You sat across your boyfriend in your silent apartment, watching him. Your heart ached, seeing his head bowed as he stared at the floor, his arms resting on his thighs as he leaned forward. Minutes went by without either of you saying a word. It scared you that he was being quiet instead of yelling. Fighting, you could have handled, but the cold shoulder was something you weren’t used to. The stillness of the air settled heavily upon your shoulders. You wished you could say something to break the silence, but you didn’t know what you could possibly say to make things any better.

After a moment, you got up and walked towards your closet to get something else to change into. Dongwoon’s clothes were starting to feel like they were weighing you down. Your studio apartment was too small for Yongguk not to see you changing unless you went into the bathroom, but somehow, you kind of wanted to see how he’d react to you. You stared intently at him as you removed your clothes. When the t-shirt fell to the floor, he looked up at you and caught your eye for a brief moment. Then a pained expression crossed his features and he looked back down at the floor again.

Okay, if he didn’t even want to look at you when you were standing in front of him in your underwear, things were really serious.

You quickly pulled on a sweater and a pair of shorts before sitting down before him again, only to resume the silent tableau. Yongguk was fidgeting, tapping his fingers together and shaking his legs one moment, and rubbing the back of his neck another. You could tell that he was thinking hard of what to say, and it terrified you. Yet, you knew that you had to give him time, because simply opening your mouth could set him off.

“I’m tired,” he said after a long while. His statement was simple, emotionless, and you didn’t quite understand what he meant. He made no move to continue, or to even grace you with any eye contact.

You frowned. “Do you want to take a nap, or…”

He looked up at you, his expression serious. “I mean I’m tired of this. Of trying so damned hard to make things work when my feelings obviously mean nothing to you.”

“That’s not true.”

“Is it not?” he asked, eerily calm. “I step back an inch and you take a whole foot forward. I leave and I come back to find you in another man’s bed…” He squeezed his eyes shut and took a deep breath. “How far did you think you could push me before I snapped, Hana?”

You felt your eyes fill with helpless tears again. “Don’t say it like that. It’s not like that.”

“How shall I say it, then?” he asked, his voice pleading. “Tell me it’s not what it seems. Tell me exactly what it is, because it’s killing me just thinking…”

You ran your hand through your hair in frustration. “I don’t remember much.”

“Well that solves everything doesn’t it?” Yongguk scoffed.

“So showing up unannounced and punching my friend is the perfect solution?” you retorted, slightly annoyed at his attitude. He made an unintelligible noise when you said “friend”, but you ignored it.

“He deserved it,” Yongguk shot back. “I don’t trust the bastard.”

You sighed. “Why do you have to jump to conclusions? I’m sure nothing happened. I trust Dongwoon. I had a little too much to drink and he was just trying to help…”

“I thought you said you couldn’t remember,” he pointed out, glaring at you. “How do you know he didn’t get you drunk on purpose so he could have his way with you?”

“We don’t live in a soap opera, oppa,” you argued. “I might have been drunk, but I think I would know if someone tried to “have his way” with me. And Dongwoon isn’t that kind of person.”

“Tell me why you were wearing his clothes then,” he challenged. “Did you change yourself or did he do it?”

You hesitated, trying to rack your brains, but you couldn’t even remember leaving the club, much less what had happened after. Your look of distress was the only answer he needed. He gave you another pointed glare before inhaling deeply, looking up at the ceiling for a long moment. “I knew he couldn’t be trusted.”

“Well, maybe we should let him explain…”

His head snapped towards you. “Don’t tell me you intend to see him again.”

You opened your mouth and closed it again, lost for words. “If I’d really changed myself, I think you owe him an apology.”

“You’ve got to be kidding me,” he said incredulously. “Of course he wouldn’t admit to taking advantage of you when you were drunk. Are you really that naïve? Or do you secretly not mind being taken advantage of?”

His words hit you like a slap in the face. “Excuse me?”

“It’s not the first time I told you that I don’t trust him.”

“And everything that you say is the absolute truth?” you demanded. “You were the one who insisted on me going for this party with him.”

