I’m a quick learner, unni, I can—”

“Oh my God, stop!” you interrupted her at last, unable to take her monologue any longer. This conversation was bordering on the absurd. She froze, stunned that you’d raised your voice at her. You instantly softened, lowering your voice. “Hyerin ah, listen to me. You don’t have to… you know, sleep with him to keep him. You’ve only been dating a short time, and you’re still young. There’s no point in trying to use to hold on to a guy who wants to break up with you.”

“Yongguk oppa wants to break up with me?” she all but shrieked, grabbing your arm in panic. “Did he tell you that?”

The panic in her voice was infectious and you felt alarmed too, for a moment. “You mean, he didn’t…”

“He didn’t say it, but I knew it!” she wailed, her tears streaming again. “He was being so cold, and he didn’t even give me an answer when I asked if he was going to have dinner with me to make up for missing our 22^nd day!”

This realization pissed you off too. Didn’t he say he was going to break up with her? How did it end up being your duty to break up with her for him? Did he not intend to do it after all? That jerk.

“I’m sorry, I thought you came to me because he wanted to break up,” you told her, trying to calm her down. “If he didn’t say that, he probably doesn’t mean to, then. Don’t worry about me, there’s nothing between us. You should talk to him and you two can sort out your problems, alright?”

Hyerin appeared to be slightly comforted by your words. “Really? You’re not going to try to get him back?”

He’s the one who should be trying to get me back, you thought bitterly, but you smiled reassuringly at her. “No.”

That evening, you sat with your brother on the couch in BAP’s dorm, watching TV as you fed him ramen from a bowl. He’d hurt his right hand and had difficulty using chopsticks with his left, so you had the unfortunate duty of helping him with all his meals, unless he was with the other boys. He could do vocal practices with them in the day, but most nights, when they did their dance practices, he would stay home. Worried that he might feel lonely, their CEO gave you permission to leave work early when Himchan was home alone, so that you could keep him company. It was a privilege you didn’t mind having.

“I saw Yongguk’s girlfriend going to look for you today,” he said, eyeing you with amusement. “What did she want?”

“She asked me for advice on how to please Yongguk oppa in bed,” you said as casually as you could force yourself to, simultaneously shoving a mouthful of noodles into Himchan’s mouth.

The look on his face was priceless. “What?” he exclaimed with his mouth full, causing the soup to splatter all over.

“YA!” you yelped, putting down the bowl and grabbing tissues from the table for what felt like the millionth time that day.

He swallowed his food before answering. “It’s your fault!”

“She really did ask me that!” you insisted, swiping at Himchan’s clothes with the tissues.

“They’ve been dating for like what, two weeks?” he asked, shocked.

“22 days,” you corrected him. “She wanted to give him her body as a present.”

Himchan looked absolutely scandalized. “Girls nowadays…”

“Oh please,” you scoffed. “If she were trying to give her body to you, you wouldn’t be so quick to judge.”

“But she didn’t? With Yonggukkie, I mean.”

You picked up the bowl again. “Well, you guys were here with her and he was passed out at my place, so I guess not.”

Himchan turned his face away when you tried to feed him again. “Wait, you didn’t…”

“No!” you exclaimed, giving him a fierce look. “What kind of girl do you think your sister is? Do I look like the kind who’d be a third party in someone’s relationship?”

“Well, technically, she’s the third party since you didn’t exactly break up with him before you took off,” Himchan pointed out. “But you can’t blame her for misunderstanding you, if he spent the night at your place. Are you sure you really didn’t?”

“Oppa,” you warned, glaring at him.

“What happened then?”

You sighed. “Nothing. He got drunk, screamed at me, threw up and went to sleep. That’s all.”

He gave you a doubtful look, but said nothing and ate another mouthful.

“Which reminds me,” you said, rounding on him. “You’re my brother and you didn’t think to tell me that the whole Gyuri thing was a scam?”

He froze, with a deer-in-the-headlights expression on his face. Then, he raised his left hand in a show of innocence. “It wasn’t my idea!”

“You could have told me!” you insisted, elbowing him. “Didn’t you know I was absolutely miserable the last few months in Cambodia?”

“How could I possibly know?” he protested. “You always looked like you were fine.”

You sighed. You and your stupid pride. “Still, I’ve been home for more than two weeks. You had so many chances to tell me.”

“Maybe it didn’t occur to me since it wasn’t real?” he said, shrugging. “Besides, did you really believe he would date her? She’s a sunbae. He wouldn’t even be able to raise his head when talking to her.”

“He did ask her for a kiss on broadcast,” you defended. “You guys are so ungrateful. To think I was so nice, bringing you food all the time. Once it’s time to take sides, you’re all with him.”

“It might have been easier to take your side if you were actually here. You just had to run away. That was your fault.”

You said nothing.

“Fine, it’s my fault,” Himchan lamented, lifting his eyes to the heavens dramatically. “I did everything for you when you were young and now you’ve grown up scared of everything.”

“Says the guy who sleeps with a night light.”

He narrowed his eyes at you. “Ya, fear of darkness is a legitimate fear. Fear of commitment is not.”

“I’m not afraid of commitment.”

“Then what are you afraid of?”

“Ya, just eat your noodles.”

What were you afraid of? Could he be right? Was it commitment that you were afraid of? After your first relationship with Yongguk soured, you’d never lasted more than a couple of months in another relationship. Maybe he’d damaged you more than you realized after all. You never took any other guys seriously because you’d already been in a long relationship that at some point you thought was going to last forever, but as much as you’d loved each other, you’d inevitably tired of each other.

Was that what you were afraid of? That the man who’d stopped loving you once would stop loving you again?