Author's note: As some of you have noticed, I usually have a song in mind when I am writing most of the chapters. For some of the chapters, I either didn't have a song to match it or I'd already used the song previously, so I just name it as I like. This chapter is, to me, the turning point of the whole story, hence the title. I've attached the lyrics at the bottom of this page so you guys can get a feeling of what the song is like. It's from BAP's No Mercy album. Do have a listen if you haven't already! It's absolutely heart-wrenching and was my inspiration for this whole story :'(

As some others have noticed, it's getting tough for Hana, and unfortunately, I planned the next few parts in a way that it actually gets much tougher :S But hang in there with me, and I promise it will get better!

Oh, and also, I picked the names for the other characters randomly. You can choose either to picture them as real people or not, it doesn't matter that much.

xx.

A few days later, you sat in a café waiting for Himchan to show up. The past few days, you’d given it a lot of thought and made up your mind regarding your relationship with Yongguk. It wasn’t an easy decision to come to, but you were determined that it was for the best.

“Sup, sister?” Himchan called cheerily, waltzing into the café like a breeze. He was wearing glasses and had a beanie pulled over his blond hair, but his demeanor caught the attention of all the patrons of the café anyway.

“Gosh, you’re still embarrassing even when you’re famous,” you complained as he sat down before you. “I ordered for you. Iced Americano, right?”

“Correct,” he said, and took a long sip from the cup. “Why did you ask me out? Can’t be anything good. Did you get into trouble in school? Are you getting kicked out? Are you pregnant?”

You glared at him. “Very funny, oppa! I’m not a kid anymore!”

“Oh, that’s right,” he said, shaking a finger at you. “I forgot. You even have your own kids now. What would Omma say?”

“She would be glad she raised a kind and compassionate daughter.”

“Does she know about you and Yongguk?”

“No,” you said, and then paused, stirring your coffee as you struggled to find the right words to say. “Oppa, I’m leaving.”

“Where?”

“Cambodia.”

“What?”

“I’m going to Cambodia for an overseas volunteer program,” you stated, looking up at your brother. “For a year.”

“Why? Don’t you have school?” Himchan asked, furrowing his brows in confusion at what you were saying. “Did you tell Omma?”

You nodded. “Yeah, I called her today, before I called you. She’s worried, like she usually gets, but she’s fine. I’ll take a break from school, like you did. I just feel like I need to get away for a while.”

“You mean you didn’t listen when she tried to dissuade you right?” Himchan accused. “You don’t listen to anyone. Even our mother can’t control you.” Then, realizing the severity of your words, he added, “Did you tell Yongguk?”

You took a deep breath. “That’s why I called you, oppa, I…”

“No!” Himchan exclaimed in horror, leaning back in his chair and glaring at you. “No, no, no. I’m not doing this.”

“Oppa, please…”

“No,” he refused flatly, his face turning stern. “I’m not doing the dirty work for you. And you can’t just run off without telling your boyfriend. What are you, eight? Why are you doing this, Hana? Why?”

“I can’t be with him,” you said, feeling tears start to build up behind your eyelids. “You know why. You didn’t want me to be with him either.”

“I didn’t, but you did it anyway,” he pointed out, exasperated. “You can’t just do what you like all the time and expect me to clean things up for you. You’re twenty-two, Hana. You need to start taking responsibility for your actions.”

“I’m being responsible by choosing to leave.”

“That’s not being responsible, that’s being cowardly,” Himchan argued. “Whatever happens, you should talk it out and make a decision together whether to break up or carry on. You can’t just run off again like you did the last time. It’ll be like you stabbed him once, pulled out the knife, and then stabbed him again.”

You sighed, knowing your brother was right. “You’ve known Yongguk oppa longer than I have. Do you think he’ll sit down and let me break up with him? He’s just going to play the hero and tell everyone to trust him, but if something happens, all six of you might go down together. I don’t want that to happen because of me.”

Himchan removed his beanie and ran his hands through his hair, exhaling loudly. “Still, do you have to go off to another country? You’re being very cruel.”

“It’s like ripping off a plaster at one go, oppa,” you said. “If I’m here, like the last time, he’s just going to spend a lot of time trying to convince me to change my mind. I don’t want his work to be affected. Besides, I’m not just going because of him. It’s something I’ve always wanted to do.”

You could feel Himchan relenting as you spoke. The only reason why you’d grown up so headstrong and willful was because your brother and parents always gave in to you no matter what. “Is it safe?” he asked at last. “Do you even have enough savings to go away for a year?”

“I went for an orientation session,” you told your brother. “I made a few friends, and they’re all really nice. Most of them are experienced volunteers too. Don’t worry, oppa they’ll take care of me. As for the money, I’ll sell my car, and the lease for my apartment is almost up, so I’ll have my deposit back too. Besides, my oppa is earning money now right?”

Himchan scowled at you. “Me again? This sister of mine is nothing but trouble. When do you leave?”

“In three days,” you said, preparing for Himchan’s outburst.

“Three days?” he exclaimed, right on cue. “Ya, and you waited till now to tell me? Did you even think this through properly?”

“I did!” you insisted. “It just happened that they’re all leaving on this date. It wasn’t like I had a choice. But oppa, you really can’t tell Yongguk oppa until after I’ve gone.”

Himchan ran a hand through his hair again, obviously stressed. “I really hate that you’re making me do this again. Why can’t I have a sister who wouldn’t get involved with my friends?”

You ignored his lament and took an envelope out of your bag, sliding it across the table. “You can pass this to him after I’ve gone. Keep it well. Don’t let him find it himself.”