“Only because I thought it’d make you happy!” he argued, his volume rising slightly. “We fought so much because I was jealous, and I tried to show you that I could put aside my discomfort as long as you were happy. But did you even care that you being with him bothers me? Why do I have to be the one to compromise while you carry on doing whatever you like and seeing whoever you like without any regard for my feelings?”

You felt your jaw drop. “I don’t care about your feelings? I kept you updated on where I was and what I was doing, even though you weren’t even in the country! I spend all my free time with you, and I don’t even go out to have fun anymore because I don’t want you to worry, but the one time I do, I don’t care about your feelings?”

“Which girlfriend goes to a club with her ex?” he demanded. “Which girlfriend spends more time with her ex than with her own boyfriend? Did it ever occur to you how I might feel about that?”

“I can’t change the fact that I dated him many years ago,” you replied hotly. “But we’re just friends now. I thought you understood that.”

“You’re the one who’s not understanding the situation,” Yongguk insisted, his jaw tensing as he struggled not to raise his voice too much. “You think he’s trying to be a friend but he’s clearly got other intentions. I let you hang out with him because I thought I could trust you to take care of yourself, but look how that turned out.”

You sighed again. “That’s not fair.”

“And you’re being awfully fair to me, aren’t you?” he questioned, clearly angry now as he glared at you. “You made me think I was being paranoid and jealous, and I had to suffer on my own trying to fix my “problem”. In the meantime, what have you even done to try to make things work? Even now, when you have proof that Son Dongwoon has ulterior motives for getting close to you, I’m still in the wrong?”

“I wouldn’t call that proof…”

“Do I have to catch you both in bed before you’ll finally admit that he can’t be trusted? Why do you keep trying to speak up for him?”

You glared back at him. “I’m not trying to speak up for him! Can you be reasonable?”

“I’m unreasonable,” he declared incredulously, staring wide-eyed at you. “Tell me how I’m supposed to react when my girlfriend tells me she’s going to a club with her ex-boyfriend, disappears the whole night without answering any of my calls, and then I find her in his bed the next morning, wearing his ing clothes. Everyone has a limit, Hana, and you’ve crossed it. I’m starting to think that maybe you’d rather be with him than with me.”

“That’s not true,” you insisted, your voice pleading. You understood what fragile ground you were standing on right now. As much as you knew the situation wasn’t as bad as he’d imagined, there was nothing you could say because you couldn’t even remember what had happened. You were convinced that if you asked Dongwoon, he’d be able to give you a better answer, but right now, suggesting such a thing was absolutely out of the question. You reached across to take his hand. He didn’t pull away, but didn’t respond either.

“I can’t do this anymore,” he said quietly, after a long pause. “Last night, for the first time, I went on stage and I didn’t enjoy it. My mind was so preoccupied with thoughts of you that I messed up so many times. This tour…” He paused, looking up at you. “My music is my life. This is what I’ve always wanted to do, and when you’re there with me in the studio, making music, everything is perfect. But if because of you, I’m not enjoying making music, I…”

He trailed off and you froze, your heart thumping hard. You swallowed hard. “Are you saying…”

Yongguk slipped his hand out of yours, looking away. “We just go round and round in circles, fighting over the same thing over and over again. We tried and tried to make things work, and I’d even tried changing myself to fit you. But to become who you want me to be, I’ve lost myself. Maybe what you’ve always wanted was someone else all along. I’ve just been a fool all along, trying to be that someone for you.”

You felt a tear roll down your check. You wanted to scream and cry, and tell him that he was wrong. You wanted to tell him that you knew who you wanted, and that person was him. But was he right? Did you really know? You never wanted it to turn out this way. You were really happy with him when things were going well, but was it normal for a couple to fight so often? It’d been six whole years since you’d started going out with him, and somehow, you were still arguing over the same issues: his jealousy, and your inability to give him the assurance that he needed. Maybe there was a reason why. Maybe you just weren’t right for each other.

“Are you saying…” you tried again, your heart constricting painfully in your chest. “…that you’re breaking up with me?”

He avoided your eyes, and you knew that he was hardening his resolve. “I don’t know. I never thought I could do it, but… I think we need some time apart to figure things out.”