“It’s gonna kill him,” Himchan said, taking it. “If he hits me, I’m gonna hate you for life.”

“I love you, oppa,” you replied, smiling although your heart felt like a mess. “Enough about me. I’ve been meaning to ask you, are you hiding a secret girlfriend?”

“No, why would you think that?”

“Why did you buy condoms then?” you asked, causing Himchan to choke on his coffee. “And what kind of brother gives condoms to his sister’s boyfriend anyway?”

He coughed a few times. “The kind of brother who wants to protect his sister? Let’s not talk about this. The two of you are gross.”

“I’m not trying to talk about me,” you pointed out, raising an eyebrow. “I want to know about you. Are you hiding a girlfriend? Or are you paying for it?”

“Aish, you little…” Himchan scolded, hitting you in the head with his knuckle in the way he’d always done since you were kids. He flushed red and sipped his coffee for a moment, then said smugly, “I made a water balloon.”

“Yeah, that’s what we did too,” you said in mock seriousness.

“You’re disgusting.”

“You’re an idiot.”

The two of you had never been separated for so long your whole life. You were going to miss your brother. Probably almost as much as you were going to miss Yongguk.

The day of your departure came, after three days of hurriedly settling all the paperwork and moving your things back to your parents’ home. You entrusted the sale of your car to your parents too. You tearfully departed from your parents’ home the morning of your flight, taking a taxi to the Incheon airport, where you met up with the rest of the volunteers.

You’d gotten closer to two people through the orientation. One of them was Hyori, a housewife in her mid-thirties who regularly volunteered because she and her businessman husband were childless and she didn’t want to stay at home too much. The other was Hyunwoo, an ex-lawyer in his late twenties, who’d quit his job because he decided he needed to do more with his life than sit behind a desk. The three of you hit if off really well, and you’d decided to stick with them since they were experienced.

The two of them were trying to cheer you up by telling you stories of their other trips as you waited outside the departure gates, seeing that you were looking quite down. It was your first trip away from home for so long, and you were already missing everyone, even though you were excited to go. To make things worse, Yongguk had sent you a text in the morning, telling you he had some time off that night, and you’d ignored it. You’d immediately texted Himchan to keep an eye on him until you were safely on the flight, but your brother hadn’t replied to your text and it was making you nervous.

“The air in the village will do us city people some good,” Hyori was saying, and you were trying hard to keep smiling and nodding, but your insides felt like a mess.

“Kim Ha Na.”

The cold words pierced into your heart and you knew who it was before you even turned around. Yongguk stood before you, his eyes blazing, holding your letter, which was actually a poem titled ‘What My Heart Tells Me To Do’. “What is the meaning of this?”

At this moment, Himchan came running up, breathless and apologetic. You glared at him, hissing, “Oppa!”

“He found it in my jacket,” your brother said apologetically. “You know I can’t fight him.”

“What the do you think you’re doing?” Yongguk demanded. You’d never seen him this angry before. You couldn’t even find the words to answer him and just stared at him helplessly. He grabbed your arm roughly. “Stop this nonsense. You’re not going anywhere.”

You wrenched your arm away from him, and Himchan stepped in between the two of you. “She’s just going away for a year. Why don’t the both of you take this time apart to cool off and think about things?”

“Do you think you’re being fair to me?” Yongguk asked, still staring at you. “My love is not for you? What your heart tells you? Don’t you think you’re being very selfish?” He pushed Himchan aside and stepped towards you again, but this time Hyunwoo stood between the two of you. “Excuse me, I think it would be nice if you didn’t get physical here in a public place.”

“Who the hell are you? It’s none of your business,” Yongguk spat angrily, trying to step past him. Still, you stood frozen in your spot, staring silently at the unfolding spectacle.

Hyori stood forward this time, folding her arms across her chest firmly. “I don’t know what is the relationship between you two, but Hana here has made a commitment and I don’t think it’s in your place to tell her what she can or cannot do. Now, if you’ll excuse us, we have a plane to catch.”

Still, you said nothing as Hyunwoo put an arm around you and ushered you through the departure gates. Hyori came up beside the two of you. “Hyunwoo ya, don’t do that. Her boyfriend will misunderstand.”

Hyunwoo put his arm down immediately, but you held on to his hand, intertwining your fingers with his. “It’s okay, let him misunderstand.” As you said this, your tears spilled over, but you continued walking forward resolutely, not turning around once to look at Yongguk.

If you had turned around, you would have seen the tears that stained his face.

Did you hurt a lot?
Are you really tired?
Did I make things hard for you?
I was only used to receiving love
I think I only knew myself

I know your heart, I know

I know your love but I guess it’s not for me

This is what my heart tells me to do, so it hurts even more

I love you but I need to break up with you

I’m grateful and sorry at the same time that you loved me

I lack so much so please forgive me for leaving you

My heart will hurt sometimes and I will regret too
But still, I won’t let it show even if tears form
Swear at me all you want,
I think that will make me more comfortable
I won’t give any pathetic excuses
This is all I am

When all the love songs
become sad break up songs
I will listen as I think of you
I confess inside my heart
I will remember
When I think back to the stories we shared
Where would we each be?
Will we be in different relationships
as we forget about each other?
Will I be blaming my heart?
Is it really okay to just do
what my heart tells me to do?

(Lyrics from http://kromanized.com/2012/07/18/rom-eng-lyrics-b-a-p-what-my-heart-tells-me-to-do-마음이-시키는-일/#sthash.kPEh2ybB.dpbs)