In your head, you pictured yourself begging. You wanted nothing more than to throw yourself at him and tell him that you loved him, not anyone else. You wanted to ask him to stay, and not to leave you, and that you’d do anything he asked, as long as he forgave you. You wanted to apologize and promise that you’d try to make things work, if he’d just give you another chance. Instead, you wiped the tears from your eyes and sat back, nodding. “If that’s what you want.”

He didn’t answer. The two of you sat in silence for what felt like hours, him staring at the floor and you straight ahead. Your tears kept falling, no matter how many times you wiped them away with your sleeve. Your heart felt empty. You didn’t want to believe that he was going to leave you. You almost wished that if you didn’t say anything and just kept quiet, he was going to stay there with you. And then you wished that you had the courage to say something, to ask him to stay. You wished that if you said it, he’d take back everything he’d said and promise to love you forever.

All these thoughts sped through your head, but you said nothing.

“I should go,” he said after a long while, standing up. His voice was shaky, and you thought you saw tears in his eyes, but it was hard to be sure when he was still resolutely refusing to look at you. “Are you going to be fine… alone?”

You nodded, trying to smile through your tears. You didn’t need him to worry about you right now. It would just hurt more. “Yeah.”

“Well, then… I’m going.”

He took a step towards you, and then stopped, as if he were debating with himself whether to hug you before leaving. You just looked up at him numbly, barely able to process anything. Your tears were blurring your vision, and you felt light-headed from trying to hold in your sobs. You watched as he gave up and turned away, walking to the door and letting himself out. It was hard to accept that he was walking away from you, when he’d promised to always be there. It was harder accepting that you’d screwed up so much that even Bang Yongguk, the man with the biggest heart you knew, had run out of patience and decided he’d had enough.

The hardest truth to accept when you were watching him walk away was that he was never coming back. 

Author's note:

There... I wrote the break-up scene. *sobs* Trust me, it was as painful writing it as it is reading it, but it had to be done. I shall not say too much about the plot at this point, 'cause the last few chapters are going to be a bit exciting (if they work out as I've planned them in my head) so... please anticipate it! I haven't fully decided how exactly to end it, though, so please do keep the suggestions/predictions coming! 

In happier news, I caught Big Bang live at the Singapore Grand Prix last week and it was possibly one of the happiest days of my life! I waited about 7 hours (a few of these hours burning in the hot sun >.<), and even during the concert, it was so crowded and so hot that I was literally sweating buckets, but it was so worth it! I've caught BB live a few times, but I've never chosen to be in the standing pit before. This time, there weren't seats, so I didn't have a choice, but I finally understand why people would pay good money to put themselves through the ordeal. The boys were so close up I felt like I was meeting them personally even though there were like 5000 other people around me or something. I was totally hyperventilating each time one of them came close to my side of the stage, and I couldn't stop gushing about it for like 2 days after the concert. Almost the best fangirl moment ever, second only to the time BAP were one meter away from me for about 10 seconds.

Also, how many of you caught the Idol Star Athletics Championship? Last year, BAP hardly featured at all, but they got so much screen time this year! The introduction of that futsal segment was the greatest thing ever for Babys, since we know our boys love soccer! I was just dying watching that whole segment. I mean, HELLO, Beast and BAP in the same team?!?! Just kill me please. Although I'm using Dongwoon in my story, my bias in Beast is actually Doojoon, and watching my two leaders work together and score goals adgdhagahdjghsgdjghds COULDN'T STOP SMILING TO MYSELF IN FRONT OF MY COMPUTER.

Fangirling aside, hanma_ yes, I was thinking of the Eminem song! And cranberrylips I wasn't actually thinking of the McFly song, but I listened to it after seeing your comment, and it fits the story so well!

In other news, I have more than 200 subscribers and more than 10k views on my story. WHAT IS HAPPENING GUYS? Why am I getting so much love for writing all this junk? I'm so touched :') At some point, I thought maybe I'd reply every comment and thank you guys individually, but as they started piling up, it got harder to decide where to start. Maybe on my next story, I'll try it so I can thank you guys properly, but for now, please know that I DO read every comment (at least five times) and they make me really happy, whether they're positive or negative. Because of your comments, I feel like I actually know you guys, especially the ones who are always commenting. I don't show it all the time, but I really appreciate you guys! I'm really, really thankful. Saranghaeyo~

xx